CAP 3
There is no amount of alcohol in the world that justifies this hangover.
Especially if said alcohol only increased my thoughts and dreams about her.
Damn, I'll have to change my brand of whiskey.
Fortunately today is Friday, so I make myself a coffee and I take two pills with the hope that it will ease my headache before I get to work. As it is the end of the week everyone will want to leave early to meet with family and friends.
For me it will be to return to an empty house, where I will drink until I fall asleep, not caring to wake up early on a Saturday.
I take my things and go direct to the City Hall. It's like I'm on the autopilot. When I arrive at my office I put on the mask. I say good morning to my secretary, but my facade collapses when I close my office door.
Every day it becomes more difficult and painful not being able to see her. She hasn`t even sent me a text message. I will not start the communication. She needs time and space to put her heart and head in order.
I was not a good friend to confess my feelings. Ohh, this is a feeling that I know very well; guilt. I was never able to deal with this feeling. It always drifts to anger, but now it only brings me torment. Knowing that the last time we spoke I hurt her made me want to cry until my eyes dry.
Surprisingly between work and guilt it is already 4 pm.
- "Erin, are there more meetings left for today?" - I ask my secretary over the phone.
- "No, Ms. Mayor, it's all for today." –
- "Then pick up your things and go home Erin." - I say anxious to get home myself.
- "Are you sure? You`re not going to need anything else? "- I think I hear a hint of concern in my secretary's voice. Is she worried about me?
- "Yes Erin, that would be all. Thanks for asking. You may go now. "- I tell her with studied false confidence.
- "Okay Ms. Mayor. You have my number. If you need something, do not hesitate to call me. "-
She is definitely worried. Shit.
- "I do not think it will be necessary, but if there is an emergency I will call you. Have a good weekend."-
- "Likewise Ms." - Erin says goodbye. It's good to know that someone has noticed that I'm not quite right, but it made me think; how many people will have noticed? At what point did I become careless hiding my feelings?
While I finish reading some documents and put the last stamps and signatures I take a deep breath and put on a mask again, but a better one this time, the mask of anger. So nobody will dare to look me in the eyes and I will not run the risk of someone realizing that I am not angry; but brokenhearted.
By the time I get out of my car it's already 4:40 pm. Maybe just too early to start drinking. I decide to go to the bathroom en suite and open the water to fill the tub. A hot bath seems like a good idea.
While I wait, I make tea and call Henry.
-"Hi mom. How are you?" - His voice puts the shadow of a smile on my face.
- "I am good darling, a little tired" - I know I promised not to lie to him, but he`s already worried about one of his mothers. I do not want to worry him about the other one.
- "I think I'll take a bath and go to sleep" - Just a lie, nothing more.
-"How are you my love? I miss you"-
- "I miss you mom too. But I think I'll stay for a while longer. "He sounds worried that I'm going to argue with him.
- "Unless you need me at home" - I need to ask him, he is the only one I trust to tell me the truth. It hurts just to think about her, but I ask anyway.
-"How is she? How is Emma? "- It hurts much more than I can express, but I have to know.
- "It's hard to say. Things are weird 5 days ago it was fine. But now it seems to be lost in his thoughts. "
- "On Sunday we went to Granny`s for lunch. Then she left me with the gramps and told me that she wouldn`t take long. But I did not see her arrive. She came back after I was already asleep. "
- "And on Monday it was like this. She even skipped breakfast. "-
Sadness dulls my son's voice. I wish I could do something, but it may have been my words that hurt her. I wasn`t supportive. That afternoon I wasn`t a good friend. And again I have to deal with guilt.
- "Honey, she's been through a lot. Needs time "- A solitary tear rolls over my lips when I finish that sentence.
- "How are you?" – I change the subject before collapsing completely.
- "I'm fine, just worried. But I guess you're right. You always are. "-
I just raise my eyebrows when I hear him, he's the only one who thinks that way about me. But it fills my heart to know that it does.
- "Why don`t you come and talk to her?" - My son asks me with hope.
- "Even grandparents are worried, but all we can do is be by their side" –
- "Honey, I'm really exhausted. Maybe another time. She has you and her parents. "It's not a lie; I'm tired. Only it is not the whole truth.
-"Right. Maybe another time? "- He sounds so disappointed. It breaks my heart. Or at least what's left of it.
- "I probably should go. We are going to watch a movie. It's the only thing we can do that it seems we do together. "- There is so much sadness in his voice.
