Warnings for this chapter: Blood. Panic attack, and severe depression symptoms.
Also, I don't know if this counts as warning, but I actually teared up writing this chapter so… yeah :'( You know how they say "there's a light at the end of the tunnel?" Well this one's just a pretty long tunnel.
The waiting room was cold and eerily quiet, and after what seemed like an eternity of being there, Kurt found himself becoming hyper-aware of every single little noise around him. The footsteps of people walking down the hallway, the ticks of the big clock hanging in the wall, and even his own breathing sounded loudly in his ears. Kurt could hear the quick typing of the lady sitting at the front desk, and the shuffling of papers as a nurse leaned over and whispered something to her. Kurt could hear their voices, but couldn't quite make up what they were saying.
He wished he could.
Kurt breathed in, trying to ease his mind for the thousandth time, but he failed. His attention quickly shifted to the clicking sound of a cellphone keyboard coming from a man sitting a few chairs away from him, then to the sound of his own foot tapping against the white tile.
Across from him, Trent and Blaine were sitting in silence with their faces pale and expression morose. Mrs. Smythe had gotten to the hospital just a couple of minutes after Kurt and Sebastian arrived in the ambulance. Her usually smiling and lovely face was creased with confusion and worry as she hugged Kurt and asked him about what happened. Kurt didn't even have enough time to fully try to explain the situation to her before a nurse came out to guide her inside. Mrs. Smythe quickly followed the nurse, disappearing behind closed doors while Kurt had to stay in the waiting room. About fifteen minutes later, Sebastian's dad arrived.
That had been almost one hour ago. One hour of waiting, worrying and stressing. One hour of sitting there, helplessly. If Sebastian was okay then why hadn't Mrs. Smythe come out to tell them? The logical part of Kurt's brain was aware that he was being unreasonable, that Mrs. Smythe had more important things to focus on than keeping them updated. He knew that Sebastian would be okay. He had to be. But the emotional part of him was just anguishing, remembering everything that had gone down at the mall just a little more than an hour ago.
"The ambulance will be here soon... Okay? S-sebastian?" Kurt asked nervously as he put his phone back in his pocket. But Sebastian didn't say anything; he just stared at the floor, face buried in his blood soaked beanie.
"Oh god, there's so much blood… He needs ice. Can anyone get him some ice?" A guy Kurt hadn't even noticed suddenly asked. He was kneeling in front of Sebastian.
"We don't have ice, but would a glass of water help? Lydia, get him a glass of water!" One of the store clerks replied, approaching them and kneeling down as well. "God, he's bleeding so much… How are you feeling sweetie?"
Sebastian just shook his head slowly. "Fine… I'm fine." He mumbled before coughing and losing his balance a little. Kurt held his hand, helping support his weight so he could remain on his sitting position on the floor.
Sebastian's hand was cold… so cold.
Soon the paramedics rushed into the store, moving the people out of their way so they could pick Sebastian up and help him get on his feet. They had him sit on the stretcher, emphasizing how it wasn't safe for him to lay down with how much he was bleeding.
Kurt gave his keys to Blaine, and told him where he'd parked his car so he could take it. Kurt then rushed after the paramedics so he could go in the ambulance with them. As they ran to the parking lot, Kurt called Sebastian's mom to tell her about what happened... In the rush of the moment, Kurt wasn't able to say much. He just told her Sebastian had a nosebleed and they were taking him to the hospital.
Sebastian's face looked paler by the minute, and Kurt could feel his stomach twisting. This situation was worse than anything he'd ever witnessed in his life.
The trip to the hospital was short, but it seemed like an eternity to Kurt. He could do nothing but sit in the ambulance, staring at the scene unfolding in front of him. The paramedics cleaning Sebastian's face, wrapping him in a blanket and asking questions as they examined the source of the bleeding. Talking about how they needed to get to the hospital fast.
Sebastian was barely responsive by the time they made it to the hospital. But he still managed to look at Kurt through heavy lidded eyes and say: "C-call my mom…"
"I already did… She's on her way. She'll be here soon." Kurt told him as Sebastian was rushed to the Emergency Room.
Kurt had been told to stay in the waiting room, and it was absolute torture. He only managed to stay still for a couple of minutes before running to the bathroom and throwing up over the sink because he couldn't make it to one of the stalls in time.
The sound of Trent cracking his knuckles nervously snapped Kurt out of his thoughts, and he was sure he was going to go insane if he stayed there for another second. So Kurt got up from the chair and stormed out of the waiting room.
"Kurt, wait!" He heard Blaine call after him. When Kurt stopped and turned around Blaine was standing in front of him, frowning with his eyes full of concern. "Are you okay?"
"Y-yeah, I'm fine Blaine, I just…" Kurt breathed in and smiled, trying his best to sound convincing, "I need to wash my hands. I'll be right back."
Blaine just smiled tightly and nodded as Kurt walked away from him, quickly headed to the bathroom down the hall. Kurt knew Blaine meant well, but he needed to get away for a minute. Blaine felt extremely guilty about what happened at the mall, and no matter how many times Kurt had told him that what happened to Sebastian couldn't possibly be his fault, he still kept apologizing.
