DISCLAIMER: Stephenie Meyer owns the characters. I like to think I own the storyline :)

Hola, everyone! Thank you for all your reviews. It was emotional, wasn't it? Don't worry, the turning point is behind us, now let's take a look where we go from there.

EdwardsFirstKiss, thank you for your help even though I know you're very busy these days.

Enjoy. R.

19. Evanescence – Bring Me To Life

CHAPTER 18

This Was the Beginning

"How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down, into my core
Where I've become so numb, without a soul
My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there, and lead it, back, home."

"Wake me up inside
Wake me up inside
Call my name and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I've become."

"Bring me to life
I've been livin' a lie
Bring me to life."

Saturday, March 30, 2013 (the morning after)

I woke up to a bright light that was shining in my face from an odd angle. It was unusual, the sun rarely found its way through the grey Seattle clouds, let alone into my room. I stretched my body, feeling a sweet rest and turned on the other side. I closed my eyes to nap for a bit more, thinking I hadn't slept this well in months. I wondered what I had done last night that had put me into such a dreamless deep sleep…

My eyes snapped open the moment last night replayed behind my eyelids. Crying. Mirror. Scissors. Edward. Bed. Moon. Talking… long, long talking. Crying again. Holding. Edward. Edward. Edward. Where was he? Didn't he stay? I thought he had stayed. I quickly sat up and looked around, squeezing my eyes because of the sharp morning light. When my eyes adjusted enough, I noticed a piece of paper folded beside me. I reached for it immediately and opened it, seeing the neat handwriting.

Good morning. I'm sorry, but I had to go. Call me when you wake up. E.

And underneath the message, there was a P.S. Breakfast is on the stove. Please, eat.

I frowned. Please, eat… Who was he? My mother? I shook my head and let go of the note, letting it fall back into the sheets just as I let myself fall back, burying myself deep under the covers. I mentally went through what had happened yesterday. We had fought in Edward's office. Then I went home and had a mental breakdown. Oh my god… My mouth dried up the moment the memories emerged from the confines of my – only a second ago ignorant – mind. What had I done? What did he think of me now? Such an embarrassment… And what had I been thinking – telling him everything? Now he surely must have thought I was a crazy, horrible, despicable woman. A whore. Oh, god, Bella… And he stayed with me only to make sure I wouldn't hurt myself… Out of pity. Of course. Crap. Holy crap.

"Fuck," I moaned and buried my face into my pillows. I could never face him ever again.

Briing. Briiing.

Phone. It was my phone. It was ringing in my bag. I sat up again and looked down to where the sound was coming from. My eyes almost fell out when I noticed the mess on the floor. My hair was everywhere. Only then I remembered… I had cut my hair off. Yesterday, I had cut my hair off. I reached with my right hand up towards my face and yes, it was true. There was no hair… I mean, there was, but I had short hair now, ending at my chin… What have you done, Bella?

I swallowed a lump in my throat. The phone kept ringing, and I tried to get myself out of bed as well as out of the desperate confusion I was in, tripping over the sheets that must have fallen on the floor, falling on my knees. Cursing, I got up and got to my bag, fishing out the ringing monster. It was Edward. Crap. It was Edward! I threw the phone on the bed and ran away from the bedroom as if the phone could answer the call itself as long as I stared at it long enough. I stopped in the kitchen and reached for the cabinet, wanting to pour myself a glass of water.

I felt so weird. I felt utterly embarrassed, confused and… light. Was that the right word? But I didn't know why. I mean, yesterday had been a nightmare, so why today did I felt like… like something that had been in my way was suddenly gone? This was surreal! This didn't feel normal at all, at least not my kind of normal. I felt like… the weight that was bothering me yesterday unexpectedly lifted off of my chest and allowed me to breathe more freely. Like the things I had always seen as if they were bringing me the biggest pain, were not so… painful anymore. Why was that? What had I done differently?

Was it the result of the talk I'd had with Edward? Was it because I had gotten that shit out of my system? Could it really be that? I had never talked about it. Never. Even when I had been going through it all, I had never admitted any of that out loud. At that time, I hadn't even realized how serious it was and how it was affecting me. Was talking about what had happened ten years ago the key to easing my pain? Could it really be that simple? Talking about pain to… get rid of pain? It seemed unrealistic to me. Ridiculous even. I never believed that this shit would help. And if it was true why did I talk to Edward about it? Why couldn't I talk to Alice or Rosalie if that was all that I had needed to do? Why couldn't I open up to them? Why did it bother me so much when they wanted to talk about it? I mean, wouldn't there be a better option? Edward was a shrink for god's sakes, the last person I should want to talk about it with. He was my enemy, my nemesis. The man that knew where and how to strike. But… I know that something about him seeing me in pain and feeling like he could understand was the reason why I spoke up in the first place. For a while there, I genuinely believed he knew. He was repeating that all night – I know. But did he? How could he possibly know? Look at him, look at his perfect life, at his perfect father… He couldn't possibly comprehend what it feels like to be openly rejected by one of your parents. He couldn't possibly understand the pain of that. What if it was one of his mind games? What if they teach shrinks what to say and what to do to make a patient open up? Oh no. What if I had given up at last? What if I had given him what he really wanted from me all this time? He had pretended to be nice and supportive yesterday, being simply Edward and not Dr. Psycho, sitting on my bed, in my sheets, on my pillow, not in his office, but in my bed so comfortable and relaxed… Had this been his agenda all along? And how the hell had he gotten into my apartment in the first place? Had I really been so shattered that I hadn't been able to question it last night? How could he do that to me? How could he pretend like that? I had trusted him! But…

