I Never Asked to be Like This

Rated: T

The stroke of midnight had always been an auspicious time of night for Raven. Her demon heritage could, perhaps, be blamed for attuning her to such superstitions, but it wasn't the paranormal that would be keeping her up so late these days.

Instead, she was greeted by a different sort of demon — one that was not her own, and most certainly one she'd least expected.

Beast Boy was tossing and turning next to her, the nightmares working him into a cold sweat, like they always did. Raven had been a light sleeper throughout most of her life, and even the subtlest shift in the sheets were enough to rouse her. At first, she'd thought them just dreams, and she did what any abiding, caring girlfriend would do for her rattled boyfriend — soothe him out of it.

She'd hold his head to her chest, and run her fingers through his hair, cooing into his ear as he rode out the night terror. He'd moan and fight against her touch, but his actions were weak — not up to his full strength when he struggled between the world of the living and the land of dreams. His skin was warm and clammy to the touch, and he'd shiver even beneath the thick comforter overtop, snuggling into her for warmth. Raven would watch the way his face contorted, grimacing, and she found herself feeling so utterly helpless.

By the time Beast Boy would wake up, he'd remain silent and still, too ashamed to even look her in the eye, let alone discuss what it was that had him so troubled when he slept.

Raven knew better than to pry; sensitive subjects were often best broached by a willing individual, and so, she would not press so long as he did not wish to engage in the conversation.

Nonetheless, she worried for him.

It didn't happen every night, but on the nights that he was indeed plagued by disturbed thoughts, she went through the motions with him, like clockwork, feeling more and more awful that there was nothing else she could do for him.

Until, that is, when an opportunity finally presented itself.

It had never been unusual for Beast Boy to sleep in, especially on the day following a particular nasty night terror. Often, Raven would busy herself until he did. She meditated, read a book, made tea, tidied up where she could, and even indulged in some required errands. Usually, by noon, she'd find him meandering about the apartment, rubbing the sleep from his half-lidded eyes, and pouring himself a bowl of cereal while still in his pajama pants.

So, Raven would wait, leaving him to rest for as long as he needed.

Until noon came and went without a single, floorboard creak echoing from beyond the closed bedroom doors.

By the time it was well into the afternoon, Raven had had enough, and impatiently closed her book, unable to focus on the story while her mind was obviously preoccupied elsewhere. Frustrated, she placed the old tome on the glass coffee table, and decided to brave the corridor leading to their sleeping quarters, determination setting her brow. Carefully, she turned the doorknob, not knowing what she would find waiting for her on the opposite side.

The curtains were still drawn, as she'd left them when she'd awoken at the crack of dawn, and the sun's rays were therefore hindered in lighting the room, casting an eerie, midday darkness all around the floor and walls through the canvas-like fabric. She found him sitting up in bed, knees drawn to his chest and his jaw cradled in the palms of his hands, staring off into the blankness of the white, linen sheets as if they held the answers to life's greatest question. Beast Boy did not appear to move, even at her subtle entrance. Raven stepped inside gingerly, on her tiptoes, as if afraid to disturb him despite knowing that she couldn't. She closed the door behind her and padded towards the edge of the bed, where she sat down next to him, observing with concern in her dark gaze.

The mattress shifted with her added weight, but Beast Boy continued to pay her no mind, as if she were a but a ghost, visiting. There were dark circles under his eyes, and the typically vibrant green of his skin seemed somewhat paler. There was a haunting gauntness to his expression, and it was almost like he was no longer there with her, lost in the world of dreams with eyes wide open — still glazed and paralyzed by a deep, bone-chilling fear. Raven thought he didn't look much different than a cowering, frightened animal, and the red in his eyes told her that he'd been crying.

Something within her ached, and she reached out for him with tentative fingers. "Gar?" she called his name, softly, hoping it would bring him back to her.

His eyes flickered in her direction, and he breathed in a bit of life. Beast Boy hugged his knees tighter, and tried to force a smile, for her sake. His lips were dry and chapped, and the smile barely reached anything more than a twitch of his mouth. Raven's hand found his, worry for his well-being consuming her. She squeezed his fingers — unusually cold in her grip. "Gar, what is it?" she probed, desperate.

Beast Boy returned his gaze to his lap, and appeared to be thinking, licking his lips in preparation for an answer. "I'm sorry," he choked out, after a brief pause.

Raven shook her head, shimmying closer to him on the bed. "Sorry? Sorry for what?"

