DISCLAIMER: The characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. The storyline's mine :)
EdwardsFirstKiss, thanks for your perceptive eye and help this time again.
This is the last chapter from the past, but I want to give you a little RECAP: In the last past chapter, Bella has cut herself severely and ended up in the hospital in Seattle, being taken care of our beloved Dr. C. Cullen. She injured her hand to the point where she lost the feeling in it for a few months. She was forced to have a psychiatrist, but she never felt comfortable with them and eventually, after a panic attack, she stopped seeing them. She has become terrified of them. At the same time, she was offered a place at the Art Institute of Chicago, but Charlie forced her to give it up and go to UW instead.
The story picks up three years later, and Bella is in her junior year in college, in Seattle.
Enjoy, R.
9. Christina Perri – the lonely
CHAPTER 8
When You Start to Live a Lie
"Too afraid, to go inside
For the pain of one more loveless night
For the loneliness will stay with me
And hold me till I fall asleep."
"I'm a ghost of a girl
That I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl
That I used to know well."
Friday, July 7, 2006
"So, how does it look?"
Dr. Angelic's beautiful face was marred by concern and uncertainty. I was clever enough to figure out that it was worse than I had originally believed. "Bella, are you sure there weren't any falls, excessive or aggressive pulling or straining?"
"Well, I do fall a lot, but by now I have learned to protect my left hand. But no, nothing. I thought my hand was okay. What is happening?" I asked, panic evident in my voice. When I had woken up five days ago in the middle of the night with the pins and needles in my left wrist and hand, I hadn't imagined it was anything serious. I had strange sensations in my hand from time to time, a tingling, prickling, slight burning feeling under my skin. But all those things were normal, said Dr. Angelic. For two and a half years, my hand had functioned just fine. But when the prickling hadn't subsided even after two days, on the contrary, it transformed into the inability to feel my fingers and even move them properly, I became terrified. It was as if I wasn't the one who controlled my wrist and fingers.
Dr. Angelic sighed. "It looks like the nerves are having a hard time. But according to the CAT scan and MR angiography of your wrist, no disconnection in the tissue that we repaired three years ago was found. I can't explain it otherwise, but to me, there has been an internal mechanical damage that is now causing distress and uncomfortable feelings in your hand. I believe it will subside in time if you are careful."
I exhaled in relief. He had bandaged my hand and I had to bear a needle, but it made me my hand feel much better.
Dr. Angelic continued. "Bella, the burning or tingling you feel in your wrist from time to time even after years since your… accident is not unusual – but ideally is not desired. It tells us that the nerves in your wrist, in the place we repaired them, are more sensitive than we assumed, and more susceptible to internal damage. You have to be cautious, Bella. The fact that your hand works well doesn't mean that it is going to stay that way forever."
"Do you think that eventually, I am going to lose the feeling in my hand?" I asked in a voice that could have belonged to a five-year-old.
"Of course not. But we talked about this many times before – the treatment for nerve damage requires a long-term commitment to medication, a great deal of patience, care and cooperation. If those conditions are not met, full recovery might not be achieved."
I sighed. "But it's been three and a half years!"
Dr. Angelic laughed. "And I have patients who damaged their nerves even eight, ten years ago and still need medical attention, nevertheless." He must have seen my tortured expression because his face softened. "I know it must have been hard for you, sweetheart, these last few years, but you're doing great."
Was I? I mean, Dr. Angelic didn't know more than what I had told him three years ago, but he still thought I was having my regular sessions with a psychiatrist and a psychologist. I wasn't brave enough to tell him the truth because I knew it would disappoint him. And to see disillusionment and disappointment in those kind deep blue eyes was the last thing on my list of wishes and desires. To lose the warmth and compassion I felt when he was treating me, his obvious concern and gentle words, seemed like a punishment I wasn't ready to inflict upon myself. Though, obviously, it was the only thing I deserved.
"Thank you, Dr. Cullen, for your time," I said, jumping off the high examination table. "I will be careful, I promise," I said conscientiously.
He smiled. "As long as you promise to yourself, I am okay with that. But tell me, how are you? Besides the obvious, of course," he pointed to my left hand. "Are you going to spend the summer in Seattle?" he asked, adopting a more casual demeanor. I had an appointment with Dr. Angelic every six months, and after the examination, he never forgot to ask about me.
"Yes, most probably. I don't go home that often. All of my friends are here, my boyfriend… Forks is a dead end," I said, not able to avoid palpable detest in the tone of my voice.
He chuckled. "But you don't like Seattle."
"I don't like anything in the upper part of the US. Too cold. Too grey."
Dr. Angelic's face fell into reflection. "Doesn't your Dad miss you?"
I shrugged. We hadn't been particularly on speaking terms for the last few months. And strangely enough, I didn't really give a fuck about it.
Dr. Angelic was about to say something, but a loud knock on the door interrupted him. The nurse didn't bother to wait for his approval; she opened the door, creating a barrier between him and me.
I heard him sigh. "Yes, Brenda?"
"I am sorry for interrupting, Dr. Cullen, but your son just called, and he said it is urgent."
"My son?" There was apparent confusion in his voice. "You mean Edward? He is not supposed to come to Seattle until six," he mumbled, more for himself than anyone else.
"Yes, Edward. He says his daughter has been admitted to the hospital, and he wants you to come down, to the pediatric wing ASAP."
The chair moved across the floor. He must have stood up. "When did he call?" he asked, and I could hear a sudden change in his voice accompanied by a slight trepidation and alarm that I had never heard before. It made my stomach flutter; he was always so calm and focused, he must have been really worried about her. But knowing how big of a heart this man had, I wasn't surprised. How lucky his son must be to have such a father? His granddaughter to have such a grandpa? Reluctantly, I felt a sting of jealousy in my chest.
"Fifteen minutes ago. But I knew you were with Miss Swan, so I didn't want to interrupt-"
"No, it's okay, Brenda, thank you," he cut her off abruptly, obviously stressed, and I knew that if he had known about it sooner, he would have chosen his family over me. It made me angry. I knew that the possessiveness I felt towards him was ridiculous, yet the rationalizing of said emotion didn't make it disappear. Quite the contrary, on the top of it I started to feel disappointed and pushed away.
