DISCLAIMER: Stephenie Meyer owns the characters, the storyline's mine.
WARNING: I'd like to warn everyone who might be potentially disturbed or triggered by Bella's actions in this chapter, involving not only self-harm, but also an upsetting, unhealthy internal dialogue she engages in (well, I should've put this warning at the beginning of all previous chapters then because she is not nice to herself at all). I tried to keep it quite light, without being overly graphic or too depressive - what this fanfic definitely is - but Bella is depressed, so she sees everything in dark colors, losing hope, losing the purpose of her own life. So, those who might be affected, you might want to skip this chapter.
I'd like to thank EdwardsFirstKiss for her super-uber fast edit of this chapter :) I was impressed ;)
BTW, I love the song that accompanies this chapter and you might want to listen to it if you want to get in the mood.
Enjoy. R.
13. Billie Marten - Cursive
CHAPTER 12
This Was My Sharpest Knife
"I'd walk the corners
Of my empty mind
But I'm full of darkness
With the loneliest of light."
"And I will never be
I will never be myself
I will never be
I will never be too well."
"And we'll be fine, there is an end
It hurts to fall back again
And we'll be fine, I promise, oh
It hurts to fall back so low."
Saturday, February 16, 2013 (16 days later)
Boiling drops of water were falling on my back like a waterfall of knives, leaving my skin red and burned; the pain allowed my mind to take a break from the growing frustration, hopelessness and anger that had taken over my life lately in a measure I hadn't been ready for. I let the fire kiss my skin and behind my closed eyelids I focused on the sound of water hitting the shower floor, the sound of my uneven breaths, on the feeling of abstract, intangible nothingness that replaced an ongoing train of thoughts and emotions I had been subjected to for the last couple of weeks. Life was getting the best of me, and even the things that made at least a little bit of sense in this chaos were losing their importance. I didn't even try anymore, to fight my way out of it. All my effort was in vain, because with each day it took more and more energy to stand up to the storm that was way too violent for me. I was losing the battle, and as wretched as it sounds, only death seemed to be the answer.
Now, don't think I didn't think it through. A decision to take your life is not one a person makes on a whim, even though it might seem like it. Quite the contrary, the first time the thought occurs you might seem surprised and feel ridiculous for thinking of committing suicide. But then, when the burden is unbearable again and you suffer and cry and scream, or simply silently swallow the intolerable pain, the thought suddenly doesn't seem so crazy. You start to feel like you have finally found a solution to your suffering, and ironically, the thought of dying and terminating the stream of consciousness is the only thing that makes you hopeful.
The fact that I knew nothing about Marcus didn't help the situation either. Rosalie managed to get some information from Newton, so all I knew was that Marcus had left the hospital this week, after he had woken up from his coma. Thankfully.
"I don't know anymore, Bella," she had said a few days ago, and a crease between her eyes formed. "It looks like he's the son of a political figure, not just Aro Volturi, that's how well they protect every piece of information."
"He might as well be," I sighed. I looked at her, sitting on my kitchen stool. "Rose… I'm afraid," I admitted, my voice breaking. "I feel like… like I could've done something."
"Oh, sweetheart," she cooed as the tears started to fall down my cheeks. She stood up and came to me, taking me into her embrace. "Don't think it's your fault, Bella. You couldn't have done anything in that situation. Besides, what if the accident had happened without your being there, would you still feel guilty?"
I pulled away to look into her face. "Rosalie, I'm not talking about the accident. I'm talking about Aro. Damn it. I knew what an asshole he is, and that his wife has no real interest in Marcus, but I could've prevented-"
"What?" Rosalie cut me off. "The accident? No one could have prevented it, Bella."
"I can't help but feel guilty about it. But I don't know how I would've tackled him beforehand. How can you as a teacher raise a suspicion about child neglect when obviously, from a materialistic point of view, Marcus has everything he needs? But I know that babysitters look after him almost twenty-four seven and he barely sees his mother or father. They don't care about him. I see it every day in class."
"Bella, I'm sure they do, they are his parents."
"That doesn't necessarily mean they love him," I spat back, wiping away the tears from my face.
"Sure they do. I agree with you on the way they are handling his upbringing, but Bella, Aro and Sulpicia are that kind of people – rich, busy, standoffish; they can't spend every minute with their kid. That's how it is and you, Bella, won't change that."
"It can't be like this, Rose. He suffers, I know he does; we talk a lot at school."
Rosalie sighed, the crease on her face disappearing. "We all know just how much you love your students. But that's all they are - your students. The extent of your involvement is sometimes not professional-" I opened my mouth to protest, but she continued ignoring me, "-and as wonderful as it is, you cannot change everything you don't like."
I turned away from her. "The kids shouldn't be hurt. They don't deserve that."
Rose was silent.
"If I can help them, if I can be there for them when they need someone, why shouldn't I do that?"
"Nobody says you shouldn't, but you get yourself involved a bit too much in your students' lives. Parents don't like to be told what they should or shouldn't do regarding their children and their parenting. With Aro and Sulpicia you have done just that time and time again. And, in the end, it is you who ends up hurt." I snorted. "Bella, he might be a prick, but he's still his father. They both feel threatened and you weren't exactly subtle in voicing your opinion about both of them. Of course, he doesn't want you near his son. And with him being a patron of the school, he easily might have had you fired, honey. Mike would rather lose a teacher than money."
I turned to her, angry. "So, what should I do now? Just back off and watch the boy struggle? And don't tell me they feel threatened because the only thing Aro is worried about is his pride."
"Bella, but you can't change them, you can't change the way things are. You can't worry about every student as if they were your own kid."
"But they are! Rosalie, they are! I see them every day for eight hours, I know what bothers them, what makes them laugh, what makes them motivated and engaged, I know who they are. And when I see parents sabotaging their kid, neglecting them, and hurting them, I can't possibly just stand there and do nothing!"
"But they are the parents, and sorry, Bella, but you are not one. Have you ever stopped to think about what that entails?" Rosalie asked with a strange intensive undertone in her voice as if she herself knew better than me. "Being a parent is a full-time job and you can't expect them to be perfect. Yes, you are with the children most of the day, but it is not your job to judge their parents for whatever you think they might have done right or not. Don't expect them to be perfect. It is Not. Your. Job."
