IMPERIAL JOKE pt2
By LeelaStarsky.
Solo was not aware of it until he got to the Mess for lunch. There had been obscure comments thrown at him by technicians in the hanger where the Falcon was docked, but it wasn't until he went to program the food unit with his meal selection that he came face to face with the default picture of himself on the screen. Chuckling, Solo punched in the request for his meal, the picture vanishing as he did so, and surmised it had to be retaliation. Another one of his tricks had gone off in the princess' cabin!
Wes Janson of Rogue Squadron approached him, a look of smug hilarity pasted on his face, and placed two bread rolls on the tray Solo had just removed from the food unit.
"I thought you might need these. Princess."
Solo laughed, moving to the table where the other Rogues were sitting.
"You really must have upset her this time, Han," Skywalker said, sounding amused. "What'd you do?"
Solo held the rolls up to his ears, struck an indignant pose and said in a forced falsetto, "Why, Lieutenant, whatever do you mean?" There were appreciative chuckles from the others at the table, and Solo waggled his eyebrows at them suggestively.
"And what's this bullshit I heard about you being seen in the princess' cabin?" Janson demanded.
"On her bed," Solo said meaningfully and got the desired response from all except Luke.
"You were fixing all the circuits you tampered with!" he snorted.
"Actually," Solo said, folding his arms across his chest and regarding the younger man disdainfully. "I was there in an official capacity." Skywalker rolled his eyes and Solo insisted, "Ask Rieekan."
"Official what?" Luke asked irritably.
"Official slut," Janson answered, and they all laughed.
Solo wagged a finger at them. "She wanted information-"
"She was pumping him for information!" Chambers hooted, and the others laughed - except Luke, who eyed Chambers with thinly veiled disgust.
"And did she get it?" Janson asked, grinning suggestively at Solo.
Solo opened his mouth to reply but Chambers responded with another crass comment then laughed loudly at his own joke. The response from the others was not quite as enthusiastic.
"I told her what I knew," Solo said to take the focus off Chambers, then admitted, "Which wasn't a lot."
When she was called into a meeting by the Supreme Commander, Leia suspected something ...Solo-ish might have happened, and found herself entering the room apprehensively. But nothing could have prepared her for the sight of Crix Madine with a bright blue face. For a long moment she stared at him, aghast. The ex-Imperial looked far from amused.
"Princess Leia," Mon Mothma said, and Leia tore her eyes away from Madine to look at the Supreme Commander. "We noticed your post this morning."
Shit! Leia thought, and said hastily, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't think-" Then wondered how they'd known it had been perpetrated by her and kicked herself mentally for confessing. "It was a..." Idiot! You're making excuses like a teenager! "...retaliation." Her eyes slid across to Madine, and she forced herself to look away. How the hell did he get it to turn so blue?
"I have decided I would like to meet Captain Solo," Mon Mothma said.
Again Leia felt an acute moment of shock. How did one introduce an uncouth Corellian smuggler to someone like Mon Mothma? Then it occurred to her to wonder if he had played one of his silly pranks on the Supreme Commander yet, and for a moment she felt ill. At least her face isn't blue!
Leia looked at Madine. Was the Council expecting to discipline Solo? If anything was going to drive the Corellian from the Rebellion it would be something like that, and for a moment Leia felt distinctly afraid. Afraid of losing him.
"Is that-" she started, still looking at Madine.
The ex-Imperial indicated his face. "Solo's work?" He nodded and held up his hands; the palms were bluer than the backs. "Rigged my shower somehow," he growled. "Even left a message," he said, then added sarcastically, "Makes me feel kind of accepted."
Leia looked at him and thought, The man is insane, uncertain herself whether she meant Madine or Solo.
"I understand that Captain Solo spends most of his down time with the flight crews or working on his ship, is that correct?" Mon Mothma inquired.
Leia nodded. "Yes, that's right. Did you want me to call him?" she asked, but made no move to reach for her comlink.
"Yes-" the Supreme Commander started to say, but Madine held up a hand.
"I think I would like to see him in his natural habitat," he said to Mon Mothma, then turned to smile at the princess. "I would certainly like to see his ship; considering some of the preposterous claims I've heard about it."
All of them true, Leia thought, but she simply nodded, sensing inevitability in the whole horrible mess and wondered if things could get any worse.
