DISCLAIMER: Stephenie Meyer owns the characters. Storyline's mine :)

EdwardsFirstKiss, many thanks again.

Enjoy. R.

21. Demi Lovato – Nightingale

CHAPTER 20

This Was Aquamarine. Not Turquoise.

"Somebody speak to me
'Cause I'm feeling like hell
Need you to answer me
I'm overwhelmed
I need a voice to echo
I need a light to take me home
I need a star to follow
I don't know."

"I never see the forest for the trees
I could really use your melody
Baby I'm a little blind
I think it's time for you to find me."

"Can you be my nightingale?
Sing to me
I know you're there
You could be my sanity
Bring me peace
Sing me to sleep
Say you'll be my nightingale."

Saturday, April 6, 2013 (the next day)

"You sure you're not coming?"

"Yeah, I'm sure," I said and felt awfully guilty. I tried to be as polite as I knew how to be, now that I knew Rose was a little bit sensitive when it came to me. "I have a lot of work to do. I need to mark my kids' papers, tidy up a bit… Besides, I don't feel like having company tonight."

"Are you sure? Edward's wife and daughter are coming. Don't you want to meet them?" Rosalie asked, and I inhaled deeply. I wasn't going to tell her that his wife was one of the reasons why I didn't want to come to Rosalie's dinner tonight. She intimidated me, and I didn't even know her. What would she make me feel like when I met her personally? I knew it was childish and I was a coward, but my instinct was telling me to back off. I was trying to be nice here. In fact, I was doing Rosalie a favor.

"I'm sure they're lovely, Rose, but I'd rather stay at home," I said for the tenth time during our conversation. "Look… what if… what if I come tomorrow?"

"Emmett's in the hospital tomorrow and I promised his mom I would stop by."

"Oh, okay."

"It's alright, honey, I won't insist. But if you change your mind, by all means, feel free to come."

"Sure. Thanks, Rose."

"You're welcome. Love you."

I hung up and sighed. I knew this dinner meant a lot to Rose as Edward's parents who were invited to wedding were also coming over. And I just wasn't ready to face Dr. Angelic, Edward, his mother, wife and his little daughter at once. Not yet. Somehow, I felt it being way too overwhelming for me now. It was like a monster that I knew I would have to face one day, but today was definitely not the day to experiment with my unstable disposition.

It had been around noon when Rosalie called. Since then, I had marked my kids' papers, did my laundry, vacuumed my carpets and cleaned my kitchen. I watched four SpongeBob episodes and then took a shower knowing I should eat something as I hadn't had eaten today yet. I opened the fridge and all I saw was one Greek yoghurt, maple syrup, whipping cream, two eggs, a carton of milk and one moldy lemon.

Fantastic.

I closed the fridge deciding I had nothing to eat anyway and went to bed. To ease the silence surrounding me, I put on my earphones and let Kanye sing into my ears to help me fall asleep sooner. His voice made me imagine weird pictures in front of me. I saw Rosalie and Emmett's place in a typical dinner setting. Lights were on, dimmed, and I imagined them all – Rosalie, Emmett, Alice, Dr. Angelic, his wife, Edward, Tanya and Katie all around the table, talking, joking, having fun. Dr. Angelic's wife would praise Rosalie's cooking skills whilst a monster Tanya would die of jealousy because secretly she knows Mrs. Cullen hates her. Or at least it was my wishful thinking. My imagination worked obviously pretty well. Dr. Angelic would be charming, as always, praising his son and telling him how proud he was of him. Little Katie would be the most adorable little human being in the world, making funny comments and making everyone love her. Alice would miss Jasper who was in New York but as a good friend she would support Rosalie and Emmett because that was what real friends did for each other. Rosalie would miss me for a while, but the big gathering would soon make her forget that one person is missing. Emmett would simply enjoy dinner without the presence of poor, despicable Bella Swan. And Edward? He would question my absence but make nothing of it. He would think it was just another one of my moody selfish decisions.

Yeah. I was better here, at home.

