Friendly reminder: I am no amnesia expert. I am writing this as it suits my story. Enjoy!

...

40. Torn

Olivia was met in the hallway by a nurse exiting Elliot's room, and she could tell that there were still people in the room with him.

"What's going on?" she asked the nurse.

She'd already been a little tense on her way to the hospital, not knowing in what state she would find Elliot, but hospital personnel in his room was never a good sign.

"Mr Stabler has had a bad night, I'm afraid. We had to sedate him. The sedative is wearing off now and the doctor is with him to monitor personally how Mr Stabler wakes up," the nurse explained. "Our amnesia specialist Dr Herman is there too."

Olivia felt a little guilty because she hadn't prepared Elliot at all for what he would find out. But it was her trauma, not his, although she knew he'd go into protective partner mode immediately. He'd beat himself up for not being there for her.

"Why did they sedate him?" Olivia asked, wondering what they would consider a 'bad night' by hospital standards.

"His headaches were becoming unbearable. The doctor thinks something triggered more memories for Mr Stabler," the nurse replied. "That is why he asked doctor Herman to come today. There is a visitor with him as well by the way. He demanded to be present, claiming he was Mr Stabler's boss?"

"Donald Cragen?" Olivia asked, and the nurse confirmed that the visitor was named Cragen.

"He said he is Mr Stabler's Captain at the NYPD."

"He was," Olivia said, glancing at the door behind the nurse. "Can I go in now?"

The nurse stepped out of the way and Olivia pushed the door open, uncertain of how she would find Elliot today and wondering what memories could have been triggered during the night.

Elliot seemed to be waking up just now, and the amnesia specialist was talking to him calmly on his right side, while Cragen stood on Elliot's left side and Elliot's regular doctor stood at the foot of the bed. Elliot was hooked up to a monitor that hadn't been there before. When Cragen spotted her, he stepped aside and told Elliot,

"Olivia is here. She's safe and well. Look."

Their former boss beckoned Olivia to come closer, and Dr Herman just watched the three of them interact.

Elliot fixed his eyes on her form and she could tell that his vision was blurry. He frowned and blinked a few times, and then she saw it. It was unmistakable. That intense look that was so Elliot, a conflicting mixture of sadness, rage, powerlessness and forceful determination. If he hadn't been in a hospital bed and weakened by drugs, he might actually be a little intimidating to some. Not to her though. She'd never been afraid of him.

Olivia came closer and didn't look away, drinking in Elliot's intensity and probing his eyes to find out what had caused it. Cragen put a hand on her shoulder and Elliot and Olivia's hands reached for each other simultaneously. The monitor indicated that Elliot's heart rate was going up considerably, and Elliot's next words stunned all the people in the room, including himself.

"I remember."

...

Dr Herman had sat down and grabbed a pen, asking Elliot if he could please elaborate on what he remembered exactly. But Elliot didn't even look at the man. His eyes were still glued to Olivia's face.

"What do you remember El?" Olivia asked him softly, almost whispering.

"You. You and me. Us. All of it."

Elliot had spoken fast and his voice was shaky but the look in his eyes was focused now. Olivia felt faint and was glad Cragen's hand was still on her shoulder.

"You remember everything?" she asked, surprised that she could even find her voice.

Elliot shook his head and then winced. His head must still hurt considerably. He took a deep breath and breathed out slowly before attempting to speak again. Olivia rubbed the back of his hand with her thumb gently. They were both trembling and confused but still very much connected.

"Not everything," Elliot said after a few seconds. "I remember us. Everything and everyone around us is still a blur, like they're standing just outside my line of sight, but in my peripheral vision."

"My God," Olivia sighed.

She needed to sit and leaned against the bed to keep her balance.

"Mr Stabler," Dr Herman interrupted. "Could you please tell me a little bit more about what you said, that you remember people as if they are in your peripheral vision?"

The man sounded excited, and Elliot was no doubt a very interesting study object for him. But Elliot wasn't really interested in talking to the doctor.

"I need to talk to Liv," he told the doctors. "Alone."

Olivia glanced at Cragen, who squeezed her shoulder and gave her a look of understanding.

"That's fine son, I'll get everyone out of here," Cragen told Elliot. "Is it okay if I come back in a little while?"

Elliot looked at the older man, studying his face for a moment.

"Please do," he said then. "I have a lot of questions for you."

"Mr Stabler," his doctor piped up. "How is your headache? I need to monitor you for a while."

"It's ... it's bearable now. Liv will get you at once if it gets worse, okay?"

Olivia nodded, hoping the doctor would go along with it. She was confused and didn't know what to feel, and they needed to talk in private. She was only just getting used to the new, unfiltered Elliot, and now he suddenly remembered their entire history. And they had just admitted their feelings for each other. Things had changed between them and there was no going back. But how were they going to go forward now? She discovered that she had actually found comfort in the fact that Elliot didn't remember their history. It gave them a chance to start with a clean slate. A chance to un-complicate them. But now, he remembered. What would that change between them?

The doctors retreated reluctantly and Cragen gave both of his former detectives an encouraging nod before closing the door. Olivia turned to face Elliot, not sure what he was going to say next. Elliot tugged at her hand and she took her place next to him on the edge of the bed, where she had sat every day for the past few days. When she lifted her eyes to meet Elliot's, she could see that he was feeling as lost as she was. They both spoke simultaneously, saying each other's name.

"Liv ..."

"El ..."

They smiled and Olivia looked down at their hands in her lap.

"When I read about what had happened to you," Elliot started, and she could hear and feel the emotion oozing from him in his voice, "I felt like I was being ripped in half."

Olivia bit her lip and kept looking down at their hands. She didn't want to think about Lewis but she knew this conversation was inevitable. But the fact that Elliot had regained all of his memories about their life together was so much at the forefront of her mind right now, that it was actually less disturbing than she'd thought to have some of her trauma thrown into the mix. She was eager to learn more about all the things he remembered, and wanted to know if he recognized his ex-wife and children now, too.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly, acknowledging that it must have been difficult for Elliot to read about her abduction by a sadistic, torturing, murdering rapist.

"But that feeling ... being that torn, it ... it was like that opened up a whole world of similar feelings. And then suddenly, all these memories came tumbling in, as if someone was tossing them all in a huge funnel on top of my head and I couldn't process them all at once. But Liv,"

Elliot squeezed her hands and she finally looked up at him again.

"They were all memories of me and you, and how torn I was about my feelings for you."

...

I know this talk is far from over, but I wanted to get this out to you today. Reviews make me happy as always. More soon.

(PS. I have a small poll about the POV of the story over on twitter, I'm OEB01231964 there.)