DISCLAIMER: Stephenie Meyer owns the characters, storyline's mine.
Again, THANKS to my beta EdwardsFirstKiss for an edit :)
Enjoy. R.
14. Portishead - Roads
CHAPTER 13
This Wasn't Supposed to Happen
"Storm, in the morning light
I feel
No more can I say
Frozen to myself
I got nobody on my side
And surely that ain't right
And surely that ain't right
Oh, can't anybody see
We've got a war to fight
Never found our way
Regardless of what they say
How can it feel, this wrong
From this moment
How can it feel, this wrong."
This was the longest dream I had ever had.
Not that I minded since it had started off as usual - with Edward and his arms wrapped around me, bringing the ease, the comfort, and the safety I had gotten used to far too quickly in the last few weeks. The dark water was still there, but I didn't really paid attention to it this time. Soon, however, the dream shifted from its usual course. At the point when the dream was supposed to finish, and I was to wake up, I started to hear his voice – an unexpected upgrade if I do say so myself. I couldn't make out exactly what he was saying but the voice was unmistakably his, all caress and velvet and serenity. What confused me later, was Dr. Angelic. Seriously? I was trying to enjoy something here. Couldn't the man choose a different dream to appear in? I mean, not physically, because that place all belonged to Edward, but I started to hear his voice, too. Later – to my huge dismay – other voices replaced Edward's completely – even Emmett's - until Edward disappeared completely.
The moment he was gone proved that my dreams were only nightmares in disguise. The voices mutated and grew louder, blurring together. My head started throbbing with pain and my temples were about to burst. Suddenly, I remembered I had a body, because the heaviness that fell upon me was making it difficult to breathe. The water was getting closer and closer and I was about to drown when Edward decided to make his appearance again. It was as if he knew I was drowning, taking my hand, my body, and saying something to my ear.
This dream was nothing like the ones I'd had before, yet I had never felt his presence more. I could see him, feel him, even hear him.
But when the dream ended I didn't wake up.
Monday, February 18, 2013 (2 days later)
If you think it took me time until I realized what had happened, you're wrong. I wish I had been spared the pain for a little while more, wallow in confusion and let myself ask questions first. But no. The moment I opened my eyes and was blinded by bright sterile hospital lights, I knew exactly what had happened.
I had survived.
I immediately started to look for a person to blame and while I was sure there were definitely more names, one stood out from the others. And I don't have to tell you it was the person who – I was now sure – had recently set himself on the quest to destroy my life.
A nurse was by my side within seconds after I woke up, asking me questions I had no intention of answering. All I saw in front of me were his green eyes, wide open and horrified, felt the flexing of his muscles when he picked me up, tugging me to his body closely. It was nice in the dream, but I'd rather have nightmares until the end of my life than to ever see his face in a dream again. Or in life for that matter.
The room buzzed with people and beeping sounds and held no interest for me, but even if I tried I wouldn't be able to focus on anything because now – thanks to Dr. Psycho - I faced a big problem – I was alive, and this was not supposed to happen. I was supposed to be dead, safe and without pain. How… how was I going to live now? What was going to happen? How would I ever manage to go back? And as the reality settled down and more and more questions started to creep into my mind, I felt a big bulge in my throat and silent tears making their way down my face. This was not supposed to happen, this was not supposed to happen, I should be dead, I should be dead… No, no, no, no…
"Bella."
This voice I would recognize anywhere – it was gentle, worried but relieved and slightly scolding at the same time now. I was already about to forgive him the scolding part because in many ways this man was like a father to me and he was probably the only human being I was capable receiving a scolding from. I looked up and there he was – in a white coat, looking like an angel that had descended from the heavens, his beautiful face only a snippet older than I remembered. One look at him and another wave of tears spilled over the edge. Because he was so good to me because he wasn't angry for how I had behaved the last time we had seen each other. I didn't deserve any of it.
"Hey, stranger," he said gently, starting towards me slowly. I looked away and let the tears fall because my hands just felt too heavy to lift and wipe the tears. "The nurses tell me you won't talk."
I wouldn't. Because I was angry. And because I should be dead.
"Are you in pain?" he asked. I didn't answer, and he waited while I felt his blazing blue eyes on me. "Bella, honey, I need to know."
"What do you think?" I muttered, my voice hoarse.
He sighed. "Any physical pain?" I shook my head, still looking away from him. "Are you sure?"
I nodded because I wasn't in pain. My head throbbed a little but it wasn't anything I couldn't bear.
"Do you remember what happened?"
Yes. I nodded.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
No. I shook my head.