I swallowed hard, trying not to think about my absurd reaction. Of course, he would choose his son and granddaughter, they were his family.
Brenda closed the door and finally allowed me to see his face. His white forehead was narrowed, and he seemed deep in thought, mobile phone in his hand.
"I'll go then," I mumbled, reaching for the door handle.
"Oh, Bella," he said as if he remembered me standing there. Sting! "I apologize, but I have to go. With regard to your hand, I am sure you know what to do and what not to do. If the numbness persists, or if your hand becomes suddenly completely unresponsive, come and see me at once."
I nodded vigorously.
He tweaked my nose and the corner of his mouth twitched slightly, though the worry on his face spoiled the smile. "Take care, sweetheart."
And he was gone. All of a sudden, the sterility of the room reminded me that I was in the hospital, the place I avoided like a vampire avoided the sun. In a hurry I left the cursed building, taking out the ringing phone from the pocket of my hoodie, seeing that Seth was calling.
"Hi, Seth. Am I late?" I asked. Ever since we moved to Seattle – me, Jake and Seth, and joined Leah – the four of us had become very close. It astonished, but delighted me at the same time. When I didn't feel particularly well – which happened fairly often – the thought of having friends was comforting. Even though, they didn't understand me entirely or grasped how I felt sometimes. Seth and Leah knew about what had happened three years ago, but never commented on it, nor mentioned it, something I highly appreciated. But what surprised me the most, was the relationship I had with Seth. When I knew I was too much for Jake to handle – because of my occasional nightmares, sadness or anxious behavior - I disappeared from the apartment and called Seth. The kid always knew how to brighten my day.
"Hi, B. No, but I can't meet you now. I have to rehearse with the band, I totally forgot we're having a gig tonight, can you believe it?" he laughed.
I smiled. "Yes, I can. Maybe I can come with Jake and Leah," I suggested. It'd been awhile since we'd properly wasted ourselves. "Are you gonna play in The Hook?"
"Yep," he said, popping the 'p'. "Though, I have no idea where Leah is. She said she was going shopping, but you know her. She's never where she says she will be."
"Yeah. Well, break a leg. I hope you're gonna slam it, Slamming Salami," I laughed at the bizarre name of Seth's band.
"Don't laugh, it wasn't my idea," Seth said. "Okay, I have to go, I am already late. See you tonight then."
"Tonight," I responded and hung up.
It was around three o'clock, and I had already managed to run all of the errands I needed to do today. I was thinking of going to the library, but I felt too distressed for that, so I took a bus home instead. Jake and I shared Rachel's tiny apartment, and Seth and Leah had their own, just a few blocks away from us. Luckily, neither one was far away from campus.
Life in Seattle was kinder to me than the one I had in Forks. Living with Jacob wasn't ideal, but definitely less stressful than living with Charlie and Sue. And when I overlooked my not so good days, I would say that I was even sometimes content. With the third year of college finished, we had already chosen our majors; Jacob and Seth chose Mechanical engineering, and I was going to major in Elementary education with a specialization in English. Leah had graduated a month ago with a Business degree.
I had made the decision to become a teacher due to Mom and Dad; it was a profession Charlie approved of and mom had always wanted to become one had she not gotten pregnant with me right after high school. I was never told any details, but I knew that Nana didn't want her to go to college and be a mom at the same time. She basically forced her to marry Charlie which later resulted in a chaotic and unsuccessful marriage that ended in divorce. The fact that Charlie wanted to get rid of me still gave me goosebumps and I tried not to think about it much.
Ignoring the slight burning in my left hand, I opened the door to our apartment, wondering if Jacob was at home. He didn't usually offer to share his whereabouts with me, especially for the last few months. I knew that I was a lot to bear at times, and I wasn't angry at him when he walked away when. my dreams became too scary or when I found it hard to get up in the mornings, feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders, not being able to see a reason in anything. The fact that he returned was what mattered; as long as I wasn't alone, I could function on a basic level. He was with me, he loved me, and I loved him.
The apartment seemed empty, and for that, I was grateful. This whole day carried a somewhat bittersweet aura, and to hide myself from the outer world on a day like this was always a welcomed prospect. I decided to take a quick shower and curl up on the sofa afterwards, watching an old movie and preventing the overwhelming thoughts of despair and hopelessness from appearing until I fell asleep.
But even though my dreams sometimes were crazy and twisted, never in the wildest one would I expect what came next.
Opening the door to our bedroom, my eyes fell upon the naked couple in my bed, in a quite compromising position. The shock that paralyzed me didn't allow me to realize immediately that it was – in fact – Jacob and Leah.
Jacob and Leah.
Naked.
In our bed.
And apparently on the verge of climax, judging by Jacob's facial expression. I knew that face too well.
The moment I grasped for air made them stop their fervent fluid movements and turn their heads to me. The shock that spread on Jacob's face would make me laugh hard had I not been the one he had cheated on. Leah woke up from the trance first, disentangling from Jacob, looking at me in fear.
"Bella, I know how it looks like, but, trust me, it is not like that," Leah said with her palms turned to me, as if she was trying to calm me. Well, that was a pretty dumb thing to say.
I swallowed hard, my nervous system finally kicking in again. "Excuse me?"
"Bells," Jacob breathed and the moment I saw his face, his naked body and his still noticeable erection, I felt the worst kind of nausea, accompanied by the poisonous feelings of disgust, betrayal and humiliation.
When I was completely aware of what had happened, of Jacob fucking Leah in our bed, I retreated back to the living room, because the inevitable wave of salty liquid was threatening to burst out of my tear ducts.
Jacob fucking Leah.
"Oh my god," I breathed, feeling I had trouble breathing properly, the realization setting into every cell of my body. "Oh my god."
"Bella?" I heard him from the bedroom.
"Bella, I swear it is not what you think it is," I heard Leah's voice behind my back. I didn't turn around; to see her naked body was not something I wanted to lay my eyes on ever again. And even if she were dressed, I couldn't care less about her at that moment.
