2. Rihanna - What Now

CHAPTER 1

This Oddly Uncomfortable Position

A year ago

Saturday, October 20, 2012

I was trying to find the key to my apartment in my purse, but I couldn't see a shit. I was sure I had put it in there. "Damn." I plunged my hands to the pockets of my coat and… hey! There you are!

I had certainly put it in the purse.

The hallway was dark and my considerably drunk condition made it that much harder to fit the key in the lock. "Come on, baby, just enter the hole," I giggled at my stupid sexual reference. Oh, god, the fact that I was talking to myself was alarming enough.

When after a hundredth attempt I managed to open the door, there was no way for me to enter my apartment like a normal person. I got dizzy as I straightened up from my slight bend as I had tried to open the door, and tripped over, landing loudly and directly on my face.

"Fuck," I muttered. Alcohol obviously desensitized my nervous system, the decision to stretch out my hands and prevent the unfortunate landing came to the centre of my brain when I was already on the floor. I lay there for a few seconds as if to figure out what to do next. When my serious contemplation about nothing was done, I managed to get up and switch the lights on. Strong yellow rays blinded me for a while. I went to the kitchen because I really didn't feel like sleeping. No, nooo way!

I opened the refrigerator and found the bottle of red wine I had opened with Rose just a few days ago. Why it was still there? Alcohol didn't usually last long in this household.

"Come to mommy," I sighed contently as I continued my self-rambling and poured the red liquid into the glass. I sat on the stool and opened the laptop I had left on the kitchen table before I went out. Rose and Alice were smiling at me widely from the screen and suddenly I knew exactly what I was going to do.

I am going to update my blog.

It had been some time since I wrote anything. But tonight, I felt "incredulously pathetic" as Alice had put it earlier and even though I didn't want to admit it, she had been right. As she usually was, to my dislike.

Of course, I didn't publish anything under my real name. Pleaaeeese! I was too much of a coward to do anything like this. I had created an anonymous blog and the name I was using was Romy West. Rose joked around that it sounded like a porn name, whilst Alice knew better. I chose West because of my infatuation with Kanye West's music and name Romy because I was a big fan of an Austrian actress Romy Schneider. How the hell did I know an Austrian actress? Well, it was my Mom with whom I had been watching her movies where she was portraying an Austrian Empress Sissi. My Mom loved European history…

I took a sip before I allowed my mind to go any further into the forbidden territory. Alice and Rose were the only ones who knew about my true identity and usually just teased me about it. Bitches. But they loved it and usually put a couple of stupid comments under my posts.

The blog was nothing else but my personal diary I was using to whine and complain about my poor existence. I didn't really care about stats or numbers.

I typed , logged in, clicked on new post, and stared at the white blank space before me. I took another sip of wine and since I had promised myself that this was going to be the honest and raw mirror of my fucked-up self, I knew immediately what I needed to write.

Blog n. 68

20th October 2012

I have never thought I would find myself in this oddly uncomfortable position. In the position I thought I would never push myself into, not even for the most exciting and breath-taking of feelings out there. Love. The one that makes you do things you swore you would never do. The one that pushes you to be in that oddly uncomfortable position that puts you in even bigger pain in the end. That electrifying, sweep-out-off-your-feet kind of love. Not even then. And I am not talking (only) about anal sex here.

But you know, life happens.

And, eventually, you end up doing a lot of things in your life that you swore you would never do.

Ever.

Because that's who we are. We, humans. We pride ourselves in so many things, yet many of us fail to realise how unpredictable and unstable we are. We change our minds all the time. Because of various reasons. We decide, and then we decide again. And many times it benefits us, and we are so glad we made that right decision. And many times we decide and our decision carries the most undesirable consequences. We regret, we maybe hate ourselves for a while, and then eventually move on with a hope that the next decision would be the right one. And usually it is.

Some of us are like that. And I secretly admire you.

But some of us are so afraid of bad decisions that they rather don't make any.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present you pathetic and greatly unsatisfying existence of Romy West, the master in settling and accepting other's people crap.

Ten years ago, I settled for being a teacher.

A teacher. *rolling eyes*

The first thing on my list of the things I swore I would never do.

Ever.

So, as you all already know, I am fucked-up.

I can't be mend. I was not that strong woman who puts her mind into something and achieves it. I know I could've been if I had not been afraid. I was born to live my dream, but I gave up. And my fragile soul and heart could not be mend….

Oh, god, did I really write fragile soul? I need more wine.

And, as you already know, I love sex. And alcohol. And everything in between because it makes me forget. And I have never really been the fan of relationships, my parents had one that was basically non-existent and the one I had like… eight years ago left me aching and heartbroken.

In the end, years after giving up, I find myself in love. (Hah.) I was in love before. But this. This is the most exciting and breath-taking of feelings out there. That electrifying, sweep-out-off-your-feet kind of love.
And I am holding onto it like a crazy person, because it makes me feel alive. It makes me feel Me again at least to a certain extent. That Romy that gave up on her dreams and feels like a piece of shit.

What is the problem, you ask. Because, there is. Well, I'll tell you. Remember how I told you about the way you end up making bad decisions? This has been the biggest one since I settled for this unfulfilling life for me.

I fell in love with a married man and a father of three adorable girls. And the oldest one happens to be in my class.

I entered the relationship because it made me feel alive and forget the pain, the unhappiness and the episodes of depression I had been getting more and more lately. He charmed me in a way I never expected any man to charm me. And I fell for him. I think he fell for me as well, but who knows?

His wife is beautiful, though. Terrifying, but beautiful. And this is another reason why I don't understand his need for me, an average Jane. Well, Romy in my case.

I just know, for sure, I have said I am never going to cheat or to be the one someone is cheating on someone with. Is that sentence grammatically correct? (I can't tell, too much wine.)

I despised those people, I hated when they said that things are 'complicated'. My old romantic self would never even think about that. She would categorically dismiss even the thought of being someone's lover.

Ever.

But you know, life happens, right? And my old romantic self died ages, ages ago. And even though this situation is messy and confusing and hurting me, I can't stop. I don't think of the consequences of my decision. I don't care. I love him.

I told you, I am a mess.

I fell in love. On of the most exciting and breath-taking of feelings out there. That electrifying, sweep-out-off-your-feet kind of love. The one that makes you do things you swore you would never do. The one that pushes you to be in that oddly uncomfortable position that puts you in even bigger pain in the end.

Like anal sex, for example.

Take care, people. I hope I won't regret this post in the morning.

Your highly drunk Romy.

I hit post and drank that last drop of wine. I was gazing at the screen for a minute or two, my brain empty as it usually was after I had poured my heart out. And I would just absent-mindedly stare at the screen even longer, but my vision started to blur and I knew it was time to finally put my drunk ass to bed.

Not bothering to even take of my shoes, I fell onto bed and with the last drop of strength I managed to pick up the phone to check the time. 4.17. There was a text I had received earlier tonight. I squeezed my eyes to see who it was from. It was from him, from that man I fell for so hard.

Hey, honey, having a free morning. Breakfast at your place? – James.

Yeah.

I was so fucked-up.

A/N I guess it's not exactly what you expected, but things are gonna get a little bit more complicated before we meet Edward. Bella is in one really messy place right now and I need to push her a little closer to the edge. Well, you'll see. I hope Alice and Rose will bring a little bit of fun into this whole thing. I think this whole story is going to be in Bella's POV. Thank you all for the reviews so far! You're great, stay with me :) R.