30. I don't know much
Olivia nodded, looking down at their hands in her lap. She caressed the backs of his hands gently with her thumbs and kept looking down while she told Elliot,
"You had made it clear to me that you weren't ready to take a new step with me. Like you told George, you needed me and the job to stay the same for the time being while you dealt with your crumbling marriage. And you ... you told me we could never choose each other over the job again, or we couldn't be partners."
Olivia took a deep breath and breathed out slowly before continuing, lifting her eyes to meet his when she spoke again.
"I needed some time away from you to come to terms with that. I didn't know if I could do it because ... I knew I'd always choose you."
Elliot's eyes suddenly filled with tears and he squeezed her hands tightly.
"You and this job are the only things I've got anymore," he choked out, and Olivia gasped, his words hitting her like a freight train, even harder than the first time she'd heard them.
"You remember?" she whispered, staring into his blue eyes, that now seemed haunted and full of pain.
"I remember saying that and ... feeling that," Elliot said, his voice trembling.
He let go of one of her hands, and brought right his hand to his right temple.
"Another headache?"
Elliot nodded.
"Just gimme a minute."
Olivia waited, holding his left hand between hers and rubbing it soothingly. Elliot was trying to keep breathing as if he hoped to breathe the headache away.
"Almost feels like the barrel of a gun," he sighed after a few moments, still rubbing his right temple.
Olivia remembered the impression of Gitano's gun on his temple and she wondered if this was a normal way of someone's memory coming back. After a short while, the headache did seem to let up, and Elliot looked at Olivia again.
"That moment I remember ... I felt like everything was falling apart and I was such a failure."
"You're not a failure, Elliot," Olivia started but Elliot held up his hand to make her stop.
"No ... Just let me piece this together. I had failed that little boy. I had failed my family and I had failed you."
Elliot was taking deep breaths and Olivia wondered if it wasn't too much at once for him.
"I needed you. More than anything or anyone I needed you next to me on the job, to keep me grounded. So I ... I had to choose being your partner over anything else."
"You're remembering all of this?" she asked incredulously.
Elliot leaned his head back against the pillow and looked up at the ceiling. His breathing was still off and Olivia doubted his headache was really gone.
"It's like ... I remember my part of it but none of the other people involved. Except you, of course. I remember needing you."
"And then I left."
Olivia bowed her head, still feeling shame at her cowardly move all those years ago. But she'd needed some room to breathe, to get away from Elliot's intensity for a while and find her balance again. To accept that despite what had happened between them, nothing was going to change. Yet.
"But you came back."
"Yeah."
She managed a small smile and Elliot gave her one of his own. He seemed very tired now, but he was still completely focused on her.
"When was this?"
"The spring of 2006, if I remember correctly."
"So why didn't we get together then?"
Olivia shrugged.
"That's something I'm hoping you will be able to explain to me one day. Shortly after I returned to SVU, I got involved in an undercover operation for the FBI and they whisked me away unexpectedly for several weeks. When I got back after that assignment, something was different."
"What?" Elliot asked but Olivia shook her head.
"I don't know. Maybe you'll remember one day. We were still a great team on the job but ... I dunno."
She shrugged. She wasn't going to tell him about Dani Beck. Or about Kathy asking her to encourage Elliot to sign the divorce papers he'd been holding on to for ages. Or about Elliot's attempts to move back home to Queens, which had eventually lead to another pregnancy, after which Elliot had indeed moved back in with his family. There was no sense in telling him all that, if he couldn't explain his side of those events to her.
"So I'm in love with you, separated from my wife and in stead of making a move on you, I get Kathy pregnant again?"
Shit. He was already putting the pieces together. She looked at him wearily. It was their story. They had avoided this thing between them at all costs, to save their partnership. In retrospect, they had both simply been too scared to make the first move, worrying that they were reading each other wrong. Fearing that they would do irreparable damage to their friendship if they spoke up and the other person didn't feel the same way. And after Elliot moved back home, they had gotten comfortable again in their status quo. The boundaries were clear again. They were partners. Partners and friends. And that was all they were ever going to be. It was never going to happen.
"Well, I'm not making that mistake again," Elliot said decisively. "I just hope you'll still have me, Olivia. Somehow I feel like I don't deserve you."
Olivia finally smiled a real smile and scooted closer to Elliot on the bed.
"Yes, I'll still have you, Elliot. I've missed you ..."
She had wanted to say more but she choked up again. She didn't feel like her badass self at all lately. Maybe it was because Elliot had shed all of his filters, that she was finally allowing her emotions to come out as well. They'd always been so tense. It had cost them so much energy to maintain the boundaries between them. It was a relief that they didn't have to do that anymore, but the feelings were overwhelming at times.
Elliot sat up and reached for her, and she moved into his arms willingly, allowing him to comfort her.
"How's your head?" she mumbled in his neck while her arms moved around his waist.
"It's bearable," he mumbled back, his lips grazing the skin behind her ear.
Goosebumps broke out all over her shoulder and back and she heard Elliot chuckle. When she turned her head to look at him, her lips were suddenly covered with his. Olivia let out a small sound of protest, but didn't pull back. In stead, she granted him access when Elliot wedged her lips apart, and she drowned in a passionate kiss. She felt overwhelmed again, but not by sadness this time. Elliot's arms were around her and her upper body pressed up against his, and she felt incredibly safe and wanted in that moment. Elliot was pouring out all of his love for her, as if he was remembering all those years of holding back at once and was trying to make up for them in one kiss. They moaned together and Olivia held him just as tightly while they explored each others's mouths and their hands roamed their bodies, making as much contact as possible under the circumstances.
When they broke apart briefly for lack of oxygen, Elliot sighed her name over and over again, peppering her cheek and neck with small kisses until their lips found each other again for another long kiss. Olivia pushed him back until he hit the pillows and kissed him passionately, needing to let him know just how much she'd missed him. When they broke apart again, Elliot put his hands on her shoulders gently and held her so she wouldn't move away too far. His bright blue eyes were shining and his smile was wide. There was no sign of fatigue or a headache left.
"I heard this song once," he told her, his voice low and raspy. "It's like it was written just for me. For us. It says, I don't know much, but I know I love you. And that may be all I need to know."
Olivia's chin started trembling and she blinked fast to keep the tears at bay. She'd waited for years to hear him say those words to her. It was nothing short of a miracle that she was the only one he remembered after four years of total amnesia. He really loved her. He always had. And there was only one thing she could say to him now. Only one way to make sure it had all not been for nothing.
"I love you too."
Their eyes remained locked, and somehow she could tell that he knew it wasn't easy for her to say it out loud. But she'd said it, and now that it was out there, she felt laughter bubbling up from deep within her chest. She chuckled and when Elliot started laughing too, she didn't hold it back. They laughed out loud together, both feeling completely free to do so, possibly for the first time ever since they had become partners and friends.
...