The whole thing had just been one big mess, and Kurt knew he had part of the blame because of his refusal to set things straight from the beginning. He hadn't told Sebastian about Blaine finding out they were spending time together; and he hadn't been completely honest with Blaine about the situation with Sebastian either. Kurt had been so worried about keeping Sebastian's secret that he never imagined how it would affect everyone else around him. He never imagined they could run into Blaine at the mall, or that there would be a confrontation. Now Sebastian's secret had been revealed in the worst possible way, and Kurt was left in the middle of it feeling like it had been his fault.
Everything was a mess, and Kurt desperately needed to wash his hands... Again. It didn't matter that he had already washed them two times before; because somehow the feeling of Sebastian's blood on his skin wouldn't leave him. He poured a generous amount of the scented foam soap on his palms and rubbed his hands relentlessly under the faucet, diligently avoiding the mirror in front of him. Kurt didn't want to see his reflection, cause whenever he did, all he could see was the blood staining his clothes. The small stains of blood on his shirt and the mark of Sebastian's hand on his sleeve made Kurt feel sick to his stomach all over again.
Kurt's mind was reeling, and he knew he'd be on edge until Mrs. Smythe gave them news about Sebastian's condition. He didn't want to go back to the waiting room, but he had to.
Once Kurt came out of the bathroom, he spotted Mrs. Smythe walking towards Blaine and Trent and he rushed to where they were.
"How's Sebastian?" Kurt asked, trying to be calm but his nerves must have been more than evident.
"Kurt…" Mrs. Smythe hugged him. "He is fine… The doctors say he is stable. They had to cauterize his nose to stop the bleeding, but he is okay now."
Kurt felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders and he sighed, trying to smile. Beside him, Trent and Blaine were listening attentively as Mrs. Smythe continued speaking.
"He is going to have to spend the night here. The doctors are running some tests to check his platelet counts, and he is going to need a transfusion, since he lost a lot of blood… But he'll be fine."
"I'm so glad to hear that… I was so worried." Kurt said, feeling relieved. He wanted to ask Mrs. Smythe if he could see Sebastian, but he didn't know if it was appropriate or not to ask. Mrs. Smythe must have sensed it, because she held his hand, squeezing it affectionately and said: "Thank you so much for helping him, Kurt. Depending on how the tests turn out, Sebastian could get discharged tomorrow. So maybe you can visit us at home then."
"Okay… okay, I will."
"If anything else comes up, we'll let you know." She reassured him, "You can call Sebastian later. I'll make sure he has his phone with him."
"Okay, thank you." Kurt replied.
"I have to go back inside now, but thank you so much for being here for Sebastian." Mrs. Smythe told the three of them, smiling fondly and hugging Kurt for a last time before turning around and going back inside.
Kurt just stood there for a while, watching Mrs. Smythe as she walked down the hall. When he turned to his side, Kurt realized Trent and Blaine were looking at him expectantly. Kurt sighed deeply, wondering what was going to happen now.
...
When Sebastian opened his eyes he realized his nose felt numb and weird, and it hurt a little when he tried to move his lips. His mom and dad were sitting next to him, and Sebastian looked to his bedside and realized he was getting a blood transfusion. Somehow he'd been hoping everything to be just a bad dream, but alas, it had been real. He was hospitalized again, and everything was a goddamn mess.
"Hey, how are you feeling?" His dad asked. But Sebastian just sighed, looking at the ceiling and feeling his eyes burn as they welled up with tears.
"Honey?" His mom asked, holding Sebastian's hand tightly and searching his face for answers.
Sebastian couldn't speak though. He could only feel a knot forming in his throat, every shuddering breath he tried to take hurt like a knife coming through his ribs. No matter how hard he tried to calm down, the tears just fell down his face and choked sobs started to escape him.
"Bastian, what's wrong?"
Sebastian balled his hands into fists and rubbed them harshly against his eyes. His hands were clenched so hard that he could feel the burning pain of his fingernails digging into his palms. Sebastian didn't say anything though, he just shook his head. He didn't' know what to say, or how to explain all the things that he was feeling. Anger, frustration, despair. He could only feel his heart beating fast inside his chest, dread pooling inside his stomach and his head spinning with a thousand different thoughts.
Sebastian hadn't even realized he was crying in earnest until he felt his mom take his hands away from his eyes and help him into a sitting position. She used the remote to move the hospital bed to a more vertical position and cradled Sebastian's face with her hands, looking deeply into his eyes.
"Honey what is it? Talk to us please." His mother pleaded, kissing his forehead tenderly, trying to soothe him, but the gesture only made Sebastian break down harder. He just shook his head and sobbed as his mother held him close. There was nothing to say, nothing his parents could do to help him. The thing he dreaded most had already happened. His secret was out now, Trent and Blaine knew he had cancer. Now it was just a matter of time until they both opened their mouths and babbled to everyone under the sun about it.
Sebastian felt frustrated, angry and helpless… he hated his body for betraying him like this. Hated his illness and the situation it put him in. So he cried, cause it was the only thing he could do. His mother handed him a tissue and Sebastian slowly wiped his eyes and nose. When he looked down at the tissue he realized it was stained pink, and his mom gasped when she saw it too.
"Bastian you're bleeding!"
"I'm calling the nurse." His dad said, reaching for the call button, but Sebastian stopped him.
"No! I'm f-fine dad… don't." Sebastian sniffled, hating himself inside for not being able to get a grip. He knew the crying would only make his recently cauterized nose worse. He was trying to ease down his breathing and to calm down, but was failing miserably.
