Author's Soundtrack:

So Close (feat. Arnor Dan) by Olafur Arnalds

Chapter Twenty One

She was drowning.

Water filled her lungs with each desperate gasp of breath. The frigid torrents poured into her until there was no space left for air. Heaviness settled into her limbs and pulled her deeper into the abyss. Still, she fought for breath, struggling to the reach the surface, to feel the gentle brush of wind on her face and the bittersweet burning of air touching her lungs. But no relief came. As her vision began to fade, black clouds lining her vision, she could see emotionless orbs of ochre watching with morbid fascination, lips curved in mild amusement, and she knew there was no escape.

There was no escape, and she let the darkness take her completely.

Slowly, Rukia opened her eyes. The darkness still surrounded her, and for a brief moment, fear gripped her. She was back in her cell, chained to the floor, discarded until there was another appalling idea that popped into his head.

A warm hand grasped her own tightly, the strong fingers gripping her firmly as if to hold on to her, to pull her from the depths. Taking a slow and steady breath, she focused on that warmth and let it spread over her, chasing away the chills of her nightmare. Silently, she reminded herself where she was, who she was with, repeating the facts like a life-saving mantra, and clutched at the anchor that was now her sanity.

Ichigo had been ready to leave, to give her space, solitude, but she didn't want them. Every time she woke up and she was alone, the nightmares hounded her until someone came and turned on a light, but in those moments before someone arrived, she was back in that place, lost once again.

She hadn't told him about the hauntings, the terror that gripped her in the darkness, but she didn't have to.

When she held onto him, kept him from leaving, he understood and stayed without question.

Sitting in one of the chairs, he remained by her bedside, watching over her until she fell asleep. If she woke up, he was there, ready and waiting to remind her that she was safe, that he was there for her. The first time she woke up screaming he was there for her immediately, offering her the comfort of his strong arms and steady heartbeat. Whispering soothing words to her until she stopped shaking. When she fell asleep, he was holding her hand, giving her a smile that was both sad and supportive. He would stay with her and be there when she woke, that was the promise he made to her.

His presence didn't stop the nightmares. Every time she closed her eyes she still died. Every time she woke she was still panicked. But the remnant sensations didn't cling to her so tightly.

Curling herself around their joined hands, the phantoms began to vanish and breathing became easier. After a moment, she looked up into his stilling sleeping face, studying his stoic features in the dimmed moonlight. He looked surprisingly peace, and she was grateful she hadn't jolted him awake again.

He was so young and was taking on so much. It was wrong of her to take advantage of him, to rely so heavily on him when he had enough of his own problems to deal with. But without him, she was certain she would lose what little of herself remained.

Her fingertips explored his palm, traveling down his wrist where she felt his pulse, slow with sleep. When this was all over, she swore to release him. Though he was no longer duty bound to her, she knew that in some ways he was still honor bound. Friendship or no, she knew he felt some kind of obligation towards her. After Aizen's death, she would assure him he could move on with his life without having to worry about her. His sisters still needed him.

Pressing his hand to her ear, she listened to the comforting rhythm of his heart. Slow. Solid. Sure.

Real.

Taking a deep breath, she timed her breathing his is. In. Out. It was almost enough to lull her back to sleep.

Almost.

Knowing what waited for her behind closed eyes was enough to keep her awake. Instead, she would plan. Without the sedatives, she could feel her powers creeping in the corners of her mind. They tried to save her once before, perhaps there was a way for them to work together and end this once and for all. Starrk's people had been spotted in the area. Perhaps he would still be willing to train her. But with the CAC watching their every move, making contact at this point wasn't a good idea. They would need to wait. Until that time, she would continue to evaluate her powers on her own.

First, she would need to make a connection with them. Up until now, they only manifested on their own. Was it possible for her to summon them on her own?

More experimentation was needed.

A deep chill ran through her. Without a doubt, given more time, Aizen would have certainly turned his attention to her abilities. He'd done little to hide his curiosity, his hums of intrigue loud enough for her to hear, even in her drug-induced state. What were the limits? Were the abilities different depending on the person? Could someone outside the family line receive them - even if temporary? How powerful were they? Were there any side effects? Did their potency-

Her mind seized and she was leaning over the other side of the bed in an instant.

