Author's note: Hey guys! So here's why this chapter took a while: I am doing this new thing where I don't post a chapter until the next one is done. So I wanted to post this until I had chapter 14 finished... this way I could always have a chance to add or change things as I write the next one! Thanks to everyone who messaged me asking for an update, I appreciate your enthusiasm and patience. I love you all. Hope you enjoy this chapter... *hides away in a corner*
"Everything okay?"
"Um… yeah..." Kurt said, his eyes drifting from Sebastian and staring decidedly at his hands instead. He grabbed the steering wheel firmly and breathed in, trying to ignore the sting of rejection burning deep inside his chest and smiling half-heartedly at his dad.
"I just can't wait to get home."
"Well, that makes two of us kiddo. Let's go!"
Kurt started the car and spared one last glance at Sebastian before pulling out of the parking spot. He could see Mrs. Smythe talking on the phone, smiling distracted and unaware of the tense moment her son and Kurt just shared. Sebastian was looking out the window; his posture indifferent and cold. Kurt could feel the hostility oozing out of him even though they were several feet away from each other in their respective cars.
Kurt was upset, and for a moment, he almost wished he'd run into Sebastian inside the hospital instead, because maybe then Kurt could have at least said something; but alas, Sebastian didn't even want to look at him.
The worst part was that Kurt couldn't even understand why. Kurt sighed, shaking his head in frustration before driving away. The ache in his heart was an all too familiar feeling; it was the feeling that came from caring too much about someone who just didn't.
...
After Sebastian was done with chemo, he was evaluated and his doctor allowed him to able to go back home with his mom. Sebastian was glad that he didn't have to stay in the hospital, even though he felt drowsy, jittery, and had no energy to even leave the bed once he got home. Sebastian just lied in bed and slept for 7 hours straight. He alternated between consciousness and sleep, with his mom checking on him every now and then and with Lily curled up by his side, purring.
Whenever his mom got him food, Sebastian ate a little even though he wasn't really hungry. He had to force himself to eat even if he was nauseous because the doctors let him go home with the condition that his parents would keep a close eye on him. Sebastian didn't want to be hospitalized again. He felt safe in his house, because he was certain no one would bother him there. Even if someone wanted to surprise visit him, Sebastian had given the house staff strict instructions to not let anyone in. Right now, fresh out from chemo and feeling like absolute shit, Sebastian just wanted to be alone.
The second day was a little better. Sebastian had more appetite and he got out of bed to have lunch downstairs with his mom. He stayed in the living room afterwards, watching movies for a little while before falling asleep again. He woke up when his dad came back from work and he sat down with him to talk for a while before dinner.
"How was your day?" His dad asked.
Sebastian just shrugged, "Fine I guess... A little better than yesterday, at least."
"Did you have lunch?"
"Yeah… I did. I haven't been very nauseous today, luckily."
"I'm glad to hear that... How have you been feeling? Everything alright?" His dad didn't even have to say it specifically, Sebastian knew he was talking about his anxiety. Sebastian still felt a little stressed at times, but it wasn't as bad as it had been a few days ago.
"Good... I'm okay dad, promise."
"That's great son, I'm glad the medicine is helping."
Sebastian just nodded and they both sat in silence for a couple of minutes until his dad spoke again.
"I've been thinking we could go to the lake house next week… how does that sound?"
"The lake house? With whom?"
"Just your mom, you and I… unless you want to invite someone else to come with us too. I leave it up to you."
Sebastian looked down at his hands and smiled sadly. He loved going to Lake Erie, and they hadn't been up there in a long time. The prospect of going to their family's lake house was appealing but at the same time Sebastian couldn't help but feel nostalgic. His dad was obviously trying to cheer him up with the trip to the lake house, but all it did was remind Sebastian of how alone he truly was.
Last time they'd gone to the lake house was eight months ago, for Sebastian's 17th birthday. He'd invited most of the Warblers and some of the guys from the lacrosse team and threw a big party. Now he hadn't spoken to anyone from Dalton in almost three months, so he really had no one to invite.
The only person Sebastian had been spending time with lately was Kurt, but not anymore. Sebastian's current situation with Kurt was worse than with his former Dalton friends, because the Warblers had no idea what happened to him, he was just ignoring them... but with Kurt, Sebastian had been quite clear and rude about how he wanted him to stay away. If Kurt was as smart as Sebastian knew he was, he wouldn't want anything to do with him anymore, and it was probably better that way.
For a minute, Sebastian's thoughts gravitated back to Kurt... and he couldn't help but wonder about him. Sebastian wondered how mad at him Kurt was now... if he'd been hurt by what he'd told him or if maybe Kurt had just gone back to hating him now. They were starting to get to know each other quite well, but there were lots of things Sebastian still didn't know, like whether Kurt was an outdoors kind of person or not; if he liked to swim, or hike. Sebastian didn't know if something like going to his family's lake house would appeal to Kurt at all... Not that it mattered anyway.