A bit of his self-deprecating humor returned as he chuckled coldly. "For this. For seeing me…like this. For having to put up with me…" He shook his head, and she could see the way tears burned behind his eyes, forcing him to squeeze them shut, like he was experiencing an excruciating, unimaginable pain. "You…you deserve better than me, you always have," he spoke, his voice throttled by the tears he refused to shed.

Raven's free hand found the side of his face, and she wiped tenderly at the wetness staining his cheeks. "Garfield, why are you saying this? Why do you even think that?"

Her empathy could not be helped — his sadness infected her, making her own eyes water, and her own throat constrict with the emotions he could not keep back. Beast Boy was shaking, all the muscles of his body working against his unrelenting urge to break down entirely. Raven embraced him, burying her head in the crook of his neck, her nose burning and searing hot tears rolling down her cheeks freely now. "Gar, please, please let me help you," she urged, rubbing his back and holding him close. Although she uttered the words, she was uncertain if there was anything she could do for him — but felt as if she'd turn the world around if he'd merely ask it of her.

Never in her life had she felt so much anguish — so much misery and self-hatred. She wanted to absolve him, but these were wounds so deep, not even her powers could hope to heal. These wounds were self-inflicted, and yet again, she felt helpless in her plight.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Rae." He repeated it like a mantra into her hair, shuddering beneath her touch but holding onto her like she was the last lifeline he had, keeping him afloat in a violent, frothing, stormy sea of his own making.

They stayed that way for some time, with Raven hushing him gently and sharing in his guilt-ridden pain, all the while he fell into her warmth, too embarrassed to show her his tear streaked face, and allowing them instead to soak through her clothes to her breast. She lost track of time, but eventually, the shuddering slowed and seized, until his breathing returned to normal, soft in the heat of the bubble they'd created.

When he did have the courage to move, she heard him sniffle, and wipe at his runny nose and eyes. Having gently pushed away from her, the cold air of the room chilled the wet stain his tears had left on her clothes. Raven wiped below her eyes, but her bottom lip still quivered from the after effects of the powerful, emotional wave that had hit her like a tsunami.

"How do you do it?" she whispered, her voice thick and more gravelly than usual. "How do you burden yourself with all of that inside?" She used a finger to point to the spot on his chest where his heart was.

Beast Boy wiped at the bits of dark green hair stuck to the sweat about his face. "I ask myself that question a lot sometimes, too. But usually, good distractions and bad jokes help keep me from losing my mind," he confessed dully.

Then, with a smile, he leaned over and pressed his forehead to hers. "Except, now I have you, too."

Raven felt something different from him now — a bubble of endearment, so distinguished in its chemistry from the emotions before, it nearly took her by surprise. "How? I…I barely did anything for you…I can't heal you."

Tears brimmed in her eyes again, and she wasn't entirely sure if it was because of Beast Boy's feelings, or her own this time. "I can't do anything for you, I've never felt so…useless," she moaned, her voice cracking at the end of her statement.

"Rae, you've done more than you could ever know." He clasped her hands in his, and brought them to his lips. "Just being here with me, being you. It's enough. It's more than enough. Even when it gets bad — like today — you…you make it so much easier to weather. For a moment, I'm reminded I do have something good, something worth fighting for; another day, with you."

He smiled, genuine this time, and she couldn't help but do the same, even through the wet haze of her vision. "Will you ever tell me what you dream about?" she asked, cocking her head to the side, and glancing shyly down at the sheets about her bare feet.

"Mistakes," he told her freely, his tone void of emotion. "My mistakes, the people I've let down…The people I've lost because I wasn't good enough, fast enough, smart enough to stop it."

His eyes were downcast when he spoke, and he took in a deep, shuddering breath through his mouth before continuing. "I dream about their ghosts, telling me how alone I'll always be, how I don't deserve to live for what I've done. How everyone can't stand me or my awful jokes, and how useless I am to my friends."

"None of that is true, Garfield. None of it, and they'd never blame you. It wasn't your fault," Raven reassured him, knowing full well how weak her words were.

Nonetheless, he smiled at her, appreciative of her efforts. "I know they wouldn't, but my guilt is something I just have to carry with me, Rae. I don't expect you — or anyone else for that matter - to fix it, and that's okay."

"I know it might not mean as much right now," she replied, her expression softening, "but I love you, Garfield Logan. I love you so much."

This time, his grin reached his eyes, and a familiar shine returned to them, life sparking in his otherwise tired, battle-worn features. "It means everything, Rae."

He kissed her then, long and deep and passionate, his hand cupping her face when she leaned into his touch, and unfiltered joy, love and calm slowly pervaded the atmosphere around them…

FIN