Chapter 16. –The pain

The pain is not on the day of missing our dear ones. The pain is really when you live without them, and with the presence of them in your mind.

~Author Unknown

The taxi ride to the hospital seemed to take forever. Yet when we finally got there it was too soon. I didn't want to go inside. I stopped before the big, main entrance. I shook my head. I tried to say something, but the words just wouldn't come.

"Sam?" Carly said. I shook my head again. "Come on Sam. We have to go inside." She said. I knew that. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't face my mom. I couldn't take care of her properly. I couldn't deal with the memories this would trigger. I knew what I had to do. I just couldn't do it.

"Carly," Freddie said "Why don't you go inside? Meet my mom? We'll be there in a minute." Carly started to pout, and for a moment it seemed like she was going to argue. But she didn't. She patted my shoulder before turning around, and entering the building.

"Sam." He whispered. "I know this is hard. Believe me, I do." He said. "I know you do." I assured him. And he did. Sort of. He knew about the memories a hospital –a dying person- could trigger. But there where things he didn't know about.

He didn't know about my mom –about the pain it caused me just to think about her. He didn't know what it was like to be responsible for a dying woman. He didn't know what it was like not to know whether you should get down on your knees and pray to God that she'll survive –or to spit in her face and tell her to go to hell. –Literally.

"I miss Melanie." I whispered. "She would have done this so much better than me. She was always better than me." Tears were streaming down my eyes. Suddenly Freddie wrapped his arms around me, and I pressed my face into his chest.

"Don't you ever say that." He whispered. "You're amazing, Sam. You're amazing, and I love you. Don't ever think otherwise." He let go of me, and looked into my eyes. "Now, Sam, I know you can do this. I believe in you. Now all you ought to do is believe in yourself."

I stared deeply into his deep, dark eyes. Desperately trying to decide whether or not he was telling the truth. But suddenly I couldn't. I couldn't believe those eyes would lie. "Freddie, if you believe in me, then I can do it." I said. A smile filled his face. "Just… just don't leave me, okay?" I whispered.

He shook his head. "I wouldn't have left, anyway." He said. "But I'm really glad you asked me to stay." He grabbed my hand and, together, we went inside.

After meeting Carly and Mrs. Benson in the waiting room, Freddie and I were following a nurse to my mother's room. Only two persons at the time were allowed in. I picked Freddie.

Mrs. Benson had seemed rather confused by my choice, but Carly had smiled brightly. I tried to ignore both women's facial expressions as I walked through the gray hallways. "Here it is, Miss Puckett." The nurse, who was maybe five years older than me, told us.

"Be prepared, tough." She said in a soft tone of voice. "She's in bad shape." Freddie nodded and thanked her, while I opened the door. There she was. My mom. She looked terrible. The nurse was saying something about the doctor coming soon, but I ignored her.

All I could see were the tubes sticking out of her body, leading to infusions and big, beeping machines. All I saw was her blonde hair, which fell lamely over her way too pale face. Her closed eyes and dry lips, which all looked way too familiar.

Just for a moment, it wasn't my mom in the bed. It was Melanie. Her eyes were closed and her mouth was dry. Her skin had a sickly white color. That is, at the places it wasn't bruised or wounded. There were no tubes, no machines.

It was too late for tubes and machines. Or doctors and medicines. She was asleep. She slept peacefully. We should go. I thought. We shouldn't wake her. I remember thinking. Because, she had to be sleeping, right?

Death. That was just so… so far away. So unreal. So not Melanie. The image changed back to my mom. I imagined her without the tubes. Without the machines. I imagined she was sleeping. Just like Melanie. I shook my head. "No." I whispered. "No, not like Melanie."

I walked towards her bed. I couldn't touch her. I wanted to, I just couldn't. "Mom, you're going to survive. You can't go. You can't leave me." I whispered. I felt my cheeks getting wet. I felt Freddie's arm sliding over my shoulders.

"Don't make me go through this again, mom." I whispered. "Don't leave me, don't leave me alone. I'll be all alone." My mouth shaped the words, but my voice wouldn't make a sound. I hugged Freddie tightly. I didn't cry. I didn't speak. I just held him. I just needed to hold him.

The door opened soundlessly. We were startled by the sound of somebody clearing their throat. I quickly loosened myself from Freddie's grip and wiped my cheeks. "I'm sorry to disturb you." The man in the white coat said. "This must be very hard."

I didn't correct him.

"Miss Puckett?" he assumed. I nodded. "My name is Dr. Griffin Hunter. I am you're mother's doctor." He shook both our hands. "I understand you will be taking place as her Power of Attorney." He said to me. I just nodded. I was a little scared my voice would break if I spoke.

"Well, in that case I'll need to talk to you. We could have a private conversation about your mother's condition and treatment in my office. We could do this right now, or later if you need a little more time." He said.

I shook my head. "Right now is fine." I whispered. I cleared my throat. "Can I take a few people with me?" I asked. The doctor smiled. "Well, that depends. How many people were you planning to take with you?" he asked.

"Three." I said. "Freddie here, his mom and my best friend. They're waiting for us in the lobby." "Alright." Dr. Hunter said. "But four is definitely the max!" I tried to smile. "Thank you." I said.

All four of us gathered in the doctor's office, and all three of them saw me cry when doctor Hunter pointed out my mother's small surviving's chance, and the difficulty of her treatment. But that was okay. Because they loved me.

And they wouldn't judge me.

Okay, I'm actually quite happy with this chapter. What did you all think?