Author's note: Text in italics represents a flashback.

"Do you want to try again honey?"

"No."

He felt his mother's warm hand against his face, her fingers slowly caressing his cheek.

"You're cold."

He sighed, "I'm okay mom."

"Are you sure you don't want to eat?"

He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to ignore the sting in his stomach, the growling pains, screaming for food. He was hungry, starving, and yet he couldn't eat. Not when everything he tried to swallow came back before even making it all the way down. Not when every time he heaved he felt like his Port-a-Cath was going to come off, ripping through his skin and veins.

"I can't... Maybe later."

He tried to smile, and hoped it looked genuine. Maybe the trembling he felt all over his body wasn't noticeable, maybe he could pretend for a little longer until his mom went back downstairs. Then he could cry, and scream into his pillow, and curse his existence and what it had become.

He just wished it all would stop. But right then with his mother kneeling by his bedside, he couldn't allow his weakness to show. He couldn't allow his mom to see how he was really feeling. He needed to be strong, to hold on. He didn't want to go back to the hospital, not again.

After every chemotherapy session he felt worse than the one before, and Sebastian had long ago given up on hoping it would get any better. He knew he just had to wait, and eventually the pain would go away. Just a few more days and maybe he would be able to eat again, sleep again, and smile again.

Sebastian didn't know exactly how it happened, just that he was holding his phone, looking at Kurt's last message and trying not to panic. He wanted to believe that Kurt wouldn't tell anyone, but part of him knew he must have already told Blaine. Which meant soon enough The Warblers would know, and then all of the Dalton student body would find out.

It was going to be such a fucking mess.

A while later, his mom started talking about the therapist again... he tuned her out every time she brought it up. He didn't want to talk to anybody. He wasn't crazy, he just had cancer, and he didn't really want to talk about it, he just wanted to be left alone.

He'd fallen asleep with his phone clutched tightly in his hand, and woke up hours later when the next wave of nausea kicked in.

He'd tried to get up to get to the toilet but then everything went dark. Next thing he felt was cold sweat dampening his clothes and his whole body shaking. He could hear his mother talking in distress and his father must have been the one carrying him. He was barely awake and felt his body heavy and limp. He felt the cold of the wind against his socked feet, then darkness again. Faintly he remembered the touch of his mother's hands on his scalp as he lay on his side in the backseat of the car. Then bright lights from the hospital and strange voices before everything went dark again.

When he opened his eyes again it was early morning, though it was still a little dark. He turned his head to the right and noticed his mom sleeping on the couch in what looked like a really uncomfortable position. Sebastian felt something twist inside him. He hated that he had to be rushed back here; he hated making his mom worry. He just closed his eyes again and sighed, feeling defeated.

A couple of minutes later he could hear people coming into the room and talking to his mom, he wondered if he could feign sleep, until he heard the doctor speaking to his mom.

"We're going to have to wake him up, he needs to be conscious for this."

Shit.

Sebastian slowly turned around and smiled painfully, knowing whatever was going to happen would definitely not be pretty, and indeed it wasn't.

"Chin up."

He breathed in.

"It's going to feel a little weird, but just try to relax, alright?"

Well, he could try.

"Now down... Just a little more... that's it."

It burned.

"You're doing great Sebastian, just a little bit more..."

He felt like he was going to vomit.

"Okay, now drink..."

He felt the tip of a straw against his lips and started sipping.

"Swallow slowly."

Like he could rush this even if he wanted to.

"We're almost there, almost there... swallow, swallow. That's it... You did really great!"

And so the feeding tube was finally in place. It hadn't been too painful as he thought, just awfully uncomfortable. Sebastian could feel it in the back of his throat, and it tickled a little from where it came out of his nostril and laid across his face to where it was attached behind his ear. He slowly lay back into a more horizontal position and closed his eyes again.

"It will only be for a couple of days, so hang in there." The doctor said.

Sebastian didn't say anything though, he just nodded, eyes still closed while his mom talked to the doctor about drugs and steroids and protein and blood counts. He just tuned them out, turned his head to the side and tried to go back to sleep. At least the trembling from last night was gone. He wondered how long that was going to last, specially when the nurse connected his tube to feed him. He felt his stomach slowly filling and the nausea threatening to come back, but he managed to keep it at bay.

