Disclaimer: I do not now or before and most likely not in the future, own Final Fantasy, Square Enix or any of the characters.

Reviews, critiques and flames are welcome. I absolutely love all reviews about the story as it gives me motivation, I use good constructive criticism to help my writing improve and I feed the flames to the fires of my imagination.

A/N: I wrote the last part of this chapter with Cloud, (you'll know which part), to the song "Monster" by Skillet. I just think that the words go so well with what Cloud is feeling and going through. This is a build-up of emotions that he can't handle and he doesn't want to put Tifa in jeopardy so he feels it is his only recourse. Just a warning, Cloud is ooc in parts of this chapter so just go with the flow. Please enjoy.

Guest review: Yes, she is very powerful. Let me try to explain this to you as it is working in my brain. You know when you start playing a game and at the beginning you go up against the main antagonist or one of the number one cronies and they are unbeatable. All they do is knock your characters out or something while they escape to ready themselves for your next meeting. That is basically what Destiny is in this part of the story, she makes the characters doubt their ability to fight and beat her. Hope that answers some doubts about Destiny and her abilities.

Thanks to my before posting beta Queen of Jokers and my after posting beta SubZeroChimera!

"The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time." –Mark Twain

Chapter 40

Sometime during the night, Zack got up to go to the bathroom. After he stared at the person in the mirror, he glanced at the bandage on his healing knuckles. He couldn't understand how he'd let himself get sucked down into this sink hole. He'd allowed his heart to lead when it should have never been in the mix; at least not anymore.

Thinking about home and his parents. He missed and wanted to see them, but if Shinra was watching them, it would be difficult. He remembered a girl he liked back home, Chelsea. He knew that she was probably married now, but maybe he could find someone to love, someone who could love him back.

Letting out a sigh, he turned the light off and the jolting sight of a figure standing over Cloud stopped him in his tracks.

With a soft sweep of her hand across his cheek, she said, "Father, it is time," Her glorious wings unfolded and almost filled the room.

Cloud's eyes opened and he looked up at her with a twist of fear, "No. Not yet."

She bent over and swept his face into her hands, closed her eyes and moved her face closer to his. Cloud let out a painful groan and grabbed at his head. Falling back on the bed, writhing in pain silently. That was when she looked at Zack. She advanced across the room effortlessly, "You… I know you." Her head tilted a little and she raised her hand to her heart, "I'm confused, I can feel you too. Why?"

Zack's puzzled look doubled as he asked, "Do I look like I know?!" Thinking back, she was the one at the lab. Not knowing what her intentions actually were toward them in that moment, he widened his stance. Unfortunately, his sword was across the room, when he needed it most.

He didn't think he could get past her easily, but he had to try before she hurt someone. With the increase in his heart rate, the mako worked its way through his body. He could feel the soft glow in his eyes become a bright shine and his adrenaline rose to a peak. With a jump to the side, he got a solid plant of his foot on the wall and pushed himself off. In a burst of speed, he rushed around her toward his waiting sword.

A sudden and violent stop to his movement brought him to the floor on his rear. Rolling backward, and in an uncharacteristic fumble, he regained his stance, his hand held his chest where she'd pushed him to a stop. With a louder than necessary and sarcastic sounding, "Oww," Zack stared her down.

She put her hands on his shoulders and peered deeper into his eyes, "I suppose that you can go with me also."

Suddenly she was in his face and he jerked back, away from her and in his haste, he tripped and fell backwards, "Oh, goody for me…" She moved faster than he had ever seen. Sephiroth was the fastest he had ever seen and if Zack was a betting man, he would put money on the fact that she was faster.

Zack looked over to Cloud, who was no longer writhing, but still holding his head, his voice sounded like he was still in pain but he strained, "No…don't take him, he didn't have anything to do with her!"

"You promised," She paused and looked at both, "I must say that this is a bit puzzling," She held her head up, listening, "Oh… I may have acted to rashly before," Something in her tone chilled Zack's blood. What did she mean? She looked back at both of them and her eyebrows knitted together, "I need more information and I know just who to go to," Then as quickly as she appeared, she disappeared.