But there was something. The connection, the look in his eyes - he couldn't have possibly faked that! I had seen it, he was about to cry any minute while I was talking. Why was he an emotionless Dr. Psycho one day… and then turned into Edward who was rude and sarcastic and downright weird sometimes? But there was another Edward. The Edward I had met at the hospital that night and who had driven me home. The Edward that joked and smiled and laughed with a spark in his eyes that had made him look boyish and mischievous. The Edward who talked about his daughter and the stars. The Edward who had reached out to me without hesitation when I was about to sink again. The Edward who I thought I had had some weird connection with that had made me talk about something I had never told anyone. The Edward who made me believe that he could understand.

He said I was confusing to him. Well, guess what? He confused me just as much.

When I had swallowed two glasses of ice cold water, I noticed a plate on the stove, covered with aluminum foil. I slowly approached it and uncovered the plate, seeing a mountain of freshly made pancakes, still quite warm. Talk about confusing… Why would Edward bother with making me breakfast? Beside the plate I noticed a bottle of maple syrup, fried bacon, whipped cream, and fresh blueberries… Where the hell did he get fresh blueberries? I certainly did not have them in my fridge.

I took a plate from the dishwasher. I wasn't even hungry, but he had made an effort and it was kind of sweet… please pretend I didn't say that. I put one pancake on the plate and topped it with a bit of maple syrup, whipped cream, blueberries and dug in. It was… awful. Mediocre at best, but I took a few more bites. No… it was good. Very tasty actually, so I finished the pancake. Hmm… Yummy. Delicious? Mouthwatering? I huffed in frustration as I put two more pancakes on my plate, topping them with more cream, syrup and blueberries. Where did he learn to cook like this? After three pancakes, I had another one because… you know, it wasn't like they were that good… I lied. It was just that he had made so many and it would be such a waste to throw them away. Besides, suddenly, out of nowhere, I just realized I was hungry.

After I was done, my belly was so full that I thought I wouldn't be able to move. I went into the bedroom, avoiding my phone, afraid it would start ringing again and entered the bathroom. When I noticed my reflection in the mirror, I almost threw up everything I had just eaten. My hair was… it was horrible. How could Edward keep looking at me yesterday and not laugh? Or cry? What had I done?

To this day I have no logical explanation as to why I cut my hair. I guess I didn't know what to do with the scissors and the hair reminded me of who I was and didn't want to be anymore. So, I just cut it off.

I sighed loudly and moaned, the sound echoing around me. I removed my clothes and took a quick shower, not even touching the spiky mess on my head, thinking that I had to call Alice and ask her to arrange an emergency hairdresser appointment as soon as possible. You know, she had connections. After I was done, I brushed my teeth, went into the bedroom and reached for my phone. I had three missed calls - one from Edward and two from Alice. Well… just the person I needed.

"Alice?" I asked when she picked up the phone.

"Bella? God, do you have any idea how freaked out I am?"

I frowned. "What are you talking about?"

"I just got off the phone with Edward. Are you alright?"

I was confused. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Alice, what's going on?" I asked and because I was paranoid, suddenly a thought occurred to me… what if Edward had told Alice everything?

"I am not sure myself, that's why I'm asking."

"Yeah…?" I said. "I'm fine. What did he say?"

She huffed. "Nothing. I give him my key and he doesn't call? What am I? A charity? I need something back in return. I am your friend! I deserve to know what happened! Spill it!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa…" I said, processing what she just said. "You gave him your key?" So, that's how he got into my apartment yesterday. Alice had a spare key to my apartment. After I had come back home from the hospital I had to have my door repaired because they had basically barged into my apartment the night of Rosalie's dinner. When I had asked her why she didn't use her key, she said she hadn't had it with her. Well… fair enough. It wasn't like I wanted them to get into my apartment at all at that time, but it cost me three hundred dollars to have the door fixed… Money I would never get back. Alice and Rose offered to repay me, but I couldn't possibly accept their money.

