Disclaimer: I do not now or before and most likely not in the future, own Final Fantasy, Square Enix or any of the characters.
A/N: The next couple of chapters have a lot of melodramatic stuff, but it is partly what I was going through at the time that contributed to all the drama here. I was channeling my own broken heart while dealing with my divorce. There is also a flashback in this chapter.
Reviews, critiques and flames are welcome. I absolutely love all reviews about the story as it gives me motivation, I use good constructive criticism to help my writing improve and I feed the flames to the fires of my imagination.
Thanks to my before posting beta Queen of Jokers and my after posting beta SubZeroChimera!
"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." –James Dean
Chapter 78
The air hung thickly around the group and no one talked for what felt like an eternity. No eye contact, and the only sound was the echo of footsteps that would rebound through the acoustically challenged hallway. The occasional call over the intercom would interrupt their attempt to rationalize the situation as it stood.
Rick approached them from the ICU and spoke quietly, "Kunsel is out of surgery. He's fine and they just took Rude back for his surgery."
Yuffie spoke from her spot at Vincent's chest, "Harding, Steve and Hector. I can't believe that they're gone."
Vincent had seen many things in his years as a Turk, death, destruction, murder and even love. He wanted to comfort Yuffie, but never really needing to do that before, you could say it was somewhat new to him. He wasn't even able to comfort Lucrecia in her time of need. With a sigh at what he'd lost, he tried, "I don't know what to tell you. It all happened so fast, we didn't have time to change anything." Yuffie's breathing pattern never differed, but she snuggled closer to his chest, "At least we were able to burn Jade's body before she could taint the life stream," Vincent cradled Yuffie as she cried into his chest. Vincent added, "I was hopeful that Steve would pull through." Lightly rubbing Yuffie's arm, he solemnly said, "I haven't heard from Sephiroth since he disappeared."
With noticeably bloodshot eyes that were wet from crying, Yuffie's tears rolled unrestrained down her reddened cheeks. With her words suddenly muffled in Vincent's chest, she grabbed two handfuls of his shirt and red tattered cape, "I'm worried about Seph," Looking up, she locked to his gaze, "I know he didn't mean to do it, he was just so… frightened after Cloud… fell…" Incoherently she began crying again and the only word that Vincent was able to understand was, "…Cloud…"
Red quietly stated just loud enough for Vincent to hear, "We lost so many, I do not think that anyone will be the same," Changing his glance down the hall at the woman sitting in one of many chairs, "She may never come back from this."
Closing his eyes, he wanted so much to do something, but what could a former Turk do in this situation? Vincent could feel his demons stirring and even Chaos was oddly quiet about the situation. It was difficult to keep the demons at bay during his time with the group. Explaining demons that resided within him was a subject that he'd never had to explain before. How would he even start that conversation?
However, they still talked to him. Chaos, being the most prominent and the most dangerous, even liked the young blond. Vincent was suspect in the demon's motives for liking the blond, however. It wasn't unusual for the winged demon to try talking Vincent, or even showing up himself, to take advantage of a man, woman or even beast. Luckily, he'd been able to keep them all hidden from everyone.
But now, it was over and Chaos rustled around quietly, but Vincent knew that the demon was happy that Jade was dead. It was his urging that prompted suggesting burning her body. Although glad that she was gone, Chaos had wanted to let loose so he could put his own brand of justice to the beautiful winged woman.
Vincent got shaken from his thoughts when Barret walked with a purpose down the hall toward them, "It seems that in this little ass hospital, we have a whole wing occupied." Barret glanced down the hall. The standard issue hospital waiting room chairs lined one side of the hall. Tifa sat alone in a darkened part of the hall, staring blankly at the floor in front of her, "How is she doing?"
A bright red mane shook, the beads on some of the braids clinked together, "She hasn't moved… Barret, how are you?"
"I'm fine, why?" Barret's demeanor changed slightly.
Red sat down and looked at the large man in front of him. Barret's eyes were swollen and bloodshot, "The fact that we lost Harding. I thought that you might be upset."
Barret huffed and crossed his arms, "Me? Upset about losing that asshole? Pfft, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard," He turned and looked at the wall and sniffed, "Damn cold freakin ass weather got my fuckin allergies all messed up."
Red nudged against the large man's leg, "They are preparing him and his belongings to take back to Midgar along with Steve and Hector. I think it would be a wise idea if you were to make sure that everything is taken care of. You are the leader of Avalanche after all."
Barret turned and huffed, but it didn't fool anyone, "Fine, if no one else'll do it, I will."