"We almost lost you, sweetheart," he said, and I looked up at him, concern written on his face. "Had Edward and Alice come one minute later, the repercussions might have been much bigger. Your heart stopped, but we managed to bring you back. Luckily there hasn't been any brain damage. You scared us there a little."
Your heart stopped. Was I really that close?
"Unfortunately, your left hand wasn't that lucky. We tried to do our best, but we weren't able to save it."
"What do you mean?" I asked, my voice an octave higher while I relived Deja vu. I looked down and saw that my left hand was in the cast, the right one wrapped tightly in a bandage. They weren't painful, only very heavy and numb.
"The tissue and nerves in your left hand were previously very seriously damaged, Bella. And I have a suspicion that you haven't been very careful with it for the last couple of years. But by slitting the wrist again, you severed the connections we had tried so hard to repair the last time. We couldn't do anything to make it work again. Of course, we'll know the final extent of your injury after we remove the cast, but because we had to remove parts of damaged nerves, you have lost the feeling in your hand for good. In terms of mobility, we have to wait and see. With patience and the right amount of rehabilitation therapy your hand might be functional as much as sixty percent."
What have I done?
"Don't be afraid, it sounds worse than it actually is."
I wasn't supposed to survive. I wasn't supposed to survive.
I felt tears rolling down my cheeks, quiet sobs escaping my mouth while I watched my left hand, the greyish white cast covering my forearm and the tips of my fingers peeking out. I tried to move them but couldn't. It was like I had nothing there. I felt helpless and alone. In surviving, I suddenly didn't have a solution to the thing I called my life and the prospect of living it scared the shit out of me. What was I going to do now?
"Your precious son didn't have to play the hero."
"He's a doctor, Bella, and I dare say it was his knowledge and experience that saved your life."
"He's a shrink," I snorted.
"Medically trained nevertheless."
"You must be so proud of him," I said and through the tears, the sarcasm wasn't quite as effective as it might be.
But Dr. Angelic, always immune to my bitter tongue, only frowned more. "As a matter of fact, I am."
I huffed but didn't say anything. I couldn't stop crying but I really didn't give a shit. I had every reason to cry and mourn my life.
"Bella," he said, his voice gentler now. "I might not know what happened the first time we met or what is going on in your life right now but trust me when I say that you deserve to live a happy and fulfilling life regardless of what you might think. It might not have always been easy for you, but why would you give up so soon?"
The stream of my tears intensified, and I looked away from him.
He sighed. "We'll talk about it later. Now you need to rest. I'll tell the nurse to give you something to sleep."
"I don't want to go to sleep."
"Okay, as you wish," he said, patting my shoulder gently. "I'll be right behind that window," he said and pointed at the glass window in front of me. I couldn't exactly make out what or who was behind it, but I definitely saw people moving around. Only now I could see the room I was in. It was full of different monitors and lights, very sterile. It looked like an ICU. Was I really in the ICU?
"Am I in the ICU?"
Dr. Angelic smirked and nodded. "Only for the time being. After we resuscitated your heart, you were in surgery for your hand. Then we moved you here. You lost a lot of blood, Bella and at that point, anything could have gone wrong. If you feel better this evening, we'll move you to a regular room." When I didn't say anything, he continued. "I know it's a lot to take in, but we'll talk about everything later."
He smiled at me one last time and left. A nurse then came to me and checked my temperature, asked a few more questions that I again refused to answer. When she finally left me alone, I let my body sink deeper into the mattress while I watched the emptiness around me that matched the one inside of me. I never stopped crying and I wasn't sure if I ever would. Everything was too… void. Nonsensical even. Like I wasn't supposed to be here.
I might have spent hours or maybe only minutes like that, lying lifelessly in bed, when a knock on the door woke me up from my thoughtless reverie. I turned my head to the door, but he had already let himself in. Bastard.
"What are you doing here?" I snapped.
He approached me rather hesitantly, shrugging as if he didn't know. He was wearing one of those shapeless, awfully looking, blue hospital shirts and pants. Yet he still managed to pull them off. "I just wanted to see how you're doing."
I smiled bitterly. "Fabulous, I'm having one of the best days of my life."
He didn't say anything, but his face hardened. He stopped at the foot of the bed, watching me with a searching look in his eyes again. Fucking idiot. Couldn't he just leave me be and go see his new best friend Mr. Volturi?
"You must feel so satisfied with yourself right now. Saving a life - what an accomplishment," I said, just to piss him off.
"I think you forget it was my father who you should give most of the credit for that. I may have stopped you from bleeding out, but he patched you up."
"It must be his favorite pastime – patching me up. I wonder when he will get tired of it."