Thankfully, she didn't miss the bin this time. Reaching for a tissue from the nightstand, she wiped her mouth and cursed quietly. Thinking like him - it was too much.

The mattress dipped and a hand rubbed soothing circles on her back. The heat of his touch seeped through her shirt and helped calm her.

"You all right?"

Scoffing in irritation, she climbed out of bed and went to the bathroom. As she washed her mouth out, she scolded herself. He was only worried about her, and yet she responded by sniping at and mocking him. What was the point in hiding behind a wall of anger? He had seen her grief, seen her weak and exposed. What could would striking out at him do?

Leaning on the sink, she studied her appearance in the mirror. There was nothing different. She wasn't thin, there were no circles, no wrinkles, no scars. Her healing hid everything that had been done.

Why couldn't she recover from this like her body? It should have been easy. What was this, if not just another dark chapter in her life? Turning the page should be simple enough, and yet, she was stuck, trapped in this one spot in her life like there was nothing else.

Scowling in disgust at her weakness, she turned away from the mirror and headed back into the room. Ichigo was sitting on the bed, watching her carefully.

"What?" Standing hesitantly in the doorway, she eyed him suspiciously. She hated the way he was looking at her. She felt bare, like all of her was laid out for him to see, nothing hidden.

And she had so much to hide.

Shaking his head, he slid off the bed and approached her, stopping when he was standing directly in front of her. Anxious, her eyes searched the room for something else to focus on, lest he see the truth of her atrocities in her eyes. She would need to tell him eventually. She couldn't live her life keeping this to herself, but right now it was too soon. Now that she was slowly climbing out of the depths, she couldn't bear to lose the last of her grip.

Gently, he caressed a stray piece of hair before tucking it behind her ear.

"I know it's too soon," he began cautiously, "the wounds too fresh, but I want you to know you can talk to me. I'm probably far from the best choice. I don't know if I can help you or offer you any sort of advice, but I'll listen." His fingers brushed the skin under her chin, tipping her head up and forcing her to look at him. "To anything."

Almost.

She almost spilled it all out on the floor along with her heart. Thankfully, she managed to keep it together. Instead, she gave him a small smile of appreciation, reaching up and clasping his hand.

"For now, this is all I need."

She could read the disappointment in his eyes, the doubt that lingered there, but he didn't push.

God she was being unfair.

Taking her hand, he pulled her back to the bed, tucking the sheets around her and sitting back in his chair. She could feel the distance she had created and she hated it. She missed that warmth he had provided like a drug. Holding out her hand, she waited for him to take it again.

He did so without hesitation, giving it a gentle squeeze.

But it wasn't enough. The warmth didn't spread beyond her hand, and she felt the chill settle in her bones. She'd grown spoiled and wanted more, but she needed to draw a line somewhere. Eventually, she would need to detach herself from him. If she continued to rely too heavily on him, she would never be able to let him go. This would be enough. She would make sure of it.

"I'm sorry."

His words were followed by his grip tightening on her hand. There was no feigning confusion. What else could he possibly have to apologize for? Looking up, she stared into deep pools of honey, seeing a mixture of emotions eating away at him. She may have suffered the worst of it, but she wasn't the only one affected by what happened.

"The one to blame is Aizen. No you," she told him sternly. "You did what you could. I certainly didn't help matters."

The words sounded more hollow than she wanted, a band-aid on a gaping wound, but it was the truth. Ichigo couldn't have stopped Kaien, predicted Aizen's every move. Those who had nearly 200 years on him hadn't seen it, even when it stared them in the face. But she understood how he felt, the responsibility for their actions. It was too much, especially for him.

"It doesn't matter. I should have stopped him." Through clenched teeth, he shifted his gaze from her eyes to her neck. The memory was barely there, but she recalled the feeling of Kaien taking hold of her head and twisting, the slight pop and snap of her neck breaking. It was a small moment of pain, buried under a mountain of other calamities, but it had been the lynchpin. "He still took you. Still hurt you."