Zack got to his feet and went over to Cloud and helped him up, "Can you tell me now, what the hell's going on?" Cloud rubbed his temples as he went downstairs with Zack on his heels, "Are you going to talk to me?!"

Cloud drank a glass of water in a nervous manner, not from thirst, "If I tell you, I know you'll get upset with me."

"If you don't tell me I'm liable to get upset too," Zack's posture changed to a friendlier stance, he had realized that his intimidation was not helping at all, "Cloud, just tell me. It can't be that bad," Zack suddenly got apprehensive, he crossed his arms, "Can it?"

"When she touched me, all the memories that I'd been missing came back. It turns out that I remembered a lot more than I thought," With a pause to take a deep breath, Cloud continued, "Her name is Jade," Cloud went out to sit at one of the tables and leaned on the table like it he had to have it to hold him up, his head shook in disbelieving knowledge, "It started that first time that I was all coma like in the labs. I think that was the first time that I met Jenova," He took another drink, "She wanted me to… she wanted me to be a… vessel."

Zack stared at him blankly, "Huh? Vessel?"

"Yeah, sort of. I had to make a deal with Jenova. Jade was referring to the first deal I made…" Cloud paused, took another drink of water. He looked at Zack with deep pleading eyes, "She would let me wake up long enough to kill Charles, if I did what she wanted, that was the first deal I made with her."

Zack leaned in and angrily asked, "What exactly did you have to do?"

Cloud looked down and took another drink and said almost too quietly, "I have to go with her."

"What!" Zack yelled, put his hands to his head in exasperation, turned in a circle and then leaned over the table again, "Why would you do something like that Cloud?!"

Cloud stood up fast and shouted back, "I couldn't do it Zack, Jenova kept my eyes on you the whole time. I saw everything leading up to the inevitable. She was just going to let them hurt you," Cloud slammed his fist on the table, "I couldn't let Charles do to you what Davis did to me in that goddamn bathroom! I just couldn't sit by and let it happen."

Zack couldn't believe what he was hearing, "Damn it Cloud!" He didn't think he'd ever been this mad before, let alone being this angry at one of his best friends.

Cloud pointed at him and yelled louder, "You know what was going to happen! He was going to hurt you, then me, and then turn both of us back over to Hojo!" His hands pressed firmly on the table top, leaning closer Zack, "I sure as hell didn't want to go back to the lab!"

The look in Cloud's eyes were torn and angry and Zack could see that Cloud hadn't wanted to make a deal, but he could see where he was coming from. The thought of having to watch it happen and being powerless was something that he didn't think that he could do either. He had been powerless to help Cloud, so what made him think that Cloud could do it too.

Shaking his head free of those thoughts of helplessness, Zack firmly informed Cloud, "I would have thought of something, gotten away after Charles had his fun. He would have slipped up and we could have gotten away! Anything else, but making a deal with the devil?!" Zack began thinking, if the blond made a deal to wake up for that, what else did he do? Taking a step back, the irate brunette pointed at Cloud, lowered his voice and asked, "Let me ask you a question and don't you dare fucking lie to me! What was the deal you made when you woke up out there on that cliff?"

Cloud lowered his voice and his face, "I had to give her a name. That's all. That is where the name Jade came from. It wasn't just the name though, it-"

Tifa stood at the foot of the stairs, "Cloud?"

At the sound of her voice behind him, he looked over his shoulder and he very quietly asked, "How long have you been there?" Anger ruled him, fists and jaws clenched. Zack could only hang his head, hiding his face. Cloud turned quickly and looked at her and the look on his face frightened her, "HOW LONG?!"

The martial artist jumped at the volume of the usually calm blonde's voice. Zack reached out and grabbed his arm, but he jerked his arm away and disappeared into the kitchen. Tifa looked at the remaining person in the room and asked, "Zack?" Passing her to go upstairs, he just couldn't look at her. It wasn't just that she was there and heard what had happened; it was the fact that yet again, he was powerless to stop it.

When Zack reached his and Cloud's room, he already had tears welling. He splashed cool water on his face as he tried to wash them off, to rid himself of the embarrassment. The tears, the shame, the anger and the fear of what would happen, they wouldn't wash off, it was within him like a virus. It enveloped him and sank into his pores and invaded his soul. He grabbed the sides of the sink, dropped his head and cried out in anger. Falling to his knees, he sat on his feet, lowering his head to his knees, "What the hell were you thinking? Why would you make a deal with that monster?!"

