A/N: Okay, so I know I've been lacking – a lot – and I'm sorry. Life's been hectic, especially since I went up north for a couple of weeks because my mother in law had surgery on her foot and couldn't get around by herself, and my sister in law (who literally lives five freaking minutes away) had better things to do. The next chapter is almost done. I got it back from the beta earlier today and I need to change a few things before I can post it, but I'm super tired and need my bed. I've been up since one AM and need sleep. The next chapter should be up *crosses fingers* I'd say by tomorrow or the day after.
Please read & reviews. Reviews are what keeps me going.
"I told him not to leave her alone, Elena," Elijah said calmly into the phone. To someone who didn't know him very well, they'd think he was perfectly calm, but Elena knew better. He was pissed, and the next time Damon saw him, they were going to have a not so pleasant talk, "I told Damon to keep an eye on her."
"He's new at this, Elijah. We've been dealing with it for years, while Damon just came into the picture. He doesn't know the signs quite yet. He'll learn."
"What if she really cut something? You and I both know that Caroline has a hard time dealing with her emotions – especially negative ones. That's why the cutting started in the first place."
"I know, but Damon is going to feel bad enough as it is. He doesn't need a guilt trip lecture from Caroline's big brothers, okay? I'll deal with it, but you might want to get someone over here. If she's going to be thinking about cutting again right now, she can't be left alone."
"Is Damon with her right now?"
Elena nodded, even though she knew Elijah couldn't see her, "Yes. But Damon can't be with her all the time, you know, and he's got a business to run."
"I'll talk to Niklaus," Elijah offered after a moment. "He's got a special bond with Caroline."
"Klaus is going to be so pissed," Elena said to no one but herself, and she heard Elijah snort.
"Don't worry about it, Elena. I'll talk to him."
"Not just that," Elena said after a moment. "Caroline is going to be pissed, too. We're talking about her like she's a child."
"I know you're in an awkward place, you being Caroline's best friend and everything, but you have to agree with me, Elena. Caroline needs someone to make sure she's okay. She's emotionally distraught after seeing Tyler. I know what he did to her and he'll get what's coming to him."
"You know, when you say things like that, it kind of makes me worry."
Elijah laughed, saying, "Look, I'll talk to Niklaus. You just make sure she's okay until he can get there, okay? She might not be happy about this whole thing, but at least she'll be alive in the morning, and that's all that matters. I'm pretty sure you can agree with me on that fact."
Elena hung up with Elijah and looked at Stefan. She saw the look on his face and immediately sighed and ran a hand over face, "You think Caroline is crazy."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Admit it, Stefan. Caroline is emotionally unstable. She's been through hell, but those sleeping pills that she takes are supposed to help at least a little."
"Sleeping pills?"
Elena sighed, "Don't tell Damon, okay? I want Caroline to be able to tell him when she feels the time is right, but she takes sleeping pills. They were prescribed to her by a psychiatrist, and they have an anti-depressant in them. They help her sleep at night, because she has really vivid nightmares and even night terrors sometimes, but they were prescribed to her mostly because she is emotionally unstable. She's usually very serious, but she ran into someone today. Elijah told me it was Tyler, and true to form, Tyler said something to get Caroline riled up. She's been through a lot."
"I know," Stefan said.
"I mean, I just want her to be happy. I want nothing more than for Caroline to beat everything she's ever been through. I want her to be a survivor – and she really is – but there's more to being a survivor than just surviving. One of the things that Caroline has a hard time with is moving on." Elena laughed. "I know it sounds confusing, but I know what I meant."
"I do too, Elena. I get it."
-x-
When Caroline woke up the next morning, her head was throbbing. She briefly recalled her attempt to cut herself, but remembered what she said to Damon. Every word she said to him had been true, however. She mentally slapped herself at that moment – she might as well have told him she loved him. He was her reason not to cut, and he was going to think that she was professing her love to him. Maybe she did feel that strongly about him – but she didn't want him to know that. She groaned.
"I've been waiting for you to wake up," came a voice, and Caroline's gaze wandered over to the armchair in the corner of the room, where she saw Klaus.
"Goddamn it Elena," Caroline muttered. "She called you, didn't she?"
"She called Elijah. I have to say how hurt I was that she decided to confide in Elijah instead of myself."