"Yeah. He told me you had left his office a bit… discomposed yesterday and he wanted to make sure you were alright. He just didn't know if you would open the door for him. He scared me; he said you were crying."

"Discomposed?"

"Don't deflect!"

I cleared my throat, rolling my eyes. "I might have been."

"God, Bella. I felt like I haven't been able to relax until he messaged me that you were okay. But it was all I got. A message!"

"A message when? I don't understand; Alice, explain everything to me in a chronological order. Please?"

She groaned in exasperation. "So. Yesterday, he called me that you had stormed out of his office being pretty distressed. He came over and I gave him my key, so he could make sure that you were okay. He looked genuinely panicked, and he frightened the shit out of me. I wanted to go with him, but he said he had to talk to you alone because it was between the two of you and that he would give me a call. And I said okay, well, I guess I should mind my own business. But then he didn't call. All he did was he sent me a message shortly before midnight saying that you were fine. And this morning, he finally picked up his stupid phone and calmly told me that you were perfectly fine and sleeping in your bed like a teddy bear! What the fuck happened?"

Jesus. What a mess. "Nothing. I was a little… hmm… angry yesterday, but we talked a bit and… hmm… I felt better afterwards. And then he went home. After the talk. So, he probably… ahmm… he probably just forgot to call because it was so late, and he just texted you and… hmmm… he called you in the morning…?"

There was silence on the other side and I could hear the wheels in Alice's brain turning as she tried to figure this whole thing out. "Are you okay, Bella?"

"Yeah. I just… slept a lot last night. I'm not used to that."

"He didn't hurt you, did he?"

"What? No, no, no, no, he didn't hurt me… I mean, he helped me, we had a good chat yesterday."

She sighed. "Idiot. He could've called."

I sighed, too. "Don't be angry with him."

"I'm not. He was really nice this morning but didn't tell me anything! It's just that you sound weird, so I thought maybe he lied to me about your being fine."

"No, no… no, he didn't."

"Bella, are you telling me the truth? Because I like Edward - I think he's a decent man - but if he hurt you I am going to turn his face into oatmeal, do you understand? I don't care if he's Jasper's brother or not. If he said something to you that he shouldn't have, I'll make sure Jasper will be the one to beat him up first," she threatened, and I knew Alice well. She wouldn't be afraid to confront Edward about anything.

"Alice! Everything's okay."

"But you sound so weird," she said, and I could detect suspicion in her voice.

I sighed, running a hand over my face. "I'm just… I have a little problem."

"What's up?"

"Ahmm," I cleared my throat. "I might have tried to cut my hair…"

Alice groaned. "Oh, Bella. No."

"Yes. I might need a hairdresser appointment as soon as possible."

"How soon?"

"Today?"

She sighed. "Okay. I'll see what I can do. Is it really that bad?"

I chuckled. "Yeah, it is. It's like… a bad eighties haircut."

She chuckled. "Don't worry. We'll take care of that. I'll give you a call when I know more."

"Thanks, Alice. You're the greatest."

I heard her chuckle. "Finally, a word of appreciation. Sounds nice from you. See ya."

"See ya," I sighed and hung up. Was I really that selfish? Was I really that ungrateful for my friends as Edward had said yesterday?

I didn't call Edward, and he hadn't called back again, either. I cleaned the mess on the floor I had made yesterday, tossed the box with my paintings in the corner of the room and still dressed in my robe, smelling like a strawberry, I plopped down on the sofa and turned on the TV. I switched to Sponge Bob and I must have drifted off to sleep again because I woke up abruptly to the ringing of my phone. I reached for it, still lying on the sofa and seeing Alice's ID, I picked it up. "Hello?"

"So, are you ready for a new haircut?"

"What? Do I have an appointment today?"

She chuckled. "Have you ever doubted my abilities? I can pick you up in ten minutes."

"So soon?"

"What are you waiting for? For that disaster on your head to grow back?"

I smiled. "No. I'll be ready."

"Good. See you soon."

I brushed my eyes with the back of my hand and shook my head. I was really heavy-eyed today. I guess my body was catching up with all those years of not sleeping properly. I put a black turtleneck and jeans on, ignoring how loose they fit on my hips, and tried to brush that dark mess that was my hair now. I felt like I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror and not think about last night.

Alice was true to her word. As punctual as ever, she knocked on my door in exactly ten minutes and when I opened it, her mouth fell open in shock. "Holy mother of Jesus!" she said and then burst out laughing. "What have you done?"

I rolled my eyes. "So, are we going or what?"

She laughed again. "When you said you tried to give yourself a haircut, I thought you tried to trim your ends, not tried to shave your head with scissors."

"Shut up, Alice."

"Okay, okay. Let's go and take care of it," she grabbed me gently. "Bernardo will enjoy this."