Her worst fears were realized the minute Mon Mothma stepped up to the door.
"Oh, most noble of Ladies!" it gushed, sliding aside. "This door is humbled by your passage."
Leia looked from the door to Mon Mothma, feeling mortified. The Supreme Commander smiled tightly and stepped through, followed by Leia, Madine and several aides.
The door to the elevator opened as they reached it. "Glorious Lady! Thank you for gracing this door with your presence."
Standing in the elevator as it carried them to the hangar deck, Leia tried to rationalize herself out of the ridiculous sense of guilt she was feeling. She tried to focus it into some sort of constructive outrage or anger, but the sight of Crix Madine's blue face had her verging on hysteria. Her chin trembled briefly with unexpressed mirth, and she prayed Mon Mothma and Madine would not notice.
"The man is quite brilliant," Mon Mothma was saying. "He has somehow enabled every door sensor on this ship to be able to recognize me, and me alone, and react accordingly. The skill required to do a shipwide reprogram without touching a single door..."
"It was those abilities that got him assigned to my unit," Madine said. "He had the reputation for being able to get in anywhere."
Like my cabin, Leia thought. "That could be quite useful to us," she said carefully.
"Yes, it could," Madine agreed. "If we could trust him."
"You trusted him when he was part of your unit."
"I did," he admitted. "But that was a long time ago."
"Perhaps he would be appropriate for the Galadan mission?" Mon Mothma suggested.
Leia frowned; she hadn't heard anything about a Galadan mission.
Madine considered for a long moment, then nodded. "Yes. Being a pirate, he probably knows his way around Galadan already."
"Han isn't a pirate," Leia disagreed quietly, and they both looked at her, making her feel acutely self-conscious.
"He's your friend," Madine said, and to Leia's ears it sounded like an accusation. "Do you think he'd be willing to help us?"
"That would depend on how much we're willing to pay him," Leia said coldly.
The elevator stopped and the door opened. "Thank you, Supreme Commander, for using this insignificant door."
General Rieekan joined them as they stepped out of the lift, unable to suppress a chuckle at the sight of Crix Madine's face, and the two men chatted briefly as he led the way to the hangar deck that housed the Millennium Falcon. They passed through several more doors on the way, all of which had something to say about the glory that was Mon Mothma.
Solo must have seen them approaching the Falcon, because he was waiting at the bottom of the ramp by the time they reached it. Leia's eyes flashed a myriad of warnings at him, cringing inwardly at how scruffy he looked, and he raised an eyebrow at her. Chewbacca emerged a moment later and eyed Madine warily.
"Supreme Commander," Rieekan said, smiling at Mon Mothma, "it is my pleasure to introduce you to Captain Han Solo." He turned to Solo. "Han, this is-"
"Mon Mothma, Supreme Commander of the Alliance," Solo finished for him and inclined his head respectfully towards the woman.
Mon Mothma smiled at the tall Corellian. "Captain." Her eyes roved across the hull of his ship for a moment, lingered on Chewbacca, then came fully back to him. "I am pleased to meet you at last," she told him. "I had heard of you, of course, and your valour over Yavin Four. It seems you are talented in more than just piloting."
Knowing she was referring to his prank with the doors, Solo had the good sense to look abashed, but smiled nevertheless. "Ma'am," he said.
"Since you have gone to so much trouble to bring your skills to our attention, Captain, be assured that for as long as you are with us, the generals and I will keep them in mind for any future missions." Before Solo could respond, Mon Mothma turned to Chewbacca and inquired, "And this is your first mate?"
Solo nodded, replying, "Chewbacca."
"I am honoured," she said respectfully. "It is a long time since I have seen one of your people in a situation resembling freedom."
Chewbacca rumbled a response, which Solo dutifully translated. "He says thank you, and he's honoured to meet you, too."
"It is an...unassuming ship," Mon Mothma said politely, eyeing the Falcon carefully.
"Certainly wouldn't expect it to be capable of the things it has reportedly achieved," Madine said, his teeth very white against the blue stain on his skin. "Hello, Solo."
"Commander Madine," Solo acknowledged stiffly.
"Actually, it's Captain," Madine corrected.
"Then I guess we're equals now," Solo said carefully, the tone in his voice daring the former Imperial to disagree.
