Another update! Sorry for the gap between the last few updates I have been ill recently so haven't felt up to writing much.

Please carry on reviewing this!

Chapter 20

Zoe.

Ash had work the next day and it was Jess's first day back at school. I was going to go in and speak to the head about what had happened over the summer and sort out the new arrangements that would need to be put into place. Jess was excited but nervous again as she was missing Lou still and even though I tried to help her I couldn't be her mum.

Ash left the house at 6 and I was just getting up to go and have a shower. Once I was ready it was 7 so I decided to go and get Jess up and get her breakfast.

"Time to wake up now Jess. Back to school." I said as I sat down on her bed.

She groaned then realized what I said. She was going to school and she would see her friends she hadn't seen for weeks. That was one of the things I couldn't provide for her. I didn't know any of her friends mums meaning I couldn't phone them and ask if their child could come round.

She sprang out of bed and I helped her put her new uniform on.

Then we went down stairs for breakfast, coco pops for Jess and a piece of toast for me.

Once we had everything ready it was nearly 7:45 and it was a 10 minute drive to the school from my house so we sat in the playroom and watched some kids TV for a few minutes before heading off to school.

When we got to the school a few children were playing in the playground but it was still early so there wasn't many. I went into reception and asked to see the head teacher.

I had to let Jess go off to her class as I had to wait for about a hour until she came out of her office, which was just next to the reception area. She was tall and had long brown hair combed back into a bun that made her look stern, her eyes however were happy and she looked friendly. We were invited into her office, which was plain and simple, unlike mine this office was neat and tidy, no pieces of paper tossed on the desk or in piles on the floor. There was a desk and two black tub chairs on one side and then another one on the other side. There was a computer and a filing cabinet. On the wall were pictures I guessed that some of the younger kids had drawn for her.

Once we had sat down she spoke first.

"I'm Jane Biggs, sorry for the wait. How can I help?"

"Hi, I'm Zoe Hanna and this is my niece Jess, she's going into year 1 I think." I said offering my hand to her; she took it in a firm grasp and then let go.

"Jess Hanna, is that right?"

"Yes,"

"Anything that needs to happen for Jess needs to come from her mother or father. Unfortunately you cant' change any arrangements without them here." She said, unaware.

"I know that, but I think I can." I stated

"Really? Why's that?" she lent forward on her desk awaiting an answer.

"Over the summer my sister Lou was involved in a car crash, a fatal car crash. Her husband, Jess's dad, Pete is currently in a police cell for possession of drugs. I am Jess's guardian and I need to make arrangements for her." I said firmly yet still trying to hold back my emotions.

"I'm sorry to hear about your sister Mrs Hanna?"

"Miss Hanna." I corrected.

"Miss Hanna, but I haven't heard anything from social services so I cant allow you to do that." She said stubbornly.

"Why don't you phone them now then? Go on, call them." I said loosing my temper.

"I will do that Miss Hanna but you will need to wait in reception for a while longer as the children have assembly right now so I need to go." She said getting up.

"I have already waited for an hour before I could see you I wont wait much longer." I said grabbing my coat and going to sit in the reception area. I pulled my phone out and called Noel at the ED reception and asked him to tell Ash to hold the fort for a while longer as I had been delayed. It sounded like work was hectic and he sounded unsure that they could manage without me for that much longer, I went back into the office where the head was still sitting, doing nothing.

"I'm sorry Miss Hanna, but you can't just barge in here like that." She said crossly.

"Look, I need to go." I said, "Crisis at work."

"Oh really, what do you do? Work in a beauty salon, has someone broke a nail?" she said sarcastically, that made me really cross then.

"No, I'm a doctor. I work at Holby City Emergency Department and I'm the clinical lead there. I can't wait here any longer waiting for you to sit around doing nothing, I need to go and save some lives. Either me or my boyfriend will be back to pick Jess up later, I will phone social servies myself and get them to call you. Then I will come in and you will let me make arrangements for Jess. Ok?" I fumed.

She looked shocked and unsure of what to say.

"Ok?" I repeated determined to get an answer.

"Ok." She replied quietly.

I turned around and walked out of the building calling Noel again to let him know I was on my way.

I arrived at the ED to find it in utter mayhem, reaction had a que a mile long and ambulances were constantly moving. I entered the ED and went over to Noel.

"Whats going on?"

"Zoe, thank goodness you're here!" he sighed.

"Whats going on?" I repeated.

"Major RTC Ash is in Rhesus but could really do with a hand, Tom and Sam in cubicles and Lily is in ICU," he said

"Right, how major?" I asked trying to take the information in, still cross with the head from Jess's school.

"Two double decker busses crashed into one another taking out five cars carrying a total of about 10 people. Overall I think there were 128 casualties. St. James had to divert here as they are full." He said whilst taking a patients details.

"So are we!" I cried before heading into Rhesus to help Ash.

"Right, what can I do?" I called out as I entered.

"Zoe!" I heard Tess and Ash shout in relief.