Edward clenched his jaw. "Don't talk about my father like that. He would do anything to save you." Ouch. That hurt.
"Well, you could've saved him the trouble had you let me bleed out. Did I scream for help? Did I look like I wanted to be saved?"
Something flickered in his expression like he suddenly understood something. Then, his uptight demeanor somewhat lessened and his shoulders relaxed. "Bella, I understand that committing suicide feels like a solution to you, but you are not the first or the last person in this world who has ever felt that way. There are ways-"
"Oh, stop with the shrink crap! You think I haven't heard that before?"
"No, I don't," he said slowly, his palm in the air curled into a fist. He was thinking hard of what to say. "But there is no shame in asking for help when you need it. Be it a professional or personal one. You need to talk more. You need to admit that some things are just way too big for you to handle alone."
And this angered me even more than I was already. Who was he to tell me what kind of problems I had? He knew nothing of what I felt and had to face every day, the pain of losing oneself in a sea of regret and loneliness, of the life one could've had and was never good enough to have in the first place. How could he know? Having a perfect life, and perfect father, how could he know what I had lost and could never get back? And how could I live with all that pain of knowing what could've been had I made different decisions in my life?
"Who are you to decide what I can or cannot handle?" I seethed angrily.
"Isn't your attempt to take your life indication enough?"
"You never had to go through what I have gone through every single day of my entire life! So, don't fucking tell me what I can or cannot handle because after so many years you simply grow tired of waiting for it to get better. It doesn't get better. And it never will."
"Look, I deal with people like you almost every day, and-"
"People like me?" I laugh bitterly.
"Bella, listen-
"No, you listen to me, doctor. You might think you know what I've been through but being a shrink doesn't entitle you to tell people how they feel. And yes, my problems might look ridiculous in your eyes, but they affect me badly, so don't you dare tell me to be patient and work through them with someone. I've been down that route not once or twice but fucking seven times and all of you fucking shrinks are the same! I let them make me feel awful before, but I'm never gonna let them hurt me again. They don't know anything! You don't know anything."
He looked almost hurt when I said that, but he quickly regained his former cold faced expression. He paced a little from one side of the room to the other until he stopped in front of my bed again, resolution visible on his face. "You know what? You are actually right. I don't know anything about you. How many times have we seen each other? Three?" he chuckled dryly. "But what I've seen so far is a cynical woman who is exceptionally rude and vulgar and has no respect for her friends whatsoever. No, I don't know what is wrong in your life and I do trust when you say that you suffer. I don't intend to belittle or trivialize your feelings – for god's sakes, I am a psychiatrist, I should know! But the way you treat the people around you is disrespectful and…" he trailed off, frustratingly running a hand over his face.
"You should've let me die!" I shouted, new tears falling down my face again. Because he was right. And I hated to see the truth after so many years of living a lie. This was what I was so afraid of… of him seeing me. The little person who didn't deserve to live, who wasn't good enough – the person who I've become. "That was all I wanted! And you ruined it! It is all your fault!"
There was something in his face I couldn't read. He was annoyed, that was for sure. Annoyed and frustrated, too, but there was something else in his face, that resembled pain. It looked like I had hurt him again, but I dismissed the thought right away because this man didn't care about me. I couldn't hurt him.
"Then sorry. I apologize for doing everything I could to keep you alive." And there! It was in his voice, too. Almost like a resignation, but an angry one. A resignation full of resentment. This man hated me for even trying to kill myself. Well, I hated him, too. Fucking shrink.
Then the door opened, and Dr. Angelic entered the room. He stopped by his son, putting a hand on his shoulder. "That's enough," he said. As they were standing side by side, I couldn't help but notice how different they were. In height they were more or less the same, Edward was maybe a bit taller than his father, but his shoulders were hunched and stiff, so I couldn't really tell. Also, they were both ridiculously beautiful men, each in his own way. But other than that, I would have never guessed Edward was Dr. Angelic's son. Dr. Angelic was like an angel. His complexion was very fair, almost white, his hair was blond but lacked any golden touch – it was almost platinum. His eyes were like the sky – bright blue but warmed by the sun, always eliciting an idealistic kindness and tenderness. The angles of his face were less defined and more roundish which overall created a very amicable and kind face. If Dr. Angelic represented heaven, Edward was his complete opposite. Not hell, mind you, but Edward was very… earthy. His skin was pale, too, but it was brilliantly balanced by his reddish-brown hair, dark thick eyebrows, and earthly green eyes so piercing that it was almost impossible not to look at them. They were the eyes of a skeptic, of a person who was realistic about all things but could be gentle and kind, too. The shape of his face, nose, and jaw was sharp and angular, so different from his father that for a second, I thought Mrs. Cullen had had an adventure and Dr. Angelic was too naïve to see it.