Madine smiled tightly. "We're Corellian; what else would we be?"
"Right," Solo agreed, his tone assuring the other man that their shared nationality counted for very little in his opinion.
"So, Captain," Mon Mothma said, smiling. "May I ask how much longer the doors of this ship will be worshipping me?"
Solo smiled and asked seriously, "Do you really want them to stop?"
The woman chuckled. "It has been a pleasure meeting you, Han," she said. "I'll expect the doors to be back to normal by this evening."
"Yes, Ma'am," Solo agreed respectfully.
Mon Mothma moved away, followed by her aides, and Leia paused long enough to give Solo a look that told him that if he tried something like this again she would kill him, then followed the woman from the hangar deck.
Madine took a step closer to the Falcon, eyeing it critically.
"Quite a ship you have there, Solo."
"She's got it where it counts," Solo responded stiffly. He suspected Madine wanted a tour and got a deep sense of satisfaction from the knowledge that his former commander's curiosity would go unsated. For the moment, anyway.
Madine managed a smile that didn't reach his eyes. "And then some, I would guess?"
Solo shrugged and threw Rieekan a conspiratorial smile, then indicated Madine's blue face and said helpfully, "Nirin spirit'll get that off, you know." Smirking, he turned and walked back up the ramp and into his ship, followed by the ever-wary Wookiee.
Madine glared at the arrogant Corellian's back, then looked at Rieekan and muttered, "And take half my skin off in the process."
"Don't worry," Rieekan reassured him as they walked away from the Millennium Falcon. "It'll have worn off in a couple of weeks anyway." Madine scowled and Rieekan asked, "Has he changed?"
Madine shook his head. "He's a little scruffier...but his attitude seems the same."
The call to Crix Madine's office was unexpected and, in Leia's current frame of mind, a further irritation. Despite the ultimately harmless nature of Solo's pranks, Leia couldn't help feeling guilty and responsible, and she had never felt so embarrassed in front of Mon Mothma in her life.
She suspected Madine wanted to discuss Solo and, despite the fact that Solo had been all she could think about for the past hour, Leia did not want to admit to the fact. The sight of the newly appointed general's blue face, as he welcomed her into his small office, shocked the princess afresh. He indicated the seat in front of his desk and she sat.
"What can I do for you, General?" Leia asked stiffly.
Madine sat on the edge of his desk, not on his chair, and Leia found herself irritated by it. Damn unconventional Corellians, she thought.
"I have a proposition for you, Princess."
Leia eyed him warily and asked coolly, "What sort of proposition?"
Madine grinned and moved back around the desk to sit in his chair. As he leaned across the desk to her Leia swore he looked gleeful.
"You know the old saying, Princess: 'Don't get angry. Get even.' "
"Is this about Han?" The idea of helping Madine get back at Solo did not sit well with her.
He placed a tiny cylindrical device on the desk in front of her, and Leia picked it up to examine it closer. She was pretty certain she knew what it was, but asked anyway, "What is it?"
"State-of-the-art Imperial Surveillance Device."
"A bug?"
Madine smiled. "A bug."
Leia smiled, shook her head, and put the item back on the desk. "It won't work," she said matter-of-factly. "Solo's totally paranoid about tracking devices. He sweeps the Falcon..." Leia cast her mind back trying to remember how often she'd seen the smuggler do a "bug hunt" on his ship, and found she couldn't come up with anything definite. "...All the time," she finished lamely.
"Every day?" Madine inquired.
Leia frowned. "I don't think so." Not any more. "Before and after a mission usually." She shifted uncomfortably, wondering what the ex-Imperial was fishing for, and was irritated with herself for feeling defensive on Solo's behalf. "Depends how paranoid he's feeling, I guess." She regarded him carefully and asked, "Why?"
Madine leaned conspiratorially towards her. "All I need is some dialogue."
"I thought you weren't talking to me, Princess."
For several days following his "assaults" on Mon Mothma and Madine, Leia had pointedly avoided the morally challenged Corellian. As she approached him now, she was intimately reminded why. He oozed arrogance. Leia forced herself to swallow an automatically spiteful retort and focus on her mission.
"I think I left a datachip in your cabin from the Commenor mission," she said, walking past him and up the Falcon's ramp.