"Get the fuck out," I managed to say.
"Bella…"
"Get out!" I screamed in panic mixed with anger. I had never understood those rare occasions when this wrathful feeling possessed my body – in Forks hospital after I cut myself; when I almost hurt my last psychiatrist with the books I started to throw at him out of nowhere... But it always occurred when I felt threatened, and it was as if I lost myself completely. Panic set in, making me scream in rage, and not seeing anything clearly. But I challenge you to find someone who would see things clearly in a similar situation.
The apartment door closed with a loud thud.
Breathe.
Inhale. Exhale.
"Bells, honey," Jacob said, and I knew he was behind me.
I turned to see him – now completely clothed - and the fury I felt running through my veins was the only thing that was averting the breakdown I was sure would follow. Not wanting to look at his face I left him in the living room, going to the bedroom for my bag, filling it with necessary clothes and toiletries. He was following me like a dog.
"Bells? What are you doing?!" he asked and besides panic, I could hear astonishment in his voice. "You're not leaving, are you? Come on! Bella, let's just talk about it."
I continued to ignore him, feeling the blood rise in my cheeks, making them burn.
Jacob noticed the new bandage on my wrist. "What did the doctor say? You're okay, right?"
I clenched my teeth.
"Bella, would you listen to me and stop running from me for one motherfucking second?!" he shouted, and I froze. Breathe, Bella.
I turned to him, and I felt as if my whole body were on fire. Had I not been furious, I might have never been able to look into his face again. "What?!" I snapped.
"What are you doing?" he motioned to my bag.
"I'm leaving?"
He laughed nervously. "And why would you do that?"
"You have the nerve to ask?"
He narrowed his dark brows. "It was nothing, Bella."
I felt first tear dropping.
He continued. "Look, I know how you must feel-"
"The hell you know!" I screamed. There it was. "The hell you know how I feel! How could you, Jacob? How could she?!" My hands started to shake, and my insides were spasming, my lungs were contracting, and my throat was burning. I was infuriated, betrayed, and humiliated. "Why would you do this?" I asked.
And then it hit me. "You don't love me anymore, do you?" I breathed, and for the umpteenth time in my life, I felt my world crumbling.
Jacob didn't respond at first. Then he shook his head. "Of course, I do, Bella," but I already had my answer.
I shook my head in defeat. "No, you don't."
"Don't be ridiculous!" he said, but we both knew I was right. He didn't want me, it was that simple. And why would he? I had never been good enough for him. I had never believed there was a way Jacob could love me. "But I don't love Leah," he said, confirming my conclusion as if that was an excuse for not loving me.
"It doesn't matter," I mumbled, closing my bag, another tear leaving my eye.
"Don't go," he pleaded, but I saw in his face that he wanted me to go. Those last few months that I had felt something was off hadn't been my imagination. Something had been off – Jacob didn't want me anymore. I just hadn't wanted to see it.
I was crying. "W-why?"
He looked into my eyes. "Why what?"
"Why don't you love me anymore? W-what did I-I do?"
He sighed. "You didn't… I mean… You are just… you are just too much sometimes, Bella. And it fucking scares me, okay? When you don't talk to me and I see that blank expression on your face, like you're somewhere else. When you lie in bed in the morning, crying and I don't fucking know what to do! When you leave the apartment without a word and don't return for hours! When you scream at night and don't allow me to even hug you! And it drives me crazy when you cover your body when we have sex because you don't want me to touch your scars! Damn, Bella, it scares the shit out of me. I can't do it anymore. I really wanted to, I did. But I just think it is crazy what you're doing! I don't get it, I really don't."
Ouch.
Thousands of knives penetrated my flesh, quenching the fire, making me cold instantly. All of my nightmares had come true. Maybe I was living in an alternate universe. It wasn't dreams, but nightmares that always came true in this world.
I silently nodded because I had nothing to say. He was right. I was one miserable human being, a shame of human existence.
I put the bag on my shoulder and shaking I moved towards the door without a second look at his face. I was hollow, I was done.
"Bella?!" he asked in panic. "Where are you going?"
I shrugged, facing away from him. "I don't know."
"Come on, Bells, stay here tonight. Or, at least, let me drive you home."
I shook my head violently. I didn't want anything from him. He had had to deal with me for long enough. "No. No." And then, I looked at him one last time. "I'm sorry, Jake."
I don't need him. I don't need him. I don't need him.
Wandering the streets of Seattle was a familiar activity of mine, but not exactly a desirable one now. If I looked half as wrecked as I felt, I needed to find a place to crash tonight. The first thought that came to my mind was Seth. But he lived with Leah. I checked the time, and it was shortly after four. I didn't have a car, I was highly dependent on Jake in that matter. You don't need a car, Charlie said. Jake has a car.
That night I slept in a cheap hotel room, not far away from our apartment. 'Slept' being a relative term. The next day I took a bus to Port Angeles, calling Charlie after months, asking him if he would pick me up. I was surprised to discover that he didn't know I had left our place in Seattle yesterday. Jacob usually told him everything about me.
He agreed, but didn't forget to mention he wanted to go fishing today and I had just spoiled his plan. Whatever. Nothing was ever good enough for him. The whole idea of spending time in Forks was terrifying to me and I was trying not to think about what I was going to do next. There was no way I was returning to that apartment.
"Jacob what?" Charlie exclaimed when I told him what happened, crying involuntarily. "I don't believe that."
My mouth fell open. "You think I made it up?"
"It wouldn't be the first time that you lied."
Good fucking lord! Wasn't there a place in the world where anyone would trust me? "You can't be serious."
"Let me talk to Jake."
Bastard.
"He's gonna deny it."
"Of course, he will, because he wouldn't do such a thing," he said adamantly. Now that I understood why Jacob didn't love me anymore, I was more inclined to understand him cheating on me. But the way Charlie was defending him, the fact that Jacob was going to deny it, was making me angry once again. It was like a double betrayal. "And stop crying, for god's sakes, Bella."
And that was the end to our conversation.
