CAP 10
Where do I begin? It's the first thing that comes to mind when I wake up with the cry of my mom telling me that breakfast is ready.
Why does she have that habit of waking up sooo early? Today it is Sunday.
Can`t she make an exception even on Sundays?
With how difficult it was for me to fall asleep.
My head didn`t stop until I could assimilate my feelings towards Regina. And then it took me a few more hours to realize how blind I've been.
The fire in my stomach that I felt when we came back from New York and I found out that she was with Robin. To feel in the bottom of the heart that they were not for each other, that she deserves much more.
Being the Dark One I allowed myself to be relieved to see Robin dying. And even then when she asked me to save him I couldn`t deny her.
That kiss he gave her when he breathed again. Ugh I could feel the anger taking over me. And I tried to control it by kissing my supposedly happy ending, which obviously didn`t work.
That's why I had to go, if I lost control I didn`t want to hurt anyone. But just one look at her eyes just before leaving was all it took for me to feel the darkness gave me a break. Only with one look from her.
Oh my God! I gave HER the dagger! Not my parents. Not Hook. To her.
The number of times I felt jealousy that today I recognize as such. Like when Robin took her hand to calm her frustration in the Author's library.
- "How the fuck I didn`t realize before?" –
- "Emma are you coming?" –
I return to the reality that Snow is calling me to come down for breakfast on a Sunday at 8 in the morning.
- "I`m coming!" - I can`t stop my frustration from showing in my voice.
Which is why when I open the door I find my father standing there.
-"Good Morning"-
-"Hi Emma"-
He tells me and takes a deep breath.
- "Look, I understand you're upset but your mother just wants to help."-
He tells me with tenderness and firmness at the same time.
- "I know" – I answer frustrated.
- "And I'm sorry, I didn`t sleep well." –
- "You know you have us for what you need." –
-"Yes I know. But I'm overwhelmed. "- We continue talking as we go down the stairs, where Henry and Snow are already sitting waiting for us.
-"Good morning my love."-
My mother greets me.
-"Good morning, I'm sorry." –
She looks at me with a touch of sadness but accepts my apologies. I kiss my son's forehead and sit next to him. There are no words to describe the mood at breakfast. Although I couldn`t distinguish if it is because of the scream that hit my mother or because now I am aware that I am in love and not precisely whit the husband who left me.
-"Do you have plans for today?"-
Ask my mom when the silence is too much for a family breakfast.
- "I think I'm going for a walk in the woods. To clear a little my mind. "- I answer without thinking.
-"Great. What time are we leaving?"-
Henry asks me.
-"Look; I don`t want you to get mad with what I'm going to tell you, but I'd like to go alone."-
And once again the silence takes over the room.
- "I don`t want you to feel that I am not infinitely grateful for all your care. But I'm overwhelmed. I can`t accommodate neither my head nor my heart ... "-
I say this looking at David having faith that he will understand me, and I can see from his face that he is.
- "... when I'm surrounded by so many people." –
My mother's face tells me that I hurt her.
- "…people who love me and whom I love back. But I need you to understand that as a child I had to learn to deal with things alone; and for the moment I`m not being able to settle down surrounded by so much care. I need to take distance and be able to put things in perspective. "-
- "Mom, you have my full support. I think if it's what you need, then that's what you have to do. "-
- "Just remember that we are one call away." –
My father says as he hugs my mother.
- "Mom?" –
I don`t want to hurt her but I really need to be a couple of hours alone.
- "I think it's good, honey. Be careful."-
She tells me and I can tell she's upset.
-"OK thanks."-
I know Snow feels guilty for what I said but it's true. I also choose to do my walk in the afternoon.
Lunch was also tinged with uncomfortable tension. I dedicate the morning to help Henry with his homework, in fact he does it alone but I was by his side.
The child has been so worried about me that he has neglected school a little. Something Regina should never know about.
Around 4pm I tell my son that if he does not catch up with the school I will be forced to tell his mother. Which assures me that the child will be busy with the books for a couple of hours. I take my keys and before leaving I go to my mother and hug her with the intention of apologizing. But she beats me.
- "I`m sorry Emma." –
She tells me while she hugs me even more strongly.
- "No mom I`m asking you to forgive me." –
I tell her with sincerity.
- "Honey I know I can be dense sometimes. But I'm so worried about your heart and I do not know how to help you. "-
- "You've helped me a lot, Mom. Sorry if I haven`t shown how grateful I am, but I really appreciate it. "-
- "You know we love you right?" –
- "Of course, as much as I love you guys." –
I assure her.
- "But there are situations where I need to be alone. I need to be able to scream and cry without anyone comforting me; to be able to get out me somehow this weight. This anguish. And I can`t when I know that if I do it near any of you, it will be only worry you more. "-
- "Even if you don`t believe me, I understand you more than you imagine." –
She tells me with a smile and she hug me again.
-"Go."-
- "So everything is fine?" –
-"All good. Do what you need to do and remember what your father said; we are a call away. "-
I leave my house smiling for the first time since last Sunday. With that smile plastered on my face, I get into my car.
I finally could fix something.
Finally I was able to tell my family what I feel without fear that they reject me or make me feel like a weirdo. And once again Regina was right. I am no longer an orphan. They are not a family that can return me if I do not agree with the living room furniture.
They love me for who I am and it was me who was afraid to be in front of them.