But Kanye didn't make me sleep. If anything, he made me more alert. It was already around ten o'clock and my mind once again entered that dreadful thinking space where everything seemed to be much worse than it really was. I was thinking of myself, how I should've just swallowed that unwillingness and go to Rosalie's dinner and be a good friend to her. I thought of how selfish I was. I thought of how strange it was in school lately, how the rumors died down a bit, but how I felt the eyes of my colleagues on me, the looks of pity, shame and even hate in their eyes. I thought of what Edward was talking about yesterday, if I really should start seeing someone in that non-committal kind of way. But I wasn't ready to let anyone in, let alone just as a distraction. I didn't need distractions, I needed to focus on what I had to deal with. I needed to focus on myself. But would I ever be able to let go of that pain, like Edward had said before? Would I ever be able to live a happy life?

I turned to my other side and started crying. I felt anxiety and hate and disgust with myself crawl up my body. Thinking I hated nights like this one, I got rid of the earphones, turned my lamp on and sat up, wiping my tears away. "Get it together, Bella, for Christ's sake," I muttered to myself, but it was only the words of no real power anymore.

I sobbed angrily, growling here and there as I let that shit go out. I stood up and walked nervously from one corner of the room to the other, calming my distressed body. I went into the kitchen and drank a little bit of water, but my stomach turned immediately, and I had to spit the rest of it into the sink. I returned back into my bedroom and looked at the clock. It was one hour after midnight. For how long had I been tossing around in bed for? I needed to get some sleep.

I sat down on bed, feeling like a total disaster, and cried some more. I cried and cried until I started to silently laugh at myself, at how just pathetic I was. I was horrible. I was such a mess! How could I let go of myself like this?

For some unknown reason, I grabbed my phone and immediately looked for Alice's number. It rang a few times but then her chirpy voice told me to leave a message. Damn, Alice. I thought about calling Rose, but she was in bed with Emmett and I knew he wouldn't appreciate my waking them both up in the middle of the night, especially when he was going to work tomorrow.

Should I call Edward?

We were friends, weren't we? And I needed to talk to someone, I guess. I needed to talk to someone who would tell me I was not insane. But what if I made him angry? What if I scared him away? If you scare me away, then I wasn't a true friend. You have to kick people like that out of your life. Does being a friend include calling someone in the middle of the night if you feel like shit?

I took the risk. I dialed his number and listened to the ringing tone repeat several times. Ring. Ring. Ring. Nothing. Ring. Ring. Ring. Nothing. What was I doing? In a sudden realization, I ended the call, hoping I didn't wake him up. He would find a missed call in the morning, but I could say I dialed a wrong number or that I wasn't supposed to call anyone, but just didn't see properly and pushed wrong buttons on the phone.

Believable, right?

With a thumping heart I set the phone down and turned the lights off, lying back down to bed. I barely let my eyelids close before my phone started ringing. My heart started to beat loudly again and knowing it was Edward calling back, I sat up and reached for the phone. I watched the screen with his name on for two more rings before I pushed the green button and placed the phone close to my ear.

"Bella?" he asked, his voice hoarse, but there was panic to it I suddenly started to feel guilty for.

"Edward, it's just me."

He sighed in relief. "I know. Are you alright?"

"Yeah. I just… Forget it, Edward. I'm fine. I'm sorry I woke you up. Go to sleep."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I said, my voice tight. "Nothing, I just… I just couldn't sleep because… just my head's a mess right now, and at the time it seemed like a good idea to talk to someone, but I didn't want to… just go to sleep, Edward. It's okay."

"Talk to me, Bella," he said, but it didn't sound strict as when he had ordered me to eat. It was more like a request. "Please. You didn't wake me up."

"I didn't?"

"No," he said. "I'm working."

I looked at the clock. It was almost two. "Now?"

He chuckled slightly. His voice sounded strange and hoarse but maybe he didn't speak to anyone for a while. "Yes, now. Talk to me. I'm listening."

I sighed. "It's just that… God, it sounds so silly right now." He didn't reply and for a while I thought he hung up, but I could hear him breathe. He was waiting. "I just… sometimes at nights I can't sleep, and I get anxious over the things in my life and then I cry and… Everything suddenly seems to be a nightmare for me. Well, a bigger nightmare than it usually is."