He was exhausted, and he just really needed to sleep, maybe that way he could ignore the uncomfortable feeling of the tube, and so he did.

Sebastian wasn't sure how long he was asleep, but when he woke up he could hear his mom talking to someone, even though he could barely make up what she was saying because she was whispering.

"I don't know what I'm going to do... No, I can't postpone them again."

She must have been talking about her patients. She'd been neglecting her work to stay with him at home.

"No, he still doesn't want to see Dr. Mitchell... I hope so, a friend of his said he would come visit, I just hope Bastian lets him."

Friend? What friend? That definitely caught Sebastian's attention; he shifted in the bed and figured his mom must have been speaking to his sister 'cause she quickly said she'd call back once she realized Sebastian was awake.

"Hey honey..."

"Hi mom."

"How are you feeling?"

He just shrugged, smiling tightly and stretching his right arm a bit. He didn't want to even try to move the left one cause it hurt too much, probably from how he'd fallen on it last night when he fainted.

"What time is it?"

"Two thirty."

"Oh."

"You slept almost eight hours."

He didn't feel like he'd slept that long. In fact he wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep again.

"Do you have to go to work?"

She gave him an apologetic look and Sebastian just smiled. "Mom it's fine, you should go. Your patients' teeth are going to fall out if you keep ignoring them."

She smiled at that, "I just don't want to leave you alone here."

"I'll be fine."

They just sat in silence for a few moments, then his mom finally got up and started collecting her things to leave. She looked like it physically pained her to have to leave him, but Sebastian knew she had to do it. She came over to his bedside and leaned down to kiss him on the cheek.

"Your dad said he can't come over tonight, but he will try to come tomorrow."

"It's okay mom."

She put her purse over the bed and looked at him, Sebastian could see the hesitation in her eyes as she spoke: "Kurt was here earlier."

"Kurt?"

"Yes, I ran into him downstairs and he helped me carry your things back here. He said he'd come again, to visit." She said, studying him for a reaction.

Sebastian noticed and just gave her a tight smile, "Okay. Did he say when?"

"Oh... I'm not sure. I didn't ask."

For once, Sebastian wished she had, but he didn't say anything. He didn't really think Kurt was going to show up anyway. He probably just said he would to be polite, or at least that's what he hoped.

Just the thought of anyone seeing him like this made him want to cry.

Once his mom left, Sebastian found himself alone again. Visitor hours were short and he didn't really have much people visiting anyway. The first time he was hospitalized he received a couple of family visits, even though they couldn't come into his room much because his immune system was pretty much non-existent. His mom had tried to be around as much as she could but she had to work and so did his dad.

This time though, he didn't think anyone would be visiting, and it was probably for the best. He wanted to be alone. Not because it made him feel better, but because he didn't want to feel worse. There was only one thing worse than being ill, and that was being pitied.

Loneliness used to be such a foreign concept for Sebastian, but now he had gotten used to it, and had even learned to appreciate it. He was used to being around people all the time. He was popular, people wanted to be around him. He didn't really know why, as he wasn't the nicest guy to be around. But he didn't really care; he'd never given it much thought, because it had never mattered, until now.

He was in a position of vulnerability that scared him. He wasn't sure how people around him would react; if they'd be genuinely supportive or just pretend to care out of sympathy, or if they just wouldn't care at all.

Truth is, he didn't want to find out. It was better to push people away than to reach out and have no one come. He knew that it was silly to think like that, to a point, but life didn't make much sense either so why should he?

Nothing made sense anymore. Sebastian felt as if he was lost in a haze, alternating between dreams and reality, between just staring at the wall and falling asleep. Only ever moving when the nurses came to change his IV or to feed him through the tube.

"How are you feeling?" The nurse asked.

"Tired, but okay."

"Any pain? Nausea?"

"Not much."

The nurse checked the container on Sebastian's bedside, it was empty, "A little nausea is expected, but you haven't vomited, which is really good. It means the adjustments we made to your medication are working. Dr. Meyers will come to check on you tomorrow morning, if you need anything just ring the bell."

He just nodded as the nurse smiled and exited the room. As uncomfortable as the damn tube was, Sebastian was glad to not have to stress over being able to eat anymore. The nausea was receding and he hoped it would be gone soon.

