Hey guys! (I'm trying something new, someone help me come up with something!)
Once again I apologise for the delay, but guess what guys... ITS NEARLY HOLIDAYS WHICH MEANS MORE WRITING! Thank you so much to Beetle126, Love. fiction. 2017, LacoMC, and Dreamy-girl2016 for your kind words and reviews! Sending virtual hugs and kisses!
Enjoy the chapter and i am not responsible for the tissue boxes you go through!
"Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition."- Alexander Smith
Elizabeth dwindled down the corridor, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. She felt like she had been run over by a hoard of house elves and that goblins were dropping gold on her head. She yawned, covering her mouth as she automatically walked over to the kettle and flicked it on, she ignored Sirius who was sitting on the table just looking out the window and continued to make herself a cup of tea; really, what she needed was a cup of coffee, or something with a strong caffeine intake, but the problem was she couldn't stand the smell of coffee let alone the taste.
She stirred half a teaspoon of sugar into her cup of tea and turned around to sit at the table but paused mid-step, her face contorting in confusion as she saw Sirius sitting at the table. She looked up at the clock in the corner in surprise, was it daylight savings already?
"I thought it was Tuesday?" she asked him and plopped down in the seat, taking a small sip of her tea, Sirius looked up and her heart stopped as she looked into his swollen eyes and panic swelled within her, what had happened? What was wrong? Who?- she felt her stomach churn at the thought, James? Lily? Remus? Mary? Alice? Frank?
"Sirius?" she whispered resting her hand on his forearm, her eyes wide, "What happened?"
He looked up at her and his lip trembled, she could see the disbelief on his face, her guilt and shock in his eyes and even worse, the slump in his posture, the paleness of his skin. He opened his mouth to speak and then shut it back, he pushed the crumpled daily prophet towards her.
Elizabeth looked down at it and felt dread within her, she looked down and felt all the blood drain from her face.
REGULUS BLACK…DEAD?
She felt her heart begin to race, and her hands trembled as she picked it up to read the article further. The image splayed on the front of the Prophet was of Regulus, obviously attending a pureblood event, donned in black formal dress robes, his hair tied back into a low bun and tied with a black ribbon, his handsome face alight with a smile. Looking so unbelievably like his brother that she needed to look up and see Sirius sitting in front of her... It couldn't be true, he couldn't be…
I know that this is what I need to do
I want you to tell them that I aided in the defeat of the dark lord
I've accepted it
I am not afraid to die-"
She felt raw rage within her, it was all placed before her, but she had put too much faith in him, she had believed he would come to his senses, but it seemed both brothers were as idiotic as one another. She felt a wave of guilt and grief come over her, she had been one of the last people to have seen him, he had told her what he was doing, she could've stopped him, he had told her to her face that he had accepted that he would die, and she had sat there and ignored it. And now her boyfriend was sitting there broken hearted, and she could've prevented it.
She had caused him this pain.
She was surprised to feel tears well in her eyes and her vision become blurred as she lowered her hand to Sirius's and squeezed in comfortingly. She felt a deep sorrow in her chest at the thought of Regulus Black, at his misguided beliefs, his lost potential, his sheer intelligence and his skills. He had left this world and become apart of the next, just as he seemed to have wished. It made her heart heavy to think that someone so young, so full of life and love, had lost their life. That his grey eyes would never gaze adoringly at his beloved, his muscular arms would never encase a child, he would never use the traditional walking stick of Lord Black… He was another lost life, another martyr in this godforsaken war. She felt ashamed to not know if he had been martyred on her side or his side.
It was disgusting, she mused, as she watched Sirius try to mask his grief. It was disgusting that the future Lord Black died and all that was done was a mere newspaper article published announcing it.
"Sirius." She whispered lovingly, running a hand through his curls, He looked up and shook his head, interjecting,
"Please don't give me your sympathy." He whispered, squeezing her hand back, "Just please…" his voice cracked and she could see tears well up in his grey eyes, she felt her heart shatter at the pain on his face, She immediately stood and moved to the chair next to him and wrapped her arms around his neck, he moved closer to her and buried his face in the crook of her neck and let out a choked sob.
"Lizzie." He choked out, she held him tighter and felt tears dampen the visible skin of her shoulder, "Hi-his gone." He cried, "My baby brother." He sobbed.
