AN: I'm finally back guys! I can't believe I haven't updated this in almost two months. I'm so sorry for the long wait. I have no excuses, but me being lazy and not liking what I write.

I got this idea off of a post on Tumblr about what would've happened if Kate had finished saying "I love you" to Castle in the freezer scene. This one's kind of angsty and a little different, but I hope you guys like it.

Reviews and suggestions for new chapters are strongly encouraged (because I'd love to hear what you guys think).

Kate Beckett had faced imminent death more times than were plausible for a single person. But this time, this time she was facing it in the arms of Richard Castle. She realized now just how stupid it had been to take shelter in a shipping container, much less one that doubled as a freezer, but how was she to know that at the time? Nevertheless, she was here now, with him, and she didn't want to have any regrets.

As she cuddled closer to him, she tried to find something to say that would mean enough. She also thought briefly of Josh and wished this had all turned out differently. But Josh was a million miles away, and Castle was right there with her, like he always had been, slowly freezing to death the same as she was.

"I just want you to know," her voice was barely a whisper now as she fought the blackness she could feel encroaching. She had to say this, not because she was dying, not because she knew how much she would regret it if she didn't. Saying this was something she should have done so long ago; it was something he had the right to know, and so she was saying it now. She reached up and lightly touched his face. Even though she knew it was impossible, only a figment of her imagination, the fingertips touching his stubble-strewn chin felt as if they were on fire. Touching him had always been like this; every slap to his arm, every finger graze over coffee, his body was flames to her touch. And she loved it.

But now it only saddened her, reminding her that this was all she would feel of him. If she were about to die here, she would never be allowed the real thing. She tried to look up into his eyes, but her head was too heavy. Taking as deep a breath as her frozen lungs could manage, she spoke.

"How much I love you."

The blackness took ahold of her then, and she let it come, no regrets. But before she drowned in it, she felt Castle stiffen infinitesimally, and she knew he'd heard.

When Kate woke up, he was there, kissing her face and running his hands up and down her arms, spreading warmth through a blanket. But something about him was wrong.

"Castle?" She asked, trying to pinpoint what was different. He sighed heavily, sadly.

"They're warming him up now Kate." Her eyes flew open as she finally realized. Josh's face stared back at her and she wanted to laugh, but it wasn't really funny.

He came back, presumably for her, giving them a chance to work, a chance to dive in together. But now it was too late. Those three words had left her mouth, though her guilty conscience was trying to convince her she could have hallucinated those last few minutes. She knew she didn't though; it was time to accept the truth.

Kate looked at Josh and saw understanding in them, mixed with more than a little anger. She wanted to explain, to make him believe she hadn't lied to him when she'd said they were just partners. But they had both known, even then, that that wouldn't be true forever.

"I rescheduled my flight to tomorrow. I'm glad the two of you are okay." His eyes saddened before closing as he leaned over to place a kiss on her forehead. "Goodbye."

Why was it taking so long for him to wake up?

Kate was waiting, had been waiting for a good half hour, for Castle to finally wake up. The paramedic, not Josh, who'd treated her had said she was lucky, Castle took the brunt of the cold. She had passed out first because her body weight was lower than his. But it was taking longer to revive him because she had been protected from the frigid steel of the container by his body.

She wondered if he would remember. If he didn't, would she have the strength to say it again?

She stood leaning up against a car with the thermal blanket she'd been given. It didn't look like much, but she was starting to feel her toes, so she guessed it must be working.

Choosing this particular car to lean against had been strategic. She had a full view of the ambulance wherein Castle was being treated, but she was far enough away that she couldn't hear anything being said, and she didn't look like the worried girlfriend, even though she was. Worried, that is; she had no idea about the girlfriend thing yet.

Finally, she saw him sit up. She let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding. However, her relief was short lived because before the medic could so much as calm Castle down, Josh stepped up to the doors. She wanted to intervene, to stop Josh from saying whatever he was going to say. But she knew it would do no good; actually, it would probably make the situation worse.

After a few short exchanges, she saw Castle give him a tight smile; she wondered what they were saying, but then Ryan and Espo showed up, so she stayed put. It was a few moments before Castle looked up and his gaze finally met hers.