Sue wasn't particularly happy about seeing me, but the feeling was mutual. Partly, I was expecting my room to be a total chaos, a storage room of sorts, but surprisingly enough, my things were still there. I wondered what had made her to not throw everything away as she had insinuated the last time I was in Forks.
Jacob called me several times until he gave up. Leah called. Seth called. But I wasn't ready to talk to any of them. For three days I hadn't left my room. I cried and wasn't even pretending I was handling this shit well. Charlie and Sue didn't give a fuck about me, singing the same song again and again – Jacob is a saint and he would never cheat on Bella, let alone with Leah. I swore I would never leave my room again. Until I heard a familiar voice from behind the door.
"What are you doing here?" I asked when I opened the door.
Seth chuckled. "Checking on you?"
I rolled my eyes. "And what did you come to tell me? That Satan possessed me or that I have an overactive imagination?"
He sighed. "Stop being a child, Bella. Of course, I believe you. May I come in?" he asked impatiently, nodding in the direction of stairs. This was not a conversation for anyone else to hear. Not that they were interested, anyway.
I let him in.
"Why the hell did you disappear like that?" he asked, sitting in the rocking chair.
"And why would I stay?"
"You could've called me."
"You had a gig that night."
"And?" he raised his brows and then sighed again. "I could've driven you home."
I shrugged and decided not to respond. The thought of that night made me shiver. All I could see was Jacob inside of Leah, his face, her face, how much he enjoyed it… I was nauseous again. During those three days I thought considerably about what had happened. And even though I knew I had hurt Jacob, there was no doubt that he had hurt me by cheating with one of my best friends. Why couldn't he talk to me? Why couldn't he just break up with me? Why did he have to destroy me like this? Were all the people in my life on a stupid fucking quest to hurt Bella Swan? Because, trust me, it was getting more and more ridiculous – how people I trusted were turning their backs on me. And I hadn't felt worse since the day I had to give up on Chicago.
"I was talking to Leah," Seth started again. Hypocritical bitch. How could she do the same thing Emily has done to her a few years ago?
"I don't wanna hear it."
"She says she's sorry," he ignored me. "And that she feels nothing for Jake."
"What do I care?"
"She's leaving for New York at the end of August."
I shrugged and pretended like I didn't give a shit, but I knew what had happened. She must have gotten the internship she had wanted.
"I talked to Charlie and Sue. They still don't believe that Jacob would cheat on you and that asshole denied the whole thing. Leah doesn't talk. I had a fight with both of them."
"Seth," I whined. "They're your friends. Your pack! Leah's your sister."
"That doesn't mean that I have to forgive her if she does something like that! And you're my friend as well. You have every right to be angry."
"I'm not angry," I mumbled. "Well, yeah, I am. I don't know."
"How is that?"
I looked at him. "Do I feel like shit? Yes. Do I feel humiliated and betrayed? Yes. But he doesn't love me anymore. And that is my fault."
"Fuck, Bella! Don't you see? Jacob is an asshole! He became one the minute he decided to fuck my sister. And that he wasn't honest with you about not loving you just proves my point. Why do you have to blame yourself for everything?"
"I don't blame myself. It is a fact, Seth. He doesn't love me because of how fucked up I am! It is not like I have a choice in blaming someone else. It is my fault. If I were normal, he would've stayed with me. If I were normal, I wouldn't have a fucking problem getting naked in front of him and he wouldn't have fucked Leah!" I shouted. I bet Charlie and Sue heard it.
Seth's facial expression was unreadable. After a few moments, he came to me and hugged me tightly. "You are perfectly normal, Bella."
I snorted. What did he know? I bet he didn't understand half of what I just said. But I wasn't going to give anyone that power over me again. No one was ever going to know how fucked up, how crazy and fucking emotional I was. No one was ever going to know what had happened to me.
No one.
"Just go, Seth. I want to be alone," I pushed him away and felt a tingling in my left hand.
"I don't want to go."
"I didn't ask you to come."
"I wanted to propose something," he said.
I stepped back. "Huh?"
"Just listen to me. I know you don't want to return to Jake's apartment-"
I snorted.
He ignored me. "And I know that Charlie would not be very likely to support you if you wanted your own place, so I thought you might want to move in with me in September. After Leah goes to New York."
Was he really suggesting this?
"I know it sounds crazy, but it is the most sensible solution to your situation right now. Charlie is simply too blind to see Jacob's lie, and I know you don't feel comfortable here," he said. I wondered if I had ever said something to him about how I felt living with Charlie and Sue, or if he was just that perceptive. "Think about it. I will take Leah's room if that's what you want. It is just for one year."
Well, yes, it sounded crazy, but I knew he was right. Charlie would most probably tell me to kiss my ass if I wanted my own place in Seattle and force me to go back to Jacob.
"Just give me time, buddy," I shrugged eventually.
"I will. As much as you want. I'm staying in La Push for next two weeks, so we can hang out if you want. I know Embry misses you," he smirked, and I rolled my eyes. I missed him, too.
"I'll call you," I said.
"Great," he smiled, and then frowned. "I know it must hurt like hell, B. But let that fucker go. He doesn't deserve you." He hugged me one last time and then left my room.
I so wanted Seth's words to be true, but it was simply too soon to let Jacob go, let alone to think that he didn't deserve me.
I wasn't worthy of anyone. Of anything, for that matter. I was just one huge example of a pathetic human being, not deserving to live.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
I entered the club already a little drunk. I walked up to the bar in - what one would describe as – a confident walk, but I believed it was far from that, and winked at the barman. "Two vodka shots."
He immediately poured them. I wanted to giggle. How easy it was to make men do what I wanted. I had never had that opportunity before. And I never knew how entertaining it was - to actually flirt. There was a hidden flirty Bella inside me, and the way it distracted me from everything else was amazingly freeing.
"Bella, I think we should go home," Seth said behind me, a reminder that he was accompanying me tonight.
"Don't be silly, Seth. I'm just starting to have fun!"
"You're drunk."
"And you're not," I frowned. I wanted him to have fun, too. I handed him one of the vodka shots the barman had put on the bar. "Look. Here you go."
He didn't take it. "Let's go home."