She hated that there was nothing she could do as she held him, whatever could've been done wasn't done, and she wanted to rip her hair out over it.
Sirius grimaced as the scalding fire whiskey burnt the insides of his throat, he wanted it all to go, he wanted the throbbing pain in his chest to dissipate, he wanted to forget about Regulus, he wanted to forget about how he hurt his brother, how he abandoned him- he wanted to forget about all the good times, he wanted to forget how he had once loved his family, how he had once belonged.
He didn't think it would hurt this much.
His relationship with his little brother had been in tatters for years, it had been torn apart by this misplaced war, by his desire to be different, and his brothers to be perfect, it had been desolated by their families beliefs…
The burning anger with him scalded him more than the fire whiskey ever could; and the memories…the memories were the worst because he had spent years burying them deep in the sand, but the problem with sand was that with a single breath it was blown away.
He never hated his brother, despite his proclamations over the years, hated no…disappointed yes, he was disappointed in his brother and the choices he had made, no, on the contrary, he loved his brother very much, if anyone was to have kept him from running away it was Regulus.
He hated that his brother died thinking he hadn't cared.
One of his earliest memories was running through the corridors of Grimmauld place, chasing Regulus as they played Dark wizards and Aurors, twigs in their hands as wands.
"You cant catch me! You cant catch me!" Regulus ran as fast as his small legs could take him, Sirius purposely ran slowly so it was fair, Regulus's laughter echoed through the corridor, they were infectious!
Sirius laughed as he quickened his pace, "Oh I think I will!" he laughed as he caught up to his shorter brother and grabbed him into his arms, tackling to the ground and tickling him.
"Sirius let me have a go!" Regulus stamped his foot on the ground, his voice laced with annoyance, "You've been on it for ages!"
Sirius rolled his eyes and yelled down, "It's my broom!" he proclaimed, "I can stay on it however long I like!"
"Mum said you had to give me a go!" Regulus yelled, his cheeks flushing with anger, and tears welling up in his eyes, Sirius looked around purposely and shrugged,
"I don't see mum anywhere!" he did a flip in the air causing Regulus to let out an angry cry. Sirius sighed and clenched his teeth. He flew down to the ground and slid forward on the broom. Regulus glared at him.
"Well come on then! We don't have all day!" Regulus's face lit up and he raced forward and jumped onto the back, "Hold on tight! Or I'll laugh at you when you split your head open after falling."
Regulus giggled as he wrapped his arms around his brother's waist, "I'll laugh at you when mum's yelling at you."
Sirius raised his eyebrows at his brother as they flew higher and higher,
"Will you hate me if I'm a Slytherin?" Regulus asked quietly as they watched the stars from the highest balcony of 12 Grimmauld place,
"Of course not!" Sirius replied back, without a doubt, "Family always comes first. You know that."
Regulus looked up at him and shuddered, his eyes wide with fear, "What if I'm a Hufflepuff?"
Sirius let out a laugh and smirked, "You won't be! You're a black!"
Regulus groaned, "Sirius! They said that about you!"
He looked down at his younger brother and sighed, running a hand through his brother's dark curls, "You'll be a Slytherin Regulus, you're a better Black then I could ever hope to be."
Regulus gave him a cheesy grin, "I better be, you're an awful Black!"
"Cissa!" Regulus groaned as she plopped a cap on his head, "It's bad enough you put me in this butler outfit, now you have to put me in a cap!"
Sirius turned as he adjusted the fake sword on his hip, "But you look so cute Reg!"
"Do I?" Andromeda turned to Sirius causing his eyes to widen in shock at the thickness of the white powder she had covered her face in, the red lipstick reaching up to her cheekbones and the tip of her nose too coloured red, her curls charmed into rainbow colours.
"No you look hideous!" he laughed, "The only thing good about that outfit is that it makes me laugh!" Andy let out a laugh,
"Well that's good!" she exclaimed, "That's a clowns job!"
Narcissa stood up from the dressing table, the long sleeves of her mother's robes dragging along the floor, and rougue all over her face, "Do I look like a lady yet?" she preened,
Bellatrix tightened the bandana around her head and adjusted her large hoop earrings, covering her eyes with the eye patch, "No."