"Here, can you take over this patient?" Ash said pointing to the bed he was standing next to.

"Sure, want me to take over here? Go help Lily in ICU, she needs you more than me at the moment." I said dreading to think how bad Lily's bedside manner was.

"You're right, I should. See you later, we can catch up then." He said running to help Lily.

I got to work quickly as Jeff and Ian bought in a patient in cardiac arrest, who we managed to save and send up to theatre to repair his heart. By 3 o'clock the ED was back to normal and the whole place was calm again. I took my lunch break then as I needed to pick up Jess, I managed to get Ash to come too.

I hadn't called social services yet so I decided to not go and see the head again just get Ash to pick up Jess and then he could drop me back at work before heading home after his shift which had started at 6:40 that morning.

Once back at the ED I discharged a few patients and then retreated to my office to attempt some paperwork. It was nearing 5 by the time my shift finished and after saying goodbye to Sam, Tom and Tess and thanking them for their work today I went to my car and went home to Ash and Jess.

When I got in I was told all about Jess's day at school whilst she finished the dinner Ash had made for her. I sat on Ash's lap as he listened to her recount the day's events again.

After that even though Ash and I were absolutely exhausted we took Jess to the local park to play.

Whilst we were at the park Jess had gone off and played with another girl of her age. The girl's mother approached me.

"Hi, I'm Holly. You must be Jess's parents." She said, her voice chirpy and annoying, offering her hand I took it.

"Hi, I'm Zoe. Jess is my niece, not my daughter. Her mum died a few weeks ago and her dad's not in the picture," I explained.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't realize…" she apologized quickly.

"It wasn't your fault, you didn't know." I said.

"Sorry, that's my daughter Grace." She pointed to the girl Jess was playing with, "and is this your husband?" she asked looking at Ash, offering her hand once again.

"Ash, boyfriend." He said as he took her hand in his.

"Nice to meet you."

"Same."

"Have you two got any other children of your own?" she asked interested, trying to make conversation.

I always hate it when people ask me that. I always pretend that I can have children and that it is something that will happen in the future, Ash didn't know this, as I hadn't told him so he was shocked at my answer.

"I have a daughter, but she is much older. 16 now." Ash said.

"I haven't had any yet, but there is still time. How about you?" I said. Ash looked at me strangely.

"I have a 10 year old son Peter, a 1 year old daughter Leah and Grace," Holly said

"You have your hands full then!" I said.

"I sure do, but I don't work so I have all day to get things done, even though the house is still a tip." She laughed. "What do you two do?"

"We're doctors in the Emergency Department at Holby City General." Ash said.

"Wow!" I would never have guessed. I could never be a doctor, blood, ugh!" she shuddered.

"It's not for everyone." I said.

Holly, though nice was starting to get on my nerves, she was so proud and just seemed like the perfect mum, house-wife and all round woman. Nothing I would ever be.

We left the park at about 6:30 when it started to get dark to give Jess a bath and read her a story. Holly and Grace left just before us waving goodbye and writing her number on a scrap of paper she found in her bag and asking me to call her. Like that would happen.

Jess was tired and fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.

I cooked dinner for Ash and I, and then he asked what I meant when I answered Holly's question about children.

"What did you mean that you still had time?"

"I didn't want to tell her." I said trying to shrug it off.

"It won't go away Zoe. How many people actually know you can't have kids?" he asked, sitting me down on a chair from the dining table and pulling one out for himself.

"You, Tess, Linda, Sam I think and Nick, oh and a few others that found out when I was bought into the ED one time after passing out drunk. But it doesn't matter." I said getting up.

"That's not many Zoe. You need to sort this, it does matter." He said watching me walk around the kitchen busying myself in cooking dinner.

"It's not something I'm going to brag about am I."

"That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is, you don't want children do you, but if you do and you want to consider it for the future then we can, there are ways now."

"There were ways a few years ago, it wont happen."

"So you are considering it for the future." he concluded.

"I've always considered it Ash, it's just impossible." I said sadly turning to face him.

To be honest I hadn't considered it since I broke up with Nick, well until a week ago when I suddenly thought I would love to spend the rest of my life with him and we would be a family, until Jess came into bed with Ash and I and I thought what to would be like it that was my own child. But I know it can't happen and that always makes me upset. I am unable to achieve what every woman should be able to do.

"Don't say that babe." Ash said as I sat on his lap and he hugged me.

"It's true. My parents don't even know and they expect me to provide something I can't."

"Zoe, I love you for you. I wouldn't worry about what they think, they should love you for you, just like me."

He was so sweet and so caring and I loved him so much.

"Let me finish dinner and then we can get a good nights sleep before work and school tomorrow." He said lifting me up and putting me on another chair before going to finish the cooking.

After diner we sat and watched some trashy tv for a bit before he lifted me up and carried me to our room where we snuggled together under the covers and slept till dawn.

Please review, sorry for the slow updates, I'm recovering from illness at the moment so when I feel up to writing I do but that's not too often. I'll update ASAP.