She was pretty sure that she fell in love with him all over again in that moment. Just the fact that he, they were alive, had survived again, was sending waves of much needed heat through her body.

She smiled as he walked up to her, because she honestly didn't know what else to do. And the way he pulled his blanket tightly around his body, coupled with his tousled hair and the I-can't-believe-we're-actually-still-alive look on his face made him look so young and, frankly, adorable. And because of this, she was a tad tongue-tied, so smiling seemed the thing to do.

In her smile, she tried to convey her empathy for what he was feeling; telling him she felt the same fear and relief and what if that he did. But she hoped he saw something else there too: honesty. She wasn't going to hide anymore.

"Saw your boy's back in town." His words were matter-of-fact. In them she could tell two things, that he remembered, and that he thought Josh coming back changed things, changed what she'd said.

"Josh did come back, yes." His eyebrows furrowed; he was trying to decipher her wording. She hadn't agreed that Josh was her boy.

"What does that mean to you?" She almost smiled at his question. He was letting her decide. He was telling her that it was okay to be happy Josh had come back to dive into it with her. He was giving her an out from what she'd said, just like he had after that kiss in the alley.

"It means we could've had a chance." She watched as he processed the words. When he looked up at her with raised eyebrows, she continued.

"If I… If I hadn't finished my sentence in that freezer, Josh and I could've had a chance." For the briefest moment, she saw his face light up, but he schooled it before the smile twitching the corners of his mouth could spread. When he spoke, his voice was flat, his face a mask of indifference.

"And since you did?" He was looking straight ahead, not even risking a glance her way. Otherwise he would have seen the silent joy written all over her face.

"He leaves for Haiti in the morning."

At her words, Castle finally looked at her, excitement and disbelief mixing on his face. She wanted to kiss him. Wanted so badly to not have twenty plus onlookers mingling around them; she wanted to forget about the case and the bomb and whether or not Agent Fallon would let them back on the task force.

It seemed to Kate as if every moment since he'd kissed her in that alley had been permeated with the memory of it. They both knew, after that night, what if felt like, and that knowledge colored their every interaction.

But sadly, now was not the time for her to make goo-goo eyes at Castle, so she forced herself to stop. She had to remind herself that their would be time for that later, after they saved the city.

She would never forget the look on Castle's face before he defused the bomb, if you could actually call it that. The regret and love written on his features broke her heart. She had almost kissed him, would've settled for that. But he'd lunged before she'd had time to.

Now, as they sat in the conference room laughing at Castle's luck, she knew she would never again face a life-or-death situation without having told him exactly how she felt. She found a strange peace in that knowledge, though she knew their short conversation about Josh didn't resolve everything, or anything really. But she had said the words first, and she was proud of herself for that.

Talking to Fallon, it was all Kate could do to focus on the agent, and not the fact that Castle was standing very close beside her. When they'd finally said their goodbyes, Castle joking about "next time," he turned to face her, and she held her breath.

"Hell of a day, huh?" Said Castle. Kate thought that was the understatement of the century.

"Hell of a day." She agreed, wondering exactly where this was heading.

"You know, I was thinking. I was thinking maybe," he paused, obviously distracted by something behind her, but then he shook his head slightly before continuing. "I should go home. Get some rest. Long day."

Kate's heart sank as Castle eyed the floor. Were they really back to this? Was he going to ignore it all after she'd finally accepted it? He was rocking back and forth like a nervous teenager, like he wanted to say something, but had decided better of it. Why was this so damn difficult for them?

They stood there in awkward silence before he returned his gaze to hers and spoke again.

"You're welcome to join me. Actually," he grinned a little, seeming to regain a bit of his usual charm. "Mother and Alexis are in the Hamptons until tomorrow afternoon, so if you don't have any prior engagements, I'd love some company tonight. What with, everything. We have hot chocolate, tea, and coffee of course. And I'll even cook for you." He added with a pleading grin. She wasn't sure what exactly he'd meant by the whole "prior engagements" comment, but she was willing to forgo discussing his possible presumptions at the moment.