"I don't want to go over this again, Nik," Caroline groaned. "Yes, I tried to cut myself. But you know what? I can't. I cannot bring myself to cut myself, and it's all Damon's fault. So you don't have to sit around and babysit me; I can handle this myself."
"How is it Damon's fault?"
"He's giving me something to live for."
"Did you say that to him?"
"Look, I was angry and it kind of just slipped out. I didn't mean to say it – you know how I am about that kind of thing."
"How did he handle it?"
"Fine. He was sweet and understanding, et cetera, et cetera," Caroline answered, not really wanting to talk to Klaus about this whole thing. "And after my run in with Tyler yesterday –"
"I heard that from Elijah, too. I'm kind of hurt that you didn't come to me after it happened – I would love to do something about him."
"Look, Nik, out of all you guys, Elijah is the one with the most level head. Besides, after my words with Damon –"
"Which Elijah also told me about –"
"- I really didn't want to come to you. You were at the shop and so was Mother, and I didn't want you guys to judge Damon too harshly. He reacted without thinking. I was angry that he didn't let me deal with Tyler myself, and I guess, for the most part, I had no right to be. After all, he did help me."
"Well, doesn't matter. For my piece of mind, not to mention Mother's, I promised her that I'd spend a few days with you. And with Tyler being here in town, we just want to make sure that he doesn't try anything with you. This is why you have me around in the shop, isn't it? In case you need protecting?"
"Fine."
"Really?" Klaus asked, surprised. "I figured it'd take a little more to convince you."
Caroline rolled her eyes, "Please, Nik. You knew the moment you brought Mother into it, I'd agree."
"I guess you caught me. I had Elena call those girls so you could do measurements, blah blah blah, here. There's no way in hell you're going to do all that stuff at the Lockwood mansion, not with Tyler being here. So why don't you get up and get a shower so you can take care of those girls when they show up in a couple of hours."
-x-
Caroline spent a little more time in the bathroom than necessary, just looking at herself in the mirror. Part of her was mortified about her lapse in judgment – she wanted people to see that she was not pathetic, but she knew they'd look at her differently. There was nothing that bothered Caroline more than that sympathetic look people would give her whenever she went through something terrible. She hated that most people would feel badly for her, but didn't know what to say, so they didn't say anything.
Caroline sighed deeply before glancing down at the scars on her wrists. She thought back over her life and the reason that she cut in the first place. After all the hurt and heartbreak that she had known for the five years before she found the Mikaelsons had really messed with her. She had felt so much pain that she needed to do something – anything. The cutting made things better. It was a way for her to express her aggression and not hurt anyone – other than herself. But she didn't care about herself. She knew what she could handle. There were so many times in foster care that she thought she wasn't going to survive, and then there were times that she thought about just crawling into a hole and dying. But last night it was different. She wanted nothing more than to cut herself last night, to get rid of the internal turmoil she was feeling, but she thought of Damon and couldn't do it.
"I'm not going to say that pain isn't going to be there, but I want to be there for you, Caroline. When the going gets tough, come to me. I can't promise that I'll be the best man all the time, but I can promise that I'll try. I will fucking try, Caroline. Please believe that."
Those words were in her head. She remembered him saying them, and she couldn't get them out of her head when she had the knife pressed to her flesh. She wasn't sure why, but they were swirling in her head and she couldn't get them out. There were things about Damon that she absolutely loved, although she would never admit it to him – at least, not yet. When she had told him about things she had been through, he looked absolutely horrified. Even the first time she had opened up to him, when they were drinking after the Carol Lockwood fiasco, and she had told him that Esther wasn't able to adopt her because she had been deemed "unadoptable", he looked extremely angry.
Her thoughts about Damon were cut short by a knock on the bathroom door, "Hey Care? You okay?"
Of course. Of fucking course it was Klaus, checking up on her. She opened the door and looked at him.
"I was just making sure you didn't drown yourself," he said, trying to lighten the mood, but she scowled at him.
"Look Caroline, I know you're not too happy with us right now, but we're doing this to help you. We love you and we don't like it when you don't care about yourself."
"I care about myself just fine, Nik," she answered, sighing deeply.
"No, you don't. If you cared anything about yourself you wouldn't cut yourself like this. I mean look," Klaus said, grabbing her arm. "Look at these marks. Do you think someone who cared about themselves at all would cut themselves like that?"