Resting on her elbow, she reached out and touched his cheek. "You did what you could, and as quickly as you could."

"It wasn't fast enough."

"No," she admitted, her tone dipping. "It wasn't."

The words hurt, she could see it in his eyes as they refocused on her face. The pained gaze was like a stab to the heart with a murderous twist. Sitting upright, she brought her other hand to his cheek, framing his face and pulling it towards hers. Pressing their foreheads together, she kept her eyes locked with his. Since the beginning, they had stumbled through the chaos and tragedy together, and they would continue that way until it was finished.

"You came for me. That's what matters."

"But-"

It was stupid and rash, but she reacted instinctively, pressing her lips to his and silencing his argument.

Saying it was a random impulse would be a lie. It was a feeling she had dismissed for quite some time, knowing it couldn't last. When the things that bound them together were gone, they would drift apart, just like with Ashido.

When he did nothing, she knew she had crossed another line. He knew the limits of their relationship and didn't dare press forward. It stung, but it was for the best.

Regret sinking in, she broke the kiss, releasing her hold on his face and considering what type of excuse to come up with. Perhaps simply telling him it was to shut him up would suffice.

But Ichigo curled his fingers around the back of her neck and pulled her to him, capturing her lips with his. Her kiss had been a simple thing, stiff and awkward, but Ichigo's? His lips moved with desperate passion intent on conquering. He was claiming her as his own, caressing and feeling as if there would be no other opportunity as if this was their last moment on Earth. And she met him with the same fervor.

When his hands slipped beneath her shirt and skimmed deliciously up her back, she gasped with pleasure, only to have it muffled as he reclaimed her lips.

It was wrong. He didn't know everything, and once he did she knew he would hate her. He would feel deceived, and she couldn't blame him. Perhaps that was why she clung so desperately to him, embraced him and his exploratory lips without further consideration. She would take what he would give her before he was no longer her's to have.

A solid knock on the door drew them both to a halting stop. His hands were achingly perched on her hips, her own dangerously close to the hem of his pants. Her heart was pounding in her chest, ready to burst from anticipation and dread, but another knock made it impossible to continue.

A displeased grumble rumbled through Ichigo as he ripped himself away from her and went to the door. She was certain if it was another doctor coming to take more blood, to poke and prod her like some sort of odd relic they found buried in the earth, he would rip them apart. She wasn't entirely certain she wouldn't do the same. But, a small voice in the back of her mind wondered, wasn't this for the best? Wasn't it better they stopped before things went too far?

A part of her wanted to silence that voice.

The feminine gasp that followed as Ichigo tore open the door indicated it wasn't a routine visit. Curious, Rukia tried to get a better look at who was at the door.

Ichigo stood in the doorway, his arm pressed against the frame in a protective stand. In the space beneath his arm, she could see Orihime with a look of surprised mortification.

"I'm sorry, Ichigo. I didn't realize. . . I didn't mean to intrude."

"Is there something you need from Rukia?"

A small, infantile part of her was pleased he didn't try to make an excuse for his presence, allowing the other woman's mind to insinuate at her leisure. With his rumpled clothes, more than normal dishevelled hair, it was easy enough to jump to conclusions.

Orihime had been nothing but kind to Rukia, and often worked to keep the CAC doctors from getting carried away. It was difficult not to like the woman, and Rukia had come to rely on her since her rescue. She was gentle, yet avoided treating her like she was a fragile piece of art. Over the past couple weeks, Orihime was one of the few who had treated her like a normal person.

And yet, when it came to Ichigo, Rukia found her willingness to accommodate her new friend was limited. Since they'd met, Rukia had noticed the subtle looks Orihime cast towards Ichigo. It was clear she was interested in him. At first, Rukia chose to ignore it, even while they were at the CAC. But for days she watched them interact, whisper and confide in one another when she couldn't even look at him.

She was being cruel and childish. In the end, Rukia knew they would go their separate ways, and still she was pulling him closer to her.