"Well," Kate sighed exasperatedly even though she was smiling broadly, "if there'll be coffee and free food…" She grabbed her coat and purse from her desk and watched as his smile grew from worried doubt to genuine excitement.

Their drive to Castle's loft was marked by comfortable, but loaded silence, as was their elevator ride up to his floor. As she stood next to him, her hand close enough to feel the heat radiating off his, blissfully affirming that they were both very much alive, Kate felt the gravity of all that had happened in the last few days hit her for the first time. She felt exhaustion and the realization of just how close to death they had come crash down upon her like an anvil. And yet the fact that she had told Castle she loved him filled her with exhilaration. She wouldn't deny the presence of a fair amount of fear, but as she stepped out into the hallway, a calm swept over her. She didn't want to run anymore. Watching him unlock his front door and usher her into his home, she realized the terror that used to claw at her throat whenever she thought of being with Castle, of the possibility of screwing it up, of losing him, had dissipated. She trusted this man with her life, why shouldn't she trust him with her heart?

She sat, sipping her coffee and watching as Castle made their dinner, comfort food. She'd tried to offer her assistance, but he'd quickly shot down that idea. So she sat, wondering how to start the conversation she knew they must broach tonight, before fear clouded her courage and she let it all drop like she had after they kissed.

As they ate they continued their silence, and Kate's confidence morphed into annoyance. She finally knew what she wanted. Finally she felt ready to act on that knowledge, so why couldn't she just open her mouth? She wondered what he was thinking. He had seemed so happy and excited before they'd left the precinct. What had changed between then and their arrival at the loft?

It wasn't until all the plates had been cleared and they were sitting on his couch, wrapped up in blankets that Castle had protested were in fact necessary, and finishing their wine, that she finally ripped off the band-aid.

"This really isn't the reaction I was expecting from you, Rick."

He turned to look at her over his glass, taking a sip and swallowing hard. She hadn't consciously chosen to use his first name, but it seemed to have caught his attention.

"And what reaction were you expecting?" His eyes were fixed on hers, and his face a mask of calm seriousness, but then he blinked and for an instant the mask faded enough for her to see the insecurity hiding beneath it.

His question caught her off guard. How had she expected him to react to her saying she loved him and breaking up with Josh? Beaming, running around telling everyone, shouting from rooftops, crowding her against his door? Maybe. Laughter and a too polite rebuffing of her affections? That had definitely crossed her mind. Reciprocating the sentiment? Yes, that was it. She had expected reciprocation, after everything that they'd been through. But silent avoidance? No; that was her thing, not his.

"I… I don't know I guess." She stammered out the words, even more confused now. What was he saying? She thought they'd been on the same page earlier, but now they seemed to be reading wholly different chapters.

"Well," he sighed as his usual compassion and understanding slipped back onto his face with a smile. "If you don't know then I certainly don't either. You broke up with your boyfriend today; I'm just trying to be supportive in the best way I can think of, letting you decompress. I like loud and active, but you like quiet and peaceful. I'm just trying to be a good friend, give you what you need right now. So, pick a movie. Action or romance?"

Preferably both, she thought before she could stop herself, a blush spreading across her cheeks. No, she couldn't think that way right now. She had to remedy the fact that he was apparently pretending she hadn't finished her sentence in that freezer, though she knew he heard her.

There was a brief moment when terror clouded Kate's mind. Was he pretending he hadn't heard her because she was wrong about how he felt? Was he trying to save them both the embarrassment? But then he reached out and placed a hand on her knee, his thumb rubbing soothing circles on her lower thigh, and she knew. She could see it in his eyes, the pain he was forcing upon himself by shoving his feelings, his love for her, down once again. She could tell he was doing it for her, but she just couldn't figure out why. She set her wine on the coffee table, put her hand over his on her leg, and looked him straight in the eye.

"I know you heard me, so why are you acting as if you didn't?"

Castle flinched and tried to pull his hand away, but Kate was having none of that. She grasped it tighter before sliding her other hand underneath it. He wouldn't look at her, just stared at their hands.