He spent most of the day sleeping, and when he opened his eyes it was nighttime. He only stayed awake for a little before dozing off again. The lines between day and night were blurred and when he opened his eyes he found it was morning. He didn't feel like getting up, or showering, but he did it anyway.

He hated that the nurses had to help him do everything, but it was a hassle trying to take a bath with his Port-a-Cath on. The skin around the port was bruised and Sebastian wondered how big the scar was going to be once it was finally taken out.

He would just have to wait and see, same as with everything else. He was stuck, unable to do anything but wait to feel better... waiting for the time to pass quickly.

His mom called, saying his dad would try to make it down for the afternoon visit, but he wasn't counting on it. He didn't notice if he came or not anyway, because he fell asleep and he didn't wake up until it was morning and the nurse was coming in to feed him again.

Something caught his attention right then. There was a small floral arrangement in the table on the corner. He couldn't tell who it was from, and he wasn't curious enough to want to get up and check it out. No, he would rather just stay in bed and sleep some more. That sounded like a better plan.

Sebastian was actually starting to feel better, he wasn't nauseous, dizzy, or in pain. But still, he just wanted to sleep.

Once the nurse left, Sebastian reached out to his bedside to make sure his phone was in vibrating mode before putting the bed back down but right then someone knocked on his door.

Nurses didn't knock.

For a minute Sebastian thought he must have imagined it, but then the door opened slowly, and he felt a nervous blush spread up his neck and through his face as a familiar face with perfectly coiffed brown hair and bright blue eyes peeked from behind the door.

"Can I come in?"

Sebastian just gaped, suddenly feeling awfully self-conscious, realizing he wasn't wearing anything on his head... great.

"Um... S-sure."

Kurt walked into the room, tight smile on his face and a weird light blue bag strapped over his shoulder. He stood by the side of Sebastian's bed, awkwardly fidgeting though clearly trying to hide it with a smile.

"Hi."

"Hey."

They stared at each other for a few more seconds, and things were getting from awkward to uncomfortable so Sebastian decided he needed to do something about it.

"There's a chair in the corner... you can uh... sit, if you want."

"Oh, thanks." Kurt said as he turned to grab the chair, and Sebastian noticed he was blushing a bit, which made him feel a little better about being nervous himself.

"So... you're here."

"I am."

The moment was beginning to feel a bit awkward. Sebastian looked at Kurt and laughed a little, his head shook as he looked at him.

"What?"

"Nothing, it's just... My mom said you'd come, but I didn't think you'd actually do it." Sebastian didn't mean to be rude; he was just genuinely surprised.

"Yeah well, I promised her I'd come..."

"Is that the only reason you're here?"

Kurt looked at him and squinted his eyes, "That's a trick question, isn't it?"

"No."

"Sure it's not."

Sebastian gave him a once over before speaking again, "So, Kurt Hummel is a man of his word huh?"

"Of course I am."

"Am I to believe you really haven't told anyone about... this?"

Kurt sighed. "I told you that I-"

"Come on Kurt..."

"What?"

Sebastian gave him a skeptical look. "You really expect me to believe you haven't even told Blaine?"

Kurt looked puzzled, clearly annoyed by Sebastian's accusations.

"I don't expect you to do anything. I haven't told anyone, and that's the truth, whether you want to believe me or not."

Kurt crossed his arms and looked to the window. Sebastian looked at him, not saying anything, just thinking. The silence between them stretched a bit too long, until Sebastian decided to speak again.

"Okay, I believe you."

That made Kurt turn back to look at him.

"Good."

Sebastian's phone started buzzing right at that moment. He turned to stare at it, hesitating before reaching over to the bedside table to grab it. It was his mom.

"Hi mom."

"Hello honey, how are you? How are you feeling?"

He sighed, "I'm okay..."

"Did you eat breakfast?"

Sebastian smiled painfully, he did have breakfast, he just didn't exactly 'eat it'.

"Yes."

"That's great honey. Your dad was there yesterday, he said he went over with your aunt Helen, but that you were asleep."

So that's where the flower arrangement came from. Sebastian glared at it as his mom kept talking, not really paying attention anymore as she went on and on about his aunt and how she said she would visit again sometime.

Kurt noticed Sebastian's glare and followed his line of sight towards the small corner table, but didn't say anything. Sebastian wanted nothing more than to get rid of the damn thing and what it represented, in fact, he wondered if he could find something to burn it with. Maybe Kurt could make himself useful and help him get something.