"I was coming to check on her, see how she was doing and if she needed any more sedatives. If she was awake, I was hoping to speak with her about the psychologist." Orihime's genuine concern for Rukia only added to the weight of guilt settling over her. "It looks like things are progressing well on your end. Have you asked her about the doctor?"

"I did. She's made it clear she's not interested."

Orihime signed. "I was afraid of that. The doctor arrives in the afternoon. I'd like her to at least speak with her before deciding for sure, especially with the debriefing to follow. In general, she really needs to speak with someone."

Ichigo released his grip on the doorframe and leaned his shoulder against it, blocking Orihime from view. His voice dropped to a soft whisper. If he was trying to keep her from hearing, he would certainly have to do better than that.

"Thanks. I appreciate everything you've been doing to help her, I know she is too. But she was adamant about not talking to anyone. I'm not entirely sure I blame her. What we found there - even I don't want to think about it, and she lived it."

"But if she keeps bottling it up-"

"I'm going to deal with the problem directly."

There was silence for a few moments.

"You're going to pursue Aizen," Orihime concluded.

"That's been the plan all along. He's just given me additional motivation."

"Revenge won't heal those kinds of wounds," Orihime whispered mournfully.

The truth of it stung more than Rukia wanted to admit. Stopping Aizen wouldn't free her from the horrors that already followed her. There would still be pieces of her missing, ripped out of her and left behind in that place he called a "lab". And there were memories that could never be forgotten, contaminating her, staining her in red, tainting her and those around her.

But it would help.

Ichigo crawled into bed beside her, Orihime gone and the door closed.

"She means well."

"I know."

"She's not wrong."

"I know."

They were both silent, reality killing the passion that had consumed them earlier. All they could think about was what had brought them here to this moment in time. Ichigo was right, Aizen had managed to give them more motivation to hunt him down.

She paused, suddenly realizing something Ichigo had said. With a stubborn glare, she turned to him. "You're not going after him by yourself."

The muscles in his neck tensed. If he thought she hadn't noticed his failing to include her when he mentioned going after Aizen, he was sorely mistaken. She refused to be left behind. She would be there to see Aizen fall and his work destroyed. She would be there to light the match and watch the flames devour everything, and only be satisfied when there was nothing left but ash.

It would be rather poetic. The fire he used to test her limits, that couldn't end her life, would be used to take his.

"I really would prefer you stay as far away from him as possible, but-" he emphasized "but" as she narrowed her eyes and prepared to argue, "I won't stop you."

"Good."

He grunted his dissatisfaction and leaned back on the bed, closing his eyes.

"The CAC wants to hold a debriefing in the evening, after your supposed conversation with the psychologist."

"They've been surprisingly patient considering the circumstances."

She noticed his jaw muscle twitch as he clenched it, and she grew curious. "Or not?"

"It wasn't for a lack of trying, I'll say that much. Orihime and Ashido have been very insistent they wait. Even that CAC agent, Yasutura, hasn't been pushing."

"Ah, you mean Sado."

Ichigo cracked and eye and studied her. "You're on a first-name basis now?"

"Can you blame me? He brought me chocolate cake."

Ichigo sat up. "I didn't realize your trust could be bought with sugar."

"If you'd only known sooner," she mocked.

The agent's assistance was rather surprising. He didn't know her, didn't have a stake in keeping her safe. They never spoke beyond him asking how she was doing, and her thanking him for the luxury food items. At first, she had been suspicious, even going to far as to have Orihime test it for drugs. When she'd found nothing, both of them were left wondering why he visited so often. After days of having her meals controlled, Rukia wasn't going to send him away.

There were so many who were trying to help her, who did what they could to save her, at great risk to themselves. If not for them, she would still be in that cell, still suffering, still-

A flash of dull gray and vibrant red, a feeling of overwhelming pain as heat enveloped her and smoke filled her lungs. Her muscles tensed and she felt nothing, as if the ends of her nerves had been seared off. She struggled to catch her breath, flecks of embers burning her from the inside.

Ichigo pulled her to him, holding her close and whispering to her.

"Stay with me," he repeated, over and over until her breathing became more steady. Taking slow, deep breaths, she willed the memories to leave her. Breath by breath the sensations began to dissipate. She focused on the mundane details around her, the white walls, the number of tiles on the floor, on the ceiling. Eventually, the room solidified and the memories faded.