Sebastian couldn't help but feel a bitter pang of regret and longing as he thought of Kurt, but he quickly shoved it to the back of his mind, desperately trying to ignore it.
"By the way, I got your new phone." His dad said, pulling Sebastian out of his thoughts. He reached down for his briefcase and pulled out the small iPhone box. "It's already programmed with your number, you just have to sync up your contacts again."
"Um... Thanks, dad." Sebastian was a little embarrassed for breaking his phone in a fit of rage. His parents shouldn't be getting him a new one, he didn't deserve it, and he didn't really want it.
Sebastian only turned it on and tweaked it a bit so his dad would feel better.
"Please keep it turned on." His father pleaded, reaching out and squeezing Sebastian's shoulder affectionately. "Catherine has been asking about you, we told her that you'd have a new phone by tonight. She wants to call you."
Sebastian breathed in, "Okay dad, I will."
Every minute his phone spent turned on had Sebastian on edge. He went through dinner fearing it would ring or that he would get more text messages, but nothing happened. Sebastian went back to his room and just before going to bed, his phone started ringing. Sebastian's heart almost stopped until he realized it was his sister.
"Hey baby brother, how are you?"
Sebastian smiled upon hearing his sister's voice, she was only two years older than him, but the fact that she called him baby brother still made him feel special and loved.
"Hey Cath… I'm good. Was just about to go to bed, actually."
"I'm glad to see you have your phone again, I've been trying to call you for days."
"Yeah, sorry about that."
"Mom told me about what happened… are you okay?"
Sebastian sighed. "Yeah... I'm okay... I'll be okay."
The moment had the potential to turn into something awkward, but then Catherine started talking again, "I wish you were living here with me now… You're gonna love it here in New York, Bastian. There are all sorts of amazing things we can do together. I swear you're gonna love it when you come here."
Sebastian smiled, thankful that his sister was not lecturing him. Sebastian loved her for that, because she'd only ask him about how he was doing without asking specifics, and that made their conversations easier. Sebastian would rather listen to his sister's exciting tales about her life in New York than have to awkwardly admit how his life had been reduced to hospital visits, anxiety attacks and self-imposed isolation.
Catherine always spoke with the certainty that Sebastian would join her in the big city in the fall, even though it was highly unlikely that Sebastian would, since he was most likely going to fail his senior year. Catherine didn't care though, she kept the conversation normal and asked Sebastian about other things that had nothing to do with his illness.
She promised Sebastian she would call and text him every night. Sebastian felt better after talking with his sister, so every night he made sure to turn on his cell so he could take her calls, even if he still didn't want to talk to anyone else.
The phone was brand new, which meant none of his information, emails or text messages were in it anymore. He'd broken the other phone before even reading any of the 6 text messages he had, and now they were gone. Sebastian would never know what those messages said, and even though he guessed it was probably better that way, Sebastian couldn't help to feel a little bit curious.
Sebastian knew the voicemail messages would still be available if he dialed for them, but he didn't want to. He wasn't ready yet. Sebastian was starting to calm down after days of madness, so he didn't want to feed his brain any reasons to lose his mind again. With how bad he was feeling because of the chemo, Sebastian was sure having another panic attack might actually kill him.
Sebastian took his medicine and got into bed. An upside of having anxiety meds and pain killers was the dreamless sleep. Sebastian was happy to take a break from all the conflicting emotions and thoughts that were making a mess of his head. He just closed his eyes and woke up almost 10 hours later when Alice, one of the maids, brought him breakfast.
There were ups and downs though. At times when he felt better, Sebastian would go out of his room and walk around the house. But most of the times he would just stay in bed and feel like he wanted to just give up and die.
On Friday morning Sebastian forced himself to go outside to his back yard, figuring maybe some fresh air would make him feel better. He'd been awake, laying in bed for hours and didn't want to stay there when he couldn't sleep.
Sebastian walked towards the pool and sat in one of the poolside loungers with his iPod and wrapped himself in a blanket. The morning light was soft and the house was quiet around him. Their yard was big, with green grass and numerous flower and rose bushes adorning the garden. The sound of the wind against the leaves of the nearby trees helped relax him a little. That day was a little warmer than the last few days had been, but it was still a little cold. Sebastian always seemed to feel cold these days anyway, but despite the slight chilliness, it felt good to be outside for a while.
Sebastian sat there by himself for a while and ate breakfast by the pool. Any other day Sebastian would have found it relaxing, but even with the slight change of scenery, little by little the loneliness started taking its toll on him.
Sebastian was deep in thought when he realized there was someone standing in the other side of the pool, staring at him. Sebastian propped himself up on his elbows and frowned.
"Alex?"
His cousin smiled nervously and waved, slowly walking around the pool so he could get to where Sebastian was.