He was being tough, and he knew it, but he was trying to get a message through. Caroline had cut herself for years before anyone caught on, and there were several years in-between the times she had done it, but most of the time Klaus would try to be nice about it. He was done being nice. "You are relapsing, Caroline. You need to find a better outlet for your anger."
"I wasn't angry, Nik!" She pulled her arm out of his grasp. "I wasn't angry," she repeated, calming her temper. "I don't know what the hell I was thinking, okay? I was feeling a bunch of different emotions at the same time and I was so…I was so fucking aggravated that I needed to do something. I'm sorry that I have a hard time dealing with my emotions."
"We're just looking out for you, Care," Klaus said, and Caroline sighed dramatically.
"I know, but…just ugh!" she exclaimed, leaving the room. She ran down the stairs and left the boarding house, slamming the door in the process. She wasn't sure where the hell she was going, but she just needed to get out of there – at least, for now. She had walked almost a mile when she heard footsteps behind her. A normal person wouldn't hear it, but after everything that Caroline had been through, she had become pretty perceptive. She looked back and saw Elena chasing after her.
"Good God, just leave me alone!" she screamed. Caroline stopped walking because she knew that she couldn't outrun Elena. Elena walked up to Caroline and wrapped her arms around her friend, hugging her. Caroline was fighting her, but after a moment, with tears streaming down her face, she gave in and hugged Elena back.
"Shh, Caroline, it's okay," Elena whispered to her, stroking her hair. "You're going to be okay."
The hug lasted a few moments with Caroline crying on her best friend's shoulder, and then they pulled apart. Elena wiped a tear away from Caroline's eye, "I know you're hurting right now, Care. I know you're probably feeling a clusterfuck of emotions right now. I get it. Tyler's a son of a bitch who hurt you more than anybody's ever hurt you, and he's got this hold over you. You're scared of him, and I get it. You have every right to be terrified of him, after everything he did to you. You have to understand, though, we want what's best for you."
Caroline pulled herself out of Elena's embrace and just watched her, "God, Elena, all this emotion, it fucking hurts. I don't know how to not pay attention to it. I feel it, Elena, and I don't know what to do because of it."
"You take it one day at a time, Care. It's what you've always done. Your life has been difficult, it's true, but Caroline, you've done something that nobody expected."
"And what's that?"
"You survived. You took everything everybody dished out to you, and you're stronger because of it. Tyler tried to break you, and he didn't succeed. Everybody in foster care set you up to fail, but you didn't, did you? You didn't fail. You survived. You may have battle scars because of it, but that doesn't matter. You're still here, and very strong. They didn't squash the fire that you have inside of you – if anything, they just made it stronger."
"I would've done anything to have a different life, Elena," Caroline said, voicing something that she'd never said out loud before. "I mean, I know all my heartbreak and stuff has made me who I am today, and I like who I am, but I don't have any normal experiences. All I know is hurt and I just…I don't know what it's like to be normal."
Elena reached over and pulled her friend in for another hug, "No matter what, Caroline, you are my sister. We are family. The bond we have is too strong for you to be anything else."
When they pulled away from their hug, Elena said, "Damon and Klaus are waiting for us. The girls have arrived and you need to get those dresses started."
Caroline's eyes widened, "I just…I don't want to go back, Elena." She was practically whining now. "I haven't seen Damon last night, and…oh God, he must think that I'm some psycho or something."
"He doesn't, Care," Elena said soothingly. "In fact, he was more worried about you than anything."
"I bet you guys were up all night, just discussing me," Caroline said. Elena wasn't sure if she meant to sound annoyed and irritable, but she decided to just go with it.
"We weren't. After Damon went up to check on you, he didn't come down at all. I mean, I discussed things with Elijah and Stefan, but Damon didn't have anything to do with that. I promise you that."
Caroline knew Elena was serious. If there was one thing that totally described Elena, it was that when she promised or swore something, she never went back on her word, not ever. But Caroline was still a little hesitant about going back and facing Damon.
"If you discussed this with Stefan, he's going to think I'm some kind of psycho, too!" Caroline was starting to panic. "Oh God, they both are going to think –"
"Listen to me, Caroline Forbes," Elena said, taking her friend by the shoulders and looking into her eyes. "You have a hard time dealing with your emotions. You put on a brave face for the world, not letting anybody know what's bothering you. How is anybody supposed to help you when they don't know what's wrong?"