How long would she have to live like this? Caught between two worlds, struggling to maintain her sanity when one threatened to destroy the other? How could she continue? How could she be of any use? She was nothing but a distraction - a risk.

"Maybe you should go after Aizen on your own, after all." The words were a quiet whisper, soft like a breath. She might have thought he hadn't heard her if he hadn't stopped breathing for a moment.

"Why? You were fairly insistent a minute ago."

It was naive to think he would have been pleased for her to offer to stay behind and to question her motives. She could have ignored him, shut him out and kept her fears and concerns locked away behind the wall she was building. But she didn't want to see those mournful eyes anymore, the ones that begged for her to let him in, to rely on him even just a little.

"I'm not sure if I will help or be a hindrance. I. . ." she took a deep, shaky breath. "Sometimes I can't tell the difference between what's real and what's a memory. There are things, moments, that remind me of a something that happened, hurling me back into that lab, with him watching and smiling and. . ."

She could see him, standing over her, his lips curled in amusement as Halibel took detailed notes. He was speaking to her, telling her something he found insightful, but she couldn't hear him. The pressure had destroyed her eardrums, the blood trailing into her hair and down her neck.

"Stay with me."

Her cheeks were wet, streaked with tears she didn't know were falling. Ichigo was holding her closely, his lips pressed to her ear as he quietly begged for her to stay.

"Sorry," she managed to choke out.

"Don't apologize for something that isn't your fault," he told her gruffly.

Wasn't it though? If she hadn't been so stupid as to leave the hotel room she wouldn't have run into Kaien. If she hadn't been distracted, however briefly, he wouldn't have gotten so close to her. If she-

She was on her back, staring up at the Ichigo as he peered down at her. His mouth was set into a thin line and his eyes burned with remarkable rage.

"Stop it."

She frowned and thought to argue, but he cut her off.

"I know what you're doing. Stop it. This isn't your fault. Even if you hadn't met Kaien in that alley, Aizen would have come for you eventually. He needed you and nothing would have stopped him." His gaze softened. "I don't think even I would have been able to."

"Ichigo-"

"The one who is responsible is Aizen, remember? You said so yourself. Not me. Not you."

"But-"

He kissed her.

It was gentle, tender like the brush of his fingers down her cheek. Yet it was full of desperation, begging her to believe in him and his words. And she wanted to, she needed to, but it was difficult. How could she not wonder what might have been if she had just been more alert? Had fought back? She was trapped in an endless cycle of regret, hate, and misery.

But with this kiss, with him standing beside her, maybe she had enough strength to try.

Forehead pressed to hers, he watched her, trying to read her emotions and intentions, wondering if he had gotten through to her, even a little.

"I'm still not certain I'm going to be the most stable companion."

"Were you ever?"

His lips quirked to the side in a mocking smirk, her eyes widened in indignation and she jabbed him in this side with her fist. His smile only widened.

"Your punches have gotten weak."

"Weak?" Huffing at the insult, Rukia wrapped her legs around his hips and twisted, rolling the both of them off the bed and onto the hard floor. Rukia sat on top, her hands pinning his above his head. Rather than impressed or baffled, he looked very much amused. She felt herself smile in return, despite her challenge. "Care to go a round and find out just how wrong you are?"

"Just don't blame me when you're the one laying on your back.

She quirked an eyebrow, but couldn't help the smile that slid across her lips. "We'll see about that."

Author's Notes: And so we've finally arrived! It only took a whole other story and the majority of this one to make it happen. I hope this progress makes sense and doesn't seem entirely out of place. I've actually rewritten this section quite a few times, trying to make sure it felt natural, and it always resulted in the two of them finally taking that step here (although there was one version where they went muuuch further - that one definitely didn't feel natural to me).

Thank you all for reading, favoriting, and following! And thanks to MugetsuIchigo, NieveDrop, and the guest for your reviews! Please continue to R&R, especially after this chapter. I really really want to hear your thoughts on how this went.