It had been so long since Sebastian had seen him, and his head felt a little fuzzy but he was sure he wasn't hallucinating. Sebastian had no idea what Alex was doing in his house, especially on a school day.
"Can I sit down?" Alex asked, standing awkwardly in front of Sebastian.
Sebastian shrugged, "Yeah… Uh, what are you doing here?"
Alex breathed in as he sat down in the lounger next to Sebastian's and put his backpack on the floor.
"I just wanted to come say hi."
Sebastian frowned, disbelieving. "Shouldn't you be in school right now?"
"Yeah, but... I ditched."
Sebastian raised his eyebrows, feeling simultaneously impressed and confused. Had Alex really ditched school to come see him? That made no sense, and Sebastian had no idea what was going on through his cousin's mind.
"You're going to get in trouble."
Alex just shrugged, still staring at the pool. "Yeah well, I don't really care."
Sebastian huffed, and none of them said anything for a while. They just sat in the loungers, looking at the water and the trees. Sebastian was not going to be the one to start talking, he was busy thinking about how loud he was going to yell at the house staff for letting someone in when he had instructed them not to.
"So... How have you been?"
"Fine... Cancer is a walk in the park!" Sebastian said, sardonically.
Silence settled between them again, the moment slowly changing from awkward to tense as Sebastian sat there, wrapped in his blanket while Alex just sat in the chair beside him, doing nothing but staring at the pool.
"Uncle Joseph told us about what happened, with the nosebleed and-"
"I'm not dying, you know?" Sebastian interrupted him. "In case that's what you're worried about. It was just a nosebleed… having cancer just kinda made it worse. So you can rest assured that I'm going to be fine… Just fine."
From the corner of his eye, Sebastian could see Alex shaking his head slightly. Sebastian hoped his hostility was clear enough for Alex to get the message that he didn't want him there. Alex remained quiet as Sebastian continued speaking.
"I finished my first cycle of chemo, and now I'm on the second one. I'm sure in a couple of months I'll be out of the woods and back to normal. So, you don't have to be here, really. Besides, I'm sure your mom will be pissed if she finds out you're here."
Alex frowned, "Wait… What do you mean? I'm here because I want to Seb, I'm just worried about you."
"Well don't!" Sebastian said angrily, scowling at his cousin. "Don't worry about me Alex, don't feel bad for me. I'm fine… I'll be fine. You don't have to come visit me just because you feel bad for me or whatever."
"That's not why I'm here, Sebastian."
"Then what is it? Why are you here?"
"Do I need a reason? You're my cousin Seb... I mean… I care about you. Isn't that enough?"
Sebastian laughed bitterly. "Oh... You care about me? That's interesting, considering you've been avoiding me for months now."
Alex buried his face in his hands and shook his head, groaning frustrated.
"Do you remember when was the last time you came here Alex? Cause I do… it was nine months ago. Nine! Why haven't you shown your face around here until now? I'll tell you why… Cause I didn't have cancer before!" Sebastian was so upset that he could feel his heartbeat speeding up and was thankful to have the blanket around him so Alex couldn't notice how his hands were shaking.
"You probably think I'm going to die soon and that's why you came here. To ease your conscience or something... Right? Well, guess what? I'm not going to die, so you can go back to avoiding me… I'll be just fine!"
Alex was visibly frustrated; he looked like he wanted to say something, but remained quiet through Sebastian's rant. Sebastian didn't know if Alex's silence infuriated him more or not, he only knew he didn't want to be there with him anymore. Sebastian was starting to feel nauseous, so he slowly got up from the lounger.
"Sebastian please don't go… I just… I want to talk."
"Well, I don't."
Sebastian stood up and attempted to turn around to walk back to the house, but he was only able to take a couple of steps before his nausea got worse and he fell to his knees, one hand over his stomach and the other one covering his mouth.
The nausea was bordering on painful; Sebastian could feel his throat closing up and his stomach turning. He knew it was inevitable, and he could feel his eyes burning with tears as he hunched over and heaved; throwing up his breakfast over the poolside.
Alex rushed to where Sebastian was and knelt by his side as he vomited; and stayed there with him as he felt his body shaking, sweating and coughing until he completely emptied the contents of his stomach. When Sebastian had finally stopped vomiting, Alex helped him get up so he could sit again in the chair.
"Fuck…"
"Are you okay? Tell me what you need… Seb?"
Sebastian couldn't talk… he was focused on his breathing, trying with all his might to keep calm so he would not vomit again. He hated feeling like this, so weak and pathetic he couldn't even walk away from this situation he was in.
"Stay here, I'm going to get you some water."
Alex ran to the house and came back a few seconds later, holding a glass of water and paper tissues from the kitchen. Sebastian looked up and noticed Alice and Jenna, two of the housemaids standing by the door, looking at him with concern.