Solo's eyes narrowed but he purred suggestively as he followed her inside his ship, "Commenor mission was weeks ago, sweetheart. Sounds to me like you're looking for excuses to get into my cabin."
Leia felt a flutter of panic and was grateful that he couldn't see her face. If only he knew how spot on his assessment was...
"Where's Chewie?" she asked, pausing in the corridor, eyeing the approaching Corellian and wishing she didn't feel like prey all of a sudden.
"Why?" he asked, stopping barely an arm length from her, forcing her to tilt her head to look up at him. "Worried I might jump you?"
Leia snorted derisively and moved through the ring corridor to Solo's cabin on the port side of the ship. The sooner she did this, the sooner she could leave. Summoning her courage, she palmed open the door and stepped in.
Stepping over clothes and other sundry items, she moved straight to his desk and surreptitiously placed the tiny Imperial Surveillance Device under one edge, aware of Han standing in the hatchway, arms crossed, watching her every move. She then made a show of searching the rest of the cabin while she removed the datachip from her pocket, then seemed to "find" it among the clutter on his desk.
"Here it is!" she said, waving it triumphantly, and made to leave the small room. She could feel the suspicion rolling off him. She could also feel the heat from his body and put a hand against his chest, uncertain whether it was to stop her own advance, or if she had done it just to touch him.
Solo looked at the hand on his chest and she saw a whisper of a smile at the corner of his mouth.
"You know, there is one thing your little joke on Mon Mothma has taught me," she said, taking a step back.
"Taught you?" Solo grinned. "Taught you?" Leia nodded, and he moved closer, eyeing her seductively. "And what is that, sweetheart?"
Leia shook her head at him and stepped away. "That you're an infantile jerk." She turned on her heel and walked out, leaving Solo looking slightly puzzled by the whole encounter.
Han looked livid as he stalked through the Secondary Mess toward Leia's table.
Luke, who was sharing dinner with the princess, had sensed the sudden change in her body language and turned to see what had made her so tense. Here we go again, he thought. And from the number of heads following the Corellian's progress through the room, so did a lot of other people.
Solo stopped beside Leia's chair and leaned down to her, one hand on the back of her seat and the other a fist in front of her face. He opened the fist. Lying in his palm was a tiny bit of metal and plastic.
Without a word, Solo turned his hand over and dropped the small object into the princess' dinner. He then took the fork from her unresisting fingers, stirred the item into her food with it, then turned and stalked away.
Leia stared at her plate as the expectant hush that had fallen over the room slowly returned to the normal chatter and clatter of the dinner hour. Finally, she sighed and picked up the fork Solo had left lying across her meal.
Luke watched her pick through her meal and wondered how he should react to this new and sinister silence between his friends. The yelling, the shouting, the sarcasm - those he was used to. The silence, Luke suspected, was serious. Leia retrieved whatever it was Solo had dropped into her meal, shaking it off her fork and onto the table.
"What is it?" Luke asked quietly, but made no attempt to pick it up.
"An ISD," Leia said.
Luke stifled an urge to shriek, and instead asked with forced control, "You bugged Han?"
"It was Madine's idea," Leia responded quietly.
"Retaliation, huh?"
"Something like that."
Luke considered his words, then said carefully, "Bugging seems more of an invasion of privacy than Han's jokes usually are." Leia remained silent, staring at the device on the table. "Lets hope it didn't get anything too personal," he added.
Leia abruptly picked up the ISD, wiped the residue of food off it, and got to her feet, unable to disguise the irritation in her voice. "Of course it did! Why else do you think he was so angry?"
Crix Madine looked up as Leia Organa entered his office and greeted her enthusiastically.
"Princess!" he said, "I got some priceless-"
She put the listening device on his desk and Madine frowned.
"He found it?"
She nodded.
"Already..." He picked up the small device, rolling it between his thumb and forefinger. "I'm impressed."
"He wasn't," she said flatly.
Madine's smile was lascivious. "I'll bet."
Leia regarded him with undisguised distaste and very evident guilt. "Destroy it," she said. "Whatever 'dialogue' you managed to...overhear. Destroy it. Please."
The ex-Imperial frowned. "But-"
"It isn't funny, General. It's an invasion of privacy. And it's already taken what small amount of trust Han had for me."