I shook my head. "No. I'm not going anywhere," I said, filling my system with both shots of vodka. What a burn! In that moment, Shakira's Hips Don't Lie started to play and I was immediately on the dance floor. "Come on, Seth! Have fun!"
"And I'm on tonight you know my hips don't lie… And I'm starting to feel it's right… All the attraction, the tension…Don't you see baby, this is perfection…" I was getting carried away and I loved it. Suddenly, I felt a warm pair of hands on my hips. I assumed it was Seth, trying to pull me away from the dance floor, but when I turned around, I saw a guy I had never seen before, and my breath hitched. My first instinct was to push him away, but before I could stop her, flirty Bella made her appearance once again. I liked the feeling a bit too much.
"Wanna dance?" he asked.
"Why not?" I smiled. Part of me felt like this was very wrong, and the other one couldn't get enough of this new-found feeling. We danced, and we drank some more, and before I knew it, his lips found their way to mine, making me sober in a millisecond. I pushed him away immediately.
"What the fuck are you doing?" he asked.
I was looking at his face. He was quite handsome. Blond hair and blue eyes. Nothing as extraordinary as Dr. Angelic, and nothing as exotic as Jacob; just a regular guy. And maybe this was what I needed. To get lost with someone I didn't know, who wasn't like him. I loved this feeling of being drunk and irresponsible and free. It made me forget, it made me not to feel. It made it all go away. And this felt quite adventurous.
So, again tonight…. Why not?
I pulled him closer to me. Our lips crashed, tongues entangled and before I was able to realize what he was doing, his hand went up my skirt, right between my legs.
Oh, fuck.
"Come with me," he whispered in my ear and I obliged. He led me somewhere in the back of the bar, and being too drunk to think clearly, allowed him to press me against the wall in a dark corner. I was taken aback by his direct approach, but I didn't stop him. I was getting addicted. I wanted to explore the limits. I wanted to feel this way forever - too drunk to fucking care.
So, I allowed myself to be aroused and get carried away completely. The guy took me home with him, and fucked me hard. When he was about to lift my tank top and pull my pants off, I was about to push his hands away, not wanting him to see my scars. But then I realized that I wanted to be normal. I didn't want guys to think I was crazy just because of the faded scars on my belly and thighs. I was fine. I was okay. And I was not ready to let go of this rush just because of some stupid fucking scars.
After all, he didn't even ask; he was too drunk to notice. His bedroom skills were not as good as Jacob's, but satisfying enough. I hadn't realized I was such a fan of sex before. I mean, I liked when Jacob and I had sex, he was always able to make me come, but I could never feel comfortable with his hands on my belly or thighs. I felt too vulnerable.
But with this guy? I realized I couldn't care less. And it was because I didn't know him. I didn't even know his name. All I cared about was him putting a fucking condom on his dick. I would never see him again, so none of the scars mattered. I didn't have to explain anything to him, get into details of why I had them and become vulnerable. I could lie if I wanted to. There were no strings attached. We were just sharing this ride together, prolonging this magnificent sensation.
I got home at what must have been 4 am. I wondered where Seth had disappeared to.
"Where the fuck have you been?"
Oh, there he was. He turned the lights on and I couldn't see shit.
"Friend's place," I mumbled, squeezing my eyes. I wanted to go to bed. I was wasted.
"Oh, god, Bella, can you imagine how scared I was when I saw you getting in the taxi with some motherfucker, taking you to god knows where?" I knew he was furious, because he was swearing a lot. And he usually didn't.
"And who are you? My father?" I retorted, harshly.
"No, but you could've at least told me where were you going. I called you ten times."
"My phone's dead."
"Well, that much I could figure," he snorted. "Or you could be dead."
I laughed drunkenly. "Seth, come on, buddy. I am a big girl."
"Yeah… You look like shit," he said at last, more calmly.
"I feel good, though," I responded. I hadn't felt this good in months. Not even before the break-up.
He rolled his eyes. "Just go to bed, we'll talk in the morning."
I laughed. "Yes, Daddy."
"Ewww," he laughed.
"Goodnight, sucker."
"'Night, B."
The first thing I felt when I woke was a throbbing pain pulsating in the back of my head, thumping and making itself known every few minutes. Reflexively, I opened my eyes and a bright light instantly blinded me. A loud moan escaped my mouth when I shut them again and rolled over with the intention of burying my face in the pillow. But instead of landing on the pillow, I landed thunderously on the floor.
"Fuck!" I muttered, feeling pain in every cell of my body, especially my left wrist. I wondered if it was because I fell or because how much I had drunk last night.
"Bella, are you alright?" I heard Seth ask from behind the door of my room.
"Uhmmm," I mumbled loudly, and I hoped he heard how reluctant I was to continue the conversation. As he didn't answer, I sighed, and found my way back to bed, reminiscing about what had happened last night.
Had I really done what I thought I had? Strangely enough, I wasn't repulsed; not even ashamed of myself. There was no one in my life anymore, which made the situation much easier - I knew I could be spared the judgement or rejection. Dad, Jacob… All those people that were once my family, people I depended upon in every way imaginable were not here anymore. I had feared that feeling all my life justifiably, because it hurt like hell, knowing I was not important, knowing that I wasn't worthy of their attention, their love and a place in their heart. I gave up everything for them, I wanted to make them happy and make things right again. But now that I was without them, it was easier to do the things I would never do with them being in my life. It still hurt – being alone – but at least I didn't have to think about them when I got drunk or slept with a complete stranger.
At the same time, however, I didn't understand it. How many sleepless nights had I spent crying and trying to find a reason why everyone left me? How many endless days did I try to pull off my best happy face, dealing with school, bitchy professors and Seth? And all that because I had promised myself, after I had broken up with Jake, that I would never let anyone know how I really felt about my life and myself, how much I suffer. Because if they knew how weak I was when I couldn't deal with my depression, they would leave… just like Dad and Jacob. They knew, and they left. I couldn't even call it a depression. It wasn't a depression. I was fine, shit had just always happened in the life of Bella Swan, and I knew that there were people out there who had it much worse than I did. Why would anyone care about me?