Yet, despite their outer differences, there was no doubt he was his son. The moment Dr. Angelic had put a hand on Edward's shoulder, he visibly relaxed and the look they exchanged told me they understood each other without words. The moment was short and probably not that significant, but to me, it was intimate and beautiful. Because my father had never looked at me like that. Yes, my friends loved me, but since my mother had died, I had never been loved back in that way. In that… unconditional way. And I was fairly sure I never would be.
"Bella, are you alright?" Dr. Angelic asked, bringing me back.
I nodded.
"Edward, why don't you go into my office?" he asked Edward and he silently nodded, giving me an unfathomable look. When he was finally gone I felt the tension dissipate into thin air, breathing deeply. I looked at Dr. Angelic's face and he looked upset. Not in an angry way, just as if some thought had upset him. Then I realized that he must have seen the entire exchange between me and his son since he was behind the glass. "Bella, Rosalie, and Alice came to see you. You might not want to see them, but I think you could use two friendly faces."
"You're right. I don't want to see them."
"Just for a couple of minutes, I promise. They haven't seen you since Saturday," he said. Only then did I realize I didn't know what day it was.
"It's Monday," Dr. Angelic answered my silent question, smiling faintly, lost in thought. "I'll let them in for fifteen minutes, okay?"
I reluctantly nodded. But fifteen minutes – that I could do.
"Good. I'll let them in."
Dr. Angelic left and three seconds later, Alice and Rosalie stormed into the room, worried expressions on their faces. I wonder what they must have seen – a broken woman with red eyes and cheeks with her hands glued helplessly to a bed. I must have looked pathetic. But as nobody dared to comment on my appearance, neither did they. Alice had launched herself on me with a big fervor, hugging my shoulders tightly, whispering in my ear. "Oh my god! Bella, you're alive! You have no fucking idea how much you scared me! I thought you were dead, I thought we had come too late! Oh my god, I'm so happy! You can't even imagine!" And she pulled away; her big eyes looked at me nervously. Before I could come up with a snappy response, Rosalie grabbed my shoulders and gave me an equally tight hug, but the only thing I heard from her were quiet sobs. She was crying.
"Jesus, Bella, do you have any idea how terrified I was when Alice called me, telling me it was all true? I thought we had lost you, I thought we would never see you again," she sobbed, a handkerchief in her hands.
I frowned. "What do you mean?"
"It was crazy!" Alice replied, her voice high-pitched. "How could you do that to us?" she shouted now, and she looked very angry. "Acting all casual, saying goodbye to us and then going home to kill yourself? Damn! I knew that night, something was wrong, but never in a million fucking years would I have expected you to do such a stupid thing!" All I could manage was to keep looking at them, each on one side of the bed, one crying her eyes out while other was screaming at my face. "Can you imagine our surprise when Rose opened her gift and besides a pair of ridiculously expensive earrings she found a note saying 'I'm sorry'?"
"I thought you were just ap-pologizing for the w-way you had been with u-us for the last few weeks, but A-Alice said there was m-more to it," Rosalie said through sobs.
"And I was fucking right! Rose here was too drunk to go with us, so Emmett and Jasper stayed with her. But Edward offered to go with me to check on you, to make sure you were fucking alright! Jeez, thank god I hadn't drunk anything that night! We took my car and I told Edward to check your blog because I had that fucking stupid hunch and for the first time of my life I didn't want it to be true and-"
"What?! Edward knows I have a blog?!" I cut her off. Why did it even bother me? It wasn't like there was anything I minded people knowing about me. Besides school, I was pretty open in advertising my way of life. But somehow, him knowing about it scared me, because… because he was Edward. He could figure things out. He could read more into it than anyone else.
"What does it matter?!" Alice shouted back at me. It was like that with us – when one of us shouted, the other shouted that much louder. Rosalie continued to sob loudly, and the quickening beep of the heart monitor was making this scene look totally absurd. "He read it out loud and - god I have goosebumps just thinking about it – we knew you were about to hurt yourself. And Edward, man, he was brilliant. He immediately got into that super-doctor-focused state kicked your door in like he was some kind of action-movie hero and just ran after you like you weren't a stranger he had just met a few weeks ago! Because Bella, I was so scared when I saw you! You were all covered in blood, your bed sheets, your clothes, even your face and your hair… If he hadn't come with me I don't know what would have happened!" Her voice was getting louder and her eyes even bigger by every sentence she said and I had never seen her like that. "I'll be forever grateful for what he did that night. You looked so dead, but he checked your pulse and said you were still alive, but that we had to take you to the hospital right away. He just tore your bed sheets like it was nothing, wrapping them around your wrists so skillfully and took you in his hands and - holy mother of god, Bella, that man was phenomenal! He was perfectly calm and composed, not like me, I was going totally crazy, I swear – crying, screaming like a complete lunatic. But he? No way! He even drove us to the hospital, while he called his father, Dr. Cullen – who is by the way just as gorgeous as Edward – and several doctors were already waiting for us at the entrance. I have never seen such determination! Can you even imagine how terrifying everything was?!"