"That's understandable," he said matter-of-factly.

"Is it?"

"Of course. Anxiety is natural at this stage. Besides, there is a lot of pressure you put yourself under."

"Me?"

I heard him smile. "Bella, can I tell you something? Will you listen to me without getting offended?"

I smirked. "Me? Offended? Never."

He chuckled. "Just take a step back and tell me if I'm right, okay?"

"Okay," I agreed and was curious what he had to say.

"You are very ambitious, is that right?"

I frowned. "I used to be."

"You had big dreams you gave up on in order to please other people. You changed yourself in every environment you were in, like a chameleon, to make people like you. And do you know why?"

That one was easy. "They wouldn't want me. They wouldn't accept me for who I was."

"Exactly. You told this narrative to yourself so many times that you started to believe it. A child, especially the one who was so vulnerable and sensitive as you, who lost her mother, is very susceptible to negative reception made by other people. And as a counterreaction, to make yourself more likeable and prevent this rejection from happening again, you learned to change who you were in order to be more likeable."

I swallowed hard. "I know that, Edward."

"I know you know it," he said gently. "You know a lot of things about yourself you are afraid to admit." I sighed loudly and let him continue because I knew he wasn't done. "Partly, it was bad luck when it comes to the people you had in your life – including your father and his girlfriend. But partly you allowed those people to treat you that way. And maybe it felt even good for a while. You felt like you belonged, like they accepted you. But by being so submissive, people felt like they can use you as they please. It takes a real character not to take advantage of a person who is willing to do anything for a friend. Like Seth, for example."

Seth? He remembered Seth?

"I am not saying it is your fault. Under the circumstances, you wouldn't react to the situation any other way. We all have to cope with life in our own way. But in the process, you forgot about yourself. You put your dreams and your own self on the backburner."

"What are you trying to say?" I asked because he was incredibly right.

"What I'm trying to say is that you can only live a lie for that long. At the end, Jacob cheated on you with your best friend, your dad has never tried to look for you when you left. You had been afraid all that time that people you loved would leave you and they eventually did. It only proved you right and all that suspicions about you not being good enough were confirmed. That was another blow in your face and it sent you in a completely different direction."

"I stopped caring for anyone," I whispered.

"Yes," he agreed silently. "Including yourself. It was in your head. Another unhealthy narrative – people leave. I don't matter."

"But, Edward, they do," I whined silently. "They do leave."

He was silent. Because I knew, and he knew as well that I was right. People leave. People leave and betray and lie. "But it is not the reason for you to give up on yourself."

"I just…"

"I know," he said. Again. "I know."

"But how do I… How do I manage to survive it? How do I survive another blow?"

"As long as you let people know the real you, as long as you remember the strength inside of you, you'll survive. Because if they leave… they weren't worthy of you. And, just for the record, people who belong in your life and who love you and care for you never leave for good. They might not be near, but…" his voice softened as if he got lost in thought. "They are still there for you anytime you need them.

"The reason you feel the way you do, Bella, is because you can't handle this lie anymore. You are going through a serious identity crisis. You became codependent, you seek validation and approval in other people, in your sexual relationships… You keep changing all the time, suppressing your true self… You cannot be satisfied in life if you keep yourself from things that make you happy, from people you love just because you're afraid they will leave. You're at the crossroads and that's why it hurts. You're about to discover yourself. You're about to do something brave."

"But… But it's either me being happy and rejected, or me being loved but secretly unhappy."

"No, it's not. It has to be you being loved and happy," he insisted passionately. "Give people in your life a chance, Bella. You're pushing everyone away. Give them a chance to get to know you and love you with everything bad and good you hide."

I sighed in frustration. "Edward, I know, but it's so hard!"

"Well, if you don't allow yourself to make that step, Bella, you will suffer. You're in a burning house now. The life you created yourself, that lie, is a burning house and your only chance is to take a jump out of the window because that life is not available anymore. It is a risk, yes. But you have no other choice. You're being stopped by the fear. Either this, or you burn down with a house. And you know you don't want that. Nobody does."

