Chapter 3. –Keep smiling and pretending

Just keep smiling and pretending you're happy, then maybe after you've convinced everyone else that you are, you can convince yourself.

~Meggy Rose

The next morning, I woke up early. Carly was still asleep, and in order not to wake her, I decided to get up. I slid out of bed, and soundlessly left the room. I checked the kitchen clock, and my eyes grew wide as I saw it was only seven AM. –I usually slept till noon if you'd let me.

I decided to make breakfast. Not because I was hungry, but just to do something. –Something normal. I cracked the eggs over a sizzling pan, and hummed a happy tune.

If I kept pretending I was happy, maybe I'd end up believing it myself.

"Sam?" Carly peaked her head around the corner. "Sam, I can't believe my eyes!" She came all the way out. I smiled. "So, you're up before me, and you're making breakfast? I must be dreaming!" She teased.

"Yeah, well, I was awake. And I was hungry." I said smiling. It wasn't entirely the truth, but Carly looked satisfied.

Pretend.

I turned the bacon, while Carly began setting the table. "Do you want to eat with just the two of us, or should I wake up Spencer and my dad?" Carly asked carefully. "No, you go ahead waking them, I'd like that." I said.

"So, where do you want to go today?" I asked. Carly looked at me surprised –no, suspicious. "Go somewhere?" She asked. "Well, yeah." I said. "I mean, it's not every day you and your dad are here in Seattle. And I'm still reported absent in school. So we might as well use the time."

Carly still didn't seem at ease. I sighed. "Look, Carly, I really don't want to think about this anymore. Not now, anyway. I just can't do it, I can't keep talking about it, remembering her…" I bit back my tears. "Right now, the best thing you could give me is distraction. I need to do something fun –something normal. Can you understand that?"

Carly's eyes had turned watery. This wasn't easy on her either. "I can." She said softly. "Just err… just know that if you do want to talk…" I cut her off. "I know. Thank you." The teakettle whistled. "I'll go get it." Carly said.

"Hey, do I smell bacon?" A sleepy Spencer-head suddenly appeared around the corner. I laughed. "You sure do! But you'd better hurry, I eat fast!" I threatened. Spencer looked surprised. "Well, I knew that much!" he said. "But I had no idea you were capable of getting out of bed before eight AM!"

"I'll go wake dad." Carly said. "And all this food had better still be here when I return!" She said before disappearing up the stairs. "No promises!" Spencer and I yelled in unison.

That morning, we all had breakfast in our pajamas. It was really cozy and fun, and when I laughed, I meant it.

But it didn't make the hollowness go away.

"So, Sam and I thought it might be fun to go somewhere today, do something fun." Carly said after a while. It suddenly became quiet at the table. "So, where would you like to go, dad?" Colonel Shay cleared his throat. "Well, I don't know, kids, you live here. Why don't you suggest something?"

"O, o! I know!" Carly squealed. "We could go to the Kerry Park! That's not too far away, and I love it there! I miss it, so much!" I laughed. "Well, you don't exactly live here, cupcake, but I suppose the Kerry Park is as good as any. What about the rest of you?" I asked.

"Yeah, Kerry Park is fine with me." Spencer said. His father nodded in agreement. "Well, the Kerry Park it is then!" Carly said enthusiastic. "Well then I have another idea." Colonel Shay suddenly said. "As I recall, the Kerry Park is not too far away from this famous restaurant… the space…"

"The space needle." I finished for him. "Right! Why don't we go eat there, my treat!" He said. "Well, I never was one to turn down free food!" I laughed. "Yeah, great dad! I'd love that!" Carly said. "Then that's settled." Colonel Shay grinned.

"It's only like eight thirty now, tough." Spencer said. "When do you all want to leave?" Carly leaned forwards. "Well, how about, I make a nice picnic, and then we leave in like two, three hours, to eat it at the park?" She said.

"More food! Sounds great to me." I said. That wasn't true. The food still tasted like nothing. But at least I could swallow it without getting sick again, and I saw that as progress.

"Okay then, then I'll go get dressed." Colonel Shay left the table. "I guess I'll go do the same." Carly said. "Me too, then, I guess." I sighed. We left for Carly's old room, the one I was using almost permanent now, leaving Spencer alone at the breakfast table.

"Spencer, can you clean the table?" Carly yawned. Spencer shrugged and sighed. "Yeah, sure." Previously, when Carly still lived here, I knew Spencer would have made a huge fuss about that. But, ever since Carly had left, he'd had to get used to doing those kind of things. Cause the only other person who (practically) lived in the apartment, was me. And I surely wasn't going to do it.

"Thanks Bro." Carly mumbled. She was still only half awake. She always pretended to be an early bird, but in reality, I knew she just had a very loud alarm clock. If you'd let her, she could sleep as long as me, easily. That's what made me wonder about this morning.

"Hey, Carly?" I asked. "Why were you awake so early this morning? You never are! Tell me you didn't set your alarm…" She shrugged. "Why were you?" She asked. We both kept silent. This wasn't easy on her either.

"So, you want to like, watch a movie? I'll let you pick." I asked with my sweetest smile. I needed to keep busy. She snorted. "Sure I do!" She said. "Well then." I closed the zipper of my jeans. "What have you got?"

We spend the morning watching a dumb chick flick and fixing a giant picnic. I wondered if Carly knew she served as occupational therapy to me –if she knew I needed to keep busy, in order not to burst out in tears. I wondered if she knew how unhappy I really was. But if she did, she didn't show it.

Maybe she was part of it, the pretending. Two silent partners, living by an unspoken rule. Maybe if we both kept pretending, the happiness would return sooner.

And at this point, I was desperate enough to believe it.

And, what did you all think?

This one was really a bit of a filling chapter, but I hope you liked it anyway. The next chapter will be more about Sam's mother, and why she hates her so much.