Sebastian waved at them as to let them know he was fine. He didn't want them to call his mom and worry her at work. Alex put the glass of water close to his face and Sebastian took it with shaky hands, drinking a little before putting it down.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah… ugh... it's just… I'll be fine." Sebastian said before hunching over and heaving again, his body tensed up from the nausea even though his stomach was mostly empty. There was nothing in his stomach except the water he just drank, but his body ached to throw it up nonetheless.
Alex had his hand over Sebastian's back, moving it slowly in a circular motion, trying to soothe him. When Sebastian looked to his side he noticed Alex was moving his lips.
"Alex… please don't."
"W-what?"
"I can see you praying. Stop."
"I wasn't. I mean… sorry."
Alex was completely flustered at being caught, but Sebastian had no energy to argue with him right now, so he just laughed weakly.
"Yes you were. But, whatever… If God didn't cure me from homosexuality, I doubt he is gonna to cure me from cancer."
Alex didn't say anything; he just bit his lip. Sebastian drank a little more water, and used one of the paper tissues Alex brought him to wipe his mouth and nose. Sebastian could still feel his body slightly shaking, but he knew it would pass. He was so focused on his own discomfort that he hadn't realized Alex's eyes were rimmed red and full of unshed tears.
"God, why are you crying?" Sebastian said, exasperatedly.
Alex just shook his head, looking down at his feet while Sebastian got his breath back. They stayed silent for a couple of minutes and Sebastian's mind drifted away, reminiscing about happier times when he and Alex would hang by the pool and have a good time with Catherine and the rest of the family. Things had changed so much in the past year.
"If I tell you I'm sorry, would you believe me?"
Sebastian sighed, taking in Alex's words before responding.
"I don't want an apology from you Alex. What I need is for you to tell me why you've been avoiding me, and I want you to be honest."
Alex rubbed his temples and then crossed his hands, putting them under his chin.
"I don't... I don't know how to explain."
"Just tell me."
Alex wouldn't look at him, and Sebastian knew why that was.
"Do you think I'm going to hell?"
"What? No... Seb, don't say that."
Sebastian just shrugged, waiting for Alex to say something, but he was silent. They were sitting right next to each other, and Sebastian could tell that his cousin was nervous, rigid with tension as he just pondered his thoughts.
"Did your mother forbid you from hanging out with me? Is that it?"
Alex buried his face in his hands and shook his head. Sebastian was starting to lose his patience.
"Don't lie to me, I know how Aunt Helen feels about me being gay. I heard her talking to my dad about it."
"What?"
"One day, Lacrosse practice finished earlier than usual and when I got home your mother was there, speaking to my mom and dad in the kitchen. I was about to go inside and say hi when I heard her telling my parents they needed to pray for 'my situation', that if they went back to church maybe things could change for the better…" Sebastian laughed bitterly, "Like me being gay was some sort of punishment for the family… And you know my mom; she wants nothing to do with the church, so she told her to stop, but my dad… He was having a hard time accepting me as it was and your mother kept feeding him all that bullshit. So, don't lie to me Alex… stop protecting her!"
"I'm not protecting her! She didn't… Mom never forbade me from talking to you. She actually kept pushing me to talk to you, to invite you to church and stuff." Alex admitted, and Sebastian just huffed in disbelief.
"So then…" Sebastian's voice was small; dreading to ask because he knew the answer his cousin would give him. If his aunt wasn't to blame for this then it only meant that it was Alex's own choice to distance himself from him.
"Did I do something to offend you? Or is being gay offensive enough?"
"No! God, Seb... please don't say that."
"Why… it's the truth, isn't it? Just admit it!" Sebastian raised his voice, and Alex practically jumped up from the lounger, taking a few steps away from Sebastian. Alex was just walking around with his hands over his head, avoiding Sebastian's gaze and looking like he wanted to cry.
In all honesty, Sebastian wanted to cry too. All this time he'd been convincing himself that his Aunt Helen was the one to blame for this. That she was the homophobic one, keeping Alex away from him... But to find out that staying away from him was Alex's own choice hurt Sebastian more than any homophobic slur ever thrown at him. His own cousin, the guy that he grew up with hated Sebastian because of who he was.
Sebastian was so angry, he felt a few tears stream down his face but quickly wiped them away with his hand. Sebastian got up again, thankful that this time the nausea didn't come back.
"Well you know what? Fuck you, Alex!"
Alex was gaping with a horrified expression on his face. Sebastian just looked him up and down before turning away from him. Sebastian was done with this, he didn't want to see Alex's face ever again.
Just as Sebastian was about to reach the door to get back inside his house, he heard it.
"I think I'm gay!"
Sebastian froze on the spot, when he turned around to look at his cousin he was shaking his head and covering his mouth like he couldn't believe that he said that out loud.
"You… What?"