"But, surely, after what he did to Mon Mothma-"
Leia shook her head. "It may have been embarrassing, but it was harmless. This seems anything but."
"I'll make sure there's no connection to you."
"He knows it was me who bugged him!"
Madine nodded and reluctantly acquiesced. "I suppose."
When Madine had finally assured her that he would destroy the recording, Leia's thank-you had been heartfelt. Three days later found her feeling gullible, naïve, angry, and ashamed, as the Open Mess comm system played what sounded like Solo having sex with Chewbacca. Barlon Chambers laughed so hard he almost made himself sick, but most everyone else looked disturbed and uncomfortable.
Solo walked out as soon as it started, and Luke's gaze pierced Leia. She stormed out, determined to take on Crix Madine, consequences be damned.
Madine's office was empty. Feeling no compunction whatsoever, Leia sat at his desk and activated the terminal. The screen flickered to life, and she used her priority code to bypass the securities and put in a request for sound files. There weren't many, but then, Madine hadn't been with them for very long.
She found the most recent entries, of which there were three, and opened the shortest one. It didn't take her long to recognize the abomination that had just been inflicted on the entire ship, and she hurriedly closed it.
The next one seemed to be a conversation between Han and Chewbacca, and she recognized phrases from the recording that had been broadcast over the PA. The realization that the "joke" recording was an amalgamation of sounds was a surprising relief - but that would mean that the other sound file was of someone having sex, probably Solo.
She opened it reluctantly and couldn't distinguish the voices at first. It was a jumble of male voice, female voice, scattered mutterings - and Leia found herself wondering who the woman was, surprised to realize she felt jealous. Why should I feel jealous? It's not as if I wish it were me. Nevertheless, she admitted to feeling glad it wasn't Chewie.
She heard Solo mutter the name "Cal" and did a rapid mental search of personnel. She was shocked as she identified Lieutenant Calitha Therras - then she wondered why she was shocked. The lieutenant was one of the pilots; it wasn't really surprising. Still, it irked her that they could both be so...casual.
Corellians!
Therras moaned, and Solo gave a sigh of deep satisfaction. Are they doing it? Leia wondered, automatically leaning closer to the speaker. She could hear a telltale creak from a bunk's inner spring and thought, Yes, they are. The realization triggered an ache in her, inflamed desires she thought she had mastered. I shouldn't be listening to this, she thought irritably, shifting uncomfortably. It's my own stupid fault. As if participation in Madine's scheme wasn't bad enough, now I'm listening to this! Angrily, she switched it off, then stared at the screen for a long moment, allowing her outrage to inspire her.
Then she smiled and gave Madine's computer a directive and code that only the highest-ranking Council members knew. A code designed to destroy sensitive information in the event of Imperial boarding. A code that deleted every scrap of information Madine's computer contained.
Leia watched with a deep sense of satisfaction as the last file she'd opened vanished into oblivion.
She found Solo in the Mess. He was sitting by himself, which was unusual. The Corellian had become very popular in the last few months, particularly among the pilots, and the only place Leia had seen him alone in recent weeks was on the Falcon. Now he was alone in a crowded room and seemed intent on drinking himself into oblivion.
She studied the surrounding faces and knew she could put a name to most of them, and it irritated her to think that people she knew, or thought she knew, could suddenly be so shallow. Most of them would know without a doubt that Han and Chewie's relationship was not what had been implied by the vicious joke, and yet they all seemed to have assumed the same xenophobic prejudice.
Leia felt a wave of righteous indignation for the Corellian and the Wookiee. What if that had been the way their relationship was? What business was it of anyone else? And how dare they judge?
Looking at Solo, Leia felt a resurgence of the lustful thoughts that had gripped her in Madine's office. The pull of his shirt defined the muscles in his arms and chest as he raised the bottle to his mouth to take another swallow of whatever it was he was drinking, and she watched his larynx bob as the contents slid down his throat. He was unshaven and even scruffier than usual, but roguishly handsome despite that, and Leia found herself wondering what it would feel like to sleep with him.
Fantasy images of a naked Han cascaded through her brain, and she crossly put them aside, trying to concentrate on the task at hand. Solo could have any woman on the ship, and obviously did. Often. And despite her desires, Leia's moral upbringing did not allow for such casual liaisons, nor would she ever allow herself to become a notch on a bulkhead. She had come here to apologize and was determined to endure any scalding that Solo saw fit to give her.
