So, I have been wanting to do an Icarly-fic for a while. I got this idea a little while ago, and I suddenly just decided to start writing it. I hope you'll like it!
disclaimer; I do not own iCarly.
No matter what
Family isn't always blood. It's the people in your life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to make you smile & who will love you no matter what.
~Author Unknown
Chapter 1. –Tears in my heart
I am not crying, but have tears in my heart.
~Vaslav Nijinsky
I was looking down at my black, elegant heels. Well, they weren't exactly mine. I'd borrowed them from Carly, along with the little black dress. I didn't own anything suitable myself. I looked to my side. My mom hadn't tried at all to look even a little bit proper. Her black skirt was way too short for a funeral.
Especially when it came to your daughter's.
I tried to mind whatever the priest was saying, but I couldn't concentrate. All I saw was the white coffin standing next to him, which I knew was holding Melanie's lifeless body.
She wasn't supposed to be in there.
It was my first time ever to be in a church. And I was pretty sure my mom had never set a foot in one either. I didn't know why we were here now, but my mom had insisted on it. And for once, I hadn't had the strength to argue with her.
It was like all of the energy had been sucked out of my body, ever since Melanie was gone. I couldn't even find the energy to cry. I didn't have to look sideways to know my mom wasn't crying either. And I hated the both of us for that. Melanie deserved so much better.
I looked at Carly. Her eyes were red from crying, and she was wiping away her tears with a soaking wet tissue. That was what Melanie deserved. People who cared for her; cried for her.
I cursed myself for looking so damned unaffected.
I looked at the coffin again. Carly helped me pick it out. It was a plane, but elegant, white one, and it was decorated with red roses. I knew Melanie would have found it beautiful. She loved roses.
The rest of the funeral had all been my mom's decision. I hated how over the top it was. There were too many decorations. Too many flowers. Too many people.
Too many witnesses of how bad we handled this grieving.
I was sitting on the front row, between Carly and Spencer. My mom was sitting on the other side of Carly. To most people, it must've seemed odd for me and my mom not to be sitting next to each other on a day like this. But to me it wasn't.
Melanie had always been the one keeping our messed up little family together. Now that she was gone, I wasn't even sure if that family still existed.
Maybe it'd died with her.
Everything happened in a blur. Four men in black lifted the white coffin, and carried it outside. My mom, Carly, Spencer, Freddie and I all stood up and walked behind them, and everyone else came after us. Carly grabbed my hand and squeezed it, as we were slowly heading outside.
I didn't want to look as the coffin was gently being placed in the earth. I closed my eyes while it sank away into the ground, deeper and deeper. I bald my fists and bit my lip till I tasted blood.
I shook my head. I couldn't watch it anymore. I turned around, and began running, pushing everyone in my way aside. I thought I heard someone shouting my name, but I didn't care, and I didn't go back. I had no idea where I was going, but I needed to get out of here. Now.
I ran across the graveyard, and finally hid somewhere between the tombstones. I buried my face in my hands, and tried to cry. But I still couldn't do it. I concentrated on my breathing, till the fog that had been blurring my brains finally cleared –a little.
"Hey." Spencer sat down beside me. I didn't say anything. "What was that all about?" his voice wasn't angry. It sounded worried. "I'm sorry." I whispered. "That's okay." He assured me. "I think I understand."
I was silent. "How are you?" he asked. I shrugged. I wasn't really sure how I felt. "I really want to go home." I whispered. He nodded. "I think your mom is going to want to stay here for a while." He said. "But I'll take you. You want to go to my place or your place?"
"Your place." I said without a doubt. "Okay, I'll be right back." Spencer said. "I'm just going to tell Carly where we are, and ask if she and my dad can ride home with Freddie and his mom." He paused. "I'll ask your mom when she's going to pick you up."
"No." I said. "Sam…" he started. "You know you're welcome at Spencer's anytime. But, don't you think that you should be with your mom right now?" he asked. "No." I said again.
He sighed. "Okay then. I'm not going to argue with you right now. You can stay with us, at least for tonight. But we're not done talking about this." He stood up, and walked away.
It had been almost a year since Carly had moved to Italy with her dad, but I still practically lived at Spencer's. Every now and then I still slept at my mom's, but, generally, I was barely ever around –let alone did I actually speak to her or anything.
After a few minutes Spencer returned. "Okay, kid, let's go." He said. I got up, wiped some dirt of my dress, and walked to the car. Spencer held the door open, but I yanked the handle away. "I'm perfectly capable of opening my own doors, Shay." I said.
Spencer smiled. "Course you are, Puckett, course you are."
We drove the ride home in silence, which I appreciated. He parked the car in the garage of the o so familiar building, and I got out immediately. "Yo, hold that elevator!" I yelled at some people, who were just about to close the door.
They did not listen. "Bastards!" I screamed, just before the doors closed in my face. Spencer laid his hand on my shoulder. "Sooo… We're waiting for the next elevator?" he chuckled. "I hate people." I growled.
"Come on, you don't hate all people." Spencer said. "No, that's right." I said. "I'm pretty okay myself." We both laughed about the stupid joke that wasn't even funny. But it felt good to laugh anyway, even if I didn't feel like laughing.
Even if I felt hollow and I didn't think it would ever get any better. Even if my heart was shattered to thousands of little pieces.
I wasn't happy. But maybe if I kept pretending I was, I'd end up believing it myself.
Okay, what did you think?
This will be a multiple chapter fic, probably like 15-20 chapters. It's probably going to be a while before I'll post a new chapter tough. I'm going on vacation in two days, which means that I'll have NO internet for a week. I wrote this yesterday, and I actually wanted to wait untill after my vacation to post this, but I just couldn't wait. So now you'll have to wait. :) Sorry.
BUT, I'll be back on monday the twentyseventh, and I promise to post a new chapter right that same day. After that, I'll try to update every day, possible every other day.
This also means that if you review, I might not be able to reply a thank you right away, like I usually do. But know that I always appreciate them and I'll read them as soon as I have internet again.
Okay, I'm going to stop writing (and probably boring you) now. Thank you for reading this story!