I will not be bothered to write the date every time I write in this thing; I must save room on the paper for more important details. Just know that I am writing in this journal every single day...because, well, frankly there's nothing else to do while I'm locked in here. And the writing helps to take my mind off where I'm at right now.

Some might wonder why I don't try to escape again. After all, I escaped the Saarne Institute. But I'll tell you my reason why. It pains me to admit it, but yes...I have finally given up. No, I do not regret any of my crimes; I am just so damn tired of rejection. John Coleman was my last hope. I have had my heart and dreams crushed so many times, I would rather face death than another heartbreaking rejection. Also mind you, this prison is a lot more secured than the mental hospital was; I don't believe I could escape here even if I wanted to try. The world has finally had enough of me, and I enough of it...Hell, who I am kidding? I never belonged in this world. I think I must've been born for failure. I'm ugly...I'm pathetic...I'm worthles! I HATE myself and this body I'm doomed to live with! Esther never caused me anything but trouble!

But more on 'Esther' later. I suppose now I should continue my story. Hmm...where was I...

Well, over the years it didn't take long to find out something was wrong with me. Not only did I stop growing at four feet tall, I never had my menstrual period...ever! I suppose most women would consider that a blessing, to never have to deal with all the blood and cramps. But to me, it was a curse, a nightmare! A constant reminder that I was not a, in the words of my father, a 'real woman'. I'd be lying if I said I don't believe him.

So, doctors diagnosed me with Hypopituitarism, a rare hormone disorder that caused proportional dwarfism. I'm a fucking dwarf: a midget! How pathetic! And how crushed I was to learn of this. I was around sixteen or seventeen when I found out the name of my condition. Of course I was teased brutally all through my school years, just because of my fucking height! It was even worse and more humiliating in high school. I dropped out after my tenth grade year. Well, technically I was suspended for attacking a student, and I just never came back.

I never had a boyfriend growing up. Yes, I know, how 'shocking', right? No boy ever once glanced my way. They were all too busy drooling over Veera; but even she hardly dated herself...Father wouldn't allow it. It didn't bother me much, as Father was my lover. I was, and still am, deeply in love with him; both platonically and romantically. And he though he eventually turned me away, I know he loved me back...in his own way. Or...he used to.

At first, Father tried to make me feel better about my condition; practically forcing me to embrace it, as he made me dress up like a little girl when we made love. This was are special 'playtime'; something he could never do with Veera, she didn't look 'young enough' like I did; of course she was the lucky twin that didn't share my condition. We were identical alright; as in she looks just like me only if I were grown. There are not enough words to describe how much I envied her.

Part of me wanted to hate her for it, but I could never bring myself to it; not fully. We were so close growing up, she was my one and only friend; we were each other's rocks during our hard abuse with Father. If either of us were hit or mistreated by his hands, we would comfort each other. Or, when we were little, we'd hide in the closet together when Father was in another drunken rage.

But as I grew older; and my sister's body matured so very nicely...I found myself wanting to be more than just friends with her. I never made a move on her growing up though, for I knew how much she hated Father's love...I'd be a fool to think she would accept mine. But what she didn't know was that I watched her, I fantasized about her. I'd peek through the doorway to watch her undress; I'd even watch her shower, and pleasured myself as I watched her too. I've lost count how many times I masturbated thinking about Veera and Father both making love to me at the same time. It turns me on just thinking about it now! But before I even had a chance to tell her how I felt; my beautiful sister decided to leave me. I would've left with her, but my bond to my Father was too great; I didn't know how to live without him.

I remember it like it was yesterday. We were eighteen. Father had went off on her pretty badly that night; he gave her a black eye. I was sitting with her on her bed, comforting her afterwards. I combed my fingers gently through her long dark hair as her head laid in my lap; my poor sister still sobbing, while I resisted the urge not to touch her 'inappropriately'. God, she smelt so good and all I wanted was to kiss her and hold her close; let her know I wanted to take away all of her pain. But she spoke up first and what she said made my heart skip a beat, and not in a good way!

"I'm running away, Leena."

"What?" I heard her, but I didn't want to believe I heard her. She couldn't have been serious!

But she was!

"I said, I'm running away," she repeated, "Tonight."

"Veera, no!" I pleaded, "Why?! You must stay here with me and Father! It's...it's not a family without you!"

"Yeah, some family!" Veera sniffled, sitting up slowly, she shook her head as she looked me in the eye. "I can't believe you'd even say that, Leena! Aren't you afraid of Father? Why aren't you?! Look what he did to me!" She pointed to her eye, which was almost swollen shut. "What he does to us...Every. Single. Day. It's every goddamn day now, Leena! What kind of a 'family' is this?! Is this what you call a family?!"

"A close family," I said and my twin sister drew back; appalled at my answer.

"I swear to God, Leena, Father has you brainwashed! Do you honestly think this is NORMAL?!"

"Keep your voice down, Father will hear you!" I warned sternly.

Veera just shook her head again and got up from the bed; going to her closet, she grabs a luggage bag and starts stuffing her clothes in it. My heart lept into my throat. My God, was she really serious?!

"Veera," I rushed to her side, "Veera, what are you doing?"

"What did I just say?! I'm leaving! I'm tired of this, Leena! I can't live like this anymore! And neither should you! Father's insane!"

"No! Father loves us!"

"He RAPES us! That's not 'love', Leena! It's sick! And...And you're sick for even thinking otherwise!"

"Easy for you to fucking say," I snapped back, "You're gorgeous, sister. If you leave here right now, there's no doubt you'll find yourself a man! Father is all I have! Father loves me. He loves me more than you! You know I've always been his favorite!"

"Favorite?!" Veera looked absolutely disgusted. She quickly zipped up her bag. "This isn't about favorites! I don't want to be Father's anything!"

I glared at her; my vision blurry with tears as I watch my twin open her bedroom window. Holding her bag, she was about to climb out, but she paused suddenly and turned to me once more.

"Come with me, Leena. Please!" She begged, "You can't stay here. How can you even be happy here? I'll help you. We can leave Tallinn tonight; find an apartment as far away from here as possible. We can start over, we can have a normal life...A better life! Anything's better than this!"

I stayed silent for a long while as the tears rolled down my cheeks. Though I appreciated her offer, her loving kindness; I knew I could not accept. I slowly shook my head.

"I can't," my voice was barely above a whisper.

"Yes you can, Leena!" Veera urged on, "Don't let him hold you back, Leena. Don't let him do this to you! You think he loves you...He doesn't even know what love is!"

"Y-You're wrong! Father loves me for who I am. I guess I can't say the same for you though."

Veera looked hurt; disappointed and crushed all in one. She made one last attempt as she reached for my hand; but I quickly recoiled. She sighed quietly and turned towards the window.

"Good luck, sister," were her last words to me that night, as she disappeared out the window and into the darkness.

I was sure she would come back...but she never did. It would be years before I ever saw her again.

Now I had Father all to myself. For awhile, that was a good thing. But I soon would learn...Nothing was permanent...