Alex looked like he was about to pass out. His face was flushed and his eyes swollen from all the tears. He slumped down in the chair and just covered his face with his hands.
"I think I'm gay Seb... Alright? I just… I don't know... Oh my god!" Alex kept running his hands over his hair and face nervously. Sebastian was speechless; he stared at his cousin in complete disbelief. He didn't know what to do with this sudden revelation.
Sebastian just stood there, watching his cousin cry. Little by little, his anger started fading away and a feeling of sympathy took its place. This was something he never saw coming, but it had to be true. Alex was crying, and he seemed completely and utterly ashamed of his confession. Sebastian slowly walked back to the poolside and sat in the chair next to him. For a long while neither of them said anything. Sebastian was deep in thought and Alex seemed to be too.
After a while of just sitting there, it was Alex who broke the silence.
"I wanted to tell you… for the longest time, but I never had the guts. I was terrified, and I didn't know what to do. I still don't…" Alex said, still sniffling a little between words. "When you came out, your dad told my mom, and she told me… She said you were gay, and she cried, Sebastian. She cried and ranted about it for hours, and you have no idea of all the things she said... It was awful, because every single thing she said, I knew she would think the same of me. So I panicked."
Sebastian felt like he was in a dream. All the words coming out of his cousin's mouth felt surreal.
"I wanted to figure this out on my own. I knew if I was alone with you, I would end up telling you, and I didn't want to. I just wanted to stop feeling like that, I thought if I prayed hard enough, maybe I could stop feeling what I felt. My mom kept telling me to invite you to church, to 'help you'... and so I did, but just to get her off my back, because I knew you wouldn't want to go to church. I distanced myself from you because I was scared. I was afraid of what could happen. Afraid of what my mom would do if I ever… god."
"If you ever came out?"
"Yeah… but, I don't know if I'm gay Seb… I've never kissed a guy or anything. I just know that I feel things... strong things, towards some of my friends and I've tried to stop it, but I can't. I feel like a horrible person."
"Liking guys doesn't make you a horrible person." Sebastian said, and Alex smiled sadly.
"My best friend, Brandon… I've told him about you. He knows that you're gay, and we've talked about it… We've prayed for you. I feel so stupid, but he is my best friend, and I know if I ever came out he won't be anymore."
"Why?"
"Because he thinks it's wrong Seb, that's what the bible says… that's what-... I don't know."
"How can you be friends with someone who hates gays?"
"It's not that he hates-… I mean..." Alex stumbled upon his words "It's like… I don't know how to explain it but… 'Love the sinner, not the sin' is what they say. They'll never say you're disgusting, or that you're an abomination or anything, but they'll still encourage you to change, to pray and to stay away from 'those desires' and stuff like that… you know? 'Cause same sex relationships are not God's will."
Sebastian felt really bad for Alex now; he was leaving a double life. Sebastian couldn't imagine himself doing that. He would feel like punching everyone in the face all the time.
"You should have told me."
"I know… I'm sorry."
After another couple of seconds of silence, Sebastian laughed and said: "Hmm… I should introduce you to Trent, you'd make a good couple."
"What?" Alex said, flustered.
"I'm kidding…" Sebastian laughed, "Don't you have a girlfriend though?"
"Um… Not anymore…" Alex admitted, "We broke up a few months ago. It just... wasn't working, I guess."
"But… did you like her? I mean, being with her." Sebastian was genuinely curious because he couldn't imagine himself kissing a girl, or touching and just… no.
"Kind of? I don't know… I guess I tried, but… my head is a mess and I don't know what I'm feeling half the time so, it wasn't fair to her. God, I feel awful… I don't know what I'm gonna do about this."
Sebastian nodded understandingly. "You don't have to come out yet… You know? Take as much time as you need… Do it when you're ready."
Alex just smiled. "Maybe someday I will… I don't know. Sometimes I wonder what it's like, you know? To have someone… A guy. It must be really nice. I hope someday, maybe when I go to college or something… Maybe then I can meet someone, and be with him… like you and Kurt."
Sebastian almost choked on his own breath. "Wait… Kurt? How do you know about Kurt?"
"Um… I actually met him at the hospital when my mom and I went to visit you, a few weeks ago."
"I don't remember you coming-"
"You were asleep." Alex interrupted him, "My mom and I went to visit you, and Kurt was in your room when we got there. He was sitting by your side, holding your hand… My mom kept looking at him and making these constipated faces, but Kurt never let go of your hand all the while… and we were there for almost an hour."
Alex was smiling fondly at the memory, and Sebastian couldn't help but feel puzzled and confused. He vaguely remembered Kurt holding his hand that one time, but he'd been sure it had been a dream. Sebastian's brain was always fuzzy after chemo. Sebastian never imagined Kurt would hold his hand even after he'd fallen asleep… Kurt knew about Sebastian's aunt, and he must have done it on purpose just to spite her… Sebastian smiled, feeling grateful to Kurt but at the same time feeling guilty for being such an asshole to him.