I exhaled, my voice weak. "But Rose… How can I not be there for them?"
I heard her sigh again behind me as if she were running out of arguments. "Bella, honey..." and then her hand landed on my back. "If you keep going on like this, you will end up hurt even more than you already have been. I know how hard everything has been on you lately, but I would hate to see you drift away from us even more than you already have."
Guilt found its way to my chest, tightening it intensely. "I'm fine, Rose."
She was silent for a couple of seconds and I heard her shallow breathing. "We really want to believe that, hon, but… are you?"
I shook off her hand from my back and turned to her. "Yes, I am. Now, please, could you go? I'd like to go to bed."
I could see a flinch of pain in her eyes, but she smiled through it and silently nodded, starting towards the door. "You can talk to us, you know that, right?" she asked me before she opened the door.
I followed her and rolled my eyes, hating the fact that she and Alice knew about my depression. "Rosalie, we talked about this. I don't need to talk to anyone."
"Well, I understand if you might not want to talk to us, but my offer still stands, though. I'm sure Emmett knows a good professional who you can talk to-"
I snorted. "Do you mean his shrink friend Edward?"
Her expression hardened. "Don't start again, Bella. The way you acted the other night-"
"I don't care one bit," I said, a strange mix of emotions swirling inside me at the thought of Edward. "They are all the same."
She watched me quizzically for a couple of seconds. "So, you were a bitch to him just because he's a shrink?" she stated, not actually asked.
I shrugged. "I don't give a shit about him," I said in the same loathsome tone as before.
I think I spotted despise in her eyes before it morphed into anger. "Now that is really low of you, Bella. To judge a person because of their profession? You know nothing about him."
I begged to differ… I knew he scared and confused the shit out of me. I knew how much his presence irritated me, how naked and vulnerable I felt around him. I knew how it felt to be myself around him - to be broken and lost and how uncomfortable it felt knowing he had seen me this way. I knew how confusing it felt when he was around because it wasn't only calm and safety his presence provided but also the need to push him away and to hide my brokenness from him. But I also knew he couldn't possibly be real. I knew he wasn't anything I had ever seen before. I knew he was the man who had probably risked his job, so I could see Marcus. I knew how it felt when he touched me, letting the warmth of his skin penetrate my own even through my clothes. I knew how he smelled, how every emotion he felt manifested on his face. I knew his laugh sounded like the most soothing sound I had had the pleasure to hear. I knew how it felt when his deep eyes of the strangest green shade found their way to mine, how spellbinding they were once they landed on me. I knew those eyes were reading me, and I didn't want to know what they had already found. I knew how it felt seeing him every night in my vivid dreams, reaching out and holding me just above the lurking dark water I was in great danger of falling into. I knew my hand itched in desire to grab a pencil and sketch that perfectly symmetrical face and those eyes to make them permanent because I was afraid I would lose it all. I knew I would paint him, I would paint that green and that strange red-brown hair he had again and again until I would get those shades right. I knew that my reactions to him were irrational, unreasonable, stupid and utterly illogical given the fact we had seen each other only two times. But most of all, I knew that even though I would probably never see Edward Cullen again, I wished I could catch a glimpse of him at least one more time.
I focused on Rosalie's face again, after what was only a second full of deep reflection, ignoring her comment. "You know what, Rose? Thanks for your oh so generous offer. Your husband already thinks I'm an incurable whore. I wouldn't want him to think I'm crazy on top of it."
Rose rolled her eyes. "How many times do I have to tell you Emmett doesn't hate you?"
"Leave it, Rose."
She sighed. "Take care, Bella, okay? And don't forget that you are invited to dinner on Saturday. It's my birthday, and it would be nice to have you there with us."
"Will alcohol be served?" I asked sardonically, though I knew I wouldn't touch it. Something had broken in me the other night when I almost attacked the man I had brought home with me. It was something that had brought out a sense of shame and made me feel grossed out by myself.
She scowled at me but ignored my question. "We'll be waiting. Emmett will be thrilled," she winked at me and I shook my head, though unable not to smile at her myself.
"We'll see about that," I responded. "Now, go, I'm really tired." I shoved her out of my apartment and closed the door, exhaling deeply.
Originally, I wanted to come up with some sort of excuse as to why I couldn't come to her birthday dinner, but after a few lonely nights I had spent planning my leaving this meaningful life, I had realized it would be the last night I'd see Alice and Rosalie; my last chance to say goodbye. So, I gathered my last drops of strength and decided to go, pushing through the dull ache and emptiness I felt in my chest, reminding myself I was close to salvation, close to relief.
I turned off the water and stepped outside into the cold bathroom. I reached for the towel and leaned down to dry my legs from my feet, ankles and shins up to my thighs and hips. Usually I ignored the vertical, horizontal, and diagonal pink marks on my skin of different sizes and shapes. They were there, some of them invisible, almost white, others always rich in their pink color never fading entirely, protruding and bothersome to someone who wasn't used to seeing them. The ones on my belly were not any different, but the ones on my wrists were the worst. Therefore, I always wore long sleeves - if I wasn't having sex, of course - and if the girls had ever picked up on that, they never commented on it. Maybe it was my upcoming re-visit of my old ways that forced me to pay attention to them, why after such a long time, I felt tingling in my left wrist, palm, and fingers.
Yeah, I did not only have an ugly soul, but also an ugly body. It was just about time to get rid of both.
In silence, both around me and in my mind, I put on the clothes I had laid out, and grabbed a bottle of wine that I knew Emmett would enjoy as well as a little box wrapped in shiny paper that was hiding Rosalie's gift. I made my way out, taking my dear red '97 Chevy truck for a ride. It'd been a while since I had last driven it but knowing I wouldn't drink tonight I decided to have one last ride. It had served me well; my first car, my sign of revolt after I had left Charlie's house and broken up with Jacob. I remembered Seth helping me pick it out.
