26. What I really wanted

They sat together in silence for a long time, holding each other and just breathing together. When they finally broke apart, Elliot looked up at Olivia. His eyes seemed calmer now than when she had first seen him wake up.

"I'm remembering things," he said. "Not really people or things that have happened, but ... it's like I remember my situation. Our situation."

"Our situation?"

"Yeah. You and me. I know I ... I loved you but I couldn't give you what you needed because ... because I was married."

His eyes lit up after a brief pause.

"I remember now that I was married!"

Elliot's hands were still resting on her waist and he rubbed her sides gently.

"I couldn't give you any more than friendship ... but I wanted to Liv. I didn't want you to be alone all the time. You have to believe me."

Olivia was forcing herself to keep breathing. Her chest felt constricted. He had loved her all along. In a way, she had known, but she'd never allowed herself to believe it for the exact reason he was giving her now. He'd been married and she wasn't a home wrecker. Neither was he. He'd fought to keep doing the right thing.

"I believe you," she managed to whisper, caressing his cheek gently with a trembling hand.

"I couldn't break up my family. I'm not a cheater."

Olivia nodded, trying to keep her chin from trembling. It seemed like Elliot was telling himself some things about himself that were completely new for him and she needed to focus on him, not herself.

"Do you remember Kathy and the kids now?" she asked him. They still hadn't spoken about why the children had never contacted her or the squad. Maybe he'd remember more now about the situation leading up to the fight at his birthday party.

"No," Elliot said sadly. "I know I was married, but I don't have any images or memories to go with that knowledge. All I know clearly is, it kept me away from you. From what I really wanted with you."

She didn't know what to say to that. She had never wanted to be the reason that his marriage would end and had kept her distance all these years. Except her heart hadn't listened to her reasoning, and had kept beating for him, even while she was trying to love other men. Before and after he left.

"You always tried to scare off my potential boyfriends, you know. So you did have a hand in keeping me alone."

Elliot seemed a little shocked and blinked a few times, but he didn't avoid her eyes.

"I did that?"

"Naturally, you wouldn't remember that part," Olivia muttered, and they cracked a smile at last.

"I'm so sorry that I hurt you Liv. I want to make it up to you," Elliot said earnestly.

"You just get well first, Elliot. Everything else can wait. How's your head now? You seem more awake."

Elliot looked down and reached for the controls of his bed.

"You want to sit up?" Olivia asked, but Elliot glanced at her with a clear message in his eyes. No helping. He was still Elliot.

"The head it better now," he told her after he was finally satisfied with the position of his bed. Olivia had scooted away from him a little and was waiting for him to continue.

"The sandstorm in there seems to have died down a little. It really helps to focus on one thing at a time. How did you know that?"

Olivia hadn't planned on telling Elliot about the last four years of her life any time soon, but she knew he'd start fishing as soon as she'd mention being in therapy. So she tried to work around it, explaining in stead that she dealt with a lot of people who struggled with trauma, and that she'd learned some techniques to help them calm down, like while they were giving an initial statement after an assault. Elliot accepted her explanation for the time being, and she was relieved. She didn't want to add any disturbing memories about her time with Lewis to this emotional turmoil she was in with Elliot right now.

When she glanced at her watch, Elliot asked her if she had to be somewhere soon. She explained that she wanted to pick up Noah from daycare, and Elliot asked her when she was bringing him over again.

"You want to see Noah again?" she asked, unable to suppress a smile whenever her son was mentioned.

"Yeah. He's a great kid. And he's someone I don't need to remember from before. That feels pretty good you know. To actually meet someone that doesn't know things about you that you can't remember yourself."

Olivia hadn't thought of that, but now that Elliot mentioned it, she could really see how disturbing it would be to have everyone around you remember things about your life that you don't know. It might even be frightening.

"I can bring him tomorrow," she said immediately. "It's Saturday so I'll have him with me all day. We do have some errands to run, and I want to take him to the park to feed the ducks, but I can definitely bring him in the afternoon after his nap."

Elliot was very pleased with their plans for the next day, and they agreed that they both needed some time anyway to chew on what he had started to remember and what that meant for both of them. Elliot told her he was going to ask the nurse to bring him a journal to write in, and Olivia thought that was a great idea. When Olivia stood up and started to say goodbye, Elliot looked up at her expectantly.

"Do I get a kiss?" he asked innocently, and Olivia couldn't help laughing out loud.

"I didn't think I'd see the day," she chuckled.

"What do you mean?" Elliot asked.

"Well, the Elliot I know, wouldn't have asked. He would just have taken."

Elliot raised an eyebrow and she could tell he was quite amused.

"I'm that kind of guy, huh? A real alpha male. I'll keep that in mind. But for now, I'm kinda helpless in this bed, so I'm asking this once, okay? Do I get a kiss, Olivia Benson?"

How could she refuse him? Olivia leaned over him and jumped a little when Elliot wrapped his left arm around her and pulled her close immediately.

"See, you're still that alpha male," she grinned, resting her palms on his pillow next to his head.

When she bent her arms to give him a peck on the lips, Elliot moved his right hand up and wrapped his fingers around the back of her neck. When their lips touched, Elliot was less tentative than the first time. His kisses were soft but more urgent, as he pulled her lower lip between his lips before kissing her again. It felt like there was an electrical current running through her veins. Olivia sighed, torn between wanting and fearing more of the longing that was ignited inside her. It was so new and it wasn't. It had always been there between them, but they had never acted on it until now. When Elliot tugged at her lip once more, Olivia gave in and stopped thinking for a few moments. They moaned softly together when his tongue found hers and after a few beats Olivia had to pull away to catch her breath.

"Wow," Elliot sighed.

"Yeah," she replied shyly.

"We should do this again real soon."

They both chuckled nervously and Olivia straightened her back and reached for her coat.

"I'll ehm ... see you tomorrow," she stammered.

"Tomorrow."

"Yeah."

"Yeah."

"Bye El."

"Bye Liv."

"Say hi to Noah for me."

"I will."

...

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