I started to cry silently. "But that's so scary. That's all I have ever known. What if I fall badly? What if I break something? What if it will hurt so bad I will never walk again?"

I heard him chuckle silently. "What if I told you a secret?"

"What secret?"

I heard him inhale deeply. "I'll be there to catch you."

I let out a shaky breath. "Will you?"

"Yes. Do you trust me enough to jump?"

Did I? He was here, wasn't he? He didn't go away, not yet, anyway. "Well, you're here now. How do I know you'll stay there?"

"That's why I'm asking if you trust me."

"I do," I breathed. "I do trust you, Edward."

He smiled, I knew he did. "Then I'll be ready whenever you are. Remember, the longer you stay up there, the longer you suffer."

I nodded. "Yeah, I know."

There was a silence on the other side that I appreciated. It wasn't awkward, it was actually pretty comfortable. It was that connection again I had felt before. Slowly, this man was making his way to me and I knew that by trusting him, I made the first step towards the window already.

We didn't speak for almost ten minutes.

"I'm glad you called," he said after a while. His voice wasn't so passionate anymore. It was calm and velvety.

"Yeah, me too. Are you sure it was okay?"

"Yes, stop feeling guilty, Bella."

"Okay," I said. "I owe you a pizza."

"For what?"

"For taking my call."

He chuckled. "You don't owe me anything."

"Stop it. We're going for pizza someday soon."

"Sure thing. Whatever you want."

"Whatever?" I asked teasingly, and it sounded awfully lot like flirting. Get a grip, Bella. "Sorry, that was inappropriate."

He just chuckled silently. "Maybe a little. Don't worry, I won't tell." There was another silence and despite this little awkward exchange, it wasn't uncomfortable. "Was this the reason you hadn't showed up at Emmett's place today?"

"What? Me flirting?"

He chuckled. "No. Did you feel not well enough to be around people today to come to dinner?" he asked, and it didn't sound like he was accusing me of anything, just stating a fact.

"Kind of," I admitted. "Dinners are not my cup of tea."

"My dad was quite eager to see you and ask you how you're doing."

That surprised me. "Really? We saw each other a week ago when I came for my injections."

"He is very fond of you," Edward said, his voice very kind as if he was amused by his dad's relationship with me.

"That's hard to believe. I wasn't very nice to him on multiple occasions," I said, and it was true. I had lied to him a lot.

"You see? That's a good example. He's the kind of person who saw you when you weren't at your best, yet he still likes you a lot. He's the kind of person to keep in your life."

I sighed. I had never looked at it that way. "Am I really that ungrateful, Edward?"

"No," he said. "Maybe. A little. You just fail to see these people because you automatically believe they are all the same. Don't worry. It'll get better once you start to consciously evaluate the people you meet and recognize their qualities."

"Sounds fancy."

He chuckled. "Sorry. That's just the way I talk sometimes."

"Don't apologize. It's kind of sexy." The silence on the other side made me realize what I just said. "I am so sorry. Seriously. I'll shut up now."

"Don't worry about that. As long as I can hear you get excited about something, it's worth it."

"You just didn't say that…"

"What?"

"You just basically gave me a permission to hit on you, Edward."

"Did I?"

I sighed. "Are you mocking me?"

"Never," he said, and I heard him chuckle. "I apologize. It was… it just makes me laugh. It is true what I said – it's unusual to see you relax and smile. I don't really mind, I know it is completely innocent."

Innocent… well. It is in my interest to let him believe that. "You know, it's interesting to see that you immediately recognize my flirting while you don't recognize a male waiter trying to get into your pants."

"Hey! That's not fair, I wasn't paying attention."

"Whatever," I said. "I know what I saw."

"You're incorrigible," he said but he was smiling.

That made me smile. We fell into a comfortable silence again that must have lasted for at least another ten minutes. "Have ever people left you?"

He didn't reply immediately, and I thought that maybe he fell asleep. "Yes."

I waited for him to continue, but he didn't. Wasn't I supposed to ask that? "I'm sorry. I don't want to pry."