"Are you sure, honey?" His mother asked, lifting his chin and looking at him, concerned. Sebastian nodded as he wiped away a few remaining tears from his cheek and looked down at his hands, which were slightly shaking. His mom was sitting in the bed beside him and his dad was standing on the other side, both silent and worried. They stayed there, expecting him to tell them what was wrong, but after a few minutes of silence Sebastian only said:
"Where's my phone? I need my phone."
...
The first thing that Kurt did when he got back home from the hospital was hug his dad tightly. Burt had been surprised by Kurt's sudden behavior, smiling and feeling a bit confused until he took a look at Kurt's appearance. Burt's smile fell off his face once he realized the white button down shirt his son was wearing was stained with blood.
Kurt sat down with his dad and just poured his heart out, telling him about everything that happened. Even though Sebastian was "fine" for now, Kurt still worried about him and his dad listened to him attentively as he let it all out. Burt was sympathetic and concerned for Sebastian as well.
Kurt was just glad that his dad had never had something like that happen to him, and he hoped he never did. As bad as it had gotten so far, his dad had only experienced pain coming as a side effect from the radiotherapy, nothing more. Cancer was so unpredictable though, and Kurt knew that today more than ever.
He went to his room and took a hot and long shower. The shirt Kurt was wearing was completely ruined, so he threw it away. He spent the rest of the evening just laying in bed and thinking about Sebastian. Kurt had his phone in his hand, holding it close to him in case anything happened. His hand itched to call Sebastian and ask him how he was, but he wasn't sure if Sebastian would be feeling well enough to talk. So he decided to text him instead.
To Sebastian Smythe:
Hey, how are you feeling? Your mom said you'd be staying for the night :(
I hope they let you go soon, I know how much you hate being in the hospital.
Sebastian taking a long time before replying to a text message was nothing new for Kurt, but somehow this time, every minute that passed without a reply only made Kurt feel antsy. When minutes became hours, Kurt started to feel a bit uneasy, but kept telling himself that Sebastian must have been tired and sleeping and maybe that was the reason why he hadn't replied yet.
Kurt figured Sebastian needed time and space to recover from everything that happened, so he went downstairs and watched a movie with his dad and Finn to help take his mind off of everything. The distraction worked for a while, but every now and then Kurt would still check his phone for new text messages, only to realize he didn't have any.
Later that night, when Kurt was about to go to bed, he couldn't help but wonder how Sebastian was doing. He still hadn't gotten a reply, but it was late and Kurt knew it had been a crazy day, so he decided to sleep and worry about Sebastian tomorrow. Kurt could call him in the morning and see how he was. Still, he sent one more text before getting into bed.
To Sebastian Smythe:
I hope you're feeling better. Good night.
The next morning, Kurt got up early because he had to go to the hospital with his dad. He was still feeling a little tired, so he decided to go make himself a cup of coffee and wait in the kitchen while he waited for his dad to come down. Kurt appreciated moments like this when he could be alone with his thoughts, especially at times like these when he had a lot of things going on. His dad was about to start his last week of treatment before the surgery, and he was going to have to go through blood tests and scans to determine how effective the radiotherapy had been so far.
Kurt sat in the table holding his hot cup of coffee in one hand and his phone in the other one. He decided to log into Facebook and see if there was anything new. Once he logged in, he checked his messages and that's when he realized something was wrong.
All his conversations with Sebastian were blank. His messages were still there but Sebastian's name and picture were gone. He did a quick search for Sebastian's profile and nothing came up. It only took a few minutes of clicking around and checking mutual friend's pages for Kurt to realize why that was: Sebastian had deleted his profile.
Kurt glanced at his nightstand clock and realized it was barely 6am, and perhaps still too early to call Sebastian, but he grabbed his phone and dialed his number anyway. Kurt knew even before he pressed the send button that Sebastian's phone would be turned off. But he had a tiny glimpse of hope that it wouldn't be the case.
"Hey, you've reached Sebastian Smythe. I'm obviously unavailable, so call again later, or leave a message after the beep."
When the "beep" came at the end of Sebastian's voicemail greeting, Kurt was still trying to process what was happening. His mind went blank and he didn't know what to say, so he just hung up. Kurt put down his phone and sighed, biting his lip.
Was Sebastian shutting him out?
...
Sebastian didn't get discharged on Sunday like the doctor's had originally said he would. After the blood transfusion, they said they needed to keep him one more day to be able to monitor his counts closely before releasing him.
Sebastian was scheduled for his next round of chemo on Monday, but that was not going to be possible after what happened. His platelet counts needed to recover before they could put his body through the strain of chemotherapy again.
The doctors were keeping track of his anxiety too, since Sebastian had been really stressed and he refused to tell anyone what he was feeling. Sebastian would just close in on himself and refuse to answer questions, insisting he was fine. But his restlessness, crying and shaking hands were a source of concern for the doctors.
Things had gotten so bad that Sebastian was given some Ativan to help calm him down. And while the medicine had helped, it also meant he felt drowsy and slept through most of the day. Even with the anxiety medication, Sebastian still held his phone in his hands or under the pillow, just to make sure his mom didn't turn it on.
Sebastian felt constantly on edge, replaying what happened at the mall in his head over and over again. Trent and Blaine showing up, the confrontation, then all the blood coming out of his nose and Kurt opening his big mouth about his cancer. Everyone knew he had leukemia now, and it was all Kurt's fault. Sebastian felt like the biggest idiot on earth, cursing himself for ever agreeing to go out with Kurt to the mall in the first place. He should have known someone could see him.