I closed the door behind us. "Bernardo?"

"Yes. He's amazing. Such a sweetheart to squeeze you in at the last minute."

"Yeah. Such a sweetheart," I joked sarcastically, but not in a mean way. Alice looked at me with a raised eyebrow and I stopped in my tracks in the middle of the staircase. "What?"

"Nothing. You just… nothing."

"What?"

He shook her head and started walking. "Nothing! Come on! We'll be late."

I rolled my eyes again because it was hard not to when you were around Alice. We arrived at the salon soon thereafter and when Bernardo – a tall tanned guy - saw me, he clasped his hands, loudly exclaiming madonna mia! making Alice crack up so loudly that everyone in the room looked in our direction. I couldn't help but laugh with them because… I didn't know why. I just laughed. My hair did look pretty ridiculous. Bernardo sat me down in a black chair and grabbed his scissors, taking care of my hair quickly. He murmured something in Italian here and there; keeping Alice entertained while she watched us from afar. I had to admit that Bernardo was very skilled because before I knew it, my hair was done. Because I cut it quite short and irregular, he cut it even shorter, leaving it longer on the right side. It looked awful – my hair was almost trimmed into a boy cut all around my head and then there were these long waves on one side - and just when I was about to look at Alice and scream, he flipped the longer portion of hair to the left side where it fell graciously in soft beach waves into my face, revealing the right side where the hair was contrastingly short.

My eyes widened, and I would have never expected that the style would look so… good on me. It looked amazing.

"Wow."

"Bernardo. I. Am. Speechless," said Alice, clapping theatrically, kissing him on the cheek.

"I would-ah recommend-ah a red ombré on this part of-ah hair-ah," he said with a very strong accent, touching my beach waves.

"Hombre? Doesn't that mean a man in Spanish?"

"Silly, Bella," Alice shook her head. "It's a coloring technique where one color is fading into another. And FYI, ombré means shading, and it's French."

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever."

"So, do you want it?"

"What?"

"Do you want it? A red ombré?" she asked.

"What is it going to look like?" I asked, suddenly fearful. I had just gotten my new hair. I wasn't going to spoil it by some red man.

Alice sighed. "Bernardo, do you have any pictures with ombré done?"

"Of course-ah," he said and disappeared only to come back in a few seconds with a digital camera in his hands. He showed us a few pictures with the so called ombré and I must admit… I liked it. I asked Bernardo what shade of red he was planning to use, and he showed me a very subtle shade of red… brown red. Auburn. My hair had a red shade to it naturally, and I liked how he had picked up on that in such a short amount of time. This color of auburn was a little more intense, but I wasn't afraid that it would look bad. Bernardo had proved to me that he knew what he was doing, so I agreed. I was getting an ombré. And it wasn't a man.

We spent two more hours in the salon until my hair was done. Truthfully… it was incredibly well-done. The rich auburn on my locks looked very natural in contrast to my pale skin, gradually fading into my natural hair color. I felt like a new human being. When I pulled out my wallet to pay for this little adventure, Alice stopped me, shaking her head. "My treat."

"But, Alice! It must be expensive."

She winked at me. "Bernardo always gives me a discount."

"Alice, I don't think-"

"Stop it. This time it's on me." And before I could argue further, she had paid for it. We thanked Bernardo again and then got back into Alice's car.

"How much was it?" I asked once we were seated.

"Let it go, Bella," she said. "Don't make yourself feel guilty. If I didn't want to, I wouldn't have paid."

"But, Alice-"

"Stop it. Enough. You can pay for coffee now, okay?"

I smiled, and she started the car. "Okay."

We went for coffee at a nearby department store and I couldn't stop looking at myself in every reflective surface we passed. Alice was laughing so much at me it didn't take long before I was cracking up myself. This day just felt downright weird. Yesterday, I had felt like my life was done. Like I was done. For good. And now? I felt like I could breathe rainbows and unicorns. Okay, so maybe not like that, but my new hairstyle and color were making me feel kind of… empowered? Or maybe it was the pancakes. Not that pancakes made me feel empowered, but maybe Edward had mixed drugs into them as a part of his wicked plan.

"You know, I think you should've changed your hair a long time ago," said Alice on our way home.

"Yeah," I agreed, thinking. "Maybe I should've."

"I really like it."

I smiled. "I like it, too."

She laughed. "Rose is going to love it."

"Are they at her parents' house this weekend?" I asked. She mentioned yesterday at lunch something about that.

"I think so. Emmett wasn't very happy about it."

I chuckled but then frowned, remembering what Edward had said. "Do you know that I made her cry?"

Alice looked at me. "What?"

"On Wednesday," I said with a lump in my throat. "She brought me dinner, but I wasn't well and I… I… Let's just say that I wasn't nice."

