AN: I really don't think I like this one very much, which is probably part of why it took me five months to write (so sorry about that, seriously). However, it's finally done, so I hope you all enjoy it. I've always loved the hospital scene in this episode, especially Beckett's tiny smile when Castle asks if she remembers, so I thought I'd play around with it. Turns out it took me a lot longer than I thought.
Please review (because even though I'm a terrible person who doesn't update often enough, I still want to here if you guys love/hate it!)
"Kate, I love you. I love you Kate."
The words swam through Kate's mind like a mantra, even though she'd been holding conversations with nurses and her father for almost half an hour. Every time she blinked she expected to open her eyes to Castle, his eyes full of worry and pain, with the backdrop of the beautiful blue sky.
Instead she only saw the dull hospital room and her father. Guilt wracked her body because she should be happy to be alive, happy to just be sitting there talking to her father. For that matter, she should be anxiously awaiting the arrival of her boyfriend, but all she could think about was her partner.
Castle. Excitement and fear bloomed in her chest and she took a deep breath to calm herself before realizing just how bad an idea that was. Where was he?
Then she heard footsteps in the hallway.
As the door opened she couldn't help but hope Castle would walk through it, and she hoped her disappointment didn't show when it was Josh's face that came into view.
"Kate, hey. How are you?" His voice was soft and caring, making her wish she felt anything but numbed by it. The way he was looking at her, it was obvious that he cared for her, but it was equally obvious to Kate now that it just wasn't enough.
"A little sore, but I'll live. The pain meds are doing their job." It was a lie; she was definitely a lot more than a little sore. Josh nodded anyway, accepting the answer when Castle would have known she was lying, would have called her out for it.
"I'll just give you guys a minute." Jim smiled as he walked out of the room. Kate secretly hoped he would call Castle.
Josh moved to sit in the chair next to the bed and Kate's heart sank. This was not the time to do this, but she couldn't wait, not when she looked at him and felt nothing but shame.
"Josh I... I heard you were the one who..." she looked at her hands, unable to face him as she tried to figure out exactly what to say. "Thank you. I guess that's what I'm trying to say."
"It's my job Kate. Anyway I wasn't the one who saved you, not really. I pulled myself out before much of anything could be done." They both knew he was being modest, that he had saved her life just as much as anyone else, but it was easier on both of them this way.
"I can't," she forced herself to look him in the eye, he deserved that much. "I can't be with you anymore. I'm sorry; this is terrible timing, but I have to be honest. And I think we both know that we don't work, not practically."
"Kate... you're acting like we're some mechanical prototype that doesn't function properly." He was hurt, but he didn't seem angry or even resentful. Honestly, she wasn't sure she hadn't expected outrage and accusations. He was better than she gave him credit for sometimes.
"No, that's not what I- I'm sorry I wish I could explain this better. I'm no good with words." She bent forward just enough to take hold of one of his hands, ignoring the stab of pain in her side.
"You are a good man, and a great surgeon." He scoffed, but she shook her head. "No, I mean that, Josh, not just because you saved my life. You love what you do as much as I love what I do, and that's why we don't work. We lead separate lives. And as much as we could work towards a life together, that fact would never change. We hardly ever see each other, and before you say you can easily change that, I wouldn't want you to.
"You and I... we're just to different. Or maybe we're too similar, I don't know. And I'm sorry for doing this now, I really am, but I think it would be worse to lie to you." Kate trailed off, not really sure what else to say and certain she was going straight to hell for all of it. She wasn't lying though, and she wasn't going to hide from her emotions anymore.
"Well, I can't say I completely agree with you, but I can see where you're coming from. We both deserve to be with someone who's willing to put us first, and I don't think either of us is willing to do that. I just," he squeezed her hand and smiled sadly. "I wish things could be different."
In that moment, so did Kate. Then the door opened.
Castle.
Kate tried to keep the grin off her face, knowing what it would do to Josh, but the look on Castle's face told her he needed to see it.
"Hey, Castle." Her smile faded a little, he wouldn't look at her. His eyes were stuck on her hands, specifically the one still holding Josh's.
What was she supposed to do now? She looked at Josh and watched as he looked from Castle, to their hands, and then to her face. Recognition and resignation washed over his face and he squeezed her hand again before standing.
He walked around the bed, stepping right up to Castle and holding out his hand. The surprise on Castle's face almost made her laugh, but she was glad she didn't; silence allowed her the opportunity to witness the awkward interaction.
Castle took Josh's hand and they both nodded at the other. The pure machismo in it would have had her in stitches, if the mere thought of laughing didn't make her chest and side ache.
And then Josh was gone and there was only Castle, holding an enormous bouquet of flowers and staring at her, trying to make sense of the last few moments. Either that or she really did look as bad as she felt.
"I heard you were opening a flower store so I thought I'd pitch in."
He smiled at her innocently, but all she could see was the fear and doubt in his eyes, reminding her of why she was in this bed in the first place.
"You know that was a really stupid idea, right?" She said the words and watched as his face immediately fell. He looked at her legs as his hands twisted together.
"I'm sorry. I know you're not one for convention and I'm sure you hate all these flowers here, in your mind reminding you that everyone knows you're not one hundred percent. But I couldn't come empty handed, and I figured a teddy bear would be worse so... I settled on flowers."
Castle finally looked her in the eye again, he had been nervously running the tips of two fingers across her bedspread, dangerously close to her thigh. His eyes finally met hers again and she couldn't help but smile.
