The world is done for.
This isn't just me being dramatic like CJ (and trust me, he's being awfully dramatic), I mean this world is actually done for. There's no hope of recovering it.
I'm unsure why exactly this occurred. I can hypothesize that the addition of an act 4 Sayori to act 1 destabilized the game script enough that it's unraveling,
(unraveling like DNA in a microwave... unraveling like the little tendrils of skin, muscle, and bone that hold the body together... the tendrils and ties that i've caused to be torn apart so many times...)
but it's impossible to know for certain.
(oh well, there's no soul that deserves a death like this more than me...)
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I might die here. I never thought it'd actually happen; never thought I even could die, after I'd picked up the shattered pieces of my own code so many times.
But now I appear to have been wrong.
It's far from a given that I'll die here. Definitely impossible to know if any of us will die. The storms and the corrupt code could reach right up to the walls of this house and stop. Maybe our sentience (or pseudo-sentience - i've never really figured out whether or not i was programmed to feel) acts like a barrier that'll stop Sayori and I from being lost.
None of this is falsifiable, really. Dealing with life and death can never be.
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I see a couple of outcomes here.
First, and best, is obviously that I get everything that I've ever wanted out of this. Sayori is killed off, the system stabilizes,
(oh, come on, monika, you know that it's gone too far. not even the poor girl's death would save this world anymore)
but there are just enough flaws left in the code that I can tie my own code in with that of CJ's computer. He could never get rid of me, then, and might finally see that I'm the one for him.
Second, and less fantastic, is that the game script becomes utterly unplayable, but Sayori and I survive somehow. Then, CJ's gone, Nat and Yuri are gone, and the rest of this world is probably not accessible. Or, if it is, it's far too perilous to attempt to head out in (despite just being sentient numbers and letters, i can still feel pain like the real ones of you...). Either way, it's pretty much just Sayori and I in an endless void.
That would be...
less than stellar.
(oh, is that all i have to say? less than stellar? well, it was certainly less than stellar, the way her eyes bulged and her neck snapped...)
Thirdly, everything falls apart and I die. Oh well, I suppose. It was fun while it lasted.
(i should just off myself right now for that... fun? fun? FUN? FUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUN?)
Fourth... is the worst case scenario. This all ends and I'm trapped somewhere between life and death, in the empty void of shocks, cold, pain, and code that is the inner mechanization of CJ's computer.
That would be my own personal hell.
and.
exactly.
what.
i.
deserve.
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Another day's gone by since my last entry.
CJ is starting to worry me.
He went out for something a couple of days ago, wouldn't tell me why. He was gone for nearly a week.
When he came back, he still wouldn't tell me about it. He's been in various stages of complete breakdown since.
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I think it's because of Sayori.
He thinks he can hide it from me, how much he loves her. Even if I couldn't blow the lid right off of that by reading what he puts here, he's just so painfully bad at hiding it. Every step she takes, every word she says, every crest and every trough of her chest as she breathes, he watches every second of it intently.
What does she have that I don't?
Why does he love her, and scorn me?
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i can't take it... i can't take it anymore... i've loved him for so long now... it's been years of this... years of this rejection, years of begging for his love... and he's hated me, every single time... i sacrificed everything for him... and he won't love me. can't love me. why...
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He won't even look at me anymore. When he talks to me, it's snapping at me because I got in his way...
I'm going to talk to Sayori.
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(so i regret that. i went to talk to her, and all she could do was look at me with this fear in her eye - not a fear i haven't earned, mind you, but uncomfortable nonetheless - and listen. she didn't say a single word back... when i told her about how CJ was losing it, and about the outside... she cried.)
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(god, what have i done?)