I was determined to keep people away. From now on, no one would know. No one would know a single thing. And I wouldn't give a shit about people coming into or going out of my life. I didn't need anyone. I was done with this shit. Jacob had fooled and betrayed me more than my own father. He was my best friend. I needed him. I loved him. He was the one I always looked up to. But love, neediness, trust… all of those things would always eventually turn against you, stabbing you in the back.
Yesterday... I had forgotten. Alcohol induced braveness made me forget. I had forgotten about Mom, about how unhappy I was, how alone I suddenly felt, how I hated studying and how much I wanted to be in Chicago. I had forgotten about the dream I felt was never going to come true for me. And now… I was good. I was actually feeling more than just 'good', if I didn't consider my physical condition, of course. The feeling was different from anything I had ever felt, but I liked it.
After I had broken up with Jake, I spent the summer in Forks, moving to Seth's apartment shortly before the beginning of my final year. As crazy as the idea had seemed at first, I had no other choice. I spoke to Jacob one last time in Forks, when he came to 'take me home'. When I refused, he started swearing like no tomorrow, leaving me with Charlie who laughed in my face, when I told him about moving out and my plan to buy a car. He told me I was stupid.
I didn't argue. Maybe I was.
When all my dreams ended, and I had to forget about Chicago because of Charlie, I was trying ridiculously hard not to hate him. He had pushed me into corner. Either Chicago or lose everything. And I, stupid Bella, didn't want to lose the only family I had left; I wanted to make him happy. I wanted to make him love me again after I had cut myself so seriously that I almost died. I wanted to make things right again, so I let my dream of Chicago go, breaking my own heart, in order not to break the hearts of those I loved.
But time had passed, and I felt the chasm between Charlie and I widen more with each passing day. The moment he had crushed my dreams, something had died in me. And I had gotten worse as the last drop of hope of living my dream died causing me to hate the only person I had clung onto since Mom had died.
"Bella, you feel okay?" Seth's voice interrupted my train of thought and I groaned loudly making him laugh. "I made you breakfast."
Without a response I rolled out of bed, steadying myself once I stood up. I took a shower, my mind blank, though the perpetual feeling of distress and sadness caused by the memories lingering at the border of my awareness were still there, never leaving. No matter what I did, or where I was.
With automatic movements I dried my body, brushed my hair and teeth, and on my clothes. On my way to the kitchen, something outside on the street caught my attention. I moved to the window, suddenly forgetting where I was about to go, watching a young woman leaning into the embrace of a young man. She looked sad and must have been crying because she was about to wipe her cheek with the back of her hand. But the man stopped her hand. He was looking into her face with a concern I had never seen before and kissed her tears gently away, holding her head as if she were something precious and dear, and he was afraid to lose it.
The picture was breathtaking; the affection and thoughtfulness in his eyes and the trust and devotion in hers accentuated that dull and empty place in me, making every feeling more prominent.
The next realization came out of nowhere.
I had lost everything. I had lost myself. I was nothing, no one valuable, no one worthy of such affection and love. I had become empty, alone, and without a sense of purpose.
Maybe… maybe I should just kill myself.
Yeah, maybe I should.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
To spend Christmas at Charlie's hadn't been my idea.
"Bella, it'll only be one week in Forks, you'll be alright," Seth said, his onyx eyes pleading. He didn't want me to be alone in Seattle on Christmas.
"I don't want to see them. Any of them," I said again. He knew I wasn't only talking about Charlie and Sue, but also about Jake and Leah.
"I was talking to Sue, it'll be just us. And my dad."
"It still isn't the way I'd like to spend my Christmas," I objected.
"Bella, please…?" he dragged the sentence into a question.
I looked into his face which was always full of kindness and understanding and felt a sting of guilt. He had been so patient with me over the last few months. This was the least I could do for him. A week in Forks… Worse things had happened.
"Alright." I shrugged. "But if your aunt acts like a bitch, I'm leaving."
He scrunched his face at the word bitch, but didn't say anything. He knew she wasn't nice to me, but he loved her. He loved everyone.
So, here we were, in Forks. We had arrived on Saturday, and so far, our stay was quite uneventful. I was surprised to find presents under the tree for me. Two were from Seth, only one from Charlie. Sue didn't even bother, and it wasn't something I expected anyway. She had been ignoring my presence - no, existence - since I had moved to Seattle. Just like I ignored hers.
Now I was lying on the bed in my room, the room that had witnessed so much, inhaling dusty air, thinking of nothing. An everlasting cloud of unhappiness and desolation was once again over my head, making me want to cry. I couldn't wait to be in Seattle for New Year's Eve to properly unwind and relax. You know what I mean.
To distract myself from my continuous misery, I got out of bed and looked around the room. Even though the majority of my things were in Seattle, the room was still full of bullshit. I decided to check the drawers and the closet to see what I had left here; maybe I would find something what I would like to take to Seattle with me.
The closet was more or less empty. There were still some of the clothes I had worn when I had come to Forks, but nothing I couldn't live without in Seattle. The drawers were the same story, full of stationery, pens, old school books… and my black folder of paintings.
In a daze I grabbed it and sat on the bed, taking out all the paintings I'd kept, setting them in front of me on the bed. There weren't many. I was looking at them, and the memory of the time when I had painted them jumped into my head, making my eyes well with tears.
It'd been some time since I had painted or drew anything. It wasn't because I didn't want to, but because it was simply too painful – to engage in such an activity after I had to give up on my dream of Chicago. Sometimes, though, when I was alone, I sketched on a piece of paper, or thought about colors and how I would paint this or that, what paintbrushes I would use, how long it would take… Once again, it took me away from the sadness and misery, but also caused pain and regret… I wasn't going to become a painter. And that pain – the pain of a dream that got away was the last thing I wanted to feel.
So, gradually, I stopped and didn't paint or draw anymore.
I had suppressed all the memories of happiness and fulfilment when I drew or painted. I pushed them all back. I denied the whole existence of this type of art, avoiding all galleries, books and TV programs featuring art in one way or the other. It all just reminded me how much I had failed myself.
"What are those?"
The voice startled me, and panic overtook me.