Vincent's arm unfurled from Yuffie's shoulders. The sound of his footfalls doubled in the hallway from bouncing off of the cool blue colored tiles, but still Tifa didn't raise her head. The sling that her broken arm was in, hung lowly from her slouched shoulders. Her breathing was shallow as she unconsciously nursed her broken ribs with her other arm. Untidy hair that was usually well taken care of lazily swung back and forth in the light breeze of the warm air from the heater vents and her slow breaths.
"Tifa," Vincent stood across from her, "It has been several hours since we got here, you need to rest." Her lack of response was louder than any noise she could have made.
Reno came out of one of the exam rooms with bandaging around his waist and chest. He slipped a plain white shirt on over his head and sat next to her. Making his voice as jovial as he could, and failing at his attempt, the back of his hand nudged her, "Hey, what's up sexy?" She still remained silent, and it unnerved him, "Tifa, ya gotta snap out of this."
"I do not think that she hears you," Vincent crossed his arms, "Any news about Cid yet?"
Reno sat forward, "No, he's still in surgery. Sebastian is picking Shera up to bring her here if he doesn't pull through. Have you heard anything about Kunsel or Carmine?"
"Kunsel just got out of surgery not long ago and Carmine is in the ICU with everyone else," Vincent couldn't keep his eyes off of Tifa. He'd never seen her so despondent, after going through what she did just seemed to send her into shock. As he watched Aerith glide down the hall he couldn't help but wonder why Sephiroth attacked Zack. He had a pretty good idea that it had to do with Aerith, but Cloud had paid the price in the end.
Aerith pulled Tifa up and wrapped her arms around her, "Come on Tifa, you need to go see him."
An imperceptible whisper from Tifa got their attention, "I can't."
"Tifa, I'll be right there with you, but it's important that you see him before-"
Tifa jerked back in a quick movement, "I said I can't do it! I just can't…"
Reno pulled her to him, "It's okay, you don't have to," Reno's arm covered her shoulders, "But if you don't, you might regret it later." Tifa shook her head and slowly leaned her head to his chest, so Reno added, "Well, then come with me to go see Kunsel, he's out of surgery." Tifa followed his steps blindly as he went back in the direction that Aerith had come from, "Here, we go."
The door opened to the intensive care and post op rooms. It was a large room that had the funny little curtains that gave you an impression of privacy. Everyone knew better, they were like the backless hospital gowns that gave a false sense of security. Kunsel's bed was between two other beds, one of which, the curtains were drawn closed. Carmine's bed was next to Kunsel's on the other side and Tifa slipped out of Reno's arm and stood across from Kunsel's 'room.' When Reno got there, he slapped Kunsel's foot, "Hey, you're awake man!" The slap earned a glare from the recipient, but Kunsel tugged a tight smile to his lips at the gesture.
Tifa ignored the chatter from them both. Not looking anywhere else, she didn't look around the area, not curious, just trying to avoid the seeing one person in particular. She didn't know anymore, she felt broken, lost and forever changed for the worst. She had him, right there within her touch. He had fought the demon and came out victorious. His eyes had looked at her, his smile directed at her, and then the worst happened. Lifting her gaze from the floor, she looked at the end of the large room, and there in a bed was the love of her life.
Lying slightly raised, his blond hair jutted up from behind the tube that hooked him to the breathing machine. With his beautiful eyes closed; she would never see those eyes look at her again. Unbeknownst to her, she'd slowly and steadily been walking toward him.
His hands lay gently at his sides, calloused and rough, but tender when they touched her. The IV tube punctured under his soft pale skin on his arm. The hospital gown, pulled down to his waist and the chest tubes that protruded from his sides were repulsive to see. A large gauze bandage, stained with a patch of blood, taped to the center of his chest. The exotic silver wings lay beneath him, another reminder of the circumstances that brought them here. Would she never be able to roll up to and fall asleep to the sound of his heart beating again?
The rhythm of the breathing machine kept a steady pattern of noise of air that passed into his lungs. A noise, and his chest rose, then a softer noise and his chest fell. A black screen displayed the slow cadence of his heart. He was so still, so quiet. The tubes, the noise and the beat of the monitor over the small speaker took everything in her to restrain herself from tearing through the hospital to find her own end. Maybe then they could be together in eternity.
Surgical tape held the tube in place in his mouth; she wasn't able to kiss him again. Little white sticky discs stuck to his chest and temples. Reaching his bedside, she hesitantly reached out and felt of his arm, he was warm, deceptively warm. It sent a shudder of hope through to her stomach. Still, she couldn't shed tears and she didn't know why, at first.