When he got to thinking about it, he knew it wasn't all Kurt's fault. Sebastian shared some of the blame too. He should have never allowed Kurt to visit him in the hospital. He should have never let Kurt get close to him. It was a recipe for disaster and Sebastian should have known it would end badly.
Now everyone knew about his cancer and Sebastian wanted nothing more than to disappear and forget about everything.
Sebastian had all but threatened his mom to not talk to anyone about his situation, not even Kurt. His mom was so worried about him that she had agreed to it, not because she thought it was a good idea, but just so Sebastian would stop stressing over it.
Sunday went by in a blur. Sebastian slept a lot, barely talked and forced himself to eat while trying to not think about what he was going to do when he got out of the hospital. He could see the concern and worry in his mom's face but was grateful that for once, she was just silently supportive and understanding instead of trying to make him talk to the therapist again.
Sebastian ended up being discharged until Monday morning. When he got home, he immediately went upstairs and locked himself in his room. He had no energy, physical or emotional, to do anything so he just dropped on the bed and slept until a knock on his door woke him up. By that time it was 2pm and his mom was bringing him lunch.
"Hey sweetie… how are you feeling?" His mom said, sitting beside him and putting a wooden tray with the food and utensils over the bedside table.
"I'm fine, I guess." Sebastian yawned, sitting up slowly and trying to smile.
"I brought you lunch, we made the pasta with mushrooms that you like so much, and also a small salad. Are you hungry?"
"Hmmm… Not much, but the food smells great… Thanks mom."
Sebastian reached out and grabbed the tray. The food did smell amazing. He started to play around with his fork, hoping that his appetite would kick in so he could enjoy it. From the corner of his eye he could see his mom just staring silently at him, like she wanted to say something but didn't know how.
Sebastian started eating, but his mom just sitting there was starting to unnerve him.
"Is something wrong?"
"No… nothing honey."
Sebastian didn't believe that for one second. He continued to eat and could tell his mom had something on her mind. She kept looking at him and then decidedly at the wall, playing with the hem of her blouse and crossing her fingers over and over.
"Mom… What is it?" Sebastian finally asked, already dreading the answer when he saw his mom sigh and bite her lip.
"Kurt called…" She said, and Sebastian almost choked on his food. "A couple of hours ago, but you were sleeping. He asked me how you were and if you'd been discharged, and I just-"
"Oh my god, I can't believe this." Sebastian said, anger settling in his stomach and appetite completely gone. "Mom, I told you not to talk-"
"Bastian, don't do this!" She cut him off before he could finish his sentence. "Kurt is worried about you. He just wants to know how you are doing, but your phone is turned off. That's why he called me. Honey… he is your friend!"
Sebastian just sighed, rubbing his face with his hands and pushing away the tray with his food half-finished.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm not hungry anymore."
"Sebastian…"
"Mom, can you just go… please? I'm tired and I want to sleep."
"Honey…" his mom tried, putting her hand over his leg but Sebastian just got off from the bed and walked towards his bathroom, slamming the door behind him.
Sebastian stayed inside the bathroom for a long while, leaning against the door, breathing harshly and desperately trying not to cry until he heard his mom close his bedroom door as she left. Once she was gone, Sebastian rushed back into his room and searched his bedside drawer frantically until he found his phone.
Sebastian grabbed the phone and quickly turned it on. Sebastian looked at the screen and realized he had two new voicemail messages, and six new text messages. He felt his stomach turning with dread as he opened his inbox and realized 3 texts were from Kurt, 1 from his sister, 1 from Trent and 1 from... Blaine?
What the fuck?
Blaine had been ready to punch Sebastian in the face before he found out something was wrong with him. Now all of the sudden Blaine cared about him? Fuck that. Fuck everything. Sebastian wanted nothing to do with Blaine, or with any of them. He didn't need anyone's pity.
Sebastian was so angry that he wanted to scream, but instead of doing that, he composed a new text message.
To Kurt Hummel:
Stop calling my mom... I'm fine.
LEAVE ME ALONE.
Sebastian's hands were shaking by the time he finished typing it, and he hesitated for half a second before pressing the send button, but he did. Once the message had been sent, Sebastian immediately felt sick to his stomach. His breathing was getting out of control again and he felt his eyes welling up with tears as a wave of unforgiving self-hatred washed over him.
What the fuck was he doing? What was going to happen now?
Suddenly, his phone started buzzing. When Sebastian looked at the screen he felt like he wanted to die. It was an incoming call from Trent. Something snapped inside Sebastian in that moment, and he threw his phone away with all his strength, slamming it against the wall and crushing it to pieces.
When his mom and dad rushed into Sebastian's bedroom to see what was going on, they found him curled into a ball on the floor beside his bed, panting and with his face buried in his hands. Sebastian wasn't crying this time, but he felt like he was drowning all the same.
...
When Tuesday came along, Kurt drove down to Cleveland again with his dad. They always left very early to be able to make it on time for his dad's 9am appointment, and more often that not, Burt dozed off in the car while Kurt was driving.
Kurt's head was a mess of thoughts and conflicting emotions, and as much as he tried to focus on the road, his mind always gravitated back to Sebastian. Kurt couldn't help but think about him. He wondered how Sebastian was doing, and how he was holding up. Mrs. Smythe told him that Sebastian was scheduled for his next round of chemotherapy this week, but that they weren't sure if he would be eligible for it until they ran some tests to check his platelet counts again. Mrs. Smythe also mentioned how she was worried about Sebastian because he'd been struggling with anxiety and stress. Kurt wished more than anything that he could talk to Sebastian and tell him that things would be alright, but Sebastian wanted nothing to do with him.