"Holy mother of god, I can't believe Bella Swan is actually on time!" Alice exclaimed after she had opened the door to Rosalie and Emmett's loft, taking me into her arms immediately. Her sweet scent surrounded me, making me feel at ease straightaway. "Oh, I missed you so much!"
"Alice, you saw me yesterday in school," I managed to choke out while her tiny arms were squeezing me with the force of at least two men.
"So? Does it mean I can't miss you?"
She finally released me. "Of course not," I smiled at her tensely. "I missed you, too," I admitted silently.
"Well, well, look at that! Have you been drinking?" she asked.
"What? No, I'm driving."
Her brows jumped up. "Are you now? You've been here for two minutes and you are already full of novelties. Here, let me take this." She said, taking the bottle of wine out of my hands.
"Have you been drinking?" I asked her, while we walked down the hallway to the open space I knew was the living room.
"Not yet," she answered with an impish grin. "But I feel like I should be on my toes tonight and take it easy; I've been feeling a strange vibe ever since I woke up this morning," she added more seriously, frowning.
I snorted. "Let me guess, are you having a hunch about something again?"
She nodded and suddenly looked very frustrated. "Yes, exactly. Though I have no fucking idea what I should be watching out for. It drives me crazy."
I rolled my eyes. "I hope you figure it out."
"Bella, you made it!" Rosalie's face lit up when she saw us enter the living room. Rosalie and Emmett's loft was a large, luxurious place showing how well off they both were. The big open space consisted of the living room, dining area and a little reading corner with a nicely stocked library on the left side. Behind the library, just around the corner was a kitchen, hidden from the sight of visitors. On the opposite side of the loft, there was a huge spiraling staircase leading up to the bathroom and their bedroom. The loft was decorated in a clean and geometric style; silver, white and black colors dominated, fitting nicely with granite bricks that made up a part of the left wall.
"I wouldn't miss your birthday for anything," I lied, while she was hugging me lightly.
She pulled away and raised her brow at my words, knowing just as well as me what bullshit that was. Lately, I had been avoiding everything and everyone, including my girls. I went straight home from school and had even abandoned our usual Wednesday dinners. "Yeah… well, I'm glad you're here."
"This is for you," I said, handing her a little box. "Do me a favor and open it tomorrow, will you?"
She cocked her head slightly to the side, furrowing her brows. "O-okay. But I'll die of curiosity before then," she snickered.
"It's nothing fancy," I said. And I didn't think it was. Just a set of earrings she had been eyeing at Tiffany's a few weeks ago, when she and Alice had persuaded me to join them on their shopping spree. With Rose's wedding coming up, Alice had gone crazy with all the preparations and shopping opportunities. I was fairly certain Rosalie could have afforded the earrings herself, but I wanted her to have them from me since I wouldn't be around for her wedding. They weren't that expensive, but I didn't need the money anymore either way.
"Bella," Emmett rose a glass of wine timidly to greet me in that modest way he always did, giving me an evil eye. Oh, Rosalie was so blind; this man hated my guts. I nodded in his direction in a greeting myself wondering who else was going to join us.
But before I managed to ask, Rose answered my silent query. "I invited some of Emmett's colleagues but since they are all working tonight, it will be only us and the Cullens."
My eyes widened in shock. "Come again?"
"Oh, I'm sorry Edward's wife couldn't make it tonight. I really wanted to meet her," Alice whined when she returned from the kitchen where she had disappeared to earlier. No one seemed to pay attention to my question.
"Yeah, me too," Rosalie agreed, sitting down on the sofa. "Edward speaks with such respect about her. Emmett, love, how long have they been together?"
Emmett joined his fiancée on the sofa. "I'm not sure… I know they got together in Chicago, where he was completing his internship, but I think he knew her from before."
"Have you met her?" Alice asked him.
"Yeah, a couple of times."
"What is she like?" Rose enquired.
Emmett frowned uncomfortably. They both bombarded him with questions a man was not usually bothered thinking about. "Well, it's been some time since I saw her last. She is very… confident, I guess. Well-spoken. Intelligent."
"She's a doctor as well, isn't she?" Alice asked.
Emmett nodded. "A pediatrician. But Tanya's a researcher; she doesn't treat children in a true sense of word."
Rosalie's face lit up with realization. "Oh yes. You told me they were moving here from Chicago because she was recruited here, right?"
"Yeah, they are building a new pediatric research center and she was offered a spot. She's apparently good at what she does."
"Oh my, she sounds so exciting!" Alice concluded with a wide grin, already seeing herself as her new BFF.
"Sounds intimidating to me," I murmured to myself.
"Oh, let me check the roast, it should be done any minute," Rosalie said, standing up and disappearing around the corner.
"So," I cleared my throat. "Where are they? The Cullens?"
"They're on the way," Alice replied with a smirk. "Jasper texted me a few minutes ago that-"
A doorbell interrupted her and in that moment she jumped up, grinning widely. "They're here! I'll open the door," she said, leaving me with Emmett in the living room alone.
Awkward, what can I say?
I was avoiding Emmett's eyes, bracing myself for another encounter with the Cullen brothers. I might have wished to see Edward one more time, but now that my wish was becoming fulfilled, I regretted it. I wanted to spend this night with Rosalie and Alice, to enjoy it as much as I could. I didn't want to be scrutinized by him.
"…we were waiting for you. Dinner should be ready any minute," we heard Alice say as she was coming back. I reluctantly turned their way and saw Alice first, holding a bottle of wine and two boxes of different sizes which I supposed were gifts for Rosalie. Then, two men of the similar height appeared behind her, the blonde one looking longingly after her, the other one carrying a relaxed, crooked smiled on his lips. Damn. I felt his presence in the very deep places inside my bones, making them turn to jelly. They didn't see me standing in the corner as I was out of their view. Emmett stood up and Jasper shook his hand, but Edward gave him a nice hug and they patted each other on the shoulder the way men do. Edward looked much more relaxed than he did two weeks ago at the club.
"Hey, Ed. You alright, man?" Emmett asked him.