"Yeah… Kurt is pretty great." Sebastian admitted. "But he's not… I mean, we're just friends." Or at least we were, his mind supplied.
"Oh, sorry… I just assumed because of the hand-… well, nevermind…" Alex stammered through his words, "Um… I added him on Facebook, I hope that's okay?"
"You did what? When?"
"I actually sent him the invite a few weeks ago, but he didn't accept it until a few days ago. He seems like a really nice guy."
Sebastian felt weird all of the sudden. Why hadn't Kurt mentioned Alex's friend request? Sebastian didn't quite know what to think of that… and he didn't quite know why, but it bothered him a little.
"Did you talk to him?" Sebastian asked, and Alex suddenly looked like a deer caught in the headlights.
"I um… not really, I mean… I just said thanks for adding me and stuff… and I asked him how you were doing… but that's all."
"And what did he say?"
"Well… He said I should ask you myself."
Sebastian just smiled sadly, because that was exactly the kind of thing Kurt would do.
"Is something wrong?" Alex asked.
"No… Well, Kurt and I just... we're not really speaking right now."
Alex frowned, "Why? What happened?"
Sebastian sighed and sat back, lying down in the chair with his feet behind Alex's back. He pondered for a moment if he should tell Alex or not… but figured since they were already talking it really couldn't hurt.
"I got mad at him, and was kind of a jerk… He probably hates me now."
"What did he do?"
"Well…" Sebastian tried to find the words to explain to his cousin exactly what Kurt had done, but he couldn't. When everything happened things had been so big and awful inside Sebastian's head, but now as he tried to put it into words the truth was that it sounded silly and petty and all around stupid.
"Argh… it's just stupid."
"Seb? What is it?"
"I kinda wanted to keep this a secret… My cancer, I mean."
Alex frowned and squinted his eyes, like what Sebastian just said made no sense… and maybe it didn't, but Sebastian just shrugged... "I can't really explain why but… I just didn't want people to know, and the other day at the mall, I was with Kurt when my nose started bleeding. There were some guys from school there, and Kurt said I had leukemia."
"Whoa… he just told them?" Alex asked, and Sebastian winced because no, Kurt didn't just tell them. As much as he hated to admit it, Sebastian had no right to be mad at Kurt for what happened.
"Well… He was calling 911. So I guess he kinda had to say it but… I still got mad at him. He didn't really do anything wrong... I'm just an asshole, I guess."
Sebastian laughed sadly, and Alex just pressed his lips into a tight smile. Alex remained thoughtful for a couple of seconds and then said: "Can I ask you something?"
"Yeah?"
"Why do you want to keep it a secret?"
Sebastian knew exactly why, but he was not going to say it out loud. He couldn't let himself admit to feeling insecure and vulnerable, he just couldn't.
"It doesn't matter… everyone knows now."
"Who is 'everyone'?"
"Um… I don't know… probably the entire Dalton student body and their mothers."
Alex raised his eyebrows. "Wow…"
"Yeah… it sucks."
"Have you talked to anyone yet?"
"No… not really. I've kinda been avoiding everything for a while now."
Alex just nodded awkwardly, but Sebastian could tell he wanted to say something.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"I can tell there's something on your mind… so, spill."
"I don't know… I just don't understand why you'd want to go through this alone. That's all."
Sebastian breathed in and shook his head. Alex would never understand what he felt… So what was the point of even trying to explain?
"I mean… I know you have a lot of friends, right?" Alex continued, "What if they want to support you and be there for you... But you're just pushing everyone away? Why are you hiding, Seb?"
And that's the word that finally snapped Sebastian out of it. Hiding. The way Alex just said it, he'd never seen it that way before, but it was true. He was hiding, like a coward… and Sebastian didn't want to be a coward.
"I'm not hiding, Alex… I just don't want people talking about me like I'm some sort of charity case, you don't underst-"
"Then talk to them!" Alex interrupted him, "I mean... if they already know now, wouldn't it be better if they heard things from you? Think about it Seb, if all those guys at the mall saw was your massive nosebleed, who knows what they must think now... Watching that and then hearing Kurt say you have leukemia must paint a pretty awful picture... Don't you think?"
Sebastian frowned, hating the fact that his cousin had a point.
"Look Seb, I know it's none of my business and if you want to be alone it's your choice but... I think you're not giving people enough credit."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means, that maybe people care about you more than you think."
Sebastian sighed, remembering the look on Kurt's face when he'd seen him at the parking lot. The way he'd smiled, looking nervous and even hopeful; only to have Sebastian look at him like he was nothing. He also remembered the smile on Trent's face when he saw him at the mall. He seemed happy to see Sebastian while he was just wishing Trent would go away. To a point, Sebastian did feel remorse and guilt at the way he had behaved lately, but he didn't quite know what to do about it now. His life was a mess, and most of that mess he'd created himself.