No, no, no, no, no…
I turned my head to the door, seeing Seth looking at the paintings in my hands. "Are they yours?"
I felt the blood leave my face, making me feel dizzy. I hadn't even heard him; I must have been totally zoomed out.
"Bella, are you alright?" he asked.
"I-I don't… I mean…"
"Did you paint those?" The genuine interest in his voice surprised me. And for a change, made me blush.
"Yeah," I mumbled.
"Woah, they look amazing! Definitely different, but amazing!" he exclaimed and picked up one. Still a little stunned, I didn't even protest. "How…? You never told us you could paint!"
"I don't," I said, and he looked puzzled. "I mean, not anymore."
"But why? I am not much of an expert, but this looks like some serious thing, B. Why don't you paint anymore?" he asked, curious.
I looked away. "Why are you asking? It's nothing." No one was ever interested in my before. When I was a kid, my schoolmates laughed at me because I painted. Charlie and Sue hated it.
"Don't be stupid, Bella! I want to know. Why didn't you tell me? Did Jacob know?"
"Of course not," I replied right back.
He didn't say anything. I looked at him again and he was studying my face with concern. "What is it?" he asked.
I am not going to cry. I am not going to cry.
"It's nothing," I replied untruthfully. This was everything to me. Everything I'd lost.
He sat beside me on the bed, caressing my back gently. "I know you, Bella. What happened? Do you want to talk about it?"
I shook my head, a single tear dropped from my eye.
"Hey," Seth said, and his hand slid to my shoulder pulling me into his chest. I curled up to him, resting my head on his shoulder, and started to cry. I must have looked like a complete lunatic. Seth, however, didn't say a word, though I knew he couldn't understand a single thing. "We don't have to talk about it."
But after I calmed down, I told him. I told him about how I had started to experiment with drawing when I was four years old. How Mom loved my pieces and how she insisted on those ridiculous art lessons with Mrs. Cope. How Charlie and Sue hated the sketches of my dreams and how I had to stop. How I started to cut myself because of that. How I was accepted to the Art Institute and how I had to give it up.
"Why don't you try again?" he asked after a few minutes of silence.
"What?"
"Why don't you go to Chicago and try to get into the Art Institute again? I mean, you are obviously talented. And young. And you live by yourself now. Maybe there are options, scholarships for graduates. And if not… You don't have to attend a school to be a painter, Bella. Just paint. And see where you go from there."
"Don't be ridiculous, Seth."
"I am not. You should go for it, Bella. You are so talented. And if it makes you happy… Come on, B. These last few months… You have barely been living."
"I am just fine, Seth. This is who I am. That ship sailed a long time ago."
He sighed. "Just think about it."
I huffed. "And even if I tried," I said, accepting the fact that I liked the idea, "I am sure they wouldn't offer me a place. I was lucky the last time."
"And why wouldn't they? If they offered you a place before, they would do it again. It would be like a deferred entry."
I laughed bitterly. "Yeah, a four-year deferral."
He smiled. "Let's go downstairs. I'm hungry," he said eventually, and I was grateful that he let it go.
I looked around myself and noticed it was already dark outside. We must have been up here for hours. "Why am I not surprised?" I asked.
He laughed, and then we went downstairs, right to the kitchen. The picture I saw before me made me freeze in place.
"Where the hell have you been, you two?" asked Charlie, seemingly oblivious to the fact that I must have been as white as the wall behind me.
"Hi, Bella," Leah said, sitting behind the table, and the feeling of hope Seth had given me earlier immediately disappeared. I was back in reality. Come on… There was no happy ending for Bella Swan. There was just suffering and pain.
I couldn't stop what came next.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" I hissed, surprised at the fierceness of my voice. I was becoming angry again, familiar panic setting in, the feelings of betrayal and loss rushing through me.
She looked wary and stressed. Oh, she must have known what was waiting for her here. Along with Jacob, she never told the truth to Charlie and Sue. They probably wouldn't have even believed them if they did.
"Did you invite her here?" I asked Charlie.
"Sue did. We all missed Leah," replied Charlie, and then he must have noticed my furious expression when he said: "Come on, Bella, stop that tantrum, and sit down. Act like an adult, for once. I am sick of your false accusations."
"Tantrum? You can't be serious!" I shouted.
"Bella," Seth warned.
I ignored him. I had a lot to say. "I am sick of your ignorance! I have had just about enough of everything. Of you, of your girlfriend, of Leah, of Jake, of everyone! All of them seem to be more important to you than me! Why can't you believe me?"
Charlie's face got red. "Stop this, young lady, right now! They are my family!"
"And what about me?" I screamed and fought back the tears.
"You are your mother's daughter! Had she listened to me for once and gotten rid of you when the time was right, I could've spared myself the torture of having to bring you up! Little whining child that you were! And how much trouble you caused me? I tried my best, but you never listened. And then I found you in your bed, almost dead. You never thought of how it would affect your family. Always selfish and conceited. You have never thought of anyone else, but yourself!" he screamed. "So, stop this shit and sit down, because the last thing I need is another crazy outburst of yours! God knows we have had enough of them over the last five years."
By the time he finished, I was crying. Seth's hand grabbed my right wrist. "I think that is enough. Come, I'll take you home," Seth said, and I knew he was angry as well, trying to keep his voice calm.
I ignored him again. "Well, you can relax now, Dad," I snapped. "Because I will never return to this house ever again!"
And with that, I left the room, bumping into Sue in the doorway. "What-"
"Are you happy now? You've finally gotten rid of me! Witch," I sneered, running upstairs to grab my bag. I was packed in five minutes, ready to leave immediately. I didn't have to say anything to Seth; he was already waiting for me in the car.
"You alright, B.?"
"Let's just go, Seth, before I hurt someone."
And with that, he started the car, and after stopping at La Push to get Seth's clothes and say goodbye to his dad, we finally left Forks.
I had never gone back again.
Monday, October 15, 2007
After we graduated in June, things changed.