"Not bad," Edward replied, standing with his back to me now. "All this running back and forth between Chicago and Seattle is tiring the shit out of me, but everything's running nicely so far, so I can't really complain."
"So, what's wrong with Tanya? Rosie was quite eager to meet her," Emmett said, sipping from his glass of wine.
I thought his shoulders tensed a bit, but his voice was as relaxed as ever. "Well, you know… she's giving up her responsibilities at the Institute, but they still keep her quite occupied, so she couldn't make it this weekend. She apologizes and hopes she sees you as soon as possible."
"Tell her we understand and that it's okay. Katie's alright, I hope."
Who the hell was Katie?
"Yes, she's great," Edward said, and his voice was suddenly so cheerful it made my heart skip a beat. "She's so bright, Emmett, you wouldn't believe it. I just wish I could see her more often, but with the amount of work I have here in Seattle, it's going to be hard."
"Bella, why don't you go and help Rosalie with dinner?" Alice asked me and the whole room turned to me. Jasper must have noticed me before, because his face didn't show any sign of surprise. He and Alice were standing by the windows far away from us, holding hands and whispering in each other's ears. But it was Edward who turned into a statue in front of me the moment his eyes landed on me.
"Bella," he said simply, his face full of surprise. "I didn't expect you to come."
Emmett huffed. "Nobody did." He wouldn't have said that if Rosalie had been in the room, and because she wasn't, I gave him a nasty look.
"You see, I did come, and believe it or not I wanted to come," I lied. The weight of Edward's stare was uncomfortable, but I didn't dare look at him. Instead, I kept my eyes on Emmett whose face was a clear indication that he did not like me. "I'll go and help Rose," I said quickly then, using the task Alice had given me as an excuse to shield myself from the intensity of Edward's presence for as long as I could.
"Hey, Rose, is everything alright?" I asked her when I entered the kitchen, exhaling deeply in relief. "The Cullens have just arrived."
"I heard them. I just needed to prepare the appetizers. Will you take them out, please?"
Reluctantly, I nodded. "Anything else you need help with?"
"Tell Emmett to open the wine, I'll be there in a minute."
I took a large tray with six small appetizer plates to the dining area just beside the living room. Rosalie had prepared the table immaculately, and I felt almost guilty we would spoil it with serving food. After I had placed the little plates on it, I took a deep breath and approached Emmett who seemed to be in a deep conversation with Edward. As I was approaching them, with each step forward, I was becoming more and more aware of Edward's proximity and his green eyes I now felt were watching me.
"…and I swear, never in my life have I met such a whiny patient."
"Emmett?"
He stopped his speech and turned to me, his eyes blazing. "Yes?"
"Rosalie wants you to open the wine. Dinner is being served."
Without a word, he nodded. In that exact moment, Rosalie entered the room and smiled widely. "Hello, Edward, Jasper. It's so good to see you again!" It seemed like both Rosalie and Alice had taken a great liking to the Cullen brothers, though one seemed to take it to a completely different level. Edward kissed her on both cheeks, and with Alice behind his tail, Jasper did the same thing.
"They brought you gifts!" Alice chimed happily, pointing at the boxes she had left on the coffee table.
"Oh, boys, you shouldn't have," Rose said. "But thank you. I'll open them after dinner."
Dinner was delicious, but nobody expected less from Rosalie; she was an amazing cook. I didn't talk much, instead I found myself being an observer tonight, taking it all in. I fake smiled and replied to questions here and there. Alice, sitting beside me, even asked me at some point if I was okay, as it was usually me who was always loud and used the most inappropriate language. Otherwise, the conversation around the table flowed freely and everyone had fun. The constant current of tense energy that had been present between Edward and me the last time was here again. The serenity he always brought with him was there, too. But the tension was much more prominent, winning over the calmness of his personality. During the whole night we basically ignored each other; I didn't dare to address him because I might have ended up insulting him in the process and while it was a tempting opportunity, this was Rose's birthday, my last night with them. Why he didn't talk to me, that I didn't know, but he seemed more relaxed tonight than the last time I'd seen him, not even looking in my direction.
After dessert, I offered to clear the table. Rose protested at first, but I told her it was her birthday and she was supposed to enjoy it without worrying about the dishes. That was partly true, but my intentions weren't entirely selfless. I desperately wanted to catch a break and sort my own thoughts somewhere private.
The others moved to the living room space; I collected all the dishes and brought them into the kitchen, breathing deeply as I felt the heaviness of the evening somewhat lift from my shoulders now that I wasn't in his presence. I swallowed a glass full of ice cold water to quench the heat I felt pulsating in my body and then, very slowly I started to load the dishwasher, not really keen to return back to the others.
Suddenly, the tension overlapped me again, so I stopped in my tracks in the middle of loading the dishwasher and slowly turned around with a plate in my hand, anger rising in me. Anger because he wouldn't leave me alone; because he was dangerous, a shrink, and I was supposed to stay away from him.
"Edward," I greeted him in the same way he had acknowledged my presence earlier this evening. "Are you enjoying yourself tonight?" I asked, my tone sharp.
He was standing by the entrance to the kitchen, leisurely holding a glass of white wine. There he was now, in his black slacks again, looking into my eyes while reading me unapologetically.
"Yes, thank you," he replied politely, and I knew he hadn't overheard the tone of my voice. "Are you?"
I shrugged, rudely turning my back to him, commencing the loading of dishwasher again. "It's just another Rosalie dinner. Nice enough."
I heard steps. "I heard you managed to see Marcus the other day," he said conversationally.
"Yes, I did."
"Nurse Finlay wasn't very pleased with your… persistence," he said, and I thought I heard him smiling.
I knew what he was referring to. After I had been successful at seeing Marcus the one time, I had come to the hospital several times after that, begging nurse Finley to allow me to see Marcus one more time. Unsuccessfully.
Tempted to turn around and roll my eyes at him, I continued placing the forks into their respective place in the dishwasher. "Nurse Finley should mind her own business."
He stopped walking and believe it or not, I could feel him a mere two feet away from my back.
He chuckled. "You understand why it wasn't possible for you to see him again, right?" he asked.