The group laughed and begun to explore their surroundings, pretending to be on their treasure hunt, it was a tradition, Just as yule was, to always have a treasure hunt on the eve of Halloween.
"I can't believe I have to sit around by myself while you're all dancing and having fun!' Regulus moaned as he flung himself back onto the bed, watching as Sirius adjusted his bow tie in the mirror and Andromeda sat on the wooden chair, the fabric of her silk teal dress spilling over the chair, and the shining embroidery gleaming in the lighting of the room, her posture impeccable in her highnecked neckline, it was a beautiful gown in Sirius's opinion, classy, and even better it had Walburga black shaking her head in disapproval because Andromedas shoulders were visable to virile young men. Sirius couldn't help but snort while imagining his mother's reaction to Bellatrix's attire for the night.
"At least you don't have to wear dress robes!" Sirius retorted, running a hand through his hair,
"I would wear dress robes! I don't care!" he flung his arms up in the air in exasperation. A high pitched laugh sounded from the doorway, and Bellatrix sauntered in, clad in a deep burgundy, low cut dress.
"Reggie!" she pressed a kiss to his cheek, staining his cheek with dark red lipstick, "Next year all you will do is complain, and you know what I will tell you." She whispered, Narcissa rolled her eyes as she made her way in, clad in a pale pink, high cut, long sleeve gown.
"I told you so."
"You were right Sirius!" He groaned as he took a sip of punch, Sirius let out a bark of laughter and shook his head, his hair flying around as he did.
"Don't let Bella hear you say that!" Regulus let out a laugh, just deep enough to pronounce him a teenager, his smile mirroring his brothers.
"Trust me I wont!" he shook his head and grimaced as a ditzy blonde winked at him from afar, "I wont give her the satisfaction of saying, I told you so!"
Sirius looked at his brother and gave him a knowing look, pride welling within him as she watched his brother blush.
"Who is she?" Sirius laughed at his red faced brother who was trying to hide in his cup of pumpkin juice, "Come on spill!"
"No Sirius!" Regulus whined, turning redder by the second, "Theres no one!"
"Bullshit!" he nudged his brother, "Come on, I'll give you some tips…"
Regulus bit his lip and rolled his eyes, "Shes way out of my league Sirius. Its not going to happen!"
"Regulus, If theres one thing I want you to learn from me its this," he leant closer to his brother, "You're a Black, nobodies too good for a black!"
A knock sounded on Sirius's bedroom door, loud enough that it could be heard over the loud heavy metal echoing through the room.
"COME IN!" Regulus peeked his head through with a grin on his handsome face, Sirius, upon seeing it was his brother waved his wand and lowered the music, beckoning him to move forward and come sit on his bed with him.
Sirius let out a laugh as his brother gaped at the posters of muggle models in bikinis, and the shiny motorbikes, even the ones where there was both motorbikes and models…they were Sirius's personal favourites.
"Whats up?" Sirius questioned, lying back on the bed with his arms behind his head.
Regulus pulled a large wrapped parcel from behind his back, "Its midsummers eve." He whispered with a smile, his cheeks flushed from the winter cold, "We always open it together."
Sirius grinned and sat up excitedly, "Uncle Alphards?"
Regulus rolled his eyes in amusement, "Who else would give us gifts on midsummers eve Siri?" he whispered, worried that his parents would walk past, "Uncle Alphard always had a flair for the rebellious."
"I had to have inherited it from somewhere!" Sirius laughed. The two boys looked at one another, Sirius gazed into his brothers eyes that were near identical to his, and smirked, rolling his eyes at his brother's puppy dog eyes, " Oh alright, You open it first, I did it last year."
Regulus let out a laugh and immeadiantly teared into the gharish wrapping paper, "I wasn't going to wait for your approval!"
"So that's it?" Regulus stated, glaring at him from the doorway as he threw everything he could into his trunk, "You're just going to up and leave?"
Sirius looked up, his eyes hardened as he stared at his brother, whose face was unreadable,
"Yes." He replied, Regulus grinded his teeth and shook his head, his face redenning with anger,
"Tell me Sirius?" he questioned, deathly calm despite her exterior visage, "Is it that easy, to just up and leave, abandon us, what happened to family comes first?"