"No, no, that's okay," he answered immediately. "It's just that… I haven't really talked about it for a long time. Or thought about it, actually."

"You don't have to if you don't want to," I said, and I meant it. I was dying to know more about him, but I didn't want to push him into anything. I knew how that felt.

"It's okay. But maybe another time. You should go to sleep, it's almost half past three."

"Is it?" I asked and looked at the clock. Yes, he was right.

"Yeah. If you haven't slept all night, you need to get at least a little bit of rest."

"You haven't either."

"What?"

"You haven't slept either."

"No, no, I haven't," he agreed eagerly.

"Can you… hm," I cleared my throat. Was it okay to ask him? "Can you stay on the phone for a little bit more? We don't have to talk. I just… I mean, you don't have to if you're too sleepy or something-"

"Sure, I can," he cut me off gently. "Are you lying in your bed for me now?"

And I just laughed when I realized what he just asked, but it wasn't really that much about what he asked but how he asked it. His voice was generally quite low and silent throughout the whole conversation, but this question just didn't come out right. "Oh, Edward."

"What?"

"Have you really just asked that?"

There was a silence on the other side. "Oh, crap. Bella, I'm so sorry." He sounded so embarrassed. "You should get your head out of the gutter."

"I so don't have my head in the gutter. Besides, it's okay," I said, and it really was. It sounded awfully a lot like a beginning of phone sex and while it normally would make me wet with anticipation, the innocence of it all made it sound incredibly funny. "Made me laugh."

"Good then. So, are you in your bed now?"

"Edward!" I said but laughed.

"What?" he asked, laughing too.

"Yes, I'm in my bed. Are you?"

"No," he said, and it sounded like he was saying that it would be the last place he would want to be. "I'm in the garden."

"It must be freezing outside."

"It's okay. It's not that cold. A fairly clear night."

"You're watching the stars?"

He was silent for a while. "Yes. I'm watching the stars."

"Okay," I said. "I should go to sleep now."

"Yeah, you should. I'll stay on the phone."

I smiled to myself. "Thank you."

"Anytime," he said softly, and it made my heart jump a little. "Goodnight, Bella. Sleep well."

"Thanks. Goodnight to you, too, Edward."

He didn't say anything more. I closed my eyes and focused on his breath on the other side. I expected him to hang up a few minutes after that, but he didn't. If I focused enough I could hear his steps on the ground, the sound of the wind blowing around him. I concentrated on the sounds, on the rhythm of his breath and soon I was out. In the morning, I woke up with the phone still in my hand. When I checked the duration of the call, my phone said one hundred eighty-four minutes – three hours and four minutes. I was sure we didn't talk for more than an hour and a half.

Why had he stayed on the phone for another hour and a half?

Tuesday, April 9, 2013 (3 days later)

I was running late, of course. When I saw him standing by that old scraggy tree like I had on Friday, I smiled, relieved he didn't leave.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I breathed when I reached him, startling him a little. I had been running, so I waited for a while before speaking to catch my breath. "I got caught up in work."

"No problem. Is everything alright?" he asked, concern on his face.

"Sure. Just… it was a long day."

"Do you want to go home?"

I shook my head. No, no. I was looking forward to seeing him. For some strange reason. "No. I could actually use a walk. You alright with that?"

He nodded, and we started strolling slowly around the park. It was a nice day today. Not very sunny, but it wasn't as windy as one would expect it to be. "Here, take this," he said after a while, handing me a drug prescription.

"What's this?"

"A new antidepressant. Should make you eat more."

I raised my brows. "Am I too thin for you?"

He didn't comment on the wording of the question. "As a matter of fact, yes. You're way too thin for anyone. How much have you lost? Ten, fifteen pounds?" I looked away. I'd lost fourteen pounds in last four weeks.

"What time did you hang up on Saturday night?" I asked after a while, changing the topic.

"Technically, it was already Sunday."

I rolled my eyes. "Details. You know what I mean."

"After you fell asleep."

I looked at his profile. "How did you know when I was asleep?"

"I knew."

