Merry Chestnut with the Soldiers of Hope

I don't know if Mr. Kodaka did a Christmas tweet for Kotoko Utsugi (I only saw a handful of them since I didn't come on till Christmas was half over) but I thought of one for her because she loves peeled chestnuts (but she hates them whole) and it just went out of control from there until I felt like writing a ficlet. Anyway I thought about it because kuri is "chestnut" and a lot of people write "merikuri" as shortform for Merry Christmas and it reminded me of chestnut and then Kotoko and so…

(In dialog format because that's how Mr. Kodaka tweets these things. Please don't bring me up on violations for this? OK? I'll just delete the chapter if it's really that much of a problem...)

Obviously you should be familiar with Ultra Despair Girls.

(At the kid's HQ, holidayish version of their BGM playing, Servant (in santa suit with drawn on beard) is passing out a questionable plate of "traditional" Christmas food that he didn't know how to make so there's probably lots mystery ingredients)

Monaka: Yaaaaaay! Yaaaay! Monaka looooooves Christmas! (putting garland on a small tree with Kotoko)
Masaru: Yo! Watch me! (does a running jump and plants the star unceremoniously on the top of the tree) Ta-daaaah! Of course I got to put the most important part on, since I'm the Leader! HEY!
Kotoko: What? Did you say something? (giggles)
Nagisa: (not looking up from neatly tying bows) He put the star on the tree with a pole vaunt and he wants you to notice.
Monaka: But-but…. Monaka wanted to put the star on the tree….
Kotoko: Oh no! You made her cry! Please don't cry! We can't stand to see you sad!
Nagisa: N-no!
Monaka: I'm…. sorry… Monaka didn't mean to… (hic) make you sad….
Jataro: It's like peeling off a scab!
Masaru: G-geeez…. stop! Don't cry! Here! Watch me! (he jumps up and gets the star back off) See? Here. I didn't know. Just please, stop it! I never want to make you sad!
Monaka: ….. Yaaaaaaaaay! (clapping)
Kotoko: Your smile is like a fuzzy baby panda that never poops or grows up and just cuddles and acts sweet all day!
Nagisa: (breathes a sigh of relief) Let's have him assist you, so you can reach to put the star on.
Masaru: Hey you, c'mere. Your Leader's got a job for you.
Servant: Oh, me?
Monaka: Monaka wants to put the star on the top!
Kotoko: You heard the lady! Give her a boost or I'll cut off your weiner and make you eat it!
Jataro: Heh heh heh. Can I watch?
Kotoko: Eeeew! Pervert!
Servant: My shoulder is yours, mistress. (he helps Monaka onto his shoulder and lifts her up so she can put the star on at eye level)
Monaka: (puts the star on the tree and claps) Yaaaay! Monaka put the star on!
Kotoko: It's so cyoooooot~! Monaka made it so cyooot!
Masaru: It's like it's prettier now cuz she put the star on!
Monaka: (back in her chair, she turns to Nagisa) You didn't like it?
Nagisa: H-huh?
Monaka: You didn't say anything….
Nagisa: Oh er….. I like it! You did a great job….
Monaka: Really? (she moves into his personal space)
Nagisa: Y-yes… it looks splendid!
Monaka: Good! (she grabs him unexpectedly and gives him a hug)
Servant: Eheh… I guess you don't need this afterall, mistress. (he puts the mistletoe twig on his santa hat, unnoticed)
Masaru: What are ya standing around for!
Servant: You would rather me sit?
Nagisa: Stop attempts at being clever because it's a pathetic failure. Just get the snacks.
Servant: Right away.

–Minutes later–

Kotoko: What are you DOING?
Jataro: Heh. (stabbing holes in chestnuts with a craft knife) Did you know if you try to roast chestnuts without doing this first they exploooode!
"Merry Chestnut". (he offers her one)
Kotoko: Ew gross! Don't talk to me with that or I'll make your head explode like a parakeet in a microwave! I hate chestnuts!
Jataro: What? But I thought you love chestnuts!?
Kotoko: No! I love chestnuts that have been peeled. These are icky, whole chestnuts. (she throws one at him)
Jataro: Heh. Heh. Chest. Nuts.
Servant: (ducks out of the way of Kotoko trying to pummel Jataro) Here you are everyone. Roasted chestnuts. I wasn't sure how to make them so I put some nutmeg, salt, and fish oil on them. Merry Christmas~
And Merry Christmas to all you one dimensional protagonists out there.