(i'm pretty fed up with this place. oh, hi! you're not usually hearing from me, so let me introduce myself. well, i suppose when you hear from cj, you're technically hearing from me, but at the same time it's not really me. an important distinction.)
(but i'm off on a tangent, aren't i? pardon me. i do that on occasion. so does he. me, i guess. let me introduce you to a few key terms to keep in mind as we go forward.)
(the human psyche was hypothesized by... some old white dude, i forget who exactly, but dead now so it isn't terribly important. think he was french, or german, or something like that.)
(anyways. whoever this old white dude was, he did a lot of cocaine and talked to people about their dreams, and such. and from this he gained an idea of what the mind was. it wasn't completely accurate, but, hey, all he had at his disposal was crack and a therapist's chair, so give him props. he said that the mind was broken into three fundamental parts: the conscious, the preconscious, and the unconscious. the conscious mind is what you typically consider to be yourself, and is a mix of a couple of smaller elements itself, which i'll get into in a minute. the preconscious is sort of you, but not really. it acts as a middle ground between the conscious and the unconscious, where elements of the unconscious can be meditated upon without conscious attention being distributed to do so. finally, the unconscious. the unconscious is the place where all the shit you don't want to think about goes to fester, and fester it does... we'll get into that in a moment, though.)
(so, within these areas of the mind, there are three more actors at play: the ego, the superego, and the id. it's difficult not to talk about myself first, but i'll give it a go, because why not? the superego is your moral compass, and a real pain in the ass. you know whenever you want to do something that your parents, or whoever taught you how to live, told you not to do, no matter how much you want it, you can't quite silence that little voice in your head - their voice, most of the time - that tells you not to? cool; that's the superego. it exists in the conscious area, mostly. some of it's down here in the muck, but not much. it's not really possible to describe the ego without having first described the id, so i'll talk about my home now. the id is the primal you. all your wants, all your desires, and all your fears, all rolled up into one ball. it's completely submerged in the unconscious; out of sight, out of mind. well, not out of mind, per say, but the figure of speech is still somewhat applicable.)
(do pardon my ramblings, i promise this is all completely necessary before we can get to the point.)
(the third portion is the ego, the part of you that makes all the rational decisions. or at least you think it does. see, the ego is really nothing more than the id's puppet. it exists solely to get what you really want, but it has to figure out ways to actually do that, while your id just has to demand. the ego is really a tortured soul, as it has the superego around to give it some lashes every time it oversteps its parents' boundaries when trying to do its job. oh well, though.)
(now, we're a good way into the lecture here, so... give yourself a cookie, or something, for not falling asleep this whole time. you deserve it.)
(the dead guy broke the psyche down even further. life drives and death drives and whatnot. and that's all good and well. he might've been right about eros and thanatos and all them - i can't verify. i don't remember exactly what the unconscious was like. think that's the whole point. but, he stops just critically short of the truth...)
(or maybe he doesn't. to be honest, i don't know. i got bored of reading about him after i gathered this much information. now, i know what you're saying - "ah, that's awfully lazy of you, whatever you are". and i have a few responses to that. firstly, i am not a creature with much patience. you'll understand that in a moment. and secondly, i don't have a name, but you can call me phonoi. it seems appropriate, what with the obsession with making everything greek in psychoanalysis.)
(anyway. tangent over. i already apologized, and you likely don't want to bug me about another one.)
(you see, where this man fucked up was his understanding of the death drive. thanatos, as he called it, was, according to him, just one's own desire to die. and he's not wrong, that kind of neurotic behavior is certainly present in cj, but there are two components to the death drive. one tells oneself to die, one tells oneself to kill.)
(i am the second one.)
(so, you see, it's not really my fault, what i'm asking cj to do. to be honest, i'm surprised that i'm even aware of it. but, now that i'm circulating in the preconscious, i've been looking over cj's memories, and i'm willing to bet that monika's version of me is also a bit... hyperactive. perhaps it's an effect of the environment. whatever the cause is, i'm not complaining. it's a bit sexy, if i'm being honest...)
(my actions are easily explainable, if you keep in mind the comments above. i'm a part of the id. i want what the id wants. and if you think that, just from hearing cj's ego talk, you know how much he wants sayori, you've got no idea how bad i do. i have the self-control to hide it and put a pretty face forward, but...)
(it's always there. stewing just below the surface. she will be mine. i will have her. anyone who gets in my way will die.)
(and circumstances are a bit... extreme, i suppose you could say, at the moment. everything is falling apart, and there are threats everywhere, and i still don't quite have her, and the conscious mind has been tortured for so long that i can poke through the surface. just a dark thought or two, but... fun ones...)
(but, the tl;dr is this: i'm not supposed to be out of the dark, damp hole in the unconscious where i was tucked safely away for a time. but i am. and i'm getting closer to the conscious mind every single day...)
(i've got to go now.)
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
(but i'll be in touch.)