"But how?"

He sighed and turned to me. "Your breath deepened. You started shuffling with the phone, you must have had it under your face," he said matter-of-factly, but it felt like he wasn't telling me something. "I knew."

I decided not to ask him about a three-hour phone call. Maybe he just forgot about it. Maybe he put it somewhere in the garden and returned to it later, not wanting to listen to my snoring. We fell into a comfortable silence again and watched the park around us.

"I don't know anything about you," he said suddenly.

I snorted. "You know everything about me."

"In a way. But I don't know what music you like, what is your favorite show, movie, color, actor, food, beverage…"

"You know my favorite cartoon and that I am a pineapple pizza girl. You know I love SpongeBob, Kanye West and martini. What else is there to know?"

"A lot."

"For example?"

"What's your favorite fruit?"

"Seriously?"

He nodded, his face didn't show any signs of joke. I sighed, thinking for a while. "Blueberries."

"Favorite vegetable?"

"Nah. I don't have any."

"You don't like them?"

"I am… impartial to vegetables. What about you? What is your favorite fruit and vegetable?"

"Strawberries and tomatoes. Also, I love anchovies."

I made a face. "Eww. Who likes anchovies?"

"I do."

My eyes widened. "Just don't tell me you put them on your pizza."

He smiled. "Sometimes."

"But not with pineapple."

He shook his head, amused. "No, not with pineapple."

I exhaled in relief. "Well, that would be a crime."

"I can only imagine," he said, smiling.

"It would! I don't want to even imagine the taste. Ew."

"So, you don't like fish," he made a conclusion.

"No, not really. My dad used to fish a lot, so maybe that's why. We had it all the time."

"What music do you listen to? Except for Kanye West?" he continued with his interrogation.

"Sad music. Ballads. I love piano and acoustic instrumental music. Don't listen to it as much as I used to. It's hard to find artists of a good quality when it comes to this kind of music."

Edward was silent for a while and when I looked at his face I saw him looking at me, eyes open-wide. "Really?"

I felt strange. "Yes? Is that weird?"

He shook his head. "No, no… I'm just impressed."

"I know. Kanye is not the type of musician that would make you believe I can listen to piano or even classical music."

"Do you?" And now his voice sounded even more shocked.

"Sometimes," I admitted. "As I said, not as much as I used to."

"Who's your favorite classical artist?"

"I don't think I have a favorite one. I love Ravel's Bolero. The anticipation, the gradation of it is just amazing. Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake. Debussy's Prelude to the Afternoon of a Faun… oh and Clair de Lune? So much pain and happiness in one composition… Makes you think about life." When I looked back at Edward, his eyes were wide and his mouth open. Did I say something wrong? Was it too weird? He looked like he was thinking about something. Hard.

"Who would've thought?" he asked finally, and his face regained a normal complexion.

I got a little offended here. "Is that so hard to believe? That I would actually know any of it?"

"No, no, no!" he said immediately. "No, I just… Forget it," he said, looking confused.

"What is it? Tell me."

He sighed. "I just had a strange, really strong sense of déja-vu. And yes, it is a little surprising, but… in a good way. Debussy's my favorite."

I smiled. "You see? We have something in common except for pineapple pizza."

We looked away from each other, strolling down the path slowly before he asked his next question. We talked about animals, movies, TV shows. Random things. I learned that his favorite movie of all time was The Godfather and that he always wanted a dog, but that his wife was allergic to both cats and dogs. He said he didn't watch reality TV shows because they were dumb, and I admitted to seeing a few episodes of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, defending myself by saying that I had done so only to check out Kanye's newest woman. Totally legit. We walked for a long time, sun already sat down, but we kept chatting about random stuff and I have to admit I liked it a lot.

"Favorite color?"

"Blue," I answered without a beat. "Whatever shade. But I hate turquoise." I shuddered at the thought. So bright and… awful. Edward looked at me with a raised eyebrow and laughed. "Yours?"

"Hmmm," he hummed, looking in front of him at something not specific. "White."

"Why?" I looked at him.