"Oh, god, Bella."

"I know."

Alice sighed, lost in thought for a few moments. "You know, Bella... I didn't want to tell you anything because I thought… Why would I put another burden on your shoulders, but…" she sighed. "Rose hasn't taken your suicide attempt very well. I know it might seem like she's okay because she is trying to look okay around you, but…" Alice shook her head. "She's worried, and she wants to help you, but she feels… hopeless. You are pushing her away and… well. Let's just say that it doesn't feel nice. I don't like it either, but I think I understand that it bothers you that we are on your tail constantly. Rose is different. She just wants you to be happy and overlooks little details sometimes. But we love you and you know Rose… She feels like she's not helping if she's not interfering in one way or another."

"I'm not…" pushing anyone away, I was going to say. But I was. I was pushing everyone away.

I felt tears coming. "Alice, I'm sorry."

"Oh, Bella, don't cry. I didn't want to… Shit!"

"It's okay," I said.

"No, it's not. I keep making you cry. I know I might sometimes forget about the seriousness of it all, but it doesn't mean I am not aware of it."

"No, it's just… I didn't want to be such a heartless bitch."

"Bella, you're not heartless. You're going through a shitload of problems. No one expects you to be the most considerate person in the room."

I huffed. "Edward does."

"What?"

"I mean… before he came to my apartment, we had that fight in his office and he might have said something about me being… selfish and ungrateful and just… basically making people miserable."

"What? How could he?"

"No, it's okay, Alice. I know he was right. My depression doesn't excuse my behavior. It is not an excuse for me to hurt other people. I never wanted to do that."

"Bella," Alice moaned, reaching for my hand. "You're not a bitch. I mean, yes you are. You are my bitch."

I laughed. "God, Alice."

"What? Isn't that true?"

"Watch the road."

She laughed, and we left the topic. She dropped me off at my apartment and went home, saying she needed to Skype with Jasper. I laughed at that. Kids… I ran my hand through my amazing new hair and slowly went up the stairs, pulling out the key to my apartment. It was around seven o'clock already and I was glad I was home. I was really sleepy. And hungry… Oh, pancakes. I still had pancakes left.

I put the key into the lock and turned it to the right, only to discover that the door to my apartment was already open. My heart jumped into my throat and I swallowed hard, pushing the door ajar. I walked into the apartment, hundreds of scenarios running through my mind, and in eighty percent of them I ended up dead. When I saw a light coming from my living room I braced myself, certain I was going to face death tonight. Why did my wish have to become true when I least wanted it?

With a heart pounding so loud that I heard it in my ears, I entered the living room, only to see Edward sitting on the sofa, watching Sponge Bob. I cocked my head to the side, completely dumb-struck. It would have been better if it had been a murderer.

"Edward," I said, my voice breathy and full of relief that I wasn't going to die tonight. Or maybe I was – die of embarrassment that is.

He turned his head to me immediately, standing up from the sofa. He was the most casually dressed I had seen him, only wearing a pair of perfectly fitting jeans and a dark green Champion hoodie, his hair a mess. His appearance was very boyish and there was no way this man was thirty-five. He didn't look any more relaxed than me. In fact, he seemed to be quite nervous himself. "Hi, Bella."

"What are you doing here?"

He didn't answer immediately. His eyes found mine and I couldn't entirely understand the look in them. "You didn't call."

I laughed, and it unintentionally came out rather wry. "If you knew me, you would know I don't like to be told what to do."

The corner of his lips twitched up. "Why do you think I don't know that?"

"Because you're telling me you came here because I didn't call. Are you checking up on me?"

"I just want to know why."

"Well, if you had known I don't usually do what people tell me to do, you wouldn't have had to ask."

He raised his brows. "Was that the reason then? You didn't call out of principle?"

No. "Yes."

He eyed me quizzically for a second and then sighed, his shoulders falling down. I hadn't even noticed his tense posture. "I don't believe you."

I clenched my jaw. Were we really getting into this again? "You can believe what you want."

"Look, Bella," he sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I came here to make sure you were alright."

I crossed my hands under my breasts. "Why wouldn't I be?"

During this whole exchange, we never looked away from one another, as if we were in some kind of battle, holding our heads high. "Can we talk?"

I felt my heart quicken, my mouth dry up. There it was. He was here to take me to the mental health hospital, so they could give me electroshock and never allow me to see daylight again. He thought I was crazy. He thought I was psychotic, just like he'd said weeks ago. He thought I was a danger to myself and to the people around me. Christ, in a delirium I had cut my hair off yesterday, almost naked, crying and sobbing like a wounded animal. It was his plan. It had been his plan all along; there was no doubt about that. He had a key to my apartment and that was how he had gotten in here. He was like them. And I had failed. I had failed and given him everything I was trying to protect.