"When Alice called me from the hospital, I couldn't believe her," Rosalie repeated, now a bit calmer. "All three of us drove to the hospital only to find Alice crying like a baby, telling us your heart had stopped." And she started to sob again.
"As if we weren't scared enough! Your heart had stopped and then they took you to one of those closed rooms and I wasn't allowed in. Edward went in because, you know, he is a doctor, and his father was there, so of course, he was allowed in. After the longest twenty minutes of my life, Dr. Cullen came out telling us you were alive, but in critical condition. Thank god Jasper was there 'cause I would've collapsed right then and there. Dr. Cullen said they were giving you blood transfusions and that you should be alright."
"Then he told us you needed to have surgery because of your hand, but first they needed to make sure you had enough blood in your body," Rosalie interjected.
"Oh, yes!" said Alice as if she had forgotten that part. "The surgery. After Dr. Cullen went back to you, we waited for Edward to come back, but he never did. Emmett – being a doctor and all – went inside to find out where he was and when he came back, he said Edward had stayed with you during the transfusion, but he didn't say why. Dr. Cullen told us to go home and we went 'cause Rose was just too shaken by everything and Jasper was flying back to New York the next morning, so I went with him. But Bella, I was right back first thing the next morning."
Honestly, I wasn't paying much attention to what she was saying anymore; because I was stuck at the part he stayed with you during transfusion and tried to wrap my mind around it.
"They took you into surgery first thing the next morning. Edward wasn't there, but Dr. Cullen said they did everything they could to save your hand. He said you had a previous injury but that he wouldn't violate your privacy by disclosing what it was. But he said you would live – and god – it was the best news ever!"
"We were here all day yesterday, but you didn't wake up," said Rose. "Dr. Cullen sent us home again and told us the nurses would give us a call when you woke up. He had to go home, too, but I begged Emmett to stay with you until Dr. Cullen came back, because I was so scared."
"Emmett was looking after me?" I asked incredulously.
"Of course," Rosalie answered. "I told you that you were important to him. His friend. Dr. Cullen replaced him this morning and soon he gave us a call that you woke up. We hurried into the hospital and bumped into. Cullen who said Edward was in your room, but that he was going to get him anyway because he needed to talk to him."
"What did you talk about?" Alice asked.
"I hope you weren't rude to him, Bella. He did so much for you," Rosalie added, a scolding look on her face.
And that was the point when I got angry again. "Did he now?"
They were both finally silent. I had no intention of shouting at them for being who they were, but I felt betrayed nevertheless. Why had Rosalie opened her gift and what gave Alice the right to storm into my apartment like the crazy person she really was? They ruined it all. They were in it with him, too. They were all equally guilty, yet I felt the biggest resentment against Edward. And why had he stayed with me during the transfusion? God, that man was confusing. Sometimes he was all kindness, saving me from Aro's claws, making it possible for me to see Marcus, staying with me during transfusion… Then he acted like a total dick, being a know-it-all, shrink-ass making my life miserable. Total Dr. Psycho. Who was supposed to figure that man out?
"Bella, please, be reasonable. We were worried so much! You can't even imagine!" Rose cried again.
"Why did you try to kill yourself, Bella? Why didn't you talk to us, huh?" Alice asked.
"I didn't need to tell you anything."
Alice scrunched up her nose. "Okay, maybe not us. But a professional, maybe? You know Rose offered you Emmett's help…"
"I don't need to talk to anyone," I hissed. "Stop fucking telling me I have problems and treat me like a crazy person just because my life's shit. It is just the way it is and I can't change that, okay? I had figured it out, and you ruined it. You and that fucking shrink ruined it."
"How can you say something like that?" Rosalie asked. "We do you want to die!"
"Do you want me to be happy, Rose? Then you should've let me die," I said, repeating the same thing I had said to Dr. Psycho.
"This is bullshit, Bella," Alice said. "This is not you talking."
"You have no idea who I really am, Alice, so stop your bullshit. You should've never known this about me, anyway."