Seth and I had said goodbye in a rather heartfelt manner. I was crying, but not because he was going to spend some time traveling before settling down, but because I knew that it was the goodbye I had been preparing for, for quite some time – I needed to let Seth go. For good. He was a tremendous friend and a beautiful human being who had helped me a lot for the last year and a half. I wondered what kind of miracle happened that I had been blessed with such a wonderful person in my life. But he was too much of a reminder of my past. After I had left Forks behind, I concentrated on trying hard to build up my self-esteem and to let go of that pathetic little depressed Bella. And Seth was holding me back, reminding me of who I had been.
So, I knew when I drove him to the airport that I would not contact him again, and if he tried to contact me, I would ignore him. I needed to do this right. I needed to forget about who I had been, and stop being depressed all the time.
I could do it. I know I could.
But it would have to be without Seth.
Seth still believed I was going to try to go to Chicago next year as I had passed the application deadline for the 2007 academic year. I didn't say anything because a small part of me believed that I was really going to go for it. But the other part of me knew very well that I was a coward, and afraid. There had already been too many failures in my life to have my heart broken again.
No, I was trying to get better and that would only sabotage my efforts to leave old Bella behind.
The summer had followed, and I promised Seth that I would take care of the apartment until I found something for myself. Since the first day of summer I had been looking for a teaching job, and was lucky to be offered one in a private school in downtown Seattle, where I had interned during college. To find an affordable apartment in the area was a real challenge, but eventually I found a nice cosy apartment with reasonable rent for downtown Seattle.
I had enjoyed the summer fully. I had never felt as alone as had those two months. Charlie, nor Jacob or Leah had contacted me again after last Christmas and I was grateful, albeit a little heartbroken. It just confirmed that they never really cared about me. That they never really wanted me. That summer I drank a lot and slept with a few guys whose names I couldn't properly remember. One of them was quite rough with me – oddly enough - what took me by surprise – was that I liked it. No, I loved it. The pain was pleasurable. Desired even. I was starting to like this new Bella more and more, leaving the pathetic one behind. The new one didn't even care about her scars anymore. If any of those men asked about them, I simply lied. I said that I had been experimenting with blood play in the past or something like that. If they believed me, it seemed to arouse some of them even more.
And I never felt as good as I had felt then. This unrestrained way of leading my life was therapeutic. Though, I hadn't been sure what my colleagues would say about it. I was uncomfortable around them and I doubted any of them would understand. Not that I tried to make any friends. That is, until I met Alice.
Alice – tiny pixie-like woman with spiky dark hair - had introduced herself to me on my second day at school, a few weeks ago in September. She was two years older than me and like an annoying ray of sunshine, not leaving your eyes alone. I was quite intimidated by her at first, not knowing what her deal was, but when I found out she hated teaching and the school where we worked at as much as I did, and didn't press me for any details of my personal history, I allowed her to be… my friend as she said. Finally, someone normal in this hole of shit, were her words. Well, using the word 'normal' relating to my person was a compliment enough to soften my cautious stance. Actually, she was fun to be around. I never asked about her past and what her reasons were for hating teaching so much, and she never asked about my issues with teaching – that it was the last thing I ever wanted to do.
And that was it. We were comfortable around each other and I started to be attracted to her authenticity and blank, almost rude honesty. After a long time of having only the pack as my friends, fresh air in the form of Alice was a welcome change.
Yes. New life – new friends.
"That fucking bitch Stanley is staring at you again," she said today, as said woman sat behind the table opposite us.
"I wonder what her problem is." I shrugged. It seemed like I could never get rid of bitches in my life.
"Don't worry about her. She feels threatened."
I lifted my brow. "Threatened? By me?"
"I said – don't worry. She is like that about everyone who is new. Probably is afraid that you will steal her crown and start fucking that douchebag Newton. She's been trying to get into his pants for months. I swear, sometimes it feels like a freakin' high school."
"The headmaster?" I asked, my eyes wide.
Alice giggled, pleased by my reaction. I wasn't much into gossip, but I couldn't understand how anyone would want to sleep with Newton. He might have been quite good-looking, in his mid-thirties, but he was a total prick. Even I could see that, and given my past, I wasn't known for being a good judge of character.
"Yep," she replied. "But we shouldn't really use this type of language here. They might use it against us," she winked at me and I smiled, though I knew she was right. We gradually developed our own way of communicating certain… things. Primarily those that were sex-related.
When I got home that day, I felt somewhat empty. I was still thinking about the guy I had sex with last weekend. I think his name was Gary. He was the one who had whipped my ass like there was no tomorrow, and then cuffed me. My left wrist – that seemed to be okay now - was protesting a little at that time, but I ignored it. It was just too good to stop him. And I couldn't forget that. I didn't want to. I didn't have his phone number or a way to contact him and do that shit again. But talking to Alice about it wasn't enough.
I turned on my computer still located on a big cardboard box because I was still waiting for furniture to be delivered for my new apartment. I wasn't sure if what I was going to do was a good idea, but it excited me, and because this feeling was so foreign, I wasn't going to stop. In a half an hour I had a blog up and running.
I could share what I wanted anonymously with the world. I mean… I had so much sex, and I loved it. And by the looks of it, it was going to get kinkier and kinkier. I might as well write about it. I had a new life, the new Bella in front of me. I had better do this shit the right way. I could mark my new beginning by writing a blog.
Yes. I liked the idea very much.
When I stumbled upon the idea of coming up with my new anonymous name, I knew exactly what it would be. Romy – as in the Austrian actress my Mom had loved so much and West – the surname of that new singer I found out about just recently. It was perfect.
So, I clicked on the tab new entry and with a rush of excitement, I typed:
Blog n.1
15th of October, 2007
I couldn't be myself anymore. I had lost everything, and it was simply too painful for me to get it back. I was going to be someone else now. I was going to make the pain go away and not let people know about who I truly was. Because they would not understand me, they would go away. They wouldn't love me.
I was going to be a different Bella now.
I had to be.
I had to be a different Bella to survive.
Even if it meant that I had to start living a lie.
A/N So, that was it. Confusing much? I had to squeeze as much of Bella's past as possible into this chapter. I promise it'll slow down from the next chapter and we will be only in the present, welcoming Edward either in next chapter, or the one after next.
Can't wait.
Hugs and kisses
R.