A small warning for this chapter: bad memories lead to a disturbing dream for Olivia. This episode in her life won't become a theme in this story, it is just an introduction to the chapter after this one.

...

39. Trigger

Olivia looked around her apartment. Noah was finally asleep after his long day. Having had an extra nap with Elliot, he'd kept her busy well into the evening but now, at 10 pm, Olivia was finally alone with her thoughts. So much had happened in just one day. Seeing George Huang again, Noah calling Elliot daddy in a way, her confrontation with Kathy and Elliot's questions about what had 'happened' to her.

She dreaded going back to the hospital the next day to see his reaction to what he'd found on the internet about Lewis. She knew that the old, angry, overprotective detective was still in there somewhere. She'd seen a part of him as soon as he'd realized that someone had hurt her. But he had to know.

She wondered why Elliot hadn't gone online before to try and find out more about himself. He was still a detective, wasn't he? She would have to ask him about that. But for now, she was wondering what would be the best arrangement for all of them once Elliot came to stay with her and Noah. Noah would keep his own room, naturally. There was no need to change his entire routine. Having Elliot here would be enough of an adjustment for her baby. Elliot should take the bedroom, she decided. He'd need to rest a lot so he should have a room that they could close, the bathroom close by and a proper bed. She slept on the couch a lot as it was, and would most likely be the last one to go to sleep for a while. She expected Elliot to make some objections, but she was sure she would be able to convince him that it was the most logical arrangement.

She tried not to think about sharing the bed with Elliot at all for now. She knew they were both feeling the pull between them, which was as much physical as it was emotional. But now wasn't the time to explore that part of their budding relationship, she decided. Not while Elliot was still incapacitated. So she tried not to think about it at all. She distracted herself by replaying her conversation with Kathy in her head. She thought she'd been very dignified, right up until the end, when Kathy had insulted her and Noah. Kathy had stopped talking a few times, not finishing her sentences. And while Olivia had an idea about what she hadn't said, she had hoped Kathy would admit it out loud. That she'd known about Elliot's feelings for his partner, and that that had been the reason to keep the entire squad away. Maybe Kathy had even known that Elliot was going to see her on the night of his birthday four years ago.

Their lives could have been so different. Should have been so different. Elliot getting mugged and losing his memory wasn't something that could be blamed on Kathy or anyone else. But if she had involved Elliot's former co-workers, he could have been on the mend years ago. He wouldn't even be in the hospital now. Maybe Olivia wouldn't even have had flashbacks like the one she'd had when she ran that red light, because things would have gone differently with Lewis. Maybe ...

Olivia sighed. It was done. This was how it had all played out and what they would have to deal with. She smiled when she thought of Elliot's sweet gesture with her hair, and the look in his eyes. The look of recognition, that was reserved for her only so far. She would try not to waste too much energy on regrets and what-ifs but to look at what they did have. Their unbreakable connection. Elliot recognizing her. Remembering things about her and not even about his own children. She tried not to feel guilty about that. It wasn't her doing. She could only hope that one memory would lead to another, and that he'd start remembering his family and friends too in the long run.

Olivia sat down on the couch, a glass of red in her hand. Just one glass to relax, and then she'd be off to bed. They hadn't really set a time when she'd be back at the hospital, but she knew she needed to go back, because Elliot would have read about her and Lewis on her iPad. They would need to talk about that. She decided to send Lucy a text, asking if she was available to take Noah off her hands for a while. Tomorrow was Sunday, and she hoped the nanny wouldn't be studying. Just before Olivia decided to turn in, she received Lucy's reply. She would be there the next morning at 10.

...

Fear grips her but she tries not to show it. She is nauseous but she had to come. For the girl. She knows she is basically surrendering to Lewis and just the sight of him makes her stomach flip. It's all still too fresh and she has hardly begun to heal from their first confrontation. The fear is almost paralyzing. She has to try and get him to release the girl but what will he demand in exchange? She knows what he wants. She'll never be ready to give it to him. Yet here she is, going into the granary with him willingly. And he is taunting her.

"You seeing a therapist? Please promise me you'll do that. He probably sits there with you and tells you that you're working through it, right? "You can be whole again, Olivia." Well, he's lying. What I do, and I've seen this in the victim impact statements, nobody ever recovers from it."

Now they're upstairs and she sees his hostage. Only it isn't Amelia, it's Elliot. She is tied up, her legs duct-taped to the table. Her eyes are wide as she stares at her enemy. The triumphant grin on his face and the wild look in his eyes that haunts her day and night. Lewis is going to rape her and will make Elliot watch. Elliot won't look at her and Olivia refuses to cry. It upsets Lewis that they won't do as he says. He wants Elliot to watch and he wants Olivia to cry and resist but they both refuse to do what he says.

Then, the game is on. Russian Roulette. Only Lewis doesn't put the gun against his own temple. He puts it against Elliot's. She wants to object. Explain to him how he can't make her choose between her own life or Elliot's. That's not how the game works. But she can't speak. She knows her mouth isn't taped shut but she can't speak nonetheless.

The first two chambers are empty. Olivia is shaking. Lewis puts the gun against Elliot's head again and squeezed the trigger. She knows, even before Elliot's body goes limp. He is dead.

...

Olivia woke up screaming Elliot's name and clutching her chest. It took several minutes for her to realize it wasn't real and she was safe in her own bed and Elliot was still alive. She switched on all the lights in her bedroom and then wandered into the living room, switching on all the lights there too while trying to focus on her breathing. Her heart was still beating fast and her hands were shaking. She'd never had a nightmare like this, and she didn't know which was worse: the ones where Lewis actually raped her, or this one. Seeing him kill Elliot. She poured herself a glass of wine, her hands still shaking, and switched on the television. It was only 3 am but she knew she wouldn't be getting any more sleep tonight.

...

How will Elliot react when he finds out about Lewis and how will Olivia when they talk about it?