I snorted. "I think this whole charade in keeping me from him is ridiculous," I said, remembering my conversation with Rosalie a few days ago.
"Mr. Volturi doesn't think so."
"Mr. Volturi is one self-centered conceited prick, if you haven't noticed, Dr. Cullen," I retorted, closing the dishwasher and turning to face him again, finding him irritatingly close.
"It wouldn't be very professional of me to think like that," he said quite seriously, but he was grinning impishly as if he enjoyed mocking me.
"Are you saying that my being unprofessional is why I can't see him?"
"That's what you're saying, Miss Swan," he said, leaning against the counter with his hip.
Stupid shrinks and their games. I found myself turning away from him again, cleaning the countertop now. "I know quite well why he doesn't want me to see his son."
"Is that so?" he asked.
I continued to clean, now with much more fervor than before. "Yes. He is not able to admit to himself that he is a rubbish of a father and that his son needs more than just hundreds of toys and video games," I seethed, abusing the already meticulously looking granite countertop. "He fails to understand that a child needs love and understanding; especially Marcus," I breathed, thinking of the poor boy. "He is a difficult child, but that doesn't mean he is bad. He just needs a little more guidance and attention from his parents. Some parents would be surprised what a difference a half-hour conversation can make with their kid in understanding each other. It is a habit that should be developed from early childhood between parents and children," I continued angrily, now unsure what I was angry about, Edward or all parents of the world. "But there are some kids that… that are so lost from such an early age and when I think of all the possible damage that can be done when a child's upbringing is not handled well… Combine it with peer's and society's pressures, parental and educational expectations… I mean, it's so hard to be a kid, and when you can't rely on your parents, who can you rely on?"
Silence took over the room. It felt like seven minutes, not seven seconds, before he replied. "Do you have children, Bella?"
"No," I shook my head and looked up at him. "Why?"
He shrugged. "Just curious."
"Do you?" I found myself asking, turning to him again. Well, he was married…
Any trace of impishness in his face was gone, and he smiled so beautifully my knees actually wobbled. "Yes. A seven-year old girl."
I watched his face and for a split second I was jealous of that little girl. Not as a woman, but simply as a daughter, whose father's face never looked as in love with his child as Edward's did right now.
"What is her name?"
"Katie." He kept smiling. Ahh, so that was Katie.
I nodded, feeling suddenly empty and sad as I usually was when I let myself wander too far away into a past I couldn't change. I turned away from Edward once again and started to fold the napkins.
I wanted him gone. Gone. So, to use the situation, I asked the thing only he could possibly answer. "How is he? Marcus, I mean."
He sighed. "He is going to be fine. He woke from coma last weekend, and now he's at home. All of his injuries are healing, but they think it is going to take a few months for him to recover properly."
I was silent, because none of that information was of any substance.
Edward continued. "He doesn't walk yet, of course, and it will take a few weeks until the casts go away. His head looks good, though. He's fully aware of what happened. He talks and laughs and spends his days in bed playing video games."
I chuckled. "Bet he's enjoying that."
I heard him chuckle, too. "For now, yes. He actually wants to go back to school as soon as possible. He misses it."
My head shot up. "Does he?"
He smiled reassuringly, and now the smile was much more honest. "For now, yes. I don't think it's gonna last once he actually is back at school."
I chuckled sadly again. "No, probably not." The picture of him sitting at his desk was in my mind now. But the picture was all I had, because I wouldn't see him in that desk; I was the one who was not going back to school again. "How do you know all that?"
"Mr. Volturi invited me to dinner a few days ago."
I laughed so abruptly it surprised not only Edward, but also myself. So, that's where Mr. Volturi came from. "Of course, he did."
"Look, Bella-"
"Don't," I cut him off, leaving the napkins be, looking at him. "I get it. Frankly, it doesn't surprise me. Mr. Volturi," I snorted, "was always very… particular about his company. I bet you are his new best friend now - a hero who saved his precious little son. His legacy. What do you think about his wife? Did she cook? She never struck me as a… how to say it? Domestically gifted type of woman." I gave him a look that basically said you-really-must-be-an-idiot.
He kept looking at me as if he knew I wasn't finished. There was something different about him tonight. Despite being more relaxed, he also seemed more…I don't know… rude? Cynical? Mocking? Calm as ever, but that much more annoying.
"At least, tell me you enjoyed it. I know I wouldn't have, but we all have different tastes, different ideas about different things…" I leaned closer to him as if I was about to reveal a secret, lowering my voice. "Just make sure you stay on his side now, because I have heard that anyone who voluntary puts themselves into the position of his enemy is just downright stupid. And you seem just like his kind of guy, you don't want to ruin that."
Without allowing him to say anything, I left the kitchen. Lick-ass. That explained why he was defending him, talking about professionalism and all… I bet, now that he was moving back to Seattle, he could use having the big king of Seattle socialite life Aro Volturi on his side. Cullen himself comes from a good family, that was for sure, but being in Volturi's gang… well, why wouldn't he use it to his advantage? He couldn't have planned it better, that car couldn't have hit a better kid… Okay, now I was being outright mean, but damn, this man was my nightmare.
Oh, no, Bella, you thank this man for not having nightmares.
Miserable, I joined the party in the living room, where Rosalie was excitedly opening all of her presents, almost orgasming over the scarf she got from Alice. I tried to smile and focus on them having fun, but I couldn't. This was supposed to be my night with the girls – and Emmett. I was supposed to enjoy this night as much as I could, and not fume over the shrink whose presence made me just utterly pissed off.
"What do you think, Bella?" Rosalie asked me, bringing my attention to the purple scarf.
"Nice," I said, plastering a smile on my face.
"Bella, you sure you want me to open your gift tomorrow?"
"Yeah, I'm sure," I said, giving her a reassuring smile.
In the meantime, shrink-slash-lick-ass-slash-inhumanly-beautiful-man made his appearance again and I did my best to ignore him; I found a nice place for me to sit and wistfully observed Rose and Alice who in a way had become my family. They giggled and joked, Alice obviously more than smitten by one of the Cullen brothers who I am sure she had already fucked and Rose who I knew was helplessly in love with Emmett and looked forward to her wedding. I honestly couldn't remember the last time I genuinely looked forward to something. Life had gradually become a burden for me and before I realized how bad it had gotten, I was already in way too deep to see a way out.