No, I didn't feel light anymore. I felt embarrassed, ashamed and – most of all – frightened. What could he possibly want to talk about?

"Bella?" he asked, bringing my attention back to the room. "Shall we sit down?"

"I'm okay."

"Please," he said, his voice gentle, but I saw apprehension in his eyes. Apprehension and nervousness. Why was he nervous? Was this one of his games, too? Was he trying to make himself look vulnerable?

I nodded slowly, somehow knowing he wouldn't accept no for an answer and he motioned to the sofa behind him. I slowly sat down as far away from him as possible and noticed how he briefly checked the watch on his wrist. "So? What do you want to talk about?"

He looked back into my eyes and finally started. "I came here to make sure that you were okay after what happened yesterday. I want to apologize for not being… more considerate in our last session."

"Forget it," I said, shaking my head as if to shake away the embarrassment.

"No, hear me out," he insisted, his voice strict but not superior. I saw him deep in thought, his eyes roaming all over the room as he was trying to put his thoughts into words. "We didn't hit it off well, and I am incredibly sorry for that. Trust me, Bella, when I say that it was my intention to help you and to find a way to… connect with you. But you…" he sighed, running his hand through his hair again. "You frustrate me, Bella. Every time I feel like I know who you are, you do and say things I least expect you to do or say, pointing me in a different direction. You're like a chameleon sometimes. I find you and then you disappear and… It is so hard to read you. I have never known anyone like you in my life."

"Read me?" I echoed, frowning. What was he getting at?

He smirked, but it wasn't a mischievous kind of smirk. It was rather sad. "I'm very good at what I do, Bella, and that's because I can read people and anticipate their reactions. I can see them for who they are, what they hide and what they don't know themselves. Well, generally speaking. Most of us are predictable – we all have the same kind of brain after all, we operate on the same program. It is what I studied, what I learned about in medical school. But even before that…" he trailed off, his voice growing intense, his eyes reflecting the emotion. "I always somehow could tell who I can trust and who's full of bullshit. It feels sometimes like I can read minds," he said, shaking his head at the nonsense of it. Yeah, it sounded crazy. I always knew shrinks were crazy. "But you, Bella? I have no idea what to make of you. Even after what you told me yesterday, a few things started to make sense, but it still doesn't tell me, doesn't show me who you are and where I should begin searching." At the mention of last night, I looked away.

"I swear, you drove me crazy a few times. You were arrogant, sarcastic, ignorant and outright disrespectful at times. But then…" he stopped talking again, getting frustrated at the thought of me being all those things. "But then I remembered that woman in the hospital months ago who would fight the whole world only to make sure that a little boy was okay. I saw how much you cared for him. I saw how your face changed every time you mentioned him, how there was genuine worry in your face. And… I thought it was admirable. I couldn't understand it - why that boy meant so much to you and why you hated his parents so much. I admit," he said, smiling tentatively, "that Aro Volturi is one of the biggest pricks I have ever met, but…" I laughed when he said that, and he smiled in response as if it was some automatic chain reaction. Then I realized I was crying again at the mention of the things that affected me deeply – like Marcus or his parents. "Your involvement seemed a bit too much at times. And I didn't understand why that was. Not until yesterday."

"Please," I said, shaking my head, not wanting to go there. He was explaining himself. Why? I didn't know. I didn't know where he was going with this.

"Your father hurt you. He betrayed you. He didn't give you the space to be yourself. You were forced to shut down until there was nothing left of you. It only makes sense that you try to give the children in your class the things that parents might sometimes forget. And you know what? While I think that you go beyond being professional and tactful," he smiled softly, "I think it's wonderful. You talk about 'your kids' at school and your face lights up." I nodded because he was so right. So right. "Because Bella… your words of encouragement may one day help them to make the right decision for themselves. You could take your pain and morph it into something bad, you could easily take that negativity from your experiences and not believing that there is another way, you could make those children believe the same. But you're not doing that." I could see there was more to his words, but I knew he wouldn't explain it if I asked.

I touched my wet cheek. "But… But how-"

"How do I know? Marcus. The way he talks about you? For a while there I couldn't believe we were talking about the same person. I couldn't possibly tell him that it wasn't you who saved him. Because in a way, it was." He was silent, and I let the silent tears find their way down my face. "Every time I met you I saw these two personas who just didn't go together and… You made me so angry. And then there was your suicide attempt… At that point, I knew something wasn't right."

I watched his face for a good minute, trying to figure out what was he getting at. And then it clicked. I cleared my throat, wiping my tears away. "So that's it… You became my shrink because you wanted to figure me out!"