"I didn't mean the flowers, Rick." Though, hadn't he been right? He'd called her out pretty well. She did feel insecure about the amount of Get Well Soon! and Wishing You A Speedy Recover! cards she'd received. It almost made her want that UCRAP thing he'd made up for Nikki to be closer to the truth.
"What then?"
He was looking at her with an expression she hadn't seen before. It was a mixture of the one he'd had right before he told her he'd investigated her mother's case, and the one he'd had when he sat on the couch with her in L.A. It was love, she couldn't deny that anymore, but it was also fear.
Kate was certain he knew exactly to what she was referring. His hesitance told her he wasn't sure what her reaction to his declaration was going to be. But honestly, how could he not know?
Oh, right. He'd just seen her ex- (not that he knew that) boyfriend holding her hand. She sighed heavily before looking back up at him.
"Trying to catch a bullet for me. That was really stupid, Castle."
He relaxed a little, sitting in the chair next to the bed. The act only made Kate more nervous. She had meant to say something along the lines of "Declaring your love for me as I lay there bleeding out beneath you, unable to reciprocate. That's what." But she'd chickened out at the last second.
Kate could tell from his level of relief when she failed to say this that he didn't want to talk about it either. Was it because he'd seen Josh, or because his feelings had changed since then?
"Yeah well," he said, not looking her in the eye. "It seemed like the thing to do at the time." He smiled sadly, but she winced, glad now that he couldn't see her face.
Steeling herself and gathering all of her nerve, Kate asked the question she was afraid would ruin the possibility of them forever.
"Is that why you said you loved me too?"
His eyes blinked up to hers in shock. Why? How long had he expected her to ignore it? Had he thought she wouldn't remember? Or maybe he hoped she'd just sweep it under the rug and never speak of it again, like that kiss she keeps telling herself was an undercover necessity.
Seconds ticked slowly by while they sat staring at each other, both trying to decipher what they were seeing.
Kate wasn't sure what he was seeing on her face, but his was slowly melting from cautious to hopeful.
"Of course it isn't." Castle looked confused, as if that should be obvious. "I should have said it earlier, much earlier."
He raked a hand over his face and stared at her fingers. They twitched; she wished she could take his hand as easily as she had Josh's.
And then she realized she could. He had just told her, again, that he loved her; weren't they past the whole not touching each other thing?
This really should wait; Kate knew that, but she just didn't care anymore. Convincing herself that she wasn't falling for Castle was so much work and she was so tired.
His gaze was still on her hand, so he jumped slightly when she lifted it to his face. Leaning towards him, she watched disbelief sparkle in his eyes. Not only was she not running away from his confession, she was actively seeking him out.
Kate leaned closer and let her eyes slip shut. There was a moment of delicious anticipation before white-hot flames licked at her chest and, though she tried desperately to stay silent, she couldn't stop the hiss of pain from escaping past her lips.
Instantly, she pulled back, clenching her fists and hoping Castle wouldn't notice just how much pain trying to kiss him had caused her.
"Kate, I'm so sorry. Let me get the nurse." So much for him not noticing.
"Castle, it's fine. I'm fine." She wasn't, but the pain was easing a little, just enough that she could relax her fingers at her sides and open her eyes.
"No, you are not fine. Don't lie to me; I could tell you were in pain the second I walked in. I'm calling the nurse."
He went to stand up, but she grabbed his hand, pulling him back into his chair and closer to her.
"Fine, Rick. Go get the damn nurse. After."
She smiled shyly as she framed his face with her hands. For a moment he looked confused and a little angry, but then she gently tugged his face towards her and he smiled too.
He made a show of pulling the chair closer and cracking his neck as she waited. And then he was leaning in and she could barely breathe, and finally his lips met hers.
If anything could dull the pain in her chest it was this, Castle nibbling softly on her lip and sliding his tongue against hers. She stroked her thumbs across his cheeks, holding him where he was as she felt his hands tighten around her hips.
She wanted more. She wanted so much more. Kissing Castle was more than she could have asked for, but more than anything she wanted to pull him up onto the bed, to press the length of her body against his, to feel and touch all of him the way she hadn't allowed herself to even think about until now.
But she couldn't ignore the pull of her stitches. And she was sure whoever was monitoring her heart rate was about to bring in a crash cart. Reluctantly she broke away, unable to suppress the smile spreading across her face.
When she looked into Castle's eyes and saw they were rimmed with sadness her smile faltered. She wanted to ask why, but she didn't want to burst the bubble of possibility in which she was currently floating.
Castle looked down at her chest and then back to her eyes before pulling himself up farther to wrap hug her gingerly
"I thought I lost you." He whispered into her shoulder.
Kate wrapped her arms tight around him. Damn the pain; she could deal with that later. They both needed this.
AN2: So what do you guys think? Good? Bad? Absolutely terrible?
I'm thinking about possibly writing another scene for this episode, the scene in Beckett's apartment after they talk to the fire inspector (Okay, I'm not actually thinking about it, it's going to happen, but I still want your opinions.). Would any of you be interested in that? It's been rolling around in my brain for weeks now, so I just have to get it on paper. Hopefully that will happen soon.
Also for those of you who liked the last chapter, I've been working on writing a multi-chapter to continue off of that. I haven't gotten very far, but I'm trying. Does that sound like something anyone would want to read?
Lastly, I have created a twitter account for updates on my fics. I probably won't tweet much unless I add something new, but if you guys want to follow me there it's the same username, Lyndsey0334.