The only thing that truly was making me feel like the guiltiest person in the world was the fact that I was leaving my two girls this way without being able to say a proper goodbye. As little as I thought of myself, part of me knew it was going to break their hearts and maybe make them even angry. But the guilt wasn't enough to change my mind. At this point, nothing would.
It was strange, how much at peace I was with myself now, despite all the pain.
There were still, however, things I'd like to do – go to Provence in France to get insanely inspired; visit my mom's grave in Phoenix… and paint. Paint at least one last time. There was, of course, no question about what – or rather who - I would paint. I knew I didn't have strong self-reflection skills, but if I had missed such an obvious thing, only then I knew I would consider myself to be a really lost cause. Since I had abandoned painting, I never encountered the urge to paint of such magnitude. Every time I woke from my warmth and green-filled dreams – if it was midnight or dawn - my fingers itched with the need to perpetuate the feelings, the emotions Edward had awoken in me; I felt the energy of life and excitement - feelings so foreign, so freeing, but devastatingly frightening at the same time. The possibility of losing his presence in my dreams only strengthened the need, because I realized it could very easily be the last time I had his face so clearly carved in the front of my mind.
It was so different than what I felt in his presence that it all freakishly confused me and therefore I didn't do anything. After I had woken up from another dream, I stared at the ceiling for a few minutes, clenching my fingers into tight fists waiting for the storm raging in my head to pass. A few days ago, when the desire had become too strong to suppress, I had gotten out of bed in the middle of the night and opened the closet knowing I had a couple of small blank canvases somewhere in there. When I had finally found them, the realization dawned on me – I was not a painter anymore. Who was I kidding? I had abandoned it and there was no reason for me to get back into it. Even if that reason was Edward Cullen.
"Alice? Can I speak with you for a second?" I came to Alice who was in a heated discussion about something with Jasper. I looked at him apologetically and in return he smirked at me.
"Now?" she asked, smiling, but there was a warning look in her eyes saying don't-you-fucking-dare-interrupt-this.
"Yes. Please. I'll be going home soon," I said, ignoring her stare, trying to keep my voice steady.
"Okay. I'll be back," she said to Jasper. There must have been something in my request that made her comply. Alice usually didn't beat around the bush when it came to telling me to fuck off when she was on a get-the-guy mission. Although, I was sure she already had him wrapped around her pinky finger.
"So, what's up? You know I love you, but Jasper's going back to New York tomorrow and I can't waste my time with him. He'll be gone for three weeks!" she said once we were seated in the reading lounge in the corner of the room. We had a nice view of the party from here. I noticed she was unusually coordinated and her speech lacked the incoherency she usually possessed at this time of night whenever alcohol was served. Only was it then I noticed she had a glass of soda in her hands, staying true to her word of taking it easy tonight. Alice was usually the first to get drunk anytime she had a chance and if she didn't drink tonight solely because of a hunch, then she was taking it more seriously than I thought.
"I just wanted to say goodbye," I said simply, and the muscles of my throat constricted.
She frowned. "Already? But it's too soon to go home. We are going to play Cards Against Humanity, you love that game."
I smiled tensely. "I don't feel like playing anything. I've had a long week and I don't feel well; I guess I just need to go home and sleep it off," I lied. I was never a good liar and Alice had been my friend for a couple of years now; she could usually tell when I was talking bullshit.
Her frown deepened, her face turned skeptical. "If you're sure."
I nodded. She waited for me to say more, but instead I hugged her. Despite the sudden nervousness, there was no hesitation in the way my arms enveloped her in a tight embrace. We weren't the type of friends that hugged, but now, I needed her close.
To keep it cool and not make her too suspicious – because I was sure she already sensed something was off – I chuckled. "Take it easy with Jasper, will ya? You don't want him to get too attached."
That worked. She pulled away after she squeezed the shit out of me, her face all giddy again. "I think it's a bit too late for that."
I genuinely smiled at her face expression. I hadn't seen her so taken by someone in a quite some time. "Maybe he has it all," I shrugged. "Knows how to play Monopoly and how to eat fucking cotton candy."
She looked over at him, sighing deeply. "Well, he definitely is a smooth talker."
"Looks like the type."
"But oh-so-sweet and gentle and the sex!" she swooned. "Bella, if you only knew! We have to meet soon, all three of us because I have so much to tell you!"
"Just be careful 'kay?" I asked her, just like she had asked me months ago when I had been swept away by James.
She grinned surreptitiously, tapping her temple with her finger. "Don't you worry, Bella. I have a radar for pricks."
"Don't I know it?" I asked, bittersweetly remembering her warnings about James.
"Oh, Bella, I didn't mean it like that," she frowned. "I'm so sorry about him. I wish he… I wish he hadn't hurt you so much."
I forced out another smile. "I'm over him," I lied because while I didn't want him back, I was definitely still hurting. "
"Well, I think I have a feeling that you will soon forget all about him," she said cheekily.
"Another hunch?" I rolled my eyes.
"Believe it or not, Bella, you will fall in love with someone who will love you back. Madly."
She sounded terrifyingly serious and I laughed dryly at that. Right... Firstly, I wasn't a person who deserved to be loved, let alone be loved madly; I had made a whore out of myself and who would love the person I had chosen to become? Secondly, even if I found the strength to be myself around someone, I couldn't imagine a man who would willingly step into my life and bear all the ramifications of that decision. Life was hard for me… therefore life would be hard with me, too. As much as I hated to admit it, I was seriously depressed. Jacob couldn't handle me, he didn't know how, and I had ended up being cheated on. After that, I had rather given up on the idea of relationships and love and all that shit, because – honestly? – everyone who mattered walked out of my life. I had chosen sex, physical pain, and alcohol because it numbed the pain I constantly felt in my chest. I had chosen to hide from the world, to hide my true desires, wishes, and dreams because people I cared about never loved me for who I truly was, it always looked like they left me because of how different, how difficult I was.
