CAP 5
-"She Loves Me? The Evil Queen loves me? "-
I've lost count of how many times I've relived the same conversation. It just does not make sense and at the same time it has all the logic. My head doesn`t stop spinning. I don`t even know the Evil Queen, I only know Regina; the woman without fear. The woman who has such a benevolent heart for those who are lucky enough to be loved by her. Because she will instinctively defend her people.
She has risked her life more times than me to defend those she loves. She has risked her life to protect me. She even killed Zombie Daniel again. The love of her life. The person whose death sentenced her to be the Evil Queen.
Regina the one that has been fucked again and again, even by me. When I brought Marian. I remember her face that night; she was happy, finally happy. And then Robin sees Marian, his wife, who was supposedly dead.
She was not even angry because I had brought someone from the past, until she realized who she was. Even I wanted to slap myself.
She was becoming a different person and I put that at risk.
But she didn`t return to her former person. Not even when I told him that I had saved Marian from herself. There I realized that I really had screwed up. When she was alone again because of me, instead of throwing a fireball in my face she told me that she was not that person anymore, and I knew it, but my defenses were as alert as hers; and I said what I said to defend myself against someone who wasn`t attacking me. She just wanted to get out of there and I stopped her to alleviate my guilt and end up hurting her even more.
Her forgiveness knows no limits, because eventually she forgive me. God she forgave my mom for killing hers.
It is true that she has done terrible things, but we have all hurt her. Her mother; Snow; the dwarves; a sister she didn`t even knew she had; myself. Even Henry has hurt her.
She has survived a quantity of pain that no one could have survived and she did it being seen as one of the bad ones.
I knew about her pain but it was only in New York when she spoke to me from her heart and told me everything she felt; her repentance, her pain. That she preferred that pain rather than losing those she loved; only then I understood the intensity of her suffering.
When she separated from her evil part, she still had forgiveness in her heart to forgive herself. What made the Evil Queen a heroine too. She forgave her sister for cheating Robin and having a baby with him. And she promised to take care of that baby if something happened to Zelena when she asked for it. She forgives Hook hours after he put her on a stretcher to be tortured simply because we needed him to save Henry.
She has a brave and valuable heart. She does not need anyone to save her, she did it alone. Because her courage and determination come from that heart. A heart that perhaps is not the purest; but that is more real than anything.
If she does not need to be saved; why would she fall in love with the Savior?
What can I offer that she no longer has? Why am I even considering this? What feelings do I have for her?
I love her, that's for sure, but am I in love with her?
Of course it's damn attractive. And those detached buttons tend to distract. And she is beautiful when she gets angry; fearsome, but beautiful without doubts.
I do not think there is a person in the city who`s not attracted to her in one way or another. Okay except Henry.
I personally have surprised Ruby and even my mother looking at her ass.
What would Snow, my mom, think about all this? I know she was helpful with Dorothy and Ruby, but she was also very persistent that Hook was my happy ending. To the point of sacrificing her chance to wake up my father so that I could rescue Hook from the lost children. That coward who pretended that because I was his wife, I would leave my family behind.
I am not Milha. As if he had been a good husband. From the moment we got married, the caresses ended and the words of love became practically orders. I had already sacrificed a lot of myself to be with him and his demands that I should be more feminine, but that night he crossed a line that should not be cross.
- "I've been listening to the call of the sea, love. I have to go. I do not serve to be in one place for a long time. My home is my ship and my family the ocean. You can come with me, Swan. "-
He said to me with stinking to alcohol as if he were talking about the grocery list. And anger seized my whole being.
- "Have you already made your decision? I cannot go, my family; the one that I look for all my life; is here. Henry is here, my parents, Regina. "-
I decline his invitation with venom in my voice. He looks at me and smiles ironically.
- "Regina is your family? Do not be silly, love, she's the Evil Queen "-
He tells me by dismissing everything we've gone through to be able to get this family. And I spit back.
-"WAS! And yes; she is my family. She raised Henry to be the good man he is. She is his mother too. "-
- "We could take Henry. It could be a family adventure. "-
- "Didn`t you just hear anything I told you? I can`t do that to Regina. Henry is all she has and I'm NOT going to take him from her."-
- "Are you telling me that you prefer to stay here for her?" –
The look on the pirate's face is the same as when he told me that I was an orphan. That I was nothing more than a blonde distraction. But this time I'm not going to be quiet. Not this time.
-"Yes. She has already suffered enough "- I can`t believe he doesn`t understand it. He also yearned for a family, or at least I thought so.
- "And we haven`t?" –
- "We have always had someone by our side. She only has Henry and me "-
- "You choose her over me?" –
This is stupid I can`t believe I married this person.
-"You know what? Yes I choose her. For the first time I choose her. Because besides all circumstances, above all things she will watch over Henry. Now go! "-
I never thought I could feel so angry. Now I understand even more what Regina had to go through. I really want to hurt him.
- "Go with your home and your family. Because you have made it perfectly clear what is most important to you. So go. "-
-"But love…."-
- "Go away NOW!" - I didn`t saw sadness or lament in his eyes. I saw relief. He was relieved to no longer be stuck with me, with here in Storybrook.