"Do you mean your severe depression?" she asked.
I shrugged. "It's my thing to deal with."
"For god's sakes, Isabella, you are one incredibly stubborn bitch," Alice exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air theatrically. "When will you finally realize that we are on your side? We love you!"
"I know that!" I shouted back at her. "I know that! But you don't know what I have to go through every day!" I cried now. "You don't know! And how could I tell anyone? Every time I did, they just left me! Every time I have shown anyone just how broken I am, they leave! And I never wanted to experience that again. I was always alone and then suddenly I found you and you are the best fucking thing that happened to me, my friends, and I cannot lose you," I sobbed. "That's why you cannot know, that's why you don't know anything about me. Because I am not good. I am not good enough, Alice…" I cried and cried and started to shake. Only then did I feel four strong arms around me. "I am one horrible person."
"Stop it," Alice sobbed, too now.
"We'll never leave you," Rosalie promised but I couldn't trust her. I couldn't allow myself to trust that they wouldn't leave.
We stayed like that for a couple of minutes until a loud knock on the door interrupted us. We broke the hug and Dr. Angelic smiled timidly at us. "You should go, girls, Bella needs her rest."
They silently nodded and kissed me on the cheek. "We'll come back tomorrow," Alice said.
"Yeah, tomorrow," Rose agreed.
"Actually, you can take Bella home tomorrow," Dr. Angelic added.
What? So soon?
"Really?" Alice asked.
"Yes. It is not something I would recommend but if she passes a mental health assessment, she's ready to go."
"What if I don't?" I asked.
He sighed, frowning slightly. "Then, I'm afraid, you will be moved to a mental health institution. Since you attempted suicide, we cannot keep you longer than seventy-two hours. You need a mental health professional to look after you if you're not fit enough to return to your normal life."
"What? Is that how it really works?"
Dr. Angelic looked very uncomfortable, his voice gentle. "I'm sorry, sweetheart."
"Will Edward assess me?" And god knows why I asked that question. Trust me. I had no fucking idea why. I guess at that time he seemed like the lesser of two evils. I'd rather take him over any other shrink. No, no he's not. He's the worst. The truth was that I thought I could persuade Edward to let me go home. I knew I was making him uncomfortable just as much as he was making me, and I could basically annoy him to no end. Maybe I could manage to manipulate him in a way. I knew him – I could prepare for him. I could make him so angry and frustrated he would have no choice but to send me home.
He smirked in a way I didn't understand. "No. Edward's not a part of the hospital psychiatric team yet. But you remember Dr. Varner, right?"
Dr. Varner? That psycho idiot who had scared me to death? He was my first psychiatrist when I was hospitalized for the first time and he was the insensitive idiot who wrote that stupid discharge report ten years ago. If he was to assess me, I was done. "Please, no."
Dr. Angelic frowned. "I can ask if there is any other doctor available, but I can't promise anything." I think I started crying again at that point. Actually, I wasn't even sure if I had ever stopped crying in the first place.
The girls said their goodbyes, promising they would come back tomorrow. Dr. Angelic was about to take off home, too, but not before I had been moved to a regular room. Since none of the rooms had a glass window, there was always someone looking after me, sitting in the corner of the room. I felt so humiliated; even more, than I had been ten years ago when the nurse was checking on me every fifteen minutes to see if I was hurting myself. Again, I felt like I wasn't to be trusted like they considered me to be crazy.
But I wasn't. I wasn't crazy.
I cried myself to sleep that night. I felt uncomfortable in bed and I couldn't properly move because my forearms, wrists, and hands were too sore. So, I kept lying on my back, staring up at the ceiling letting the tears flow down my face. When the nurse brought dinner, I refused to eat. I wasn't going to be fed and after a couple of minutes she gave up, muttering something about it always being the same thing. Whatever she meant…
There weren't a lot of things I had thought about before I had fallen asleep from exhaustion. My mind was one giant void filled with nothing more than feelings of humiliation, betrayal and an incomprehensible sadness and anger. I was angry with Alice, Rose, Edward, and even Dr. Angelic. But most of all I was angry with myself. I wasn't supposed to survive. This wasn't supposed to happen. I felt a huge unfairness at the situation, and immensely helpless at the same time because now I couldn't do anything to amend it. I couldn't attempt to kill myself again now because it wouldn't work. If I was going to be able to try it again, I had better make sure I passed the assessment tomorrow. Only then I would be able to think about it again, and this time, I would come up with a plan that would work.