"You would never understand!" Sirius yelled, throwing his arms up, "You're the perfect son, the perfect heir, the perfect Black! You would never understand how I feel! For once I'm going to do something for me! All my life I have always considered family." He shook his head angrily, "Well I'm over this shit!"
He zipped his bag up and made his way past Regulus, pushing past him and storming down the stairs, he didn't see the tears well up in his brothers eyes,
Regulus shook his head angrily, pain etched over his face, "Then Leave!' his voice cracked. "If we mean that little to you then leave!"
Sirius stopped in the middle of the corridor, clenching his jaw, conflict welling within him.
"You could come with me." He muttered, unturning, he didn't want to see the expression on his brothers face, he didn't want to see the pain he was inflicting. It was selfish, it was cowardly, but he'd rather not know.
"You know I cant." He spat, and Sirius could hear the grief in his voice, "But you can." He growled, "You might as well take that opportunity and live with your new family right."
Sirius shook his head and let out a dark laugh,
"Yeah I will, at least they accept me for who I am!"
"You're a Black Sirius!" He shouted, his calm visage disappearing, "They will never accept you for who you are and the day you figure that out, you're going to remember me, your brother and say, he told me so. But until you get that through your thick skull…"
He swallowed and took a deep breath, "Gooodbye Sirius."
Sirius would later muse that it was extremely unfinished, there was so much more to say, so many pieces if advice he wanted to give his brother, to tell him to not join Voldemort…but there was no time, no chance…
"Goodbye Little brother."
"You cant believe me!" he exclaimed and scoffed, his signature grey eyes glowing with anger that was reflected back in his brothers near identical eyes. "Well I don't believe you!"
Sirius ran a hand over his face and paced on on the spot, shaking his head as he mourned his little brother. The boy that he used to play hide and seek with and build forts with, the boy who used to help him get out of family gatherings and steal their fathers wand.
"How can you do this?" Sirius asked him, feeling pain searing in his heart, "How can you do it?"
Regulus felt his chest ache as he watched the man he admired so much, feel ashamed of him.
"No, the question is how can you do it?" Regulus felt years of resentment overwhelm the paternal feelings of love and care for his brother, "How can you live with yourself knowing what you did?"
"What do you mean?"
"You left me." He spat, his voice laced with venom, "Sirius you left me knowing what would happen to me!" He felt his body tremble with rage, "You left me with them, you left me to take care of everything and to take the fall for every single thing!"
Sirius opened his mouth to defend himself, but never got a chance,
"No Sirius! You ruined everything! You know, when you left, before mother could even burn you off the tapestry, she turned to me and she crucioed me! For days they punished me!" Sirius felt himself recoil at his brothers words. "I still have scars from that day and every day since!"
Sirius never felt such guilt in his life, his brother had suffered deeply for his abandonment. He had left his brother to the environment that he left. To his parents that had no qualms in punishing their children, the parents that expected too much, he felt guilt in knowing that the moment he walked out of that door his family would've automatically put all the pressure on Regulus to be perfect.
"You left Sirius, just like the coward you are, and now you blame me for finally making a choice in my life?" He spat, pointing at his brother, "In case you've forgotten, you left, you have no right to tell me what to do anymore."
And then he remembered his brothers final words to him,
"No Sirius, I'm so over your shit, the next time I see you its going to be when you're on your hind legs begging the dark Lord to accept you." Sirius snorted and shook his head, "You hate to admit it big brother, but you're just as Black as Bella, just as cowardly, just as bloodthirsty, just as arrogant and just as dark; You're just prolonging it. But one day you're going to look in the mirror, and all you'll be able to think about is what I told you today, and how I was right and how despite your rebelliousness and twisted morals, you truly are the perfect heir of the black family."
Sirius could honestly admit that he felt like he was going to cry at the harshness of his brothers words, at the cruel undertones, the hate he was spewing. He couldn't believe it.
"I don't know you anymore." Sirius whispered in resignation, "You've changed."
Regulus nodded and licked his bottom lip, "The feelings mutual, Good bye brother."
And it seemed, years after abandoning his brother, he finally regretted what he had done. If only for leaving his brother, he regretted it.
Elizabeth watched as he dragged himself around the kitchen, clad in black dress pants, cloak, shirt and scarf. She raised an eyebrow, she did not expect him to be out and about so soon after his brother's death, it had only been two days since he found out after all…
"Where are you off to?" she wrapped her arms around his waist, inhaling his unique scent, sandalwood mingled with leather, petrol, smoke and wet dog, he turned slightly and pressed a kiss on the top of her head.