Caroline made a face, "I shouldn't need the help. I should buck up and take care of myself."
Elena shook her head, "No, Care. Everyone needs help at one point or another. I know that you are independent, but don't be so proud that you don't take help from anyone. We all love you and want what's best for you."
Caroline sighed, "Are you sure?"
Elena nodded, "I am positive. You are surrounded by people who care. You can always rely on us, I can promise you that."
With that, Caroline followed Elena back to the boarding house.
-x-
Caroline could've just done the measuring and everything in one day, she realized after the girls were gone, but decided that she was going to stay in Mystic Falls anyway to spend time with Bonnie. She hadn't spent much time with her since she moved to Richmond and she wanted to get close to her again. So, with Klaus right behind her, she walked up the path to the Gilbert house. When she knocked on the door, Bonnie answered it, and Caroline broke out into a big grin.
"It's been a while," Caroline said, after Bonnie moved aside so she and Klaus could get in. They went to sit in the living room.
"I know. I thought we could do a movie night." Bonnie looked at Klaus, "You'd probably hate it. We're just going to watch sappy movies."
Klaus nodded, and Caroline looked at Bonnie, "What's Jeremy doing tonight?"
"He said something about meeting Matt at the Grill."
"You should go," Caroline said to Klaus. "I mean, you don't have to hang with Jeremy and Matt, but you should go and get a drink. It'd be good for you."
"I'm supposed to be here –"
"To protect me," Caroline finished for him. "I know. But am I going to be able to hurt myself in front of Bonnie? I don't do that, and you know it."
"Fine," Klaus finally agreed reluctantly. "I'll go. I'll be back later, though."
"Thank you," Caroline said as Klaus left. Bonnie raised an eyebrow, but didn't say anything.
"You don't have to look at me like that, Bonnie Bennett," Caroline said, noting the look on her friend's face. "I know what you're thinking."
Bonnie cocked her head to the side, "So tell me what I'm thinking."
"You're thinking that I solved the cutting problem years ago. You're thinking that I'm a psycho for even attempting it again."
"That is not what I was thinking, for your information. I was wondering why Klaus showed up with you."
Caroline sighed and told Bonnie about the night before. She told her everything, from seeing Tyler at Maria's, to going to the boarding house and having dinner, to Damon walking in to find a knife pressed to her leg. Bonnie's eyes grew wide and she gasped as Caroline finished her story.
"Wow, Care. Why?"
"Well, because I was emotionally distraught," Caroline answered truthfully. "Besides that, whenever I go through things like this, it makes me feel almost numb. I cut to feel again. It helps me."
"Aren't you ever afraid you're going to cut too deep? You could bleed to death."
"I never cut very deep," Caroline said. "It's to ease emotional pressure. I know what I'm doing."
"That's what a lot of people say, Care. I mean, isn't that why people turn to drugs and alcohol, isn't it? And people die from drug overdoses and alcoholism every day."
"That's beside the point, Bon. The point is that I can't cut anymore. Damon said something to me weeks ago at my mother's, and it's in my head. I just can't seem to get it out."
"So, you and Damon, huh?" Bonnie looked slightly amused. "How the hell did that happen?"
Caroline smiled, "With his persistence, and maybe a little push from Rose and Elena."
"You know Rose? As in Damon's ex?"
Her eyes grew wide, "Does everybody know about that?"
"You don't live in Mystic Falls, Care," Bonnie said with a shrug. She got up and grabbed a couple of bottles of water out of the fridge, handing one to Caroline. "Everybody knows about Damon, and he gives the town a lot to gossip about."
"Not anymore, though…right?"
Bonnie smiled, "No, not anymore, although people are talking about you and him quite a bit. You've done the impossible, Care."
"And what's that?"
"You made him feel again. After everything happened between him and Katherine, he shut everything off. He hid behind sarcasm and alcohol. The only people who even recognized how hurt he was were me, Elena and Stefan. But there's something about you."
"There's something about him, too," Caroline replied, smiling. "I don't know, Bon…he's amazing. I mean, really. And he fits in so nicely with my family – well, everybody but Nik, but he barely gets along with anyone."
"You're his little sister, Care," Bonnie said. "I'm sure that you mean a lot to him, just like he means a lot to you."
"He does, Bon," Caroline answered. "In fact, I'd do absolutely anything for him."