He sat there for just a few minutes until he made up his mind. Getting up, he went back into the bedroom and pulled out a bag. He sat on the side of the bed and stared at the emptiness, his fear of what would be waiting for all three of them motivated him to get going. Glancing at the clock, sun up was just right around the corner and if he left now, he could be well outside the gates of Midgar by dawn.

Hastily, he got dressed and started throwing his things in the bag. He got down the stairs and paused when he heard Cloud yelling at Tifa in the kitchen until it got quiet. Turning away from the kitchen, he silently went out the front door hoping for some proverbial calm before the proverbial storm.

While Zack had gone upstairs, Cloud went and sat just outside the back door on the porch steps. His hands went to his head, getting lost in his own thoughts. All the times he was put through hell in that Shinra dungeon just swirled around him. It was like a blanket that covered him and he no longer felt like he was Cloud. He'd become a damaged man. He was still a captive and he would always be a prisoner to his memories. He sat there in his sleep pants, no shirt, no socks, but the cold didn't seem to bother him. Without looking, he asked, "What do you want Tifa?" Sounding annoyed, he did not move from his spot.

He felt as though he had no control over anything anymore. His mind, his body, everything that happened was at the will of someone else. Hojo, Zack, Sephiroth, Tifa, his mother, Alana, Aerith and now Jade. Never once did he feel that he was ever in full control of himself. He was angry that no one seemed to trust him with decisions. He was frustrated that his friends tried to help him, but only ended up telling him what to do or treating him like a kid. He was confused because of what happened with Jenova and didn't know what the repercussions would be with dealing with the nightmarish woman in his head. He was in pain because of the experiments and terrible memories that kept him held down. Would he always be a lab specimen?

"I just… Are you okay?" She reached out to his shoulder and as if sensing her hand was coming toward him, he jumped up and pushed past her, "Would you please talk to me?"

Questions, always with the questions! He could answer them, she would see then and realize his reluctance to be with her.

He got back in the kitchen and stopped at the sink. His hand brushed along the cold stainless steel sink and table. It reminded him of the operating tables in the lab, making him shudder involuntarily. Painful memories that surfaced were like a strong smell. The sickening smell of mako, mixed with the icy metal that held him close so many times. It was on him like a dangerous and obsessed lover, never letting him go, never letting him be someone else, someone who he desperately wanted to be.

Something in him snapped, he was angry; he was angry at Tifa, at himself, at Zack and he just wanted to hurt someone, anyone as badly as he hurt.

Tifa walked back in and shut the door behind her. Her early morning workout and run could wait, there was something going on and if Cloud needed her, she wanted to be there for him, "Cloud? Can you please tell me what happened? Maybe I can help," Seeing his back straighten she suddenly got scared for him. As she waited, she watched him feel the stainless steel of the sink and his entire body became rigid. Her voice was soft and she tried to hide the fact that she was scared, "Cloud?"

An eerie calm fell over him, without turning around, he calmly and quietly asked, "What do you want to know Tifa? Do you really want to know what happened?" Cloud's pause was full of tension and discomfort, but he continued, "Do you want to know that I was electrocuted incessantly for trying to escape?" He turned to look at her over his shoulder, his face twisted with pain and exasperation. Turning around, he pointed to the scars on his stomach, "Do you want to know that I was operated on while I was still awake?" The volume of his voice rose, "Do you want to know that we were experimented on and tested relentlessly in some of the most painful and frightening ways you could imagine? All of it in the name of science."

Cloud stopped, looked down to his side as he remembered something painful, then made frighteningly quick eye contact with her again, "Do you want to know that Seph and I had to watch and listen to Zack while he was tortured until he was just a bloody piece of meat hanging from the ceiling by his hands, because he helped me?" Tifa's tears wet her cheeks. He then lowered his eyes and whispered, "We always had to watch each other's punishments."