"Castle, if this is your way of being noble and giving me a method of retreat after telling you I love you," that caught his attention. His head whipped up to face her and she smiled. That was exactly what he was doing, giving her an out, a path back to normalcy, just like he had with Josh. She shook her head at him, her voice softening slightly. "Stop, because I don't want one."

"But… I thought since you were… maybe you." He started, but she cut him off.

"You thought that since I was dying at the time that it didn't really count. You thought maybe I didn't really mean it." He hung his head, obviously ashamed, but she stroked the back of his hand with her thumb, reassuring him. Truth be told, she had considered that.

But the reality was that she had almost said it again when they were standing in front of that bomb. And yeah, maybe that didn't prove anything, just another near death situation, but the way she felt right now did. The fact that she hadn't ran away and hidden from her emotions proved to her that they were real, and she was finally ready to do something about them.

"Rick, hmm." She paused, gathering her courage and fighting desperately to keep the tears welling in her eyes from spilling over. A single one fell and she had to fight the urge to swipe at it. Instead, she started again.

"Rick, I didn't tell you I love you because I thought it was my last chance. I told you because for months I've been catching myself losing focus when I'm around you. For weeks, every time I see you, or even walk past a damn alley, I imagine your lips on mine, your hands in my hair. I tried not to, I tried to focus on Josh, but I still fell asleep lonely, alone or not. I told you I love you because I do, Rick. For once, it's just that simple."

Without taking his eyes off her, Castle set down his wine glass. After a mere second's hesitation, his hands flew to her cheeks and his lips pressed against hers.

Kate's heart soared as she returned the kiss. She bit down softly on his lower lip and he moaned as his hands migrated from her face to her hips. Her body craved more physical contact, so she tried to shimmy closer to him, but the blankets strewn between them were making that very difficult.

Castle's mouth left hers and trailed along her cheek and down her neck, making her gasp when he pulled her shirt to the side and planted open-mouthed kisses along her collarbone. She quickly pulled his face back to hers, hungry for the taste of his tongue and hers.

Out of breath, Kate pulled away and placed her forehead against his. They were both grinning like fools, but she didn't care. She wanted this moment to last forever, as much of a cliché as that was.

"I love you. I love you so much Kate." He said as he pulled away to watch her reaction, his hands coming to rest back at her waist. Kate hadn't believed the moment could get any better, but at his words her heart burst and happiness washed over her. She shivered at the feel of it.

"We need to bet warmed up!" Castle stated happily and Kate almost laughed. She'd thought that was exactly what they were doing.

"I'll get you some warmer clothes, they'll be far too big on you, but at least they'll be much better at keeping your body temp. up. I know I've felt chilled to the bone all day. So we'll change, then we can watch that movie." He sprung off the couch and bounded towards his office.

She watched him go, finding his need to take care of her adorable. A spike of fear ran through her at the thought of what came next for them, but when he reached the door, he turned suddenly, a huge grin on his face.

"I love you." He said. It was a statement of fact, and it melted away all of Kate's worries.

Once they'd both changed into sweats, they stretched out on the couch, under far too many blankets. Kate lay in Castle's arms, trying not to draw the parallel with their position in the freezer.

She really was exhausted, and she knew that he must be too, but neither seemed to want to end the night by falling asleep. As the movie started, Kate unconsciously nuzzled further into Castle's chest and heard him sigh contentedly.

"You know," he said as he began drawing lazy circles on her arm. "There is one thing that bothers me about all this."

"And what's that?" She asked absentmindedly, wondering if he meant them or the case.

"I didn't get to say it first. I always thought I would get to say it first." His voice was soft, like he had spent a long time contemplating the subject. She wondered if he had spent as much time thinking about this as she had.

"Really Castle? I tell you I love you and you're upset that you didn't get to say it first?" She arched one eyebrow at him incredulously. He stuck his lip out in full pout and nodded his head sadly for a moment before responding.

"If you knew how sexy it is when you do that, you wouldn't be doing it right now." He said, pulling her closer into his body. Kate twisted just enough to whisper in his ear.

"I think I have a pretty good idea."

AN2: So there you go. I hoped you liked it!

On a side note, I'm thinking about changing my penname. Would it be too confusing for you guys? Let me know what you think.