Kurt had been so happy at first when he saw he had a new text message from Sebastian, but when he read it, every word felt like a slap to the face. Kurt had been so hurt when he got Sebastian's text, telling him to leave him alone, but after a while of sulking and feeling regret over all the things that he could have done differently, Kurt was left feeling angry and disappointed. The fact that Sebastian was pushing everyone away from him just made Kurt feel upset and helpless.
He couldn't believe Sebastian was being so stubborn. And the thing was, Kurt was stubborn too, but he knew better than to push this situation when Sebastian was in a lot of stress as it was. It was unhealthy for Sebastian to isolate himself from people who cared about him, but Kurt couldn't do anything about it at the moment.
Unfortunately for Kurt, he still thought about Sebastian a lot. He worried about Sebastian, because the truth was that he cared about him, and even if he didn't want to admit it, Kurt even missed Sebastian.
Kurt had gotten used to spending time with Sebastian while he waited for his dad to get his treatments. Now there he was, sitting alone in the waiting room, bored and feeling antsy, wondering if Sebastian was somewhere in the hospital as well. He couldn't know, since Mrs. Smythe didn't tell him, and after Sebastian's angry text, Kurt had not called his mom again.
With almost an entire hour to spare, Kurt was just fooling around with his phone and checking his Facebook even though there was nothing interesting for him there. Suddenly, Kurt remembered a certain friend request he'd previously ignored. He went to check his pending friend requests and found it: Alex Hershel.
Kurt sighed, feeling slightly uncomfortable as he realized that this was another thing he'd kept from Sebastian. At first Kurt just hadn't been sure how to bring up the subject without upsetting Sebastian when he'd just gotten out of the hospital; and then with everything else that had been going on with his dad, Kurt had completely forgotten about it.
In all honesty, Kurt just had better things to worry about than random Facebook friend requests, like caring for his sick father while he was suffering from painful side effects from the radiation therapy he was receiving. But in that moment, as he sat there in the waiting room, bored out of his mind and with a lot of time to spare, Kurt decided he would just do it. He stared at Alex's name and picture on the screen for a couple of seconds before finally clicking the "confirm" button.
Kurt wondered if doing this was a mistake, but he was just so bored and frustrated with Sebastian that he didn't care anymore. Besides, Sebastian wasn't even on Facebook to notice that he was friends with his cousin now.
So Kurt accepted the friend request and then proceeded to lurk around Alex's profile for a while, checking out his profile pictures and albums. Kurt felt a little bit like a stalker, but he figured that Alex would probably do the same thing once he realized Kurt had finally accepted his friend request. Kurt was browsing through Alex's profile pictures, looking at them curiously and trying to figure out what Alex's life was about.
He seemed like a regular guy. He was still in high school, a jock most likely, if all the pictures of basketball games were anything to go by. Alex seemed like a regular guy, except he also had a lot of pictures from church camps and all his favorite quotations were bible verses. Kurt couldn't help but roll his eyes as he read them, even though there wasn't anything blatantly anti-gay in his page.
After a while of snooping around Kurt got bored, so he decided to log off, but just when he was about to do it, he got a new message notification.
Alex: Hi… thanks for adding me.
Oh damn. Sebastian's cousin was online and messaging him. Kurt stared at the single lined message for a few minutes before deciding to reply.
Kurt: Hi.
Alex: How are you?
Kurt: I'm good… You?
Alex: Same… all good... What are you doing?
Kurt didn't know what he expected from this conversation, but this was definitely not it. Alex was just talking to him like they knew each other. So Kurt decided to just go with it and talk to him. Kurt told him he was waiting for his dad to come out from his radiation treatment... Alex gave Kurt his sympathies once Kurt explained it was because his dad had prostrate cancer. Alex told Kurt about how his dad passed away five years ago from a heart attack and Kurt was able to relate, since his mom passed away when he was eight.
They managed to have a fairly pleasant conversation until the inevitable subject came up.
Alex: Can I ask you something?
Kurt: Sure.
Alex: How is Sebastian doing?
Kurt bit his lip and hesitated for a while before responding. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to say. What would Sebastian be comfortable with Kurt saying to his estranged cousin? Knowing Sebastian, Kurt knew he probably wouldn't be too happy about it; and considering Sebastian wasn't even talking to him at the moment, Kurt knew if he found out he'd probably yell at him or something. But since Kurt had already accepted Alex's friend request, he figured he could at least give the guy the benefit of the doubt.
Kurt: Sebastian is not doing so well. But I guess you knew that much.
Alex: Yeah :(
Kurt: Have you spoken to him?
Alex: No... Not really.
Kurt: Not really, or not at all?
Alex didn't say anything for a couple of minutes, and for a moment Kurt thought he'd dropped the conversation altogether. But then he started typing again.
Alex: He told you huh?
Kurt: Told me what?
Alex: That we don't speak.
Kurt: Kind of.
Alex: Did he say why?
That was a trick question, and Kurt knew he had the opportunity to make it into a turning point. He wasn't about to just tell this guy everything Sebastian had told him in confidence. Kurt was going to make him think about his own part in the situation.