Because I couldn't keep on living. My life was a lie. I wasn't myself and never would be. So why torture myself anymore? I couldn't… I couldn't stand the pain. It was too much, and it would never, never get better.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
I looked at her and prayed that what she had just said was only a by-product of a nightmare. Because this – I knew – was very much real. "What?!"
"I'm sorry, honey!" Rose said as she sat down beside me on the sofa. "I'm sorry we couldn't keep it a secret, but Mike insists."
"What if I refuse?"
"He's going to fire you."
Was he serious?! "He can't do that!"
"Oh, he can," Alice said, and I looked over at her. She was sitting in an armchair, sipping a cosmo. "I'm actually surprised he hadn't done it the second we told him."
"He also said that you should be lucky he didn't tell Aro. Because if that were to happen, there would be no ultimatum," Rose added.
It wasn't an ultimatum. It was a fucking punishment. But I wanted to go back to school. At least until I could figure out what to do next. To attempt to kill myself again was temporarily out the window. I didn't know why, but I didn't feel like doing it, I was way too exhausted to deal with the consequences again if it didn't work. Besides, if that were the case, they would put me in a mental health hospital without any assessment. Only then I would be desperate. No, at least until I regained the trust of Rose and Alice, I decided to play nice and meanwhile think of something cleverer than slitting my wrists. Because they were watching me like I was their kid.
"Rose… I can't. I can't do it."
"But, Bella, wasn't that one of the conditions under which they discharged you from the hospital?"
"Yeah, but… they always have these stupid conditions. No one really cares afterward."
"Well, we care," Rose said adamantly. "You need to find a psychiatrist, Bella. Otherwise, Mike won't let you teach and he'll fire you." Oh right. The ultimatum.
"But I don't want anyone! How many times do I have to tell you that they won't help me? They don't understand! I don't need them!"
"Bella, stop being irrational," Alice chimed in, putting another empty glass of cosmo on the table. "Do you want Mike to fire you? Because he wouldn't hesitate."
"No!"
"So?"
I sighed, placing my head on the back of the sofa resignedly. "I-I'm not sure I'd be able to do that," I admitted. I was sure I would get a panic attack the moment I entered a shrink's office.
I felt Rose's and on my knee. "I'm sure you would. Don't give up without trying."
"Rose, I have already tried!" I said. When the girls had brought me home yesterday after the assessment I told them a little about my fear of shrinks. I only told them that I already had an experience with them and it had never helped. I hadn't told them about the self-harming and I wasn't sure if I ever would. The assessment I had yesterday wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. Luckily, Dr. Angelic made sure Dr. Varner wasn't available and I met with a young psychiatrist who apparently was doing her internship at the hospital. I think she was more scared of me than I was of her. She said she had never met a suicidal patient before with such a long history of depression. I tried to pretend like she hadn't said that and answered her questions with as much sanity as I could muster. In reality, I was sitting on the edge of the chair, ready to shoot towards the door any minute had she asked a totally stupid question. But it was over quickly, and after the consultation with one of the doctors, she came to tell me they'd discharge me if I found a psychiatrist and finally started to treat my depression. Plus, I had to agree to take medications. Proper antidepressants.
How useless if I do say so myself.
"But maybe… maybe you would benefit from treatment if the doctor was someone you already know," Rose said apprehensively.
"Huh?"
"You tell her," Alice said, but not to me. She was looking at Rose, smirking wickedly.
I straightened myself on the sofa. Rose took a deep breath, turning to me. "You know, I was thinking… And Emmett was thinking, too. Maybe… maybe you need someone who you know personally, who you can relate to."
"I cannot relate to shrinks. They fucking think they know everything."
"But they are human beings, too. Me, Emmett and Alice-"
"Don't include me in this charade," Alice interjected, sipping another cosmo. Where did she get it?
"You're not helping, Alice," Rosalie hissed in her direction, but then turned to me with a creepy smile. "You see, me and Emmett… we think it would be better for you to see a professional who you can trust and who you know outside of their office."
"That's funny, Rose. I don't know any shrinks. Not that I would allow anyone to invade my personal space," I chuckled dryly, but looking at Rosalie's face, I knew something was off.
And then it hit.
And then. It. Hit.
"You must be fucking kidding me?!" I shouted, springing up on my knees like an arrow. "No fucking way! Never in my entire life!"
"Bella, please, just listen to me first, okay?"
"I'm not letting him into my fucking head! Are you crazy? You chose him out of everyone? He's the worst!"
"I told you," Alice chuckled, but we both ignored her.
Rosalie stood up. "Just listen to me, hon. It was Emmett's idea-"
"Of course," I muttered.