"Yes. No. Yes…"He shook his head. "I wasn't thinking that clearly at the time. You needed help. Urgently. And, honestly, at first, I didn't want to have anything to do with you. When Emmett suggested the idea, I knew he was joking. He knew I wasn't your fan. But then it got to my father and… let's just say that I felt like I could help you and that would maybe help me get over that anger, that strong… desire and need to understand you. I wasn't used to not being able to know what I can expect of the people around me."

I stood up, feeling hurt. I pointed a finger at my chest. "I am just a fucking challenge for you!" I didn't matter, I didn't matter… There was no connection. It was just him trying to satisfy his sick need.

He stood up, too, his eyes wide. "No! Bella, please, don't get me wrong, I'm trying to explain things to you."

"Well, you are! And you do it well. You know, you don't have to try anymore, you got what you wanted. You know everything! Now go away!" Was I sobbing again? Oh my god why were we getting into the same shit again?

"I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry. I have never…" he trailed off, his hands in his hair now. "Please, don't cry. I… I don't want to hurt you, please. I admit that my intentions might not have been… honest and entirely selfless but I can't possibly leave you like this."

"Like wha-at? Every-everyone le-leaves. I don't ne-need your fucking pi-pity."

He shook his head vehemently, moving towards me, his hands restless. "It's not pity. I'm not like that. I won't leave. Not me. Bella," he said, and he said it like that again, like he fucking knew what I felt in my chest and in every stupid part of my body. I saw him moving closer to me, his fingers twitching until he fisted his hands, and I was just stepping away from him. "I know what it feels like. And I am so grateful for what you shared with me yesterday. Honestly. I came here to thank you for that. I know how hard it is to process that type of pain, to feel it every day, let alone talk about it. It was courageous, Bella. To talk about it… it's hard. I know. I understand. And I believe you're in pain. But by talking, we let go of the heaviest burden we carry," he said, his voice passionate and intense. "I am a realist, Bella, and I am not going to lie to you. Maybe, that burden is not going to disappear soon or maybe ever. But acknowledging and later even accepting everything that has happened, taking a step away and trying to get over it, is often a way out from the messiest place we find ourselves in."

I wiped my cheeks and hugged myself tightly. He continued. "I know how that feels. Challenge or no challenge, I couldn't possibly give up on you now. Not now that you have made your first step and opened up to me. There are no words to describe the strength inside of you."

Why was he making me cry so hard? Why was he saying these words? And why was he saying them with such a gentleness and honesty as if he truly believed them? Could he really mean it?

"Actually, I want to make a proposition to you. That's also the reason why I came," he said and that made me look at his face. "Sit down, Bella, please. You're shivering."

"I'm o-okay," I mumbled, but I obliged, taking my place on the sofa again. He sat back down, too and took a deep breath.

"I want us to be friends," he said bluntly, and I was so startled that even my tears stopped falling.

"What?"

"I've thought about it a lot, Bella. I tried to stay professional, but that is simply out of the question now. I can't keep myself from getting angry and frustrated around you and… You make me react emotionally. Besides, you don't seem to respond to conventional treatment, anyway. I think we both would benefit from a bit more… personal approach to your therapy sessions."

"Friends?" I couldn't believe he was really suggesting it.

"Yeah," he nodded. "I want you to feel comfortable around me. I want you to trust me. I want you to let go of your pain. I know you can do it. I want you to know what the world without it feels like."

"But you're still a shrink, Edward."

"I don't want you to think of me like that."

It sounded too good to be true. "So… no office?"

He shook his head. "No office."

"No stupid questions?"

"No stupid questions. We'll discuss anything you want. And if you feel like you want to tell me anything, you'll do it when you want to and how you want to."

"No Dr. Cullen?"

He smiled. "No Dr. Cullen."

I nodded. "Okay."

He cocked his head to the side and raised his brows. "Okay?"

I nodded. "Okay."

He smiled at me widely and nodded. "Thank you. I was… I was afraid you'd kick my ass."

"Well, you did basically break into my apartment. I feel like I have a reason to kick your ass."

"Touché."

"So," I started, calming down slowly. "Where would we see each other if not in your office?"

"Anywhere you want. The park, a restaurant, a café… we can meet here if you like."

For some reason I felt guilty. "It feels like a hell of a lot of sacrifices on your side, doc."

He shrugged. "It's a compromise."

I shook my head. "No, it's not. I'm not compromising anything. You're basically letting me have it my way."

He shook his head. "No. If you had things your way, you wouldn't have a psychiatrist in the first place."

I was about to agree but then I shook my head. Just like he said, he knew a bit too much now to forget about him. And I did feel a bit better. Just a little. I might as well use him as long as I have him. "Well, you're not my shrink anymore. You're my friend. I could always use a… friend." He smiled. His smile was truly beautiful. "I'm sorry. For your having to… see me like that. For you… having to change your way of doing things for me."