I had chosen to live a lie, to become the Bella people knew now, the Bella who was loud and rude and who pretended she didn't give a shit, even though she secretly cared too much about everything. But, I guess I couldn't let go of old Bella completely… the sadness, the isolation she had always felt were still within me, no matter who I decided to become.
And thirdly, I knew for sure Alice's prediction was crap, because I wouldn't be around for anyone to fall in love with me. I had already decided to end this nonsensical life I lived. There was no hope for me anymore.
"Trust me," she continued, smirking.
"Whatever," I shrugged. "Take care of yourself, Alice."
"Of course, I will," she answered, puckering her brows quizzically. "I always do."
"I'll go and say a quick goodbye to Rose," I said, standing up.
"Give me a call when you get home," she ordered and stood up, too.
"Sure," I lied.
She had a thoughtful expression on her face and then nodded. "See you on Monday, right?"
"On Monday," I lied again.
"Bella! Alice! Come, we're gonna play Cards Against Humanity!" a slightly drunken Rose called in our direction, and before we started toward her, Alice gave me a strange look which I chose to ignore.
"I'm going home, Rose," I told her when we reached the circle of Emmett, Jasper, Rose, and Edward.
She whined. "Bella, come on! It's my birthday."
Feeling eyes of everyone on me, I felt even more uncomfortable in my lie. I shook my head. "I'm too tired, Rose. It was a great night, but I need to go now."
"The game's not gonna be the same without you," she said in defeat. I couldn't overlook the smug smile on Emmett's face. I bet he thought the opposite, happy to get rid of me so soon.
"I know," I confirmed. "Next time, okay?" I managed to say.
"Okay," she nodded. Then, I hugged her, just like I had Alice, and just like Alice, it took her by surprise, too. "Oh, that's new. And you're not even drunk," she said while I was squeezing her tightly.
I pulled away and shrugged casually. Or, at least I thought it looked casual.
"You sure I can't open your gift tonight, Bella?" she asked.
"One hundred percent sure. Promise me," I told her seriously.
She rolled her eyes. "Promise."
I smiled at how the wine colored her now red cheeks, glad that she was enjoying herself tonight. To Rosalie, this night was everything she needed – she could cook for people she cared about – her Emmett, Alice, the Cullen brothers who obviously in a short time had become a part of our little clique. Edward and Emmett had known each other from god knows when and the girls loved their mature and intelligent company. When at the club, we usually kept to ourselves, and if we allowed guys to join us, it was because Alice or I were going to fuck them that night. And in that case, we didn't really care about their brains. So, I wasn't really surprised. She looked happy, a little tipsy and relaxed. I just hoped Emmett could pull her through the next couple of weeks. Alice was a hurricane and I knew she could overcome what was about to come, but Rosalie was a bit gentler and generally all motherly when it came to both of us.
"Let me walk you out," she said, putting aside her glass of wine.
"Emmett, Jasper," I said in farewell, ignoring Edward deliberately. They both nodded in acknowledgment, and I turned to follow Rose who had already disappeared in the hallway that led to the door. Suddenly, someone grabbed my elbow, and I didn't have to be Sherlock Holmes to know who that someone was. His fingers were going to leave burning marks.
I turned back to him and looked into his eyes directly, shaking his hand off. "What?" I spat.
As much as I tried I couldn't read his eyes. He was searching mine again and I had no idea if he had found what he wanted or not. After a couple of seconds of a staring contest, he shrugged. "Goodbye, Bella."
"Goodbye, Edward."
When I left the room I saw Rosalie waiting for me by the door.
"Take care, Rose," I said, swallowing hard.
"We'll miss you tonight, hon. Drive carefully."
I looked into her eyes. "Goodnight, Rosalie."
"Goodnight, Bella. See you soon."
Yeah. Sure.
The drive home was quiet. No radio, no songs, no buzzing in my head. Just an uncommon silence taking over my mind. It was a little frightened at how at ease I found myself to be, how sure and – for once – not confused by my choice. I wanted it and I knew I was going to do it tonight. Because that was the plan.
Once I was in the apartment, I switched the lights on not only in the living room but in every room of my apartment – kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, the small closet. Don't ask me why, because I don't know. I think I just felt the need to make myself physically relaxed as I could feel my hands shaking a bit. Strange, how my mentally drained mind couldn't care less about what I was going to do, yet my body somehow sensed the danger and was trying to warn me. As if that would help.
Before I started, I took out my laptop and for one last time, I found my blog I had abandoned it after James had abandoned me. Since then I had felt like shit and to admit my failure online was the last thing I needed. Even now I wasn't ready to go into any details of my life or go into a pathetic rant about the fact that I was going to kill myself in the next thirty minutes. No. I slipped a note into Rosalie's gift that said a few simple words I couldn't say to her tonight. But I wanted to wrap things up on my blog, too, and maybe give the girls more than just an I'm sorry on a piece of paper.
Blog n. 70
16th February, 2013
To Alice and Rose.
I'm so sorry.
I know I have fucked up. Or, at least, you think that I have. But, listen, girls… you always talked on and on about how worried you were about me, how you don't want me to feel down, about how you wanted me to be happy…
Well, guess what? I finally made a decision that made me happy. I made a decision that took me away from the pain and loneliness, from the ongoing buzz in my head that never seemed to stop, from the struggle my life has become in the last couple of months.
Please, don't be too sad. I know you are probably quite pissed off, too, but… Don't be too sad for me. I know I am better now. Believe me when I say that.
Rose… I'm so sorry I won't be there to see you marry your Emmett. I know how much you love him and even though I have no idea what I did to make him hate me so much, I say only one thing – he is a good man. And he is going to take care of you because in every look he gives you I see how much he loves you. I am so happy for you both. And, please, play some good music at that wedding of yours. You know how much I'd have loved to shake my ass and run away with one of the groomsmen :)
Alice. You crazy little bitch. I have so much to thank you for. You were my first friend in that shithole everyone calls school. And, quite frankly, I wouldn't have been able to survive as long as I have without you. You made me laugh and then you made me angry and then you made me laugh again. And yes, we might have had some quarrels along the way, but I never doubted your good intentions. It was always me who shut you out because you were always right. So fucking right. And I am sorry for that, too. Please, give Marcus a kiss from me. And tell my kids how much I love them and that I am sorry.