"And I didn't like it at first because I know you don't like Edward. But you don't like any psychiatrist. And while you may not have the best relationship with him, it still isn't as bad as it could be from what I've heard," she said, and I had to admit it was true. Did I hate him? Yes. But we could still hold a conversation without me running away from him. "And you know him as our friend. You know about his personal life, that he has a wife, a daughter, that he is moving back to Seattle from Chicago… you know he is just like us and that he has his own problems."
"Does he?" I asked sarcastically. "Self-absorbed jerk. He's just like everyone else."
"Bella, Jesus, listen to me. Em and me, we both think he could help you. He is one of the best in the States and he has taken a real interest in your case."
"WHAT?!" I think my eyes just fell out. "HE'S SEEN MY FILE?!"
"No!" she said quickly. "Of course not! But Emmett talked to him and when he suggested that you to be his first patient, Edward was all for it. It seems like he really wants to help you."
"Oh, so he's just running after patients now? Yeah, his intentions are completely altruistic, I see."
"Christ, Bella, do you listen to yourself? We both think he can be the one to help you. He has loads of experience with serious depression, he is perfect for it."
"Please, don't tell me that shit. How old is he? Thirty? He's probably like that little intern who assessed me yesterday. What experience can he have?"
"He's thirty-five," said Alice apathetically.
"What?!"
"Bella, it doesn't matter how old he is. What matters is that he might be able to help you," Rosalie said.
"And isn't the whole I-know-him-personally and he-knows-me-personally thing a little unorthodox? Isn't that a conflict of interest? I hate him, Rose. I really do. And I am fairly sure he doesn't like me either. Doesn't that put us in a rather complicated position? How can he stay impartial?"
"He is a professional! He knows how to do his job and if he believes that he is able to help you, I have no doubt he would be able to separate his feelings from his job."
"You talk about him as if he is some sort of god."
"He did save your life!"
"That doesn't mean he deserves any special treatment from me!" I shouted now. "It's not like I wanted to be saved! But Alice and you both see him as one hell of a hero, don't you?!"
"It is a fucking suggestion, Bella! It's either Edward or some other doctor who I am sure you won't be less opposed to than him. And I advise you to think about it, because I really think he will be good for you. I know, and I believe that some of your experiences with previous psychiatrists might not have been great, but you have to start somewhere! You can't deny the fact that Edward is good at what he does. He is a very rational human being and he would never see more into your diagnosis than there really is. Besides, the trust is built, you cannot rush it! Especially in your position. So, stop whining and make a decision, because the last thing I want is for you to lose your job and fall into this dipshit even more! It hurts like hell when we see you like that!" she shouted, her voice breaking. "We're all on your side, so give yourself a fucking chance for once. He is a good shot. Think about it."
And with that, she kissed both Alice and me roughly on the cheek, grabbed her purse and left Alice's apartment. I felt my heart loudly beating in my chest and was on the verge of crying. It was so quiet that I heard Alice sipping her cosmo.
"Well, that was interesting," she said.
I turned to her, my hands shaky. My left one was practically useless, the right one was still bandaged, and I was supposed to go to the hospital every day for re-binding of the wound. Today it was Alice who went with me. Then we went to her place where Rose had joined us, bringing dinner. It would have been quite a pleasant evening had she not started that whole Newton-school-firing-shrink-Edward crap.
Ultimatum… fucking blackmailing.
"Alice, why are you drinking tonight?"
"Because, my Bella, tonight I need it."
I didn't ask why. "You think it's a bullshit, too, don't you? The whole Edward thing."
"No," she shook her head. "No, I don't."
I squinted my eyes at her. Her attention belonged to her cosmo only, but she seemed like she was listening to me. "But you just said…"
"That I don't want to be involved. Not that I think it's bullshit."
I sighed desperately. "I don't get it, Alice."
Then, she slowly looked at me from behind her glass, her eyes glassy from the consumption of alcohol, but still inexplicably clear with wisdom. And they were looking directly into mine. "You don't. And for quite some time you won't. Hell, I'm not sure if I get it. But you," she pointed a finger at my chest, "are going to change him. And he is going to change you. BOOM!" she threw her arms wide, spilling red cocktail in the floor. "It will be a huge thing, Bella. Massive. It will be like two stars colliding, changing the space around them, the constellations, planets, everything. But it will be disastrous, too. Because coming out of the collision, none of you will be the same."
I was staring at her in, silent horror on my face. While I had no freakin' idea what she was talking about, her words sent shivers down my spine and I couldn't mock her for her pathetic outburst.
"But you both need it," she continued. "You both need to fall in order to rise."
A/N Anyone? Any thoughts?