"Gringotts wanted to meet with me." He muttered, running a hand over his pale unshaven face, "Before the official reading of the will, Reg must've told them about our situation or something, I'm not sure." He shook his head and leant over the bench. She stood next to him, watching his facial expressions.
"There's something you're not telling me." She whispered, laying her hand on his forearm, rubbing circles on him. He looked up at her and exhaled, using his free hand to run a hand through his hair,
"The funerals this afternoon." His voice was hoarse from disuse, "I think I will stay towards the back or something." He looked up at her blank face, unsure of her reaction, "His my brother, I can't not go to his funeral."
Elizabeth looked into his eyes, she loved that about him, his sincerity, his kindness, his loyalty… She couldn't say no, she couldn't force him not to go, he would do it despite her wishes anyway. She was surprised he even told her, and that spoke volumes about the trust he had in her, it made her heart swell with pride.
She exhaled and nodded, biting her lip and rubbing his forearm.
"Go." She whispered, "For both, your sakes, just promise me you'll be careful." She looked into his steel grey eyes, "Promise me."
He flashed her a smile, and her heart swelled, it was the first smile she'd seen from him in days, he snorted slightly,
"I promise."
Sirius hid behind a thick oak tree, surrounded by shrubs, a tree that Regulus and himself would frequent at when they were running away from their family and avoiding having to look at century-old graves. He couldn't help but notice how miserable the cemetery was, all the grave markers were marble, all black or grey, The past lords of the house of Black's were larger than the others, the heirs second largest and the females the smallest.
His brother was just another stone.
He felt anger bubble within him, one-day Cissa and Bellas kids would also run away in boredom like he and Regulus had done. Andy and himself were disowned, and Regulus… he would never have children. From afar he saw his mother and father, being uncommonly affectionate with one another, which wasn't affectionate at all. He raised an eye at the pair, how unusual. His father's arm was wrapped around his mother's waist and she was leaning slightly on him. Figures, Regulus was always her favourite.
He wished his heart didn't hurt as he watched his family, he wished that he didn't feel the urge to approach his mother and father. He wished that he couldn't see how they had aged since he'd last seen them. He looked into his father's face and all he saw was his brother, what he could've been. He sees dark curls, thick eyebrows, sloped nose, he sees high cheekbones and full lips… But then he looked at his mother, and it was like he looked into a mirror; she was the feminine version of himself. Her wavy locks were pulled back into a severe bun that stretched her face, he could see strands of grey at her temples, her nose was slightly sloped, but straighter than his fathers, her cheeks high but full, her top lip slightly upturned… he couldn't help but see how her beauty had diminished, how that glow that illuminated the room faded, and how her face was even paler than before, but the only lines creasing her skin were crows feet between her brows, how she looked warped and sad. He couldn't help but feel a stab of guilt at knowing that no matter how much she had despised him, she had loved him, and she had mourned him in secret.
He couldn't help but take a calming breath as he saw death eaters all around the premises, all people Regulus had known and touched the lives of.
Sirius watched as members of his once family moved away, disapparating to Grimmauld Place as he knew they would. And as the area emptied he slowly, slowly moved forward. And once they had all left, he placed his cloak's hood over his head and moved forward, if anybody saw him they would know who he was, but he would rather them have to guess then have confirmation. It was too risky. He could help but snort, what a world he lived in, he couldn't even go to his brothers funeral without having to disguise himself.
He felt tears building in his grey eyes as he moved closer to the black Greystone, he knew it to be empty, there wasn't even a body to recover, rumour had it that the tapestry had registered his brother's death and that's how they found out. His brother's body was just laying somewhere, rotting and alone. He had been too young, he was barely a man, still a child; vulnerable to the cruelties of their world… He clenched his jaw as he traced the inscription etched into the marble, Sirius fell onto the freshly covered dirt, staining his pants. He didn't deserve this, his baby brother…
Regulus Arcturus Black II
1961-1979
A loving son, brother, cousin and friend.
Too young to have left this world, Loved and never forgotten.