Something flashed in his eyes, something I did not understand. Then he shook his head, smiling kindly. "I'm perfectly okay with that, Bella. I offered. If I didn't want to, I wouldn't have."

I nodded and there was an awkward silence between us that caused me to look away from him yet once again. We sat there in silence and I noticed my hands trembling slightly in my lap.

"I like your hair," I heard him say out of nowhere, his voice soft and I just probably imagined it, but it sounded like there was a slight change of intonation.

I lifted my head up and smiled tentatively. I had completely forgotten about it. "Thank you. I like it, too."

He mirrored my facial expression, smiling. "It suits you. Truly."

I felt the oddest feeling of warmth spread in my chest, going up my neck, right into my cheeks with the intensity of it I didn't expect. I used to have men tell me I was sexy as hell all the time plus other dirty compliments, but none of them made me feel in a slightest bit as flattered as Edward's humble comment about my new haircut. In the heat of the moment, I wondered what spicier, more intimate compliments and whispers would feel like coming from him, in that deep, velvet voice of his, what would those made me feel like, what kind of moan s would his lips near my ear make me elicit, what-

Married, Bella. M-A-R-R-I-E-D.

Right. That. I had to remember that. Strange… it was so easy to forget sometimes.

I sighed, my stomach growling. "You want to stay for dinner?" I asked, nervous all of a sudden. It was the peace between us now, wasn't it? I could make a celebratory dinner. "I can cook something quick. Well, but not that quick I guess, 'cause my hand is impaired for the time being." I babbled. "Or I can order pizza. Ahmm… Do you like pineapple on your pizza, because I do, and everyone I know just hates it. But I mean I don't have anything against your not liking pineapple. It still means we're friends if you don't like pineapple on your pizza. We can have one half with pineapple and the other without."

"Bella-"

"Oh no. You like only cheese on your pizza, don't you? I mean, that's kind of boring, but you know, whatever you like-"

"Bella!" he cut me off, chuckling. "Thanks for your offer but I have to go," he said, checking his watch again, frowning suddenly. "I'm already late."

Ouch. Well. Even friends had to go home, I guess. "Sure, no problem."

He looked at me and smirked. "I thought you were a pasta girl."

Oh, shit. "I might have… lied."

He shook his head but didn't seem angry. He stood up and started towards the door. I followed him. "For future reference, I do like pineapple on my pizza."

"Aren't you supposed to keep quiet about your personal life, Dr. Cullen?" I teased cautiously, anticipating his reaction.

Edward laughed out loud, and I was glad to see it. "My friends should know what I like to have on my pizza."

I nodded. "True."

I opened the door for him and before he slipped out of the apartment, he turned to me and there was an indecision in his eyes as he watched my face. Suddenly, his hand shot up in the air, moving tentatively towards my face. I almost closed my eyes, expecting his touch, but he quickly dropped his hand down. I saw he wanted to say something, but didn't. His eyes were full of some kind of emotion and whatever it was I liked it, because even if I didn't understand it, there was at least some emotion. I hoped he would keep his Dr. Psycho emotionless freak on a leash from now on. I kind of liked the idea of us being friends. I kind of liked the idea of having a friend who knew about me. It made him special. We had a connection now. But… could it really work in a long run?

"Thank you, Bella. I… I really appreciate your openness to this… arrangement."

I nodded, not liking the arrangement word. "Artificial friends."

He smiled timidly. "I know it might seem like that at first, but… I hope things will get better between us."

"I hope so, too."

And there we were again, staring at each other in a sudden awkwardness that was swallowing us. "Goodbye, Bella."

"Goodbye, Edward." He smiled lightly and turned to leave. I watched his retreating back and before I could stop myself I stepped out of the apartment.

"Edward?"

"Yes?" He stopped on the landing, looking over his shoulder at me.

I took a deep breath. "I know what my comfort food is."

"I thought you didn't have a comfort food," he remarked cheekily.

"I didn't have. Up until this morning."

He gave me a wide smile, and I felt my stomach do a somersault. He was beautiful. And I didn't know why it was or what I had done, but suddenly, all the awkwardness was gone. It was just him and me and his green eyes looking deeply into my brown ones. A magically surreal moment, just like the one when I was curled up in his lap holding onto him tightly. "Anytime."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

And for some reason, I knew it was true. I watched his back as he stepped down the stairs and then I returned to my apartment, closing the doors behind me.

Friends. Now that I wasn't under Edward's influence, the idea seemed a little ridiculous. I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to open up again to Edward like I had yesterday. Could I really get better? Could I really not feel as much pain as I was used to feeling? Maybe his efforts were in vain. Closing my eyes, I leaned back against the door, thinking of what good could come out of this arrangement. Little did I know it was the beginning of the most heartbreaking, the most painful, yet the most beautiful and life-altering experience of my existence.

A/N Ohhhh ;)