Happy New Year to you all! I hope 2017 will become a better year than you expect!

Now, we're picking up where chapter 40 left off. Enjoy!

...

42. First Kiss

Olivia felt like her heart was in her throat but she had to ask. She just had to. Elliot had just told her he remembered all of their time together and how torn he'd been about the feelings he'd had for her. They couldn't go back to their unspoken shorthand now. This wasn't the time to revert back to the wordless conversations they used to have, thus avoiding the things that were there but couldn't be said. Those things needed to be said now. She wanted them to be said. And so she took a shaky breath, not looking away from him, and asked him,

"What were your feelings for me?"

Elliot pulled his right hand out of hers and put it on his forehead. She could tell that his headache wasn't gone at all.

"Liv, you know what my feelings for you were," Elliot said, almost sounding annoyed. "I told you just yesterday. Loving you is the first thing I remembered. I just ... I remember now, how tense things were because I could never do anything about it."

Olivia nodded, feeling that same tension resurface.

"It was ... complicated."

Elliot scoffed, pulling his left hand away as well. He pressed the palms of his hands against the sides of his head, frowning.

"Should I call the doctor?" Olivia asked, suddenly worried that Elliot might succumb to his headaches once more.

"No," Elliot said, but his voice betrayed that he was in considerable pain.

"El."

"No," he repeated. "If this it what it takes for my life to start making sense again, it's worth it."

...

Her eyes were full of concern. God, those eyes. How could he have ever forgotten her eyes? They reflected her very being. He knew that not everyone was able to read her eyes. To read her. But he could. He had, almost from the first time they had met. They had clicked right away. They both came from a world of hurt and had become each other's anchor. He couldn't remember exactly when he'd started falling in love with her. It must have been between hurried lunches and long stakeouts or piles of paperwork and missing some important school thing. He had denied it at first, of course. He wasn't falling in love with her. They just shared a special bond because of the cases and what they saw on a daily basis. Because they 'got' each other. And because they risked their lives for each other on the job. But deep down, he'd known better.

He remembered those things now. And he remembered how he'd seen the change in Olivia's eyes, leading him to believe she might feel something more for him too. He hadn't dared to think about it, fearing he might one day act on his feelings and destroy everything they had built up so carefully over the years. He'd had his responsibilities. He knew that. He could feel it, although he still didn't have any real memories of his family before his memory loss. He remembered Olivia. It was the people and circumstances around them that were a challenge now.

Elliot felt like his brain was trying to pick at the edges of his memories, and it made his head hurt. But he wanted to talk to Olivia. He needed to talk to her. She was the key to everything. Maybe he didn't know much, but he did know that. Despite his amnesia, he had never stopped looking for her. But now that he remembered, he also remembered how hard they had worked to keep their distance from each other. To never cross that invisible line, that had become all but tangible at times.
And now, they had said things out loud to each other that they couldn't take back. He didn't want to, but he also didn't know how to move forward. He'd been so certain. For the first time in four years, he'd finally been completely certain of something. And now he didn't know what to do. He looked into Olivia's big brown eyes, hoping for guidance, for some kind of clue what to do.

And then Olivia saved him, like she had so many times before.

"Elliot. You can't force yourself to remember more. Let's just take it one step at a time and ... and let's not become complicated again, shall we? We're too old for that now."

...

Elliot laughed. He actually laughed, and let go of his head, taking her hands in his again. It hadn't been easy to find the right words to say to him but Olivia had seen the turmoil in his eyes. He was remembering way too much of their complicated history and he didn't know what to do. She had to be the balanced one now, however confused she felt. She was the less confused one and she realized she'd matured over the past four years. She wasn't as insecure as she'd been back when they were still partners. She wasn't afraid to believe what he'd said to her the day before. In fact, she knew that all the things he'd said while he still didn't remember everything, were more true than anything else he'd ever said. She didn't want to lose that filter-less Elliot again. And to keep him, she might have to drop her own filters as well. Permanently.

Elliot squeezed her hands and looked down at them. He opened one hand then, moving it underneath her hands and then put his other hand over hers.

"We never did this," he said quietly.

"No, we didn't," Olivia said. "But we do now."

Elliot's eyes flicked up to hers and they smiled hesitantly at each other.

"No more complicated," Elliot said.

Olivia nodded.

"No more complicated."

"I fell in love with you while I was a married man."

Olivia choked up instantly. He hadn't pulled up the walls again and she wanted to cry from relief.

"I fell in love with my married partner," she gave back, her voice trembling.

"Shame on us."

The tenderness in his voice didn't match the playfulness of his words at all, and Olivia leaned a little towards him automatically.

"Yeah. They should split us up," she said softly, watching Elliot lean forward too.

"Why didn't they?" he asked her when their faces were only about four inches apart.

"We should ask Cragen."

Three inches.

"Not now."

Two inches.

"Later."

One inch.

"Yeah."

His breath tickled her lips and Olivia's eyes drifted shut when he kissed her softly. They had kissed before, quite passionately, the day before, but this kiss was different. This was a first kiss. A first kiss between detectives Stabler and Benson.

...

Her lips were soft like he had always imagined, and strong at the same time when she returned his kiss. A moan emanated from deep within him and his heart monitor beeped furiously. Her arms were around his neck and his around her waist, and when she released his lips and kissed his neck in stead, he let out a sigh that somehow seemed to represent years of waiting for this moment, as if he'd held his breath all this time. He remembered their history now, and they were damn sure not going to repeat it.

...

I hope this development will meet your approval and I hope I'm still keeping them in character while they are dropping their filters. I need them to be on the same page while the rest of the blanks are filled in. This doesn't mean all of the tension from the past has miraculously disappeared. More soon. In the meantime, please review!