CAP 4

The clock shows 8:30 p.m., although I do not know why I look at it if I don`t care the time.

I take my partner for the night and go to bed.

I put the bottle on the light table, so I don`t lose sight of it. It will be my Savior for tonight; one that will not go anywhere.

I cannot help thinking that if we were in the Enchanted Forest; I could release my fury by burning a random villa or tearing out the heart of anyone who dared to look me in the eye.

But I do not think about going all evil anymore. It will not give me pleasure or bring me joy. The only thing that would make my day happy would be Henry, but he has no idea what happens to me.

My selfishness has diminished to the point where I prefer to be alone than to expose my son to what I am feeling. And I can see that that is not ideal either; it's just another way of lifting walls around me. But tonight I do not have the strength to change it. Not now.

Now I think of them when I think of family. It's weird to know that at some point I wanted her out of my city. Even try to put her under a sleeping curse.

It was a good thing that things were solved the way they did. If something had happened to Henry; with magic or without it, I would have unleashed my fury on everything and on everybody.

Hell would have been a walk in the park compared to what I would have been able to do.

But if my plan had worked I would have lost Emma and with her my redemption.

I would never have learned to love again.

That thought terrifies me.

I think it was in Neverland when I started thinking of them as my family; A very rare, peculiar and dysfunctional family.

That's when I realized, when I had to break or alter the curse of Pan. When the papyrus of the curse shows me the price I have to pay, I fainted. When I woke up I toll everyone that the price was mine to pay.

That I must give up what I love the most. Fortunately no one paid attention that I said it staring into Emma's eyes. My love for Henry is undeniable but I was also talking about her.

There I realized that my feelings went beyond a simple attraction. That's why I gave her happy memories. And then I had to see how the two most important people in my life were driving away from me. Knowing that they would not remember me anymore. As if I had never existed.

When I wanted to bury my heart it was not just because I missed Henry. I missed Emma so much that it was painful to feel each beat knowing that neither of them reminded me. Knowing that they were having a life without the danger of magic did not make me feel better. And I blamed my heart for it. That's why I wanted the damn thing buried.

But, as hard as it is to admit, Snow was right; that heart full of love was what helped me survive that year. Although I could not stop thinking about them.

And then Robin appears, and I seek comfort in him. It had been a long time since I had been anything other than the Evil Queen; Mayor or mother. It had been a long time since they had made me feel wanted. That distracted me from how much I missed my family. It felt good to be flattered, even if it was not the way we started, and to be caressed in a more intimate way. But it was nothing compared to how she made me feel when we did magic together.

Being alone in the Enchanted Forest made me understand that the family I always looked for was them.

I also noticed how my magic changed when I was with her. My magic vibrates differently when I'm close to her. As if they were two magnets.

Who would have thought that my magic would become both; white and black?

Maybe the Evil Queen was right, maybe I'm not strong enough to let my story take its course. Because every time I approach her I feel my magic and my body vibrate. But I was never brave enough to follow my heart.

That was the reason why I was blocked in the Underworld. It was not the idea that maybe Daniel was there; he did not have any pending issues. It was the fact that I choose to join Emma so that she would get her pirate back, and I didn`t want him back. That guilt was what blocked me.

Now that I think about it; every time we went to a mission I was the only one "evil" enough to do what was necessary, my heart is dark enough and so their hearts would stay safe. And it was damn hard to redeem myself when I was doing the dirty work.

Even so they still they saw me as the villain. I saw myself as the villain, because even after I had done everything to be on the side of the heroes, every time something happened, they assumed that I was behind. I had to defend myself against them, I had to defend myself from me at times; but I never had to defend myself from Emma.

Only that time that Cora pretended to be me and made it look like she had killed Archie, but even Emma defended me until she saw with her own eyes that I had done it.

She was the only one who did not think I was and who conjured the curse that brought us from the Enchanted Forest. And that felt fantastic. To have someone besides Henry who believed in me.

I curl up in my bed as I did when I was a girl who knew she was committed to a much older King, hoping to dream a happy reality and so I fall asleep.