Toujours Pur
He couldn't help the anger that seered through his veins at the gravestone, it was the same, his little brothers grave was as boring as all the other headstones. But he had deserved more, he had deserved the largest, most decorated headstone. His brother deserved the dignity to be buried, his brother deserved to live his life and to reap the rewards of a long and fulfilling life.
It was ironic that the rain began to fall as his tears did, burning his skin with liquid pain…
"Reg." he whispered, his voice hoarse with emotion, "I-I'm so…so sorry." He whispered, feeling the wind blow his hood off, he couldn't even bring himself to care, he let the rain cleanse him. He could smell the aroma of damp soil and wanted nothing more than the kick the dirt away, he wanted to embrace his brother and tell him it would all be alright. He felt undeniable regret taint his soul, he should've helped, he should've stayed, he shouldn't have left him behind.
There was so much he missed out on, congratulating his brother on graduating, hearing about his first girlfriend, getting letters after quidditch matches with recounts, going to his coming of age ball, giving advice, laughing as his brother went through growing pains; and even more that he would miss out on, drinking with his brother, celebrating Christmas, weddings, engagements, work celebrations, promotions… he felt his heart ache with the regret only one who had abandoned his family could feel.
He hadn't known his brother, he hadn't stuck around long enough to know him, was blue still his favourite colour? Had he fallen in love? How many times had he caught the snitch? What motivations did he have that night? What killed him? Was it an order of his lords? Sirius couldn't help the melancholy welling within him, he hadn't known his brother, he had wasted years and countless moments thinking that there were millions ahead.
He couldn't help but feel to blame, had he drive his brother to death, to be reckless and uncaring. Was his abandonment the reason for all this, the catalyst?
Merlin, he wanted to take it all back, just for a minute, just to know, just to hug his brother a little tighter, laugh a little longer, care a little more… he wanted to redo it all…
Gently he outstretched his hand, placing it atop the marble which was slick with rain, his hands covered in wetness as he traced the inscription.
"I love you baby brother." He whispered, shutting his eyes to prevent the burning tears, and stood up, looking back longingly, tears stinging his bloodshot eyes, and apparating out of the graveyard.
Sirius sat on a park bench in Hyde Park, a coffee placed next to him and a piece of parchment in crumpled in his glove clad hands, eyes bloodshot from this tears. Passerbyers gazed at him questionably because of his attire, but he ignored them, all he could care about was plucking up the courage to read the letter, his brothers final words to himself, delivered with instructions to be passed to him three days before he had passed.
His brother had known he was going to die, his brother was prepared to say goodbye to this life, and hello to the next. He didn't know if he felt proud, or furious with him… He took a deep breath, knowing that no matter what he did he would never be prepared to read his brothers last words to him.
Mon frère, Sirius.
If you are reading this then I am long gone, and most presumably already six foot under, and despite the fact that we spent the last years apart, I know you well.
Our final conversation was brutal, I said things I shouldn't have and I placed the blame of my mistakes on you, a cowardly act, But how could I stand before you and tell you that I made the conscious choice to serve the dark lord, how could I watch your face morph into one of disgust at what I'd become.
I'm a monster.
Sirius, I've done things I'm not proud of, things that have kept me up at night, things that just the thought of makes me feel like retching, my hands are clamming up as I write this for Merlin's sake. I'm not proud of myself, or my actions. But I need to tell you, I need you to know that I do not blame you, none of this… none of it is your fault. You did not force me to become a death eater, you did not force me to become Bellas puppet or the perfect son of the house of Black…that was all me.
But this letter is not about me confessing my sins to you, it is about me bidding you farewell.
Sirius, I am not going to make it to my 18th birthday, I'm too far in, too deep in all this. I have found out a secret of the Dark Lords, To Merlin and Morgana I wish I could tell you, but an unbreakable vow prevents me from doing so. I need my magic for the task up ahead. Do not think I do not want our society to be a pureblood one, and that I do not have faith in the dark lord, I merely do not approve of his methods, do not think I'm going to die on your side, definitely not.