When he looked back up at her, he raised his voice louder and he took a step toward her. His eyes began to brightly, almost blindingly, glow as he slowly advanced, "Do you want to know that Jenova hijacked me and did terrible, terrifying, horrible things to me in here?" He pointed to his head and took another purposeful step toward her, his voice rose again, "Do you want to know that I was beaten and raped over and over by one of the guards who helped Hojo keep us under control?"

He paused, but then closed the distance in a blinding flash, grabbing her arms harshly. She flinched as the volume became a yell, "Does knowing all this help you?" She looked into his eyes and they were full of anger, confusion, pain and frustration. She turned her gaze away from him. She couldn't look at him anymore; it was too difficult to see the pain he was in. It was too difficult to see the man she loved act so splintered and crippled with the constant torment.

Still holding her arms, the beer cooler wobbled from the force of him shoving her into it. The cool steel chilled her back as his body pressed against hers. He moved his hands to either side of her; his palms flat against the steel door and his forehead rested on the cooler just over one of her shoulders. The feel his breath on her neck and ear sent warmth around her, while the arctic feel from his seemingly lack of mental presence and self-control alarmed her. She wondered what his past pain would do to her.

His breaths were heavy and she could feel his heart beating in a burdensome rate. She was barely able to peer over his shoulder to the kitchen door and she thought about making a run for it. However, remembering when he had kicked her while he was choking reminded her of his increased strength and speed. She was frightened, but didn't try to move, she worked on keeping her breaths and panic under control. Just as she thought that her fear got controlled, the muscles in his shoulders and arms tensed. It sent another shiver down her spine and the hairs on the back of her neck stood up and announced her distress and unease from her current situation.

A little louder than a whisper, "Cloud, you're scaring me." Without moving his hands, he smelled of her hair, she closed her eyes and a few tears fell as she turned her face away. Running his lips up from her shoulder, toward the side of her face, his breathing had slowed and the feel of his smaller breaths tickled her skin lightly. His lips were soft, as he slowly and idly moved them across her cheek. Taking her chin in his fingers, he tilted her chin to turn her face back to him and she fought the rough kiss, but he just pressed into her harder. She gripped at his ribs trying to push him away, however, he was solid in place, unmoving unless it was by his own command.

When she stopped fighting and eventually kissed him back, his hand went from her face to her waist. His hand groped harshly at the muscles that surrounded her body. Her body tensed and the look in his eyes was not what she remembered of him. It was different; it was harder, wounded and ferocious. Moving her over to the counter, he leaned her into it and the edge of the cold steel counter top dug into her back. Her harsh inhale marked her as his target when he looked at her with predatory intent.

When he reached down to the bottom of her shirt, he liberated her from the layer of cloth between them. She tried to move away from him, but only ended up scooting further on to the food prep table. He leaned over her, positioning himself between her thighs. His arms went around her and his nails scratched at the skin on her back. A low guttural growl from him stopped her from trying to wiggle away. In her fear, she had unconsciously surrendered herself to him.

She slowly moved her hands to the back of his head and she let out a soft moan in the pleasure of him touching her. His kisses went down to her stomach, biting at her skin. Wincing and hissing from the pain of the bites, she then heard the material of her sweat pants rip as he tore them off. He gritted his teeth and went back to her neck and got a handful of her hair and pulled back hard enough to elicit a yell from her, "Cloud!" His lips grazed across her chest and neck. The feel of his hot breath on her body sent a shiver through her.

Suddenly he stopped and looked at her face; his eyes still burned with furious cobalt energy. He still held a handful of her hair and in a quiet but stern tone he asked, "Is this what you want Tifa? This is me. This is what I am now." He paused and studied her face, then moved close enough so that his lips swept across her cheek as he talked, "I. Am. Broken… I'm a monster and I always will be. Do you still want me now?" Pausing again, he stared at her face before he let go of her hair and lightly pushed her away from him. Slamming his hands into the door, it crashed into the wall and swung closed with a whoosh.

She slid off the counter, in her panties and bra as she tried to wrap her head around what just happened. She looked down at the pile of clothes, her torn sweats and shirt lay in a heap. Picking them all up, she headed up the stairs to face him. She had something to say to him and it couldn't wait. It wouldn't wait. He had complete control of himself and chose not to hurt her or go any farther than they did. The control he wanted was within his reach, he just didn't know it. Maybe if she gave him something to hold on to, a decision he could control right then.

