19. Blame

Olivia opened her mouth but didn't know what to say. While she had never been certain that Elliot was in love with her, there was no denying their special connection, or her own love for her former partner. Kathleen had put it out there and she was at a loss for words. The young woman didn't seem upset by the notion of her father being in love with another woman than her mother, but it was still an awkward moment.

"I'm not trying to make you feel uncomfortable," she heard Kathleen say, and when she looked up at her, she could see that while Kathleen was a little shocked herself, there was no accusation in her eyes at all.

"Okay," she managed to say.

"I'm glad, you know. I always wanted my dad to be happier than he was. I know he tried to be the best husband and father he could be, but with his job ..."

Kathleen looked down and shook her head.

"His best just wasn't good enough for mom."

"Kathleen ..." Olivia started, but the young woman held up a hand to stop her.

"No, please. I'm just stating a fact. And I don't blame mom for that either. She had every right not to be satisfied with what she was getting because it wasn't enough. Dad was doing it all on willpower and his sense of responsibility, but in the end, his heart wasn't in it. Because his heart belonged to the job and to you."

Olivia blew out a breath and swallowed. She looked at Kathleen when she finally sat back down on the couch.

"The fact that he remembers you only proves that, wouldn't you say?"

Olivia nodded. It certainly meant something that he remembered her and not his wife and children. Even Cragen seemed to have jiggled something inside Elliot. In the end, the job resonated more with Elliot than his own family, and in a way, that was sad. Kathleen was right. Kathy had had every reason not to be satisfied with the state of her marriage.

"What I do blame mom for, is trying to trick dad into a fake happy marriage after his memory loss. He wasn't happy before, and he wasn't happy afterwards. She should have just let him go. And I'm sorry I didn't realize that yet at the time."

Kathleen choked up and quickly took another sip of lemonade to mask her emotions.

"And where were you when all this happened, Kathleen? It's not all about your mom and dad, you know. You have your own life to live, too."

Kathleen smiled, blinking away her tears, and looked at her.

"I know, Olivia. And I didn't forget to live it. I moved from campus to Harlem. I have the best boyfriend in the world and I do freelance work as a reporter for several newspapers."

"Harlem? Why'd you move there?" Olivia asked.

"Terrence was born and raised there, so I moved to his 'hood'," Kathleen explained, making air quotes when she said 'hood'.

"Hood? You got yourself a handsome black man?" Olivia asked with a smile.

"Yeah," Kathleen sighed, her eyes glossing over a bit. "He worked really hard to get ahead. Got into college with a sports scholarship and made the most of it. He majored in journalism like me and has a steady job as an editor now. Sometimes we even work together and that is so cool."

Olivia could tell that Kathleen was very happy and she was happy for her. But there were two Stabler kids left.

"What about Dickie? Where did he end up? Is he still in touch with his father?"

Kathleen looked away briefly and Olivia noticed some discomfort on her face at the mention of her brother.

"Richard," Kathleen said slowly, looking back at Olivia to make sure she understood that her brother didn't want to be called Dickie anymore, "he wasn't your biggest fan you know."

"I know," Olivia replied, remembering how the boy had once asked her quite bluntly if she'd ever slept with her partner. His father.

"He's always been wary of you. You know, the whole sons siding with moms thing. He knew there was a lot of tension between mom and dad because of you, and he hated dad for choosing the job over his family, because he felt like he was choosing you over mom."

Olivia opened her mouth to say something, but Kathleen beat her to it.

"I know it wasn't like that, Olivia. And I know you never encouraged dad or led him on. It's just the way Richard felt, because it was the way mom felt."

"Fair enough," Olivia mumbled.

She drank her wine and tried to relax while Kathleen continued.

"But deep down, I know he always wanted to make dad proud of him. That's a son thing too, I suppose. He really looked up to dad professionally because he used to be in the Marines and because he was a cop. Maybe he wasn't the best husband or dad in the world, but he was doing something meaningful with his life. Richard wanted that too, so dad would be proud of him."

Kathleen paused and finished her drink. She set the empty glass down on the coffee table, and Olivia followed suit, downing the rest of her wine and setting her glass on the table as well.

"He joined the Marines after all and is in training to become a technical engineer on an aircraft carrier out in the Pacific. Dad's memory loss hit him hard, because he wanted the 'old' dad to be proud of him. Not this empty shell of a man who is trying to be his father but doesn't remember their history at all."

"Elliot is not an empty shell of a man ..." Olivia interjected, not pleased with the label that was being put on him.

Kathleen smiled widely at her then.

"I know. He's actually become this very balanced and deep, wise person, right? But he's not the dad that Richard wanted to make proud. If it turns out that you are the key to bring back dad's memories, I'm sure Richard will be eternally grateful. He'll be the first to welcome you into the family!"