"Mom... I have to go."

"What? Why honey? Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, it's just... Kurt's here, but he's leaving so I should um-"

"He is?" Sebastian could hear the smile through her voice, "Oh Bastian that's so great, I'll go then, you go ahead and talk to Kurt, tell him I said hi."

"I will, okay... Bye mom."

He hung up and took a deep breath. Kurt must have noticed his change in demeanor.

"So, should I be on my way out or did you say that just to have an excuse to end the call?"

Had he really been that obvious? Sebastian stared at him and huffed, "Well, my mom's just... too much sometimes, but- " he stumbled over his own words, not really knowing how to explain.

"You know that's her job right? Worrying about you." Kurt said, smiling.

"Yeah, it's not that, it's..."

"What?"

Sebastian sighed. He didn't really want to talk about his family issues with Kurt, but at the same time he was so frustrated and upset that he couldn't hold it in.

"You see that thing over there?" Sebastian pointed at the flowers in the corner table, "Those are from my dear aunt Helen, who hasn't spoken to me since she found out I'm gay."

Kurt just raised his eyebrows.

"That was almost 1 year ago. She lives in Westerville too, but somehow she is too busy to ever come over to our house anymore. My cousin Alex, we used to hang out a lot, but all of the sudden he was always conveniently busy with something and couldn't see me anymore." He let out a self-deprecating laugh, "The best part is he still has a lot of time for church activities and stuff. So he can't hang out with me, unless I want go to church with him, which I don't. He keeps making this lame excuses every time I talked to him, saying his mom just wants him to focus on his studies, which is bullshit. I'm sure that just means his mom doesn't want him to be around me... But now that I have cancer, all of the sudden she cares about me again?"

Kurt said nothing, just pressed his lips in a tight line while Sebastian ranted.

"Look Kurt, I just don't want you to feel like you have to be here just because of my mom, or because I'm sick. You don't have to feel sorry for me. I'm fine, really."

Kurt gave him a pained smile, "Listen, I'll admit I was insecure about coming, but mostly 'cause I was worried that you'd kick me out as soon as I walked through the door. Not because I didn't care."

"But why would you care? I've treated you like crap, almost blinded your boyfriend... you should hate me." Sebastian hated the way his voice cracked a little at the end; he was just so upset. He didn't want people's pity, he didn't want to be in this position, he hated it.

"Well, believe it or not it takes a lot more than that for me to actually hate someone."

Sebastian huffed, "Yeah, especially when they're dying right?"

"Don't say that..." Kurt quickly said, frowning, "You're not dying!"

"You don't know that."

"Well neither do you... Right?"

Kurt's words stung, 'cause they were true. Sebastian didn't know, and that's part of what was so excruciating about this whole thing. He couldn't know. Both boys just stayed silent for a couple of seconds that stretched a bit too long and felt like an eternity.

"Well, I'll either get better or I'll die. But you don't have to be here just because the latter is more likely to happen."

Kurt sighed, exasperated with Sebastian's stubbornness.

"Look Sebastian, I'm here because I want to." His voice was firm and his eyes piercing as he spoke, "And I know we're not friends, and that I can't tell you what to do because I don't know what you're going through, but... I really don't think you should be alone."

Kurt's words seemed genuine and that made Sebastian feel a mixture of things all at once. He breathed in and bit the inside of his lip, hoping Kurt wouldn't notice, a painful knot formed in his throat and his eyes stung. He didn't even know if it was more from the frustration that Kurt was the one telling him these things or the anger of being in this position but he felt like he was going to explode.

He could tell his emotions were slipping through the strong facade he was trying to put up when he saw Kurt's firm expression melt into concern and he just couldn't take it anymore.

"You don't know… anything, Kurt." Sebastian said, voice almost a whisper.

Kurt sighed heavily and shook his head, getting up from the chair. Sebastian guessed he must have finally irked him enough to make him leave. But in that moment the door opened and Dr. Meyers came into the room, followed by a nurse. Kurt seemed startled and just stepped aside as they started checking Sebastian's vitals.

"Good morning Sebastian, how are you feeling today?"

"Uh... I'm okay."

"Better than yesterday?"