She went upstairs and firmly knocked on his bedroom door. When Cloud opened the door and peered from around the back of the door, looking less agitated and his eyes were calmer now. She was going to give him a choice, her or his loneliness. Telling him exactly what she thought, always thought of him could jar him enough to get him out of his head and finally live.

"Yes, I want you. Whether you're broken, damaged, crazy, mean, quiet, a monster or a saint. I want you. I have always wanted you. You may be trying to push me away because you don't want me to get hurt. Well guess what, it hurts me to see you hurting and I can't do anything about it! Now the question for you is, what are you going to do about it?" She saw a flicker of thought cross his face.

He stepped from behind the door and took her hand to pull her into his arms. The kiss was raw and full of untamed sexual energy. She was surprised at his more controlled aggressiveness. It fanned the flame in her heart, the place that Cloud would always be welcome…

…A little light came through the window that seeped through the plate above. Tifa lay there beside him, breathing softly, while she slept peacefully. He rolled over to his side and propped the side of his head up in his hand. With his fingers, he tenderly and slowly traced her shape over the covers. He smiled at her soft skin, stern attitude and the way she soothed his bruised and skinned heart. Softly brushing his fingers through her long chocolate-brown hair, he was unable to hide his smile.

When the phone rang, she jerked her head and sat up. She looked over at him smiling at her and she smiled back as she leaned over to him and said between kisses, "Let the answering machine get it."

He smiled as he wrapped one of her legs around his waist and rolled her to her back, he smiled and slowly said, "Absolutely."

Zack was making good time and he could see the gates just ahead. He had to get out of there. Too many memories, too much pain; that was all Midgar had become to him anymore. Once he got outside the gate, he could catch a ride and get to the nearest town. His bag seemed heavier somehow. That was when he realized that he didn't have his sword, "Damn it!" He stopped where he was and debated, 'Do I really need it that badly? Of course I do, Angeal gave me that. What if I get attacked, I would wish I had it then.'

Having only been walking for a little while, he could sneak in, get his sword and sneak back out without anyone knowing. Cloud would probably be asleep and hopefully Tifa would be busy in the kitchen or something. The sun was coming up and the light shown from above the plate. Walking faster than before, he worked at getting there as fast as possible. When he started to run, the bag bounced on his back and urgency became his priority at that moment. When the bar came into sight, he slowed and approached the door, took a deep breath before entering.

It was quiet, but then he heard the phone ring, "Shit!" he whispered to himself. Beginning to walk up the stairs, he heard the answering machine kick on. The thought came to him that maybe they weren't there. Where were they? Maybe they were out looking for him or something. Well then again, Tifa was probably out on her run, so that left Cloud. A rise of concern rose in his gut when he saw something in the middle of the hall floor. The clothing was ripped and his concern changed to panic when he saw that it was Tifa's. He had to get Cloud, maybe something happened while he was gone, but first he needed his sword, which was in his and Cloud's room.

In a hurry, he opened the door and just as quickly stopped in startled awe and yelled, "Oh shit! Sorry!" Zack quickly shut the door. He stood in the hall, staring at the door, shocked at the sight he'd just seen. Blinking a few times, trying to get the image of his best friend and Tifa out before it seared itself into his brain, but it was too late, the picture was there to stay. However he still whispered to himself as he did a fist pump, "Alright Spike!" He walked down the stairs and let out a sigh, "It took you long enough."

He would have to get his sword later; he could always sneak away some other time, the sooner the better. Walking into the kitchen to make some coffee, the phone rang again and it went to the answering machine, but the caller hung up. When he looked at the machine, it had a message already on it. Zack wondered out loud, "I wonder who would be calling this early in the morning?" Sticking a donut stick in his mouth, he hit the button to play the message while he waited for the coffee to brew.

A/N: Thanks to everyone who reads, favorites, subscribes and/or reviews, I appreciate your time and I dedicate all of this to you. To quote another author, "Getting reviews makes me feel all warm and squishy."

Please send me your reviews if you want. It is really easy. Just click your arrow in the little box, write what you thought or felt about the chapter and then click right down there, just below the box. A little lower… a little to the right… yeah, right there! Click it! *grinning*