27. Lonely

Noah was excited to go and see his friend Elliot again and Olivia felt something in her chest that she could only describe as pure happiness when she watched him gather his toys that evening, telling his stuffed animals and his dinosaurs all about Ewwie Ot and trying to decide who could come with them the next day.
Olivia was sitting on the couch after dinner, sipping her tea and watching her little boy play. He was so uncomplicated and everything she'd needed when he came into her life. She had never thought she could love someone like she loved Noah. It actually made it more difficult for her to understand her own mother, but she gathered that the trauma of her rape, combined with the constant reminder of what had been done to her, had overshadowed the love that she no doubt had had for her daughter. How could a mother not love her own child? She'd seen it in Elly, a girl who had been destroyed by a lifestyle she claimed to have chosen, but that had eventually cost her her life. A girl who had given birth to the child of the ring leader who had broken her in, and who had been told her son had died. And she still only wanted the very best for her Noah because he was her child. Olivia wanted to honor Elly's memory by raising her son to the best of her abilities.

Serena Benson had tried to protect her daughter in her own way, by warning her not to flaunt her physical beauty, and telling her that all men were the same and not a single one of them should be trusted. After a while, Olivia had learned not to trust her mother either. She had learned at an early age to only trust herself, and when she became a cop and was allowed to carry a gun, it had become even easier to do. She could take care of herself. She was strong, well-trained and armed.

Only one man had ever managed to make her see that things could be different. After a while, she had lowered her defenses a little bit and he hadn't betrayed her trust. She hadn't let him in very far, but they had reached an understanding. They were partners. Benson and Stabler. For better or worse. They always had each others' back, always covered for each other an were brutally honest with each other. He'd been the only one she would feel safe enough with to blow a fuse and she'd taken his outbursts in stride, because they had this understanding. For better or worse. Semper Fi.

There had been something brewing between them for years. But they had never allowed it to grow into something, because it couldn't. She'd accepted that and she could live with it, as long as he was in her life. Her friend and confidant. By her side day in and day out.

And then he wasn't.

She'd been crushed when he walked out of her life without a word. All her defenses had gone up again and she'd buried herself in her work. It was what she lived for, after all. Not for him. Not for Elliot. No, for the victims. But it hadn't been the same without him. Without being able to show up on his doorstep to talk to him for just a few minutes after tough case and knowing he knew what she was going through. Knowing that he knew her. Because that was what had made her not just be alone, but be lonely. After Elliot left, she had no one who knew her. Truly knew her. She didn't mind being alone, but the loneliness was killing her.

David as well as Brian had been an escape from the loneliness. It hadn't worked. Sure, she wasn't alone anymore, but she was still lonely. Because they didn't know her. Not like he did. Any man she'd let into her bed would be nothing more than an attempt to chase away the loneliness. And they would all fail because the didn't know her. They weren't intertwined with her, like he had been. And they never would be. Maybe it was her own doing, because she wouldn't let them in. Brian had tried, he really had. He'd wanted to be there for her after Lewis, but she hadn't let him in. It hadn't been Brian's name she cried out silently when Lewis was taunting her. It hadn't been Brian she wanted to call to finish the bastard off. The one man on her mind, the one person who had ever truly known her, and who still would have understood her without words years after leaving her, had been him. Elliot. Her partner.

But he wasn't there. He hadn't come for her, not even when she made all the headlines. He must have known, she used to think. So she assumed he just didn't care anymore. He knew how strong she was. He must have thought she would be fine. She didn't need him. But she did. If ever she had needed him, it had been after she got away from Lewis. They'd all tried to help her and they had all meant well. She knew they cared about her, Munch, Fin, Cragen, Nick, Brian, even Amanda. But they didn't know her. Not really.

Elliot would have known what to do. How to treat her. Not with kid gloves, like everyone was doing. He would have known better. It had been a heartache on top of everything else, that she had still missed him so much after two years.

And now here they were and suddenly, everything seemed to make sense again. He had left her, but not for good. He'd tried to recover from his trauma and build a new life away from the job, but he'd been on his way back to her when fate had struck and had wiped his memory clean. He hadn't just abandoned her and he hadn't purposefully ignored her when she was the breaking news on all the channels in New York. He hadn't know it was her. He hadn't know, and the instant he saw her that night at the hospital, something had clicked between them, and he had started to remember. He still knew her, and they were getting to know each other all over again. He remembered her. Not all the things they had said and done. Not all the crimes they'd investigated together. No, all he seemed to be remembering was her. Just her. Who she was and what she meant to him. He still knew her.

Noah had gotten up from the floor and was leaning against her knee.

"No cry momma," he said, reaching up to her face to wipe away the tears she didn't even know were falling.

Olivia smiled and wiped at her cheeks, setting away her empty tea cup.

"Momma's okay honey."

"Noah give momma a hug so momma happy again."

Olivia laughed through her tears and picked up her son, holding him close to her. Noah wrapped his little arms tightly around her neck and Olivia took a few deep breaths. She didn't know when or why she'd started crying but she did know one thing. With Noah in her life, and Elliot coming back to her, she would never be alone and she would never be lonely again.

...

Aaaww.
I thought it was important to write this to honor their history before we continue unraveling Elliot's memory. I hope you all agree!