I love you both. I wish we could have gotten to know each other more, because if we had, then this decision wouldn't be as such a surprise to you as it will be. I tried, I really tried to get over it, but I can't. Please, don't be too mad at me.
I love you. I do. And I'm sorry. Oh, god knows I'm sorry.
Bella.
It didn't make sense to sign as Romy anymore. Who cared at this point? Besides, it was a personal blog post, and it felt wrong signing it as a person I had once been. Had been, because I didn't feel like her anymore.
No, I definitely didn't feel like her.
I clicked on post and now there was no going back. A few solitary tears found their way out, followed by a few quiet sobs. Before I knew it I was crying, hard and loud. Crying because all pain I had suppressed tonight came out, remembering all the smiles I had faked, all the lies I had told. But I had to. I had no other choice. I went into the kitchen, guided more by memory than by sight marred by the flow of tears. I opened the drawer in which I kept my kitchen knives, reaching for the one I knew was the sharpest. I couldn't take any chances, could I?
Ignoring the shakiness in my hands, I looked around myself, realizing I didn't want to do it in the kitchen. Therefore, I went into my bedroom and sat on the bed, listening to my ragged breathing.
It was coming. I was finally going to end it.
Breathe, Bella. Inhale. Exhale.
I was staring at the knife in my shaky hands through the liquid continuously forming in my eyes. But I found myself smiling. Because the relief would come soon. I felt the pain, but it would end soon.
Now.
Do it, Bella.
Do it now.
And I cut my left wrist. Deeply. The blade slowly sunk in and I shrieked in pain, the familiar sensation spreading from the place of the cut, but accompanied by a whole lot more blood running out of my veins crazily. The pain was spreading up my arm like a venom, and with a satisfied smile, I imagined that at the point of reaching the heart, the venom would make it stop. I rested the back of my head on the headboard and felt hot dampness on my stomach where my hand rested. The odor of blood hung in the air, but I was long past the point of getting nauseous. My brain was challenged far more differently. The pain was becoming more pronounced, too uncomfortable to bear. I looked at my cut wrist and if I wasn't so drunk by pain, I would scream in horror. I tried to put the knife into my left hand, the one that was cut, but I had to really focus to hold onto it properly. There was no way I would cut it as well as I did the left one. I should've acted more quickly and cut both at once. But it was too late for that. Now, I just wanted to make it quicker. The physical pain was becoming excruciating, crawling up my arms, making them spasm.
I cut the right one, barely feeling anything, my brain focusing on the much bigger pain in the left wrist. But the cut in the right one was pretty deep, too.
Just hold on, Bella.
It won't take much longer.
So far, I fought hard to stay above the dark waters. I fought hard not to be taken by them when they called me and tried to lure me in promising the relief I longed after. I tried so hard to find a reason why I could bear the pain and not just give up. But I wasn't strong anymore. I wasn't good enough. Now, I finally let go and let the water take me, screaming, but not fighting because there was nothing in me left that would be strong enough to resist.
I screamed some more and watched – partly in amazement and partly in disgust – how red, hot blood was shooting out of the open wound in my left wrist, making the bed and my clothes red and warm and damp. Very soon, everything blurred together including the sounds. The pain was finally retreating and in a haze of a sudden delusion, I heard a loud bang-bang-bang.
Was I hallucinating?
Bella! Bella… Bella!
Yes, I was. Hearing one's name was definitely the sign of hallucinating.
When my eyelids started to flutter, I knew the end was coming. I closed my eyes and smiled languidly.
BANG! Again. I heard it again, but now it sounded more muted, not so intense as if I was finally under the water. Suddenly, I was sinking deep very fast, finally forced to let go, to let the dark consume me and swallow me completely. It was like I was in one of my dreams again, but there were no strong arms this time that would hold me above. For a while, I wondered where he was, but then I realized I was alone. Exactly as I deserved to be.
Bella?
And just as I was feeling the arms of the eternal night to reach out and make me part of it, I was swiftly pulled in the opposite direction.
Bella!
To this day I wonder how I managed to open my eyes. It was only for two seconds but even in my state of being practically unconscious, I managed to ingrain the look in his eyes to my memory so well, I can see it now without any vagueness or unclearness. There were shock and horror. Definitely fear and panic. But also a flicker of anger and resentment.
I couldn't keep my eyes open for long, but the moment I saw the familiar green, I wanted to smile. He had come, after all. It was like in my dream. I didn't know anymore what I was doing in the water and how I got into it in the first place. All that mattered was that he pulled me out and held me again, just right above it.
Where have you been?
And this was the last thing I remember. Because even though he was here, the dark water was still close and he could still change his mind.
A/N The 1st of March was a global Self-Injury Awareness Day and I'd like to draw attention to the fact just how many people nowadays are engaging in self-harm and that it is not only about cutting and bleeding, but also about less obvious and more 'socially acceptable' ways of hurting oneself: self-destructive internal dialogue, disruptive eating patterns (eating disorders) or exposing ourselves to excessive consumption of alcohol and drugs...etc. These and many more might be a result of former emotional or physical abuse, a mental health disorder, or simply a result of the pressure the society and social media create on human beings, regardless of gender or sexual identity.
And as we all know - to live in today's world without being negatively affected in one way or another requires a helluva strong mind and a lot of endurance.
Thank you all for maybe stopping to think of how hard it must be for those who are more vulnerable than the rest of us. Even though we might never fully understand, sometimes - in case of depression - a simple "I believe you're struggling." goes a long way.
Phew... that was long :) I hoped that you are not put off by Edward's attitude, but you see Bella wasn't particularly nice to him last time. Don't worry. They will soon find a way to each other :)
Let me know how you feel. What are your thoughts on self-harming and mental health issues?
I'll try to update next week. R.