Alex stayed with Sebastian for a while longer. The morning was getting warmer, and Sebastian was tired so they went inside to watch TV. Alex would have to go home soon and even though Sebastian wasn't feeling well, they still joked around, speculating how much trouble Alex would get into once his mom found out he didn't go to school. Sebastian was trying really hard to stay awake but he ended up falling asleep in the couch.
When Sebastian woke up, Alex was gone and his mom was already home. Sebastian could hear her talking to one of the maids in the dining room so he decided to get up and say hi. When he stood up from the couch, Sebastian realized there was a note laying in the floor beside the couch. He picked it up and read it:
"Went home, didn't want to wake you. I'll call you later, if mom doesn't kill me. Good luck talking with your friends, and Kurt! ;) - Alex."
Smartass. Sebastian rolled his eyes and laughed, folding the small paper note and putting it in his pocket before heading towards the kitchen.
Later in the afternoon, Sebastian couldn't help but replay Alex's words in his head over and over again. His visit had been really unexpected, and Sebastian didn't quite know how to feel about it. One thing was certain though, and that was that Sebastian had his cousin back. It felt nice, but weird at the same time, like they would have to get to know each other all over again before things could get back to how they used to be. But at least they were talking again, and that was good.
The weekend passed in a blur. The side effects of Sebastian's latest chemotherapy session slowly faded away, and he started to feel a little better. Sebastian kept his routine of turning on his phone only at nights so he could talk to his sister. Something felt different though, Sebastian was on edge every time he turned it off, not on.
As much as he hated to admit it, his cousin had a point. Sebastian couldn't hide away forever, and he shouldn't have to. He knew he needed to come out of his cave and talk to Trent and the Warblers. Who knows what ideas they were getting in their heads by now.
Sebastian made his decision on Sunday night... But it wasn't until Monday morning when he finally gathered the courage to go through with it. He turned on his laptop for the first time in a long time and decided to write an email to those of the Warblers who had called or texted him during the time he'd been gone.
...
From: Sebastian Smythe
To: Trent Nixon, Jeff Sterling, Nicholas Duval, David Thompson, Hunter Clarington, Thad Harwood
Subject: I'm alive.
Hey guys…
I figure by now you all must have heard about what happened, and why I have been MIA for the past few months. I've had my reasons for staying under the radar, and well... I won't go into detail here, because I'd rather do it in person.
I'm sorry I haven't taken your calls or replied to your messages, but... I'd really like to talk to you guys about what's been going on. So I was thinking maybe you could come over after school? Only if you want to, of course.
I'll be waiting. Hope to see you soon.
Sebastian
...
Sebastian's hands were cold and sweaty as he typed, and his stomach turned with the nerves and anticipation of what would happen if he sent the email. He was hesitant about including Hunter, because he figured Hunter could still be pissed about Sebastian ditching them without a word right before Regionals, but he included him anyway.
It took Sebastian almost an hour to type that message out because nothing he came up with sounded quite right, and he would keep deleting everything over and over. Sebastian stared at the email for a long time before gathering the courage to click SEND.
After sending the email, Sebastian got up from his desk chair and dropped himself on the bed, face down and hiding under a pillow. He tried to ease his breathing before it started getting out of hand, and then when he was feeling a little less nervous, he curled into himself and tried to sleep.
His laptop remained open in his desk, and if Sebastian had checked, he'd realized that not long after sending the email, his inbox started filling with replies from the guys.
Hours passed and Sebastian remained in his bed, appetite completely gone from the nerves that ran through him and unable to really sleep. His mind was racing with all the possibilities of what would happen that afternoon, and thinking about what he was going to say. Sebastian knew he had to be strong, he'd been avoiding this moment for so long that for a while he had even thought he would be able to get away with never dealing with it at all, but it was time... And it was long overdue.
He didn't dare to go out of his room... his anxiety medication laid completely forgotten in his bedside drawer. As nervous as he was, Sebastian didn't take any because he didn't want to feel numb… he wanted to do this the right way, and he was trying really hard to just step up to the occasion. As the minutes passed, Sebastian felt more and more like the whole thing had been just a terrible idea, but he couldn't back out now.
Sebastian spent more time than he ever had, trying to figure out what to wear. He had never been nervous about his appearance, as he was that day. And his stupid gray beanie would have to do, since the cool ones he bought at the mall had been completely ruined.
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door, and it was Alice.
"Sebastian… there is someone downstairs to see you, we told him you weren't receiving any visits, but he insisted and-"
"Who is it?"
"Trent Nixon… he is wearing a Dalton uniform."
"It's fine… I forgot to tell you that I'll be expecting company. So, whoever comes just… let them in, okay?" Sebastian sighed and got up from the bed, steadying himself on slightly shaky feet. It was truth time.
