"I have been asked to take part in a vid." Javik explained as the three of us road the elevator to where I had no idea. "I am told it is a great honor and will boost moral for the war."

"Who says it will?" This sounded kind of suspicious. I can't imagine anything Javik saying boosting moral. He keeps telling people how his people us to eat them.

Mordin shook his head. "Vid and honor rarely together."

The elevator stopped, the doors opened, and we stepped out. Immediately, a salarian hurried to meet us. "Ah, Commander Shepard! I didn't realize you were coming too! Perfect timing, perfect timing! You can play yourself!"

"For what?" I asked dumb founded.

"Peculiar." Mordin took in the room. "Vid, what kind?"

"Attention: The Prothean is on set!" The director ushered us forward. "Someone tell the stunt double they've been demoted! We have the real Shepard now!" He walked past us and towards a vorcha, salarian, and volus standing in a line. "All right! Places everyone! Quickly! Quickly! Cue the backdrop! Roll cameras!"

A large screen rolled in that looked a lot like the old council's counciling room. Wait, were those three supposed to be the council?

"And…action!"

"Commander Shepard." The salarian 'councilman' started. "Thank you for coming. The urgent hour of doom which we all urgently face draws near. Urgently so."

Mordin cocked his head, confused. "Aside from the salarian, the council members are wrong. Neither species is qualified. Volus? Possible. Many yeas away however. Vorcha? Definitely not. Lack of brain capacity a side, vorcha possess poor temperament, motor skills, proper speech, and live half as long as a salarian on average."

I elbowed him hard where his ribs would be.

"But there is hope." The salarian 'councilor' held up a finger. "The council understands you recently found a Prothean in a refrigerator and defrosted him!"

"Refrigerator and stasis pod, clearly not the same." Mordin shook his head. "Same size perhaps."

"So." I spoke slowly. "Are you guys just making this up or what?"

"Of course we're not making it up!" The director actually sounded insulted. "A writer wrote it, so it must be true!"

Mordin's frown deepened. Tali had dubbed it his 'you people are morons' look.

I should see were this was going. "Yeah, he was in the freezer, right behind the varren roast we managed to hide from Wrex." I adlibbed.

"Roast clearly no longer there." Mordin added.

The vorcha 'councilman' pointed at us. "You die now!"

"Not yet." The director snapped. "That comes later!"

"The vorcha councilor will kindly refrain from further interruptions!" The salarian 'councilor' tried to cover.

"I believe." Javik turned to me. "I have been miss informed about the purpose of this 'vid'."

"Ya think?"

"Now then, oh wise prothean elder, what wisdom of the ages can you share with us?" The salarian 'councilman' spread his arms and bowed his head a little.

Javik gave me a quizzical look and I gestured for him to go ahead. "Just say whatever."

"Salarian kidney is best served at room temperature. It is even better when the salarian is still alive. The fear adds…spice."

I should have expected that.

Mordin considered this. "First time hearing fear called 'spice'."

The vorcha 'councilman' now pointed at his salarian counterpart. "Prothean no like you!"

"Did someone say 'prothean'?" We all twisted around to see a hanar. "This one is familiar with enkindling. This one has enkindled multiple females across the galaxy."

"How the hell did we get to talking about sex?" I was confused as hell. "Also, gross."

"Blasto, about time you showed up! The galaxy is under attack by Reapers." The volus councilman said as loudly as he could before his voice going mournful. "If only someone had warned us about them years ago."

Oh, God! This was a Blasto movie!

Should have seen that coming too.

Using his tentacles, Blasto parted Javik and me. I stared at where I'd been touched. "Please tell me hanar don't use their tentacles for enkindling." I whispered to Mordin.

"Strange. Was positive hanar weren't sexual beings." Mordin looked thoughtful.

"Again, gross."

"This one tried. This one was ignored. This one's efforts fell on obstructed auditory senses." Watching hanar move was kind of mesmerizing.

"Uh, actually, that was me. Sovereign? Saren?" I crossed my arms. "You might've heard of them?"

"Yes, and Blasto here destroyed half the Citadel putting them down. But even he's just one hanar." I really hate it when volus talk. It takes forever.

"And let the original council get killed." I reminded them. "Don't forget that."

Hey, if they wanted to give credit to the hanar then he gets the blame too.

"And now we've asked Commander Shepard and their prothean partner" The salarain 'councilman' gestured to each of us. "Here to assist."