And he just left. And I understood the huge mistake I had made by putting him into our lives.
That man thought it was romantic to tell me he was glad that I had a broken heart, because it meant that it still worked, and in some twisted way to me it also seemed romantic at the time.
I could not believe it. He left and I felt ... numb I did not feel anything. Not even a little of what I felt when Gideon pulled him away from me. But even at that moment he was already determined to leave, without saying goodbye.
And he claim that Rumplestiltskin is a coward?
How could I have a reaction to his departure?
I thought it was only a matter of time. That it was because we had separated so many times and we always came back. But the next day his boat was gone. The wretch had not lost a second.
And I still didn`t felt anything. So I took my son to lunch at Granny`s.
That felt good. Almost as if nothing had happened.
There was also uneasiness in me. So I did what I always do when I don`t know what to do. I went looking for Regina to her vault.
She surely was there. It has been there since we broke the Black Fairy's curse.
Nop even before now that I think about it, she has been different. Distant, as if she were sad.
- "Hook is gone" - I don`t bother to say hello. I find her with her back to me, so she didn`t see me arrive, but she knew it was me.
- "So I`ve heard" – She answers me without even turning around.
- "So, aren`t you going to tell me anything?" –
Finally a feeling comes to me; anger. Only she could make me feel something after two days numb.
-"And what do you want me to say? That he`s a coward? That are you too much for him? I think I`ve already mentioned it to you. You made your decision "- She answers back to me.
- "I sincerely thought that he would know how to love me. That he understood me. That he wasn`t going to leave me like everyone else, including my parents. What did I do wrong? "- I can see how her back tenses. I can feel her anger. And I can hear how she takes a deep breath.
- "I've never been so angry with someone in my whole life, and that includes your mother" - When she turns and I can see her face, I see in her a mixture of fury and pain.
Why have you been so sad lately?
- "You have no idea of all the times I cried myself to sleep knowing that you would never love me as I love you" –
What? She Loves Me? Me? As … in love? –
"How many times have I seen you choose someone new? How many times have I had to hear you say how you were hurt; or how you hurt them; or even how did you hurt yourself? When all I wanted to do was hug you and kiss you so hard that it showed you how important you are to me. How many times have I raised hopes, only to see them fall to ashes when you told me you had met someone? "-
Where does all this come from? I am the one who has been dumped. How is it possible that it is me the one screaming at?
- "You have no right to say that nobody knows how to love you .Because I Do, but you chose to blind yourself" –
How do you think I cannot see you Regina?
- "So you cannot say that nobody loves you, because I've been in love with you for a while now, and even though you've broken my heart more times than I can count, I still am, and I've already made peace with the fact that I will always love you. "-
-"But how? ... Are you in love with ... me? "- Oh it seems I finally remembered how to talk.
- " Is that all? Is it all you have to tell me? "-
I don`t know what to tell her. This was not what I had thought would happen when I came here.
-"Yes! I'm in love with you. And call me crazy or stupid, because I believed you when you said you were going to bring me my happy ending. But it seems that fate once again gave me a slap, making me fall in love with the only person I'm sure is in love with someone else, someone who, I must add, only loves himself "-
How do you know? It leaves me with my mouth open
- "Come on Emma! The man cannot applaud for God ! "-
Hey that was cruel, it's true and even funny, it does not make it any less cruel. I almost slip a smile. Maybe I should ...
- "You have no right to talk like that about him." –
Now I can feel my anger.
- "All the right in the world I have" –
She says looking me in the eyes in a way that leaves me speechless again.
- "Or did you forget that he was the one who tied me to that stretcher so that the stupidest Pan`s minions could torture me? I know what it is to be on the dark side, and I am living proof that, if you are willing to pay the price, you get your redemption. But he is not willing to make any sacrifice for others "-
How can it be that she is so precise with her words?
Was it Hook so transparent to her?
- "You are too much for him. Shit, you are too much for me. You deserve something better. What don`t you see? YOU ARE THE FUKING SAVIOR,SHIT. WAKE UP ALRADY ¡ "-
I had never heard her cursing like that. I don`t know what surprises me more: the fact that she is in love with me; that she could see so easily through Hook; or that hearing her insult makes her more attractive.
I cannot believe she`s crying. It breaks my heart to see her cry.
- "I know you feel deceived, but you can`t keep hiding behind the fact that your own parents sent you away, or behind all those substitute households. That sucks, I know, but you had no choice regarding that. However, it was by choice that you married Hook, aware of what it was, IS. Because he hasn`t changed, He simply bathes more often, which makes him less dirty but no less trash. " –
-"I know you're hurt. But you can`t say nobody loves you. At least not to me "-
Her anger has waned along with the tone of her voice. Her last words were a simple whisper, but still I hear them.
I still can`t believe this.
But I can`t hear anymore. She is right in everything, and I am not strong enough to hear so much truth at once.
I have to go.
The same way as I arrived, without saying hello I leave without saying goodbye.