He smiled, "Yes, much better."

The doctor checked Sebastian's file while the nurse worked around him. Sebastian was so used to this procedures by now that he just stared at the doctor expectantly while the nurse did her job, hoping to get some good news about his condition.

"Any nausea today? Headaches?"

"I had a headache earlier, but it went away after I uh... ate."

"Have you been nauseous?"

"No, not today."

The doctor nodded as he wrote down a few things on Sebastian's file. "Well, it seems like you're doing better, but we'll still need the tube for today. If you continue to be stable tonight perhaps we can take it out in the morning."

"Does that mean I'll be able to eat normal food again?" Sebastian asked, hopeful.

"Well... we have to start you on a liquid diet first and work from there. We need you to be strong and recovered before your next chemotherapy session."

Sebastian just breathed in and nodded, feeling a mixture of relief, disappointment and dread.

He was just so desperate to have the damn thing taken out that he completely forgot about Kurt. When he turned to look at him, Kurt seemed to be frozen on the spot, hands clutching his bag strap tightly and his cheeks flushed a light pink.

Suddenly Sebastian felt uneasy, realizing what Kurt just witnessed. He quickly regained his composure as the doctor turned to leave the room. The nurse stayed behind for a couple of minutes while she took a blood sample. After she left, Sebastian and Kurt stayed for a couple of seconds in silence.

Sebastian was sure Kurt was about to just walk out on him right before the doctor and nurse came into the room, and the awkwardness from the moment that was interrupted was slowly creeping back in.

"So, that just happened." Sebastian said, feigning nonchalance.

Kurt just smiled and walked back to where the chair was but he didn't sit down again. Instead he just put his bag there and zipped it open. Sebastian stared in silence as Kurt took out a small plastic bag.

"I brought you something." Kurt said pulling a present out of it and giving it to him. Sebastian could tell it was a book.

He raised an eyebrow, "Please don't tell me this some kind of self-help book... Cause I don't-"

"Just open it."

Sebastian rolled his eyes and slowly tore the paper wrapping, revealing a small black book. He stared at it, frowning as he read the title: "Wreck it Journal?"

"It comes with this..." Kurt said, pulling a plastic supply box out of his bag and putting it on the bed, right beside Sebastian's legs.

Sebastian was at a loss. "Crayons? What am I, a child?"

"Well, you certainly act like one sometimes..." Kurt said, teasingly.

"So you brought me a coloring book."

"No, it's a journal, of sorts... it will help you pass the time and stimulate your creativity." Kurt said, smiling proudly.

"You're serious."

"Yes, I am. Give it a try. It's not like you have much to do here anyways."

Sebastian glared at him, but Kurt just smiled obnoxiously as he put his bag over his shoulder again.

"You're leaving?"

"Yeah... My dad will be done any minute now, so... I have to go."

"Oh... okay."

Sebastian didn't even know why he asked Kurt if he was leaving, or why he felt slightly disappointed at the fact, but he just was. Sebastian wondered what would be the 'appropriate' thing to do now. Should he thank him for coming? Should he ask him if he was coming again? Would it be lame? He felt so awkward and uncertain and it must have been written all over his face.

"So..." Kurt said, a little hesitant, "It was nice seeing you... um. I hope you give the book a chance, and tell me what you think."

"So, you're coming back." Sebastian said before he could stop himself. It was more of a statement than a question, but he phrased it tentatively, waiting for Kurt's response.

"Well, I have to come here every 2 days with my dad so, I could use some distraction while I wait."

Sebastian didn't know what to say. He just stared at Kurt.

"Unless... you don't want me to." Kurt added.

"No, it's... it's fine, I guess." Sebastian said, nodding as Kurt smiled and turned to walk out of the room.

"I guess I'll see you around then!" Kurt said, shutting the door behind him, leaving Sebastian in the bed, holding the journal in his hands and feeling completely puzzled about what just happened.

He looked down at the journal for a while before slowly opening it; realizing maybe it wouldn't hurt to look a bit past the cover.

Maybe it could be worth it.

Author's note: So… they FINALLY spoke face to face! What did you guys think? Let me know :) Thanks so much for reading and reviewing.

And also a BIG thank you to my friend Larinia713 because she is awesome and has helped me a lot with advice about everything and specially the medical things for accuracy. I love you Lari.