He looked up as she sat opposite him, and Leia realized he wasn't drunk, despite his appearance. His expression became stormy as he looked at her, then he carefully and deliberately picked up the bottle he'd been staring at and started to leave.
"Han, wait." She stopped him with a hand on his arm. "Please."
Solo looked at her hand then sneered dangerously at her, "Get outta my way, Princess, or I'm gonna say something I'll regret!"
"Then say it. That's why I'm here."
"Oh!" Solo said mockingly. "Oh!" He banged the bottle loudly on the table top, grabbing the attention of people at the surrounding tables, and Leia decided that maybe he was a little drunk, just carrying it well. "Think you can just take your cuts and it'll be all better, Your Highness?"
"I know you're upset, Han, and you have every right to be. I just want you to know how sorry I am."
"Sorry?" Solo spat. "Sorry?" He gave their reluctant audience an amused sneer and told them, "She's sorry." He pointed his finger savagely at her face and accused, "You bugged me."
"I've wiped Madine's computer," Leia told him. "It's all gone."
"HA!" he said loudly, sounding slightly mollified. Then his eyes narrowed and he asked, "Did ya listen to all of it?"
Leia shook her head, "No. I just wiped everything."
Solo snorted loudly, then picked up his bottle and stalked out of the Mess. Leia followed and he growled at her. "Leave me alone, Your Worship; I ain't in the mood."
"Did Chewie hear?" she persisted, having to jog to keep up with him.
"He heard," Solo responded but did not slow his pace. "The General broadcast it in the hangar."
Leia winced but asked, "Is he upset?"
"Ain't gonna matter much longer, sweetheart - we're leaving."
"Han, please-" Leia started, and he turned on her.
"This is exactly the sort of shit I rescued him from, Princess!" He spat the title at her like it was poison.
Leia steeled herself for a verbal explosion, quite prepared to take it. For once she felt she deserved it. But, as she was learning, when Solo was truly angry, he stopped yelling.
He leaned over her, his face centimetres from her own, and hissed, "You have no idea what he went through, what I had to watch."
Leia had some idea certainly; she had seen examples of Imperial slavery. That was one of the reasons why she was with the rebellion.
"I understand, Han, I do. I know the brutality-"
"Ever watched a Wookiee beaten to within a millimetre of his life?" Solo hissed vehemently. "Bound so tightly he doesn't have a hope of fighting back? Ever had to watch while an entire squadron fucks him?"
Leia blanched, shocked despite preparing herself for the worst. She swallowed. "The fight against slavery and injustice has been one of the greatest unifiers of this rebellion-" she started to say, then paused, recognizing her own tendency to lecture and Solo's abhorrence of her speeches. She sighed and finished quietly. "That's why we're here, isn't it? To fight for freedom, no matter the species?"
Solo glared at her for a long moment, then said with an air of finality, "Well, have a nice revolution, Princess. Chewie 'n' me are leaving."
Her worst fears realized, Leia took a deep breath and begged. "Don't!" He opened his mouth to argue but she continued hurriedly. "Madine's leaving with Mon Mothma on the Liberty; they'll be gone by the morning."
Solo shook his head. "Madine's not the problem, Princess. I am." Leia started to deny it, but Solo said matter-of-factly, "They don't like me, they don't trust me, they never will."
"The pilots trust you," she said. "Luke trusts you."
Solo paused for a beat, then said, "I notice you didn't include yourself in there." He turned and walked away, down the corridor.
Leia swallowed, then hurried to catch up with him. "Han!" She stopped him with a hand on his arm. "Do you trust us?" she asked.
Solo shook his head and admitted, "I don't trust anybody."
"Except Chewie," Leia amended.
"Except Chewie," he agreed, then added, "And maybe Luke."
"Do you trust me?" Solo ducked his head and Leia smiled wanly. "Yet you expect me to trust you?"
Solo regarded his boots for a moment then admitted, "You're right." He sighed and nodded, finally looking her in the eye. "You're right." Then added, "But I'm still leaving."
"Because of me?" Leia wanted to know. "Or because of Madine?"
"Because I've been here too long already."
He stalked away, and Leia watched him go, unable to think of anything she could tell him that might inspire him to stay.
fin.