"This one did not read that far into the script." Blasto twisted towards the director. "This one does not share top billing."

I still don't fully believe there actually is a script.

"Wait, what?" The director rushed over. "But it's Blasto 7: Blasto Goes to War! Think of the children!"

"Hanar do not fight." Mordin objected.

"Tell that to Zaeed's neck." I countered.

"In my cycle, your kind were nothing more than appetizers." Javik stepped forward to face the hanar. "Would you prefer to be boiled or fried?"

Ah, Javik, ever the helpful one.

"Prothean no like you!" Was the vorcha 'councilor's contribute.

"Fried unhealthy." Mordin, also ever the helpful one, added. "I suggest boiled. Though both would cause excruciating pain if hanar still lives."

"This one has found his motivation."

And this one really wanted to get the hell out of here. I missed alone time with Mordin for this?

"Very well. Commander Shepard and Prothean partner of undetermined ethnic origin." Blasto twisted to talk to us. "Welcome to the Spectre Club."

Were they just ignoring Mordin? They must be because that whole council remark, nobody even batted an eyelid.

"I've been in the 'club'." I air quoted. "For three years now, you stupid jellyfish."

"How was spectre status even uptrained?" Even the mind of the great Mordin Solus couldn't figure that one out.

"I am not just any specter. I am an Ultra Spectre Elite 4000 Deluxe." Blasto raised two guns and pointed them at me. I've been threatened by worse. "This one is a 7000. This one has less recoil and faster load time." (And yes, he does use 'I')

Wait, are we talking about being spectres or guns? I'd rather not be a gun if I have a vote.

"Where is the airlock so I may throw you out of it?" Javik demanded.

"We don't have a prop for that!" The director grumbled before shouting. "Cue the sound effects! Change the backdrop!"

The backdrop shifted and now was the site of a Reaper attack.

"Look!" The volus 'councilor' pointed. "It's Sovereign's half-brother, Sluggard! And he's looking for some payback!"

"Reapers do not have family ties." Mordin frowned. "I believe a new fact checker is in order."

"Someone wrote it so it must be true." I smiled at him making a check mark in the air. "Fact checked."

"Cue the stunt double!" The director ordered.

There was either an exploding noise or a gun shot and my 'stunt double' rolled across the floor.

I stared. "That was supposed to be me?! It's not even the right gender!"

"Your line!" The director stage whispered. "Say your line!"

"Oh, uh. You die now!" The vorcha pointed at me.

"What'd I do?"

"Oh, no!" The salarian 'councilor' had his hands on either side of his head. "The vorcha councilor has been indoctrinated!"

Both the salarian and volus councilmen fast walked past us and off the scene.

"Indoctrination, not instantaneous."

"Does no one besides Blasto have a name in this thing?" I leaned towards Mordin.

"Sluggard?"

"Right. The Reaper."

"This one is the hero of the Citadel." Blasto raised one of his guns. "This one has an incendiary projectile with the councilor's name on it. Vorcha scum, prepare for death."

I shoulder checked Blasto aside. "Uh, this one is the hero of the Citadel." I had my gun ready. "I'll handle it."

"Real gun, Shepard." Mordin warned.

Blasto tentacle checked me back. "This one insists."

"This one doesn't care."

Javik started to march forward. "This one." His body started to glow. "Wishes he was still frozen in the refrigerator!" And he biotic punched the vorcha so hard he knocked him to the ground and the body rolled.

"Did you just kill that vorcha?" I pointed as if I could be referring to some other vorcha.

His face clearly asked 'so?'.

"Judging from what I could see, vorcha was nearing end of life span." Mordin assured me. "No cause for concern."

"Not really my point." I muttered.

Javik seemed to huff. "May we go now, Commander?"

I smirked. This was his idea in the first place. "Come on, I want some fried food now."

"Strike the set! Tell casting we'll need a new vorcha!" The director did a 'round it up' motion. "Prepare for Blasto 8: Blasto Cures the Genophage!"

I stopped mid-step. "The hell he just say?"

"I believe the salarian is insinuating a hanar was able to cure the genophage." Javik grunted. "Primitive among primitives."

I was about to give that director a piece of my mind, but Mordin grabbed my wrist. "Waste of time and energy." He tugged on my arm. "Fried food, yes?"

"Fine." I jabbed the elevator button. "These movies are stupid anyway."