Another update today, to take the minds of our American friends off of the elections ...

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14. Afraid

I know that case is in the past, but what I feel for you isn't. That's right here, right now.

Elliot's hand closed over hers on his chest and one tear made its way down his cheek. Olivia reached up with her other hand to wipe it away gently. Her hand was shaking and she couldn't speak. So she just acted, and caressed his cheek, hoping he would understand that his admission was just too much for her to handle. Her world had been turned upside down completely over the past twenty-four hours and she felt like Elliot had just reached inside her chest and ripped her heart out. He was literally holding her heart in his hands and there was nothing she could do to get it back. Not that she wanted it back, but she was scared out of her mind. She knew he was desperate to get his memory back and was clinging to her at the moment because somehow, she was familiar to him. But what if he was mistaking the fact that she seemed familiar to him for something else? What if more memories would come back to him and he'd remember his commitment to Kathy? What if he remembered how complicated they used to be and wanted to give her heart back to her in a while? She was doomed one way or the other. Her heart had been his for as long as she'd known him.

She wanted to be here for Elliot, but at what cost to herself? It should be easy to just give in to her feelings, now that he was finally admitting that he felt the same way. But it wasn't easy at all. He didn't remember their past together, so he didn't remember all the reasons why they had never confessed their feelings to each other before. What if she gave in now, and he would regret this later on? It wasn't his marriage or his ex-wife stopping her now. It was her own, deep-seeded fear that she just wasn't meant to have her cake and eat it too. That she was simply supposed to be alone and Elliot would never truly be hers. That they just weren't meant to be. She shouldn't abuse his memory loss to try and force a relationship that they shouldn't even have considered to begin with.

She snapped out of her confusing thoughts when Elliot returned her gesture and wiped a few tears off her cheeks as well. She hadn't even noticed that they were falling.

"Don't leave me, Liv," Elliot pleaded with her. "Please don't."

"Why would you think ..."

"I can see you're scared," he interrupted her, his voice getting stronger as he spoke. "I'm scared too, but not of my feelings for you. I'm scared that you'll run."

Olivia moved away from him. She remained seated on the bed, but turned her back to him. She tried to focus on her breathing. Breathe out slowly. Slowly. He could still read her and he could see her indecision. Fight or flight. She didn't want to leave him but she was so scared that the urge to run was overwhelming. She felt Elliot's hand wrap around her upper arm gently.

"Please don't run," he said and she could feel the sadness in his voice inside her chest.

"If you don't want me to run," she told him without looking at him, "then don't push me."

Elliot let go of her arm immediately and it made her look in his direction. Not into his eyes. Anywhere but into his eyes. She saw his Adam's apple bob and saw his chest tremble underneath the light blue hospital gown as he exhaled slowly. She saw him clasp his hands together nervously on his stomach and she finally looked at his face. He was terrified too. She was the only thing giving him any kind of hope to find himself again, and she was on the verge of abandoning him for fear of getting hurt. Snap out of it, she told herself. He needs you. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You're the one who put him here, for God's sake.

"I won't push you, Olivia. I just can't bare the thought of losing you. If this thing between us freaks you out that much ..."

"It's not that!"

She wasn't sure why she'd felt the need to interrupt him but she finally looked into his eyes after that.

"Then what?" Elliot asked softly.

"I ... you don't remember how we used to be together," Olivia said, forcing herself to sound strong and in control. "What if you start remembering more and ..."

"You're afraid that it's not real."

"Yes."

Yes, that was exactly it. She was afraid he was just confused and didn't dare believe that he could have exactly the same feelings for her that she had for him.

"Olivia, let me tell you one thing," Elliot said, and she could see fresh tears brimming in his eyes. His voice was low and hoarse. "What I feel between us ... what I feel for you ... it is the realest thing I have ever known. And if I never, ever remember anything else, it's enough for me."

They both let out a shaky breath simultaneously and Olivia turned towards him again. When Elliot reached for her, she couldn't suppress a sob and she moved into his waiting arms. His arms wrapped around her waist and her hands went to his shoulders. Their hug was tentative at first, but once Olivia felt his arms around her, she sank into it and exhaled, resting her cheek against his. She felt his hand rub her back gently and couldn't stop another sob emanating from her throat. Elliot was trembling too and swallowing hard, and she moved one hand to the back of his head.

They were holding each other and comforting each other in a very uncharacteristic display of mutual vulnerability. Somehow it felt like a new chapter in their lives was beginning at last. The pages had remained empty for four long years, for both of them, and they had finally turned a new leaf. Elliot could stop running to try and find the one he had been searching for, and Olivia was beginning to heal now that she knew Elliot hadn't abandoned her after all.

"I've missed you," Olivia whispered into his neck once she found her voice again.

"I'm sorry," Elliot whispered back, rubbing her cheek with his.

"I was really angry that you had left without a word."

He held her a little tighter.

"I didn't know."

"I know that now."

"I won't leave you again."

Olivia wanted to say something but she didn't know what to say. She wanted to believe him. For now, she just enjoyed this moment, being in his arms, their tears mingling where their faces were pressed together, cheek to cheek. They were here now, together. Maybe forgetting the past wasn't such a bad idea.

...

Sigh... More to come soon.