Kurt: Can I ask you something first?
Alex: Sure...
Kurt: Why do you think you don't speak?
Alex: Um… what do you mean?
Kurt: Why haven't YOU spoken to Sebastian? I know why he doesn't speak to you. I want to know why you haven't... before I tell you.
Alex was silent for whole three minutes, and Kurt was almost certain this time he would actually stop replying, but then he replied again.
Alex: I don't know… it's just complicated I guess.
That was a lie, this guy had to know. Kurt wasn't about to indulge his denial so he decided to just be up front about it.
Kurt: Is it because he's gay?
Alex: No! Of course not...
Kurt: Then it shouldn't be complicated, Alex. Not really.
Alex: I wish it was that simple.
Kurt almost felt bad for Alex, but he wasn't there to feel bad for him. Kurt could remember the hurt and betrayal in Sebastian's eyes when he'd told him about his aunt and how she started behaving once Sebastian came out. This guy was their age, he was old enough to make his own choices. If Alex really cared about his cousin he had to stop talking to Kurt and talk to Sebastian instead.
Kurt: Tell me something Alex, and be honest. Do you care about Sebastian?
Alex: Yes, of course I do.
Kurt: Do you want to be in his life again?
Alex: Yes… I do, but...
Kurt: Then think about the reasons why you stopped talking. He told me you guys used to be very close. Why did that change? What could possibly be so important that you lose relationship with your cousin like that? What is stopping you?
Kurt didn't expect Alex to admit to being homophobic or anything, but he wondered how he was going to reply to his question, since it was extremely direct.
Alex: It's stupid.
Stupid? Kurt didn't expect Alex to use that word. If he really was distancing himself because of his beliefs, surely he wouldn't call them stupid, would he? Not if he was as Christian as he appeared to be.
Kurt: What is stupid?
Alex: Me...I was stupid.
Kurt: Why? What did you do?
Alex: I shouldn't have let it happen, but then we just grew apart and now I think Sebastian hates me.
I think he hates your mom, Kurt thought to himself, but he wasn't about to type that out.
Kurt: Talk to him, Alex.
Alex: I can't. I think he blocked me...
Kurt: No, he didn't block you. He deleted his profile.
Alex: Why?
Kurt: Talk to him and find out.
Alex: But he doesn't want to see me.
Kurt sighed; he knew that feeling all too well. Sebastian didn't want to see him either. But he wasn't going to admit that to Alex. If Sebastian wanted to push Kurt away, he could deal with that, as much as it hurt. But Alex was Sebastian's family, and he shouldn't give up on Sebastian without a fight.
Kurt: Did he tell you he doesn't want to see you?
Alex: Well, no... but my uncle told my mom that Sebastian was really upset when she visited him in the hospital.
Kurt: But you still visited him again after that.
Alex: Yeah, my mom insisted... I didn't really want to go.
Kurt: Why's that?
Alex: Honestly? I did want to see Sebastian but I didn't want to go because my mom wanted to go pray for him. The only reason we didn't do it was because you were there.
Huh? That was interesting. Kurt was glad in a way because he didn't know how he would have reacted if they wanted to pray for Sebastian while he was in the room. It would have been super awkward, not to mention if Sebastian would've woken up mid-prayer, he would have lost his mind right then and there.
Kurt: So you don't want to pray for him… you just want to see him?
Alex: Yes. I mean, I do pray for him… but I do it in my own time. I know Sebastian doesn't like praying and all… So he wouldn't like it if I tried to do it.
That seemed like a reasonable way of thinking to Kurt. So he decided to encourage Alex to visit Sebastian. Maybe it was a bad idea, but maybe something good could come out of it.
Kurt: I think you should try visiting him at home… by yourself.
Alex: Did he say something about my mom?
Kurt: Alex, just do it.
Alex: Okay.
Kurt: Don't tell him you talked to me though.
Alex: Why not?
Kurt: Trust me, just don't.
Kurt figured if Alex made up his mind and really visited Sebastian it could go two ways. Either they would be able to make amends and talk again, or Sebastian would be pissed off and cut him out like he did with everyone else. Kurt didn't want to be in the middle of it either way, he was already interfering too much just by talking to Alex like this.
Kurt breathed in and looked up at the clock hanging from the wall in the waiting room. His dad would be done soon, and he would finally be able to go home. There was barely any battery left on his phone, so he decided to say goodbye to Alex and log out from Facebook. Soon enough his dad came out and Kurt got up to help him get to the car so they could go back home.
...
It was almost ten thirty when Sebastian and his mom arrived at the hospital. Sebastian had slept through most the drive but then woke up a few minutes before they got there when his mom's phone rang with an incoming call from someone she was supposed to meet up with later. His mom was still on the phone when she parked the car, and Sebastian was about to unfasten his seatbelt when he looked up and froze.
Walking right in front of their car was Kurt, holding his father's hand as they walked to their car. Sebastian went completely rigid, fearing the slightest movement would make Kurt notice him. Luckily for him, Kurt was too concentrated helping his dad get in the car to realize Sebastian and his mom were parked practically in front of them.
Sebastian's stomach felt heavy all of the sudden, a mix of nerves and dread shaking him all over to the point where his hands started trembling. He breathed in and sat back, gripping the seatbelt tightly until his knuckles were white. Sebastian was thankful that his mom was still distracted on the phone and hadn't noticed the Hummels were just a few feet away from them.