Kathleen laughed at her own little joke and Olivia couldn't help chuckling with her, but Kathleen's comments didn't exactly help her relax. She seemed to think it was a given that she and Elliot were going to end up together.

"I hope he will start remembering more, Kathleen. I really do. It's just a little scary that he seems to be latching on to me like I'm the only one who can help him."

"Well, you have to admit it's kinda special after four years, that he's suddenly dreaming actual memories, and they're all about you. He says he can finally stop searching, because he's found the one he's been looking for all along."

"Yeah, he told me that, too," Olivia said softly.

"Don't be afraid of it, Olivia," Kathleen said.

Olivia could tell that the young woman had calmed down now, after the first surge of emotions when she'd come over to see her. She was actually the one comforting her, in stead of the other way around.

"He's still dad. You know him. You know that deep down, his character hasn't changed. And you've always been able to handle him, so you'll be able to handle him now. I'm sure of it. In fact, I think you'll be the only one who will be able to handle him once more memories come back to him. It'll be intense and he'll need you more than ever."

Olivia knew Kathleen was right. And she wasn't afraid of Elliot. She was just afraid of getting hurt emotionally again. Of getting her hopes up, only to see them crushed later on. It had always been that way so she had just given up expecting anything else. Why would it be any different now?

"I guess you want to know about Elizabeth too, right?" Kathleen said, and Olivia focused on the conversation at hand again.

The youngest of the Stabler girls was the child she'd had the least contact with over the years and she waited for Kathleen to tell her about her younger sister.

"Liz basically feels the same way as Richard because they're twins, but she's keeping her distance, just like Maureen. I think Maureen told her to just let mom and dad work out their own issues, because she tried to stay out of every conversation, even though she still lived at home when dad lost his memory. She took care of Eli for a while when dad was in the hospital, and just kept taking care of him when dad came home. When dad decided to move out, she suddenly announced she was leaving too, to move in with a few friends in the city. The six of them rent a loft together and have their own little commune. I think she just needed to escape, but without a job, she couldn't afford a place of her own and she didn't want to live on campus. She's in her senior year of college now so hopefully, she'll be able to move out of that group soon."

Olivia cocked an eyebrow, her interest piqued by Kathleen's last remark.

"Why do you say that? Is something wrong with the group?"

Kathleen shrugged.

"I'm not sure. I just ... the few times I visited her there, I just got a weird vibe from the group. It's like they do everything together and it creeped me out. You know, I wondered where they all sleep and what goes on at night, if you know what I mean."

"It's a mixed group?" Olivia asked, instantly concerned for Elizabeth.

"Yeah. Three girls and three boys. They smoke pot too, and I've seen stuff lying around in Liz's bedroom that definitely isn't hers. Girl stuff too. But hey, they're all consenting adults, right? I figure Liz would say something if there were things going on she wasn't okay with."

"I certainly hope so," Olivia said. "Do your parents know about her living conditions?"

Kathleen shrugged again.

"Mom's been to the loft maybe twice and Liz made sure everything was squeaky clean then. Dad never visits any of us, we always visit him at his place. And mom usually has us over too. It's easier for her and she likes to have us in the house we all grew up in."

It had been an intense conversation and a trip down memory lane for Olivia, and she was very tired. She covered her mouth to hide a yawn but Kathleen noticed anyway.

"I'm glad we had this talk, Olivia, and I'm glad there are no hard feelings between us," she said, standing up.

"Me too," Olivia said, standing up as well. "You're leaving?"

"Yeah. I should get home. Terrence will be wondering what's taking so long. I ehm ... hadn't expected to visit you tonight you know, just dad."

Olivia walked to the door with Kathleen and a thought hit her.

"Kathleen, how did you get my address? I'm pretty sure your dad doesn't know where I live."

Kathleen put on her coat and turned around to face her.

"When I was with dad, Fin dropped by. He gave it to me."

"Oh."

Fin went to visit Elliot at the hospital? She'd have to ask him about that tomorrow.

"I hope to see you again soon, Olivia, and meet your little boy."

Olivia told Kathleen that she was always welcome.

"I'm going to talk to mom about this," Kathleen announced before opening the door. "She has to know how wrong she was to keep you away from dad. It was a very selfish thing to do and once again, I'm so sorry that I went along with it."

"It's alright Kathleen, I understand now," Olivia said.

And she did. It still hurt, but she could understand it from the kids' point of view. How could they have known that Elliot had never bothered to say goodbye to her, or that he'd been on his way to see her when he was mugged? Only Kathy had known that. And she'd used the fact that Elliot didn't remember it against him. Against both of them. After Kathleen had left, Olivia locked and bolted the door to her apartment and leaned against it. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When was this emotional roller-coaster going to slow down?

...