He shrugged. "I'm not sure, really. I like the… simplicity of it. Everything in life is too complex, too… damaged. White is pure, gentle. It's a difference to what we as human beings have to deal with every day, the concepts we need to understand. Why blue for you?" he asked.

"I love the ocean. The crystal-clear waters of southern seas, the dark haunting northern oceans…"

"Do you realize that crystal-clear water tends to be turquoise?"

"That's not turquoise!" I said, rolling my eyes. "Oh you, mortal people."

He looked at me. "Mortal people?"

"Shades, Edward. Shades. Colors have shades – a darkness or lightness that determines different shades of colors." My tone was not mean, merely mocking.

He smiled widely at me. "Oh, okay, I forgot I'm talking to a painter."

I looked away from him. "I'm not a painter."

He didn't reply straight away. "So, what shade of crystal-clear water do you like?"

"Turquoise is a shade of a blue color. Or cyan blue, there are several classifications. But not going into details, crystal-clear waters of the seas in the south are aquamarine."

"That makes sense now," he mocked me, and I slapped his arm playfully.

"It so does! If you saw them side by side, you would recognize the difference immediately," I said, knowing I was right. There was no way he would ever misidentify the two if he actually compared them. "I know. I'll show you. I'll show you the difference. Come," I said and took his forearms, tugging him to follow me.

"Where are we going?"

"To the shop where they sell the paints. I'll show you the difference."

I heard him laugh behind me, but he followed. There was a couple of stores with paining equipment in downtown Seattle. I had never walked into one, but I knew about every one of them. As luck would have it, there was one only ten minutes' walk away from the park and before I knew it, we were standing in front of it. Without much thinking we entered it and the familiar smell attacked my nose. Amazing. I looked around myself to gain a sense of orientation and soon I spotted a rack full of paints of blue shades. I just found a holy grail, I swear. The feeling of excitement was there with me again as I watched the rack of water-based colors of the shades I hadn't even dreamed of.

"Can I help you with something?"

I turned to a young woman standing in front of us, her hair pink in two ponytails. "No, thanks."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure," I replied and grabbed Edward's wrist.

She eyed me quizzically. "Okay. If you need something, I'm behind the counter."

"Thanks," I said, and dragged Edward to the rack full of paints. For the first time since we left the park I looked at him and saw his eyes on me wide, quite confused. I chuckled silently and turned to the rack, knowing immediately where to look for the turquoise and where for aquamarine. Some shops were usually selling just the basic colors because painters mixed those colors to achieve the desired shade. But this was a special shop, and I knew that. I knew that because even if I had never been here, I was way too intrigued not to look up information about it. I held up two tubes in my right hand with little openings to face Edward as the openings were in two different shades – aquamarine and turquoise – to indicate what paint was inside. "So?"

He finally looked down to look at the paints as if he forgot that this was the very reason why we came here. He scrunched up his nose and looked back up at me, smirking crookedly. "Not really a big difference."

I groaned but couldn't help and chuckle. "You can see it. Please, please, tell me you see it. Lie to me if you have to. Just tell me you see it," I said, looking down at the shiny tubes. How long was it since I had new tubes of paints in my hands?

"Okay," he said, his voice soft now. "I see it, Bella. I see the difference."

I returned my eyes to his face and saw he was smiling at me softly, his eyes sparkling. I reciprocated the smile. "Thank you," I said. My eyes darted down again, and I longingly eyed the paints, knowing I had to put them back on the rack. I turned and did so quickly, turning back to Edward. "So, shall we go now?" I asked Edward and turned to the exit, but he stopped me by grabbing my left wrist gently. As far as I knew it was dead and I knew I wasn't able to feel his touch, but his fingers ignited the weirdest feeling in the depth of my hand, sending conscious shivers up my hand.

"Do you want them?"

"What?" I turned to him, still quite confused by the commotions in my wrist. His face was unreadable.

"Do you want the paints?"

I looked back at the rack and shook my head. "Of course not," I said, smiling tightly. "What would I do with them?"