The expression on Kurt's face as he walked with his father was caring but at the same time tainted with worry. That look was all too familiar for Sebastian, cause it had been almost the same look Kurt had on his face the last time they'd been together, when Sebastian was rushed to the hospital in the ambulance. As much as Sebastian tried to ignore it, he felt remorse about the text message he'd sent Kurt, but it was done and there was nothing he could do about it now. He'd made his choice.
His mom was looking for something inside her purse while she talked on the phone, and Sebastian couldn't do anything else but sit there and watch as Kurt got into his car. Sebastian's eyes were glued to Kurt watching his every move, and his nerves on edge hoping Kurt wouldn't look his way, but then it happened. Sebastian felt a sting of electricity run from the top of his head and down his spine as Kurt put his hands over the steering wheel and looked up, staring straight into his eyes.
Sebastian's breath hitched, and Kurt's bright blue eyes went wide as he recognized Sebastian from inside his car. Sebastian did his best to keep his face straight and emotionless as Kurt pressed his lips into a tight, sad smile. Every fiber of his being was screaming, but Sebastian didn't smile back, he just clenched his jaw and huffed, turning his face to the side and looking away, appearing bitter, indifferent and cold in the outside when he was just screaming inside.
From the corner of his eye, Sebastian saw Kurt's car slowly pull out of the parking spot and drive away. Sebastian didn't dare to look Kurt's way; he just breathed in as he felt a wave of nausea threatening to overcome him. Sebastian thought he'd feel relieved when Kurt drove away, but the relief never came. Instead, he felt overwhelmed by regret, longing and self-loathing.
"Are you okay honey?" His mom asked, putting her hand over Sebastian's. "Your hands are shaking."
"Um… no, I'm just… It's nothing. I'm fine. Let's go."
Sebastian could tell his mom was worried about him, with the way she kept looking at him as they got out of the car and walked over to the oncology ward. Sebastian had never been this way before, but ever since what happened at the mall, he'd been constantly on edge and had two panic attacks. It was the most awful thing Sebastian ever experienced, even worse than the stupid nosebleed. He felt like he was unattached from reality, drowning in his own misery and completely unable to control his body.
Sebastian had to get some tests done in order to find out if he would be able to do the next round of chemo or not. Blood was drawn and they were told to wait. About fifteen minutes later, it was decided that aside from the anxiety issues, Sebastian was fit to receive the chemotherapy.
Sebastian begged his mom not to have him hospitalized this time, but the doctor said they would have to wait and see. He sat in the recliner chair in the chemotherapy room as the nurse hooked up to the IV line to his chest port and tried to tune out what was happening around him. Usually, Sebastian hated the Benadryl, but today he was glad they were giving it to him because he wanted nothing more than to disconnect himself from reality.
Sebastian closed his eyes and tried as much as he could to relax, but he couldn't help but remember how different things were the last time he'd had chemo. He'd been in a private room with Kurt by his side… but he'd also been hospitalized for several days, and this time would be different, it would be better. As he dozed off, Sebastian kept wishing for this time to be better. Soon, the drugs kicked in and Sebastian fell asleep.
...
"Is he your boyfriend?" A girl's voice shook Sebastian out of his haze.
"W-hat? Who?" Sebastian rubbed his eyes harshly. He felt a little groggy and jittery, probably because of the Benadryl. When he turned to his side, he noticed the girl sitting a few feet away in another recliner chair. She had dark brown hair that fell on her shoulders and bright blue eyes. She was smiling and looking at him expectantly.
"Kurt, is he your boyfriend?" She asked again.
"K-kurt?"
"Yes… You were just telling me about him."
Sebastian felt heat spreading up his neck and across his face.
"No I wasn't."
"Yes you were." The girl gave him a knowing look and rolled her eyes. "You kept saying all sorts of amazing things about him, so I figured he must be your boyfriend."
Sebastian just frowned. In the midst of his drug-induced state, he hadn't realized he'd been talking, and about Kurt no less. He didn't even know what to say to the girl, he just frowned and looked at his feet, shaking his head embarrassedly.
"You kept saying his name, and when I asked you who he was you started telling me about how he was coming over. Kurt is great... Kurt is bringing me cake, Kurt gave me this, Kurt said that… Kurt, Kurt, Kurt!"
"Okay, can you cut it out?"
The girl raised her eyebrows and huffed. "Okaaay… No need to be rude! You're the one who kept blabbering about him, I was just trying to be nice."
The girl looked upset, and Sebastian felt a little bit bad about snapping at her, he was just so tired.
"I'm sorry. But, he's not my boyfriend."
Sebastian remained thoughtful, trying to remember what he could have possibly been babbling about. He didn't realize he'd been talking out loud, but he had been thinking about Kurt ever since he saw him in the parking lot.
"I remember you, from the support group." The girl said, leaning over slightly so she could take a better look at Sebastian. "I knew you looked familiar. I don't quite remember your name, but I do remember you said you were there with your boyfriend. Is he Kurt?"
Sebastian wanted to kick himself in that moment. Why had he ever thought it was a good idea to say Kurt was his boyfriend at the cancer youth meeting? It was stupid, and he couldn't tell the truth without looking absolutely pathetic, so he decided to roll with it by being as vague as possible.
"Yeah, but… I mean we're not, ugh... Just forget it."
"You weren't saying anything personal, if that's what you're worried about." She said teasingly, and Sebastian turned to look at her, confused. "You were just telling me random things about him… From what you said I can see he is pretty great."