I'm going to die in three days, It's like I'm a ticking time bomb, the breaths I'm taking are limited, even now as I'm writing this letter, I wonder if it's the last time I will put ink to parchment, I look out the window and see young children running around, just as we did and realise their days are numbered too. I ate a doughnut this morning as I walked through muggle London, I've always wanted to try one, and since I'm going to die I might as well. I sat on a double-decker bus and I have to admit I shed a tear as we passed kings cross, I'm never going to send my children off to Hogwarts, I'm never going to graduate, all the study I put in this year and I'm not even going to sit my NEWTS. I'm never going to feel the warm rays of the sun on my skin, vibrations of the showerhead, or the cleansing that rain upon skin gives you. I can't lie to you Sirius, I feel terrified, I'll only admit that to you, but I am terrified of what the afterlife holds for me, I am afraid of dying, of taking my last breath and leaving everyone behind.
Even by the small chance, I survive, the moment the Dark Lord finds out about my betrayal I will have wished to die, he is not a forgiving man.
Do you know my biggest regret, and it's not joining the Dark Lord. Sirius, I never fell in love, I never even had my first kiss, Sirius. That must be a foreign feeling to you considering your reputation, so whilst you've had perhaps a hundred lips touch yours, I've had none. I wanted to keep that for someone who deserved it, someone I loved, but I am about to die, having not felt what is considered the most beautiful feeling in the world. I am not mourning the fact that I am going to die, I'm mourning everything I'm going to miss out on, becoming Lord Black (That's what you get for getting disowned you prat!), getting married, travelling, seeing our society develop and become what it used to be, holding my firstborn in my arms for the first time, reuniting with you, perhaps reinstating you into the family…
Perhaps I do have a bit of Gryffindor in me, this is after all, extremely gryffindorkish, Too brave and noble for my taste! If there was a Slytherin way I would take it in a heartbeat, alas there is not… Therefore I sit here, on your favourite desk in your hideout in the library, and write this letter to you.
I would tell you to live your life to its fullest, but you already do that, you always have. Therefore I will leave you three things I've picked up in my short lifespan. The first, and the one that will hurt you most is that despite what they all said and what you believed, you were always a better Black, you were like a god, like our ancestors were described, handsome, brave, cunning, charming and charismatic; with just the right amount of rebellion. Once father and grandfather Arcturus die, if you do not take up the mantle of Lord Black, Cissa or Bellas sons will take the mantle, I doubt Bella will have a child, therefore you'd be giving the house of Black to the Malfoys, you're smarter than that lord Black; You are what the House of Black desperately needs, a fresh start, and most of all change.
Secondly, as we are on the topic of the House of Black, mother… she went crazy after you left, she was already crazy before then, who wouldn't if they had to deal with you and your teenage rebellion? But in a sense, despite the fact that you were constantly driving her to the point of insanity, you leaving broke her. She punished me (probably trying to trick herself into thinking she was punishing you), she yelled for days on end and destroyed much, but she was mourning her son. I know you hate what she did, I know you hate how she treated you and I know you think that she hated you, but Sirius… she never did, she loved you, how could she not, the similarities between the both of you are uncanny, she loved you most, you were definitely the favourite son. You had a spark that only she could understand, if you ever do meet with Grandfather, do ask him to regale you with tales of her teenage rebellion, you'd be surprised at how she used to be.
Lastly, get over yourself, stop fearing love and commitment, from someone who has never loved to someone who is in love but afraid of it… embrace it, don't fear it, you are blessed enough to feel love and be loved, cherish it. Elizabeth Gilmore is the one for you, she is perfect, and even better her name suits yours, Lady Elizabeth Black, has a nice ring to it don't you think. Spend every moment you can loving her, cherish her, however, I warn you not to burn your soul for her, she would never want that, after all, love can cause a man to do great good, or great evil.
Adieu frère, je t'aimerai Toujours.
Your brother,
Regulus Arcturus Black.
Oooft that was heavy, and once again so sorry for the pain I caused you! As always a spoiler or two down below!
"Fred and George are asleep upstairs, they're one years old, they will wake up within an hour and then they'll need to be fed, they can walk and talk jibberish, but they're already troublemakers so be careful with them. Bill, Charlie and Percy all have to be in bed by 7:45, lights out by 8:00."
Well, that's exciting baha! Now for something juicier!
And then there was a loud bang and all went black.
There is so much exciting content I have sitting around and I can't wait to share it all with you guys! Actually the other day i went through my plan and turns out the story is around 60 chapters! So there's a while left to go, but not too long! We still have to get to the exciting stuff!
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Lots of love and kisses!
Ruby xx