She's not dead...
Sayori's not dead...
...
This is CJ. I guess I should tell you that, now. Now that she's found out, that is. About this, I mean. This whole thing where I can get words out, and stuff. God, I sound stiff. I guess I am a little stiff. After all, we're in uncharted territory here. And when your life's been all the same for this long, you get a little stiff when new stuff happens.
But...
Sayori's okay (is she really? is she really okay? can you call this okay? at all?). She's not dead. She isn't happy, but she's not dead. I don't know why (oh, yes i do, yes i do know why, and oh, god it might be worse than if she were dead). But she's alive.
I'm stable now. At least, more than I was before... I have something to live for now. I didn't before.
But I should admit, I really have no idea what's going on, or what I should do from here, or if I've done what I should've leading up to now, or... god... I can feel her, in this house. Sayori's house. There's three people in it now. Me. Sayori. And her. I let her in. I was so scared to...
Because she's hurt her before...
And that's worse than anything else...
Sayori's the best of them. The way she smiles (even though it's usually not real), the way she laughs (see above), the way she talks. And the way she feels in my arms. She cares about me, and I care about her. And although I've tried with the others, it never works as well as with her (well, it certainly didn't fucking work with her, i just felt better).
I was scared to let Monika in. I knew she'd be coming. I barricaded the door and stood in front of it. I wasn't going to let her in.
Because, you know, there's this... look... that she gets in her eye. When she gets ready to use her fucking god powers, or whatever, and... get rid of... Nat. Yuri was already taken care of, I suppose. And I knew, just knew, in the bottom of my heart, that I was going to see that look again when she showed up. So I steeled my (weak, oh, so very weak) nerves, and stood as best I could to stop her.
But then...
But then she showed up...
And for the first time ever, she didn't know what to do... I could see it in her eye. Indecision. I'd never seen that before. She always seemed so confident in everything she did, but not this. Sayori was asleep then. She's been asleep for a while now, and the first time I've left her room is to write this. Interesting priorities, I know, but, what else do I do?
She did try. To, you know, kill herself again... but this time she didn't go through with it... when I got here, she was a mess, on the floor, sobbing her eyes out. And when I saw her, I was sobbing, too. Both of us, on the floor, sobbing, while the circle of death swung overhead. A sight to behold, truly.
God, I hope nothing goes wrong... I hope Monika lets this happen...
I hope...
I hope that I can finally see her with a reason to be happy...
And I hope that I can be that reason...
...
...
...
So Sayori made it through the night just fine. Thank god.
I don't know what I should do next. Monika's starting to get a strange look in her eye, one I haven't seen before (thinking up a new way to take her away from me, i'm sure). I might talk to her soon. I think I'll have to, just to find out what she's thinking. If she wants Sayori dead still (oh, she does, she always has...), then I need to get her away as fast as possible. Monika wants me to want her, which might just give me a little leverage in protecting Sayori. Then again, that's just what I think. It's possible that she doesn't care anymore, that she's slipped entirely away from this reality.
Maybe...
Oh god...
Maybe she's sunk down so far that she's not even human anymore...
(or, even worse, she's become human - the instinctive, guttural animal we all are on the inside while our frontal lobe pretends to be a conscience...)
I'll do it soon... I'll confront Monika. I can take her on, I know I can. I have before, so many times. For some reason, whenever I need it most, she just... vanishes. Maybe it'll work again this time...
But maybe I won't need any of that. Maybe she's changed; realized that what she's done has been wrong.
After all, anyone can change, can't they?
(oh, anyone can change, anyone at alllllll... i can change, too. i can fall riiiight off this edge right here, the oh-so-fragile cliff we call sanity. there's just one thing keeping me here. and it just woke up.)