He frowned but let go of me. We left the shop and I tried my best to swallow the lump in my throat. We walked side by side without a word for a couple of minutes, not knowing where. "I'll walk you home," he said. It was a ten-minute walk from the shop. If he left his car in the spot he had the last time, he had a good twenty-five-minute walk back to it from where I lived.

"You don't have to."

"I want to," he replied. "It's quite dark. You never know what might happen."

A warm feeling spread in my chest as I nodded without much fighting. We didn't talk much as we were walking, each of us in our own world. We spent a lot of time together today and I could feel him by my side even without looking at him. It was strange how fast we got comfortable with each other, how easy the conversation flew, that we could laugh and talk about both serious and not so serious topics without him turning into a crazy Dr. Psycho; I almost forgot about that side of him. I still felt kind of apprehensive at times purely out of habit, but when I checked last time, he was okay, being simply Edward. He was smiling and laughing, joking and letting himself go with me, from time to time looking at me with those searching eyes and now I knew what he was doing. He did it every time he didn't understand and tried to figure me out. I never pointed it out, though. Never answered his unspoken questions. If he wanted to know what I was thinking, all he needed to do was ask.

Also, Edward was logical. For that short period of time I knew him, I knew Edward was rational, first and foremost. Edward approached problems and mysteries with almost admirable need to understand and solve them as well as he could. He was a doctor, a scientist. It was a part of his job. I knew that one of the reasons why he came up with this arrangement was to resolve the mystery of who I was. And while he had admitted it and denied at the same time, I couldn't bring myself to resent him for it. Because there was a part of me that felt his words and actions were honest and selfless. I was starting to believe he was on my side. So maybe, maybe if I let him to solve the mystery that I was for him, it would help me to get on the right track and find the peace within myself. I knew we were slowly getting comfortable with each other and the thought frightened me as well as thrilled me. Frightened me because my mind couldn't overlook the fact he was a shrink, and thrilled because so far, I was perfectly honest with him, I was being Bella and he didn't run away. He was becoming my friend.

"We're here," he said when we reached our building. I was about to be sarcastic with saying something like Don't you say, but I opted for just being quiet. He gave me a warm smile and I smiled in return because you just did so when Edward Cullen smiled at you. "See you on Friday?"

I nodded. "On Friday." Which seemed to be way too far away from now.

"Goodbye, Bella," he said, turning away to go back.

"Goodbye, Dr. Cullen."

He chuckled, shaking his head, and I thought I heard him mutter incorrigible under his breath but maybe it was just a rustle of the wind that got stronger with upcoming night. I watched his retreating back for a few seconds and then climbed the stairs up to my apartment, feeling light and content.

I might have not known at that time what the deal was between me and him, but I felt like he was going to be a good influence for me. Feeling rather hungry – as I usually did these days – I decided it was time to eat. I made myself a ham and cheese sandwich and watched a little bit of TV before taking a quick shower and changing into my PJs. I felt very… good. Yeah, I felt actually that well, that I took my medications. All of them.

When I was about to go to sleep and turned my lights off, I suddenly heard a loud knock coming from my living room. I froze, not sure if I heard correctly and when the sound repeated again, my heart started to beat fast. I went into the living room, realizing the sound was coming from my door. I slowly approached it and looked outside through the peephole and when I saw Edward, I sighed in relief.

"What are you doing here?" I asked when I opened the door.

"Hey. I'm sorry if I woke you up," he said and looked a bit disheveled, his hair standing up as if he ran up the stairs.

"No, you didn't."

"I just…" he trailed off and lifted a paper bag I didn't notice he was holding. He handed it to me. "You forgot this."

I frowned in confusion and looked inside, seeing two tubes of water-based paints – one aquamarine and one turquoise blue. I stared blankly at them and then at Edward. "But… Edward, I didn't forget anything, I told you I don't-"

"Keep them. Just… keep them, okay?" It was hard to read his face at this point, but I simply nodded. "Okay."

We stared at each other and for a few moments I thought I was dreaming. Another one of the surreal moments I shared with Edward. "Goodnight, Bella. Sleep well."

"Goodnight, Edward," I said and watched him walk away, dumbstruck and speechless.