- "Okay honey. Be good. I miss you and I love you. "- That is my most precious truth.
-"See you soon. Send greetings to Em ... To all."-
- "I miss you too and I love you. I'll be good and I'll tell Emma you send her regards. Goodbye mom. "-
I don`t get to correct it before it hang up. I just hope she doesn`t get mad at him, or that she does not feel even more submerged in her head. There is nothing I can do.
To hell with time. I leave my tea in the kitchen and go to my desk to get a whiskey , which I swallow in a single sip. I serve another and I go to my bathroom with the glass in one hand and the bottle in the other.
The water is so hot that it burns a little, but it's welcome felling.
When I`m submerged I realize that my glass is empty again, so I put it aside and start drinking directly from the bottle.
If my mother could see me now, I would give her a heart attack; or she will give me one.
A queen with the weakness of love in her face and drinking straight from the bottle.
What I wouldn`t give to see her face.
Thinking about my mother's disapproval leads me to think about Daniel. He left, but he had no other choice, like Robin.
But Emma. Emma choose to leave.
I must have fallen asleep, because when I open my eyes again I am submerged in a deep darkness. It does not bother me, I like the dark, I feel safe in it.
I seem to have heard a noise. Is that a shadow?
Maybe I'm still drunk.
I'm about to get out of the water when I hear a whisper; "Weakness ..." It seemed like my mother's voice. It could be?
- "Love is weakness" -I am alert because that is definitely the voice of my mother.
- "You don`t deserve love" -That's my voice. I'm sure now; I certainly went crazy.
- "You are a monster" -Emma? What is happening? The voices are becoming clearer and clearer, as if they were approaching. And I`m naked and soaked. I try to conjure myself in dry clothes but my magic does not work. I cannot even light a fireball.
For the first time in a long time I fear for myself. In the voices you can hear hatred and contempt. I try to get up but I cannot move and the voices are getting closer and closer. Just when I feel they can touch me I`m awake again surrounded by darkness.
It was only a dream. A nightmare.
I turn on the lights with magic, suddenly the darkness does not feel so good anymore.
It seems that my hero has been my cell phone, because I must have been awakened by its sound.
By the time I take it, it becomes silent again. I unlock it and I see that I have 3 missed calls; 2 of Erin and one of Snow.
What the hell will she want now?
I sent a message to Erin telling her I was busy and that I hope she has a happy weekend but I do not bother answering Snow.
Just as I leave the phone on the table near the tub and reach for the robe the damn thing rings again. I almost fall into the cold water of fright. With one hand on my chest to make sure my heart still beats I answer the damn thing.
- "What? !" - In my scare I didn`t notice who was calling. I wish I had.
- "Is it a bad time?" - Snow asks concerned.
-"Sorry. My phone is scared "-I tell her without realizing it.
- "And here I thought that nothing frightened you anymore" -she jokes.
- "Well, I was distracted. I was getting out of the tub where I fell asleep "- What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I tell her?
- "It's good to know that you're still human" - I know she`s just joking, she didn`t mean it, but that hurt.
-"How can I help you?" - I change the subject with a cold voice while I put on my robe.
-"Right. We're worried. "-
I know they're worried. I'm worried, but there's nothing I can do.
- "Emma will be fine; she just needs time and espa ..." –
- "We are worried about you too. We know what Emma`s going through, but we have no idea if there's something wrong with you. "-
It's so easy to get angry with this woman.
-"EXCUSE ME! There's nothing wrong with me ! "- I lie to her.
- "Look Regina; we've all gone through a lot in a short time, and I don`t think it's fair for you to be alone with all this."-
She says with tenderness.
- "I do not need your help Snow" -I say with evident irritation.
- "We just want to know you're fine. We have not heard from you in a while and I know you've been working late. "-
-"What the hell are you talking about? I spoke with Henry a few hours ago. "- I'm trying my best not to yell at her; but it's really, really, really hard.
-"I know. I was by his side. I just wanted to make sure you knew you were not alone. "-
I can hear the honesty in her voice. It calms me a little.
- "Thank you, I know I can count on you. I'm sorry about the yelling, I was lost in my thoughts and the cell scared me "-
- "It seems that there are many people lost in the same place." –
- "Emma" - It was a sigh. A word that escaped from my lips.
- "Yes Emma has been like that lately. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that if you need to talk, I'm here."-
- "Thank you" - Hell must have frozen; Snow White offers the Evil Queen her shoulder to mourn for her own daughter.