Closing her eyes, she saw him, behind her eyelids, everything about him was beautiful. Beautiful smile, beautiful eyes, beautiful soul and that was what he was, would always be, simply beautiful. She knew he would've hated that she thought of him that way, but right then, she didn't care.
The loud bustle of noise was an opera of varying voices. The desks, lined up in neat rows of four and five across. She bounced in the room with the smile that she was born with and loved to display daily. Picking the perfect spot for her book bag, she hunted for the desk that was in the best spot. The desk that called to her was in the back on the first row. From there, she could see the room and everyone, she wouldn't miss a thing. The class was full, a small town that was steadily getting bigger. No one sat in the desk right next to her, the seat had a crack in it that pinched the back of any legs that rested there.
The teacher quieted everyone and the noise began to fall and she settled in for a brand new year in fifth grade. That's right, fifth grade, she was proud of the fact that she had made it and was finally older, no longer the younger kid that got picked on. Her smile did not fade, even as the teacher began writing on the chalkboard.
When it was almost time for recess, the knock on the door drew everyone's attention. The principal ushered a student in, she couldn't see who, the girl in front of her just so happened to have a large head. With a sigh, she tried looking around the head, but it was no use. Disgruntled, she threw her elbow on the desk top and planted her chin in her palm.
"Well hello there young man, what is your name sweetie?" The teacher put her hands on her knees in trying to get closer to the boy. He evidently said what it was, but she wasn't able to hear from the back, "Well class, we have a new student. Everyone say hello to Cloud."
A few giggles scattered through the room as the class said in unison, "Hello Cloud."
The teacher brought him back to the only desk that was left, right next to her. She saw blond hair that seemed to float on its own down the aisle until his face was within her sight. It stuck up in every direction and she thought how cute it looked. Every other boy had his hair combed flat on their head and it almost looked spit shined. But here was a boy who had hair that appeared to defy gravity. When he raised his head to look at the desk he got escorted to, she saw his eyes.
She didn't ever remember seeing eyes like that before or after. The deepness of the bluest cobalt was intoxicating, even in grade school. Like deep oceans, she found it hard to turn her eyes from them. Mesmerizing sapphire lagoons that just were almost too beautiful, they couldn't be real, it took her breath away.
To say that she was suddenly infatuated with him from the beginning would be an understatement. He looked away from her and down at his desk top and slowly pulled a pencil from his bag. Being the outgoing person that she was, she immediately spoke, "Hi! I'm Tifa. It's nice to meet ya… Cloud."
His eyes found her face and his pale cheeks turned the cutest shade of red. His voice was soft as he whispered, "Hi."
Elbow back on her desk, she rested her chin in her palm again and raised her eyebrows in interest, "Cloud… that's a weird name." She smiled, but he dropped his face back down to look at his desk top again, she then added, "I like it, it's different. I like different. Don't you?"
He cut his eyes over to her and a small shy smile turned his lips up at the corners, "Yeah."
Just a few minutes later, recess time was gratefully welcomed by the entire class. The new boy stood on the side of the playground and watched the other kids play. With his arms wrapped around his chest, he glanced from one kid to another. Tifa could tell that he wanted to play, but was just too shy to just join in. That was fine with her, she had a remedy for his predicament.
The sudden interest sent her directly to him, "Hi again. You wanna play?" He stared at her, not saying anything, "So you're shy huh?" Again he said nothing, "It's pretty hard when you're the new kid, isn't it?" Finally he nodded, "So what games do you like to play?" Looking at him, he was a small boy, skinny and he looked like all knees and elbows.
His eyes shifted from her to a group of kids that was playing with a ball. When his eyes met hers again, he quietly said, "Kick ball."
Tifa wrinkled her nose, "Really? What about red rover or chase or even Soldier?"
His eyes lit up, his eyebrows arched and his whole body straightened and seemed to light up from within. For the first time, she saw his true light when he spoke of his hero, "Soldier?! I want to be just like General Sephiroth!"
Puffing her chest out, she put her fists on her hips, "Yeah, me too! You know, he made it as the youngest Soldier first class and general in Shinra history!"
He covered his mouth as he giggled, nodded and a radiant smile covered his face, "I got a first edition poster of him! My mom got it for me for my new room."
Tifa clapped her hands together, "Let's go!" She took him by his hand and pulled him across the playground to her friends. The softness of his skin next to hers sent a shot of electricity through her and got her heart fluttering. Trying to hide her blush, she got to her friends, "Hey guys, this is Cloud, he's going to play Soldier with us."
One boy said with a sneer, "What kind of name is Cloud anyway?"
Stomping her foot, she eyed him defiantly, "Jason Conners! Don't be so rude!"