By the time Sebastian went out of his room and down the stairs, Trent was standing in the middle of his living room, with a big and hopeful smile on his face. Sebastian pressed his lips into a tight smile and welcomed him.
"Hey Trent…"
"Sebastian! Man, it's so good to see you!" Trent exclaimed, pulling Sebastian into a hug "I called you like a million times last week!"
Sebastian was caught a little off guard by Trent's sudden gesture, but smiled nonetheless.
"Yeah... Sorry about that." He said half-heartedly, and Trent just shook his head, smiling.
"Can I just say that I'm so glad you're finally doing this... Cause I swear If I had to keep this a secret for one more day I was going to lose my mind!"
"Wait... What are you talking about?"
"What am I talking about? I'm talking about you not answering my calls or replying to my texts and-... Do you have any idea how worried I've been?"
"No! I mean what you said... keeping a secret? What-"
"Yeah... I mean, about... your illness. I haven't told anyone."
Sebastian gave Trent a skeptical look. "You really didn't tell anyone about what happened?"
"No! Of course not." Trent replied, looking shocked and almost offended, and Sebastian couldn't even form words, his mind was busy trying to process what Trent just said.
"W-why?" He asked, completely dumbstruck.
"Well... Because Kurt asked me not to tell anyone. At first I didn't understand why you didn't want anyone to know... And to be honest, I still don't. But Kurt said that if I really considered you a friend, then I should respect your wishes. That it was not my secret to share, and that I should talk to you first... You deleted your Facebook and I had no idea if you would even check your email... So I tried calling you, but I couldn't get to you, and I didn't know what to do but... No, I didn't tell anyone, Sebastian. I swear I didn't."
Sebastian squinted his eyes, feeling completely at a loss. He couldn't believe what Trent was saying. It felt surreal… like a really weird dream that he was stuck in. He'd been freaking out about the backlash and about everyone knowing he had cancer, and all this time Trent had kept it a secret. Sebastian sighed in complete disbelief, he didn't know if he wanted to laugh or cry at this unexpected turn of events.
"Wait… you thought I told everyone, didn't you?"
"Uh… Yeah." Sebastian admitted, still in shock. "I figured you had just-… I just thought everyone knew by now,or at least the Warblers. You really didn't tell anyone?"
"No… I didn't."
"So, what? No one knows?"
"No!"
Sebastian still couldn't believe it.
"But… what about Blaine? You expect me to believe that he kept my secret too? Come on."
Trent frowned, looking at Sebastian like he was growing another head or something. "Blaine wouldn't dare say a word to anyone; not after what happened at the mall. He feels terrible, and besides, he's too worried about Kurt hating him enough as it is. Not that Kurt actually hates him, but… he was just really adamant about it, you know? Kurt made us promise we wouldn't say anything… Didn't he tell you?" Trent asked, looking confused, and Sebastian just shook his head, because Kurt couldn't say anything to him when he'd completely shut him out of his life.
"Sebastian, I swear, Kurt even gave me his phone number and told me to just call him and vent to him if I ever felt anxious and wanted to talk about it. Just cause I was freaking out so much about everything, and you wouldn't take any of my calls… I actually called Kurt a couple of times last week, and I swear there was a point when he pretty much threatened me with bodily harm if I told anyone about this before speaking to you!"
Sebastian huffed, shaking his head and smiling sadly as he realized all the fears that had been tormenting and stressing him out this past week had been all inside his head. He felt like an idiot… and like an asshole. He'd felt so paranoid and helpless that he had unfairly dropped his frustrations on Kurt, blaming him for what happened when Kurt had actually gone out of his way to make sure his secret was safe.
"I didn't know." Sebastian said, in a small voice, and Trent stared at him with a pained expression.
"So… why did you send out the email then? Was it because you thought everyone already knew about your cancer?"
"Yeah… something like that."
Trent pressed his lips into a tight line and sighed.
"Listen, the guys will be here any minute now, and they don't know what's going on but… Sebastian, they were all very glad to hear from you. You have no idea! So, I really think you should tell them. They care about you… we all do, and-"
Trent stopped mid-sentence, interrupted by the sound of the bell ringing, and Sebastian felt his stomach do a little nervous jump. He turned to his side and could see the silhouettes of the guys behind the big wooden and glass door.
"They're here." Sebastian said, feeling a little breathless.
"Yeah… What are you going to do?" Trent asked, eyes wide, looking concerned but hopeful. Sebastian just looked at him and gathered all the strength he could muster.
"Screw it… I'm just gonna tell them. Yeah."
Trent smiled widely, looking proud of Sebastian for his decision; but the truth was, Sebastian had never been more nervous in his life. It didn't matter though, cause he just took a deep breath and braced himself.
It was time to face the music.