"I'm Erin, by the way." She said, stretching out her arm to shake his hand. Sebastian couldn't help but smile awkwardly.
"I'm Sebastian."
They stayed in silence for a couple of minutes. There wasn't anything else going on in the room, except for the TV that had the volume muted. Other 2 people were getting chemo in the other side of the room, but one was sleeping and the other one was reading a book. Sebastian kept looking at his IV and realized he would probably have to be there for at least another hour.
"So, did you guys break up or something?"
Sebastian rolled his eyes and groaned, pulling his beanie over his eyes.
"What? I'm just trying to have a conversation… I've been sitting here for hours and it's boring as hell."
Sebastian stared at Erin and realized she was serious about the conversation, much to his chagrin.
"I'm a good listener" She insisted.
Erin didn't know him, he didn't know her; they were strangers and would probably never see each other again after that day. So Sebastian just sighed and gave up, figuring he really had nothing to lose by talking to her.
"Yes… we kinda broke up, I guess."
"Aw, I'm sorry... That sucks."
Sebastian just nodded silently, figuring that would be the end of that conversation, but alas, it wasn't.
"What happened?"
"I uh… It's complicated, but I'd rather not talk about it."
"Hmm… He broke up with you, didn't he?"
"What… Why would you think that?"
"Well… I don't know, maybe just because of the way you were talking about him, it sounds like you still love him."
Sebastian felt a sting of regret twisting uncomfortably inside him when she said that. A small voice in the back of his head kept telling him that he did care about Kurt, but he was trying his best to ignore those feelings, to bury them in the back of his mind so he could keep Kurt away... and to keep everyone else away as well.
"Is that a wig you're wearing?" Sebastian blurted out, desperately trying to change the subject.
Erin looked at him and rose and eyebrow, but smiled all the same. "No, it's my natural hair… you like it?"
Natural hair? Sebastian was confused. "How long have you been doing chemo?"
"Three months."
Erin was smiling proudly, and Sebastian gave her a skeptical look. "Three months, and you still have your hair?"
"Yeah… I'm immune to the side effects of chemo." She said with a wink and a smile, and Sebastian just rolled his eyes, but smiled nonetheless.
"I'm kidding."
"So it is a wig?"
"Hmm…" She shrugged, lacing her fingers through one of her locks "Yes, and no."
"What does that even mean?"
"It means it's a wig, but it's made with my hair. So I don't consider it a wig, even though it kind of is… You know?"
"How did you even do that?"
"It's simple… When the doctor told me I'd lose my hair because of the chemo, I shaved it all off and made it into a wig, that way I could still have my hair."
Sebastian was shell-shocked. He'd been so apprehensive of his hair and this girl just completely shaved it all before it even began to fall off. She was clever, and Sebastian wished he could have done something like that. Though he seriously doubted a wig would look half as good on him as it did on her.
"You wanna try it on?" She asked; reaching to her head like she was going to take the wig off. Sebastian made a horrified face, but Erin started laughing before he could even say anything to her. "I'm kidding! I'm kidding!"
Erin was laughing out loud and her vibrant mood was so contagious that Sebastian couldn't help but laugh too. It was ridiculous, but Sebastian hadn't smiled in days, and just sitting there with that girl cracking jokes was a much-needed break for him.
As the time passed, Sebastian and Erin started talking about random things, like their hobbies, their favorite TV shows and even about sports. Erin loved animals and told Sebastian all sorts of stories about her pets. She had 2 cats and a dog and lots of anecdotes to tell. Sebastian shared a few stories from when his cat, Lily, was a kitten and he had to train her to use the litter box.
As reluctant as Sebastian had been at the beginning, he ended up being glad he had someone to talk to cause it helped time pass by quicker. His mom had gone to run some errands while Sebastian got his treatment, but he knew she'd be back soon.
Erin must have been there before Sebastian because she was done with her chemo when he still had some time to go. Right after the nurse came to hook her off her IV, she stood up and turned to look at Sebastian.
"Gotta go now… hope you're done soon."
"Thanks. I hope so too."
"It was really nice talking to you."
"Yeah… same."
Erin smiled and started walking away but suddenly turned back around and said: "Oh and… Good luck with Kurt!"
Sebastian just rolled his eyes and smiled, shaking his head.
"I'm serious! Whatever happened between you guys, I hope you can figure it out. Remember life's too short to stay mad about things that don't matter!"
Sebastian just frowned and smiled tightly, and Erin winked at him before turning around and leaving the room. Sebastian hadn't even told her what had happened between him and Kurt, yet her words resonated in his mind for a long time after she was gone.
As much as he refused to admit it, Sebastian knew she had a point, but keeping people at bay was what he had always done. Sebastian was fine a few months ago when he was on his own. He didn't need Kurt, or anyone… at least that's what he kept telling himself. No matter how much Sebastian wished that he could have done things differently with regards to Kurt and everything else, he felt like the mess was much too big and scary, and he was just too tired to try to change it now.
Author's note: Someone asked a few days ago when I was going to update and I couldn't reply cause they were anon. I try to write as fast as I can but you must know that I also have another story going on at the moment ("Lying from You" – it's Coopbastian), and I try to take turns updating both of them so that's why sometimes it takes a while. Remember you can always message me here, or in my tumblr, I'm 'totoropirate' there.
Thanks so much for leaving lovely comments, they are very encouraging! :)