Jason scoffed, "Fine, come on, let's go play."
Tifa always chose to pretend that she was the monster - only because Cloud would chase her.
An inferno of tears finally fell, a torrent that broke through into a flood of emotion. Her heart pounded, she wanted to just rip it out of her chest and throw it away. At least then, she wouldn't have to feel anything anymore. She was falling down in to a depth that she had never been before and it scared the hell out of her. It was dark, where no light, not even memories of Cloud could exist, so the heavy blanket of despair covered her and threatened to suffocate her.
The head ache trapped her in the painful memories of earlier that morning. Barely able to feel anything outside of her heart, when a chair touched the backs of her legs, she fell back, the seat catching her. Large muscular arms circled around from behind her, a head pressed against the side of her head.
Her uncontrollable crying was not squelched, she felt the dam break and even more poured out. How did she have so much love, so much pain inside her and she hadn't burst yet?
A salty tear dropped on her shoulder, in tickled her skin as it rolled down her shoulder, making its way down her chest and getting swallowed by the bloody material of her shirt. The unknown man was crying and his tears were the ones that were dampening Cloud's blood, making it sticky again.
The large muscular forearms across the front of her chest were soon joined by large black and red wings encircling her, and an uninvited voice invaded her ears, "I'm so sorry Tifa."
She couldn't talk, the feel of his arms held no comfort to her. The dark feathery wings blocked her view of her blue-eyed angel. The thought of not having him next to her just sent the horrid feeling of nothingness right back to the place she didn't want it. Absolute and total emptiness consumed her. Anger began to rise, the anger of why. Why him? Why did it happen? What was going to happen now? So many questions and never enough answers. Her blood began to boil, strong and furious. Before she knew what happened, Zack was laid out on the floor cupping his face where she'd punched him while he still refused to look at her, "Look at me damn it!"
"Tifa… I'm sorry, I-" Zack finally raised his eyes briefly.
Reno and Vincent got to her side, "Tifa, let's go."
She jerked out of Reno's hands, "No! I want to know what he is going to do now. Are you just going to live your life, while Cloud…?" A fresh batch of tears surged forward and there was no stopping it, or her. She had to get out of that room, the walls were closing in and she just couldn't breathe.
Vincent followed her outside. The cold wind was harsh and unrelenting. The small town of Frost Village was at the base of the mountains and Gaia cliffs. Tifa stood on the side of the hospital and stared out at the wide expanse of snow fields. The former Turk stepped up behind her and stood to her side. He stared out, getting a grip on the new reality. He didn't say anything; he just stood there, waiting for her when she was ready.
"What now Vincent? What do I do now?" Her shallow tone was flat, no emotion.
"I suppose you sit at his bedside until you're ready."
She swallowed a lump and wiped at her face again, "Ready for what?"
Vincent crossed his arms, "I think you know the answer to that. You're going to have to let him go."
Tifa bowed her head and her crying became too painful for him to watch. He'd always prided himself at being able to stay objective, but this was becoming too much for even him. It reminded him too much of his own feelings for Lucrecia. Seeing the utter anguish in her face, her stance and the ridged muscles that flexed with her increasing sobs, he had to look away.
Reno came running out with a coat and put it around her shoulders, "Hey Tifa, you're going to freeze out here."
"I don't care."
"I know you don't care, but we do," Reno stood next to her and softly uttered, "I do." Vincent looked at Reno as he spoke to her and was hopeful that the red-head could say something to help her. Reno squeezed her shoulders gently, "Tifa do you remember that question I asked you in the bathroom after Jade first took Cloud and Seph?" Wiping at her face with a tissue that Reno pulled from his pocket, she nodded her head as he continued, "I asked you if you would die for him and you said you would. He felt the same for you, I know it," Reno caught her when her legs buckled momentarily, leaning in his comfort.
"I just feel like none of us should have to make that choice, make that sacrifice. It just isn't fair," She took one side of the coat and tugged it down over her broken arm.
"Why don't we go back in? Rude is out of surgery and is doing great. Shera will be here soon and Cid will be out of surgery soon," He pulled on her and she reluctantly went with him and Vincent followed, feeling completely useless.
Vincent wondered how she was going to react when they turned off the machine. Hell, he wondered how he would react.
A/N 2: Thanks to everyone who reads, favorites, subscribes and/or reviews, I appreciate your time and I dedicate all of this to you. To quote another author, "Getting reviews makes me feel all warm and squishy."
Please send me your reviews if you want. It is really easy. Just click your arrow in the little box, write what you thought or felt about the chapter and then click right down there, just below the box. A little lower… a little to the right… yeah, right there! Click it! *grinning*