Chapter 18

Sorrows of a father

Christine's POV

I froze, "you had a son?"

Erik had fathered a child before…that explained the lovey-dovey attentions he had given me as a child. The overprotective, 'keep everybody else but me away from the baby at any costs' and the loving guidance I had received from him when he was my guardian. It explained the way he always was, that despite his coldness and his horrors of his life he loved to spoil me and baby me. Erik was a father in every way and why couldn't I see it before? But then if he was a father then where was the baby? Strangely enough this did not surprise me now that I thought about it; he was two decades older than me after all.

But then, if he had one secret how many others were there? Was Erik married to someone else before me? If so was that woman still alive and pining for the husband she had lost? I had seen no wedding ring on his hand except for mine but if he was a family man than surely the child had been born of a woman. Perhaps I am mad but Erik did not seem the adopting type, I know he had fostered me but that was special. He had been grooming me to grow into the woman that he loved and had made sure that I never referred to him in a fatherly way. I assumed this was to make sure there was no chance of me feeling paternal affection for him and yet…he could not help himself.

My head was beginning to ache terribly as it always did when I was thinking of even trying to figure out the web of Erik's mind. Nonetheless, my questions would not be silent in my mind. Where was the child and why hadn't Erik mentioned him to me before? It seemed my beloved was a man of many secrets, some I would find rather unpleasant as they were revealed to me. I wondered what other things Erik had never spoken to me of yet, how many dark secrets and personal rings he had locked in the loops of hell inside his ever-bleeding heart.

My anger had gone and I just stood there a mass of heartache and confusion. Erik was hurting and I was hurting for him… the ragged sobs shaking him were enough to kill the heart of any person and for me it was twice as bad. I wasn't even mad anymore, I just wanted him to be at peace and calm and smiling as he was on our wedding night. I wanted him to be so ridiculously happy and in love the way he had been before he had found out that I was pregnant.

Erik broke my thoughts as he spoke a name out in a despairing way, "Reza…"

"What happened?" my voice was soft, coaxing.

"I worked for the Kahunum of Persia for a time. Her architect, employed to design torture chambers."

I shivered, "What were they like?"

Erik smiled, "They were beautiful, forests and deserts looking as if they were made of gold."

I had to grin; it seemed even in his pain he took pride in his work. "Go on…" I said, hoping to cheer him up.

"I spent years working on them they had to be perfect, lethal, effective and pleasing to the eye… just perfect…or else."

I shuddered, "Or else…" I prompted.

Erik said nothing but gestured to his torso, shaking. I nodded, kneeling down on the floor beside him and rubbing his back in circles. He laid his head on my lap and choked out more gibberish. I shook my head, feeling his pent up exhaustion through his body. His pain and grief was palpable and though I wanted answers and needed to make him see reason this was impossible with him this hysterical. First things first I had to get him calmed down. I dragged him to the bed and sat him down, placing my hands on his knees waiting for an explanation. He just lay back on the bed, looking worn out.

I rubbed his back and shoulders, propping him up as I knew what was going on. All the pent up emotions he had were being released. The stress, the fear, the years and years of emotions that he had been bottled up, it was coming out, and unfortunately for me I was the one to catch the heat of the fire. But perhaps it was fortunate because this way I was getting to know him, the real him. Not the Angel waiting in the mirror to steal me only after another man took an interest. No, this was Erik Mansart, the broken, brilliant and violently in love man who although was willing to die for me could not keep fears of being a father at bay.

I wanted to sit there all day long and talk him through the pain and fears the way a normal wife would a first-time father. But that was even stranger because he wasn't a first time father or so he had just said, so this was beyond normal nerves. This was melodrama at its highest point. The reaction, the orders and the tears were so much deeper and so much rawer than they should have been. True everyone reacts differently to situations but this was just bizarre even for him. I felt my own tears coming, unable to be strong for him anymore and I leaned my head on my knees and let a few tears fall.

This was the only relief I would allow myself, let a little pain leak out but never all the way. Not in front of Erik when he was like this, I had to be strong and calm. One of us had to be steady, the rock in this raging storm of our emotions. Of course there was no hiding my emotions because he was telepathic I swear because the moment I breathed in he knew I was sad. Erik scooted closer to me on the bed and moved my hair away from my cheek before tugging me so that my head landed on his chest. I reached over and pulled his hand around to place it flat on my belly, not letting him pull away.

"See Erik," I said. "You can have children, they are alive and well." I smiled at him.

This was apparently the wrong thing to say because he sighed again and got up walking out the door to the rail. I watched as my powerful husband was reduced to this mass of pain and confusion, he was currently. I hated this, I wanted him to yell, curse at me, and demand me to kill them again anything but this broken man before me. I followed him to the rail and saw him looking at the sea; he was looking east towards the golden lands he had told me about so often. I watched his expression change from several emotions at once and back again.

His eyes went from sad, to self-loathing to apologetic in the space of three seconds. I placed my hand over his, patted it to tell him I would be there when he was ready to talk and left him alone. I do not know how many minutes passed before he turned to me and I got the worse shock of my life. Erik turned to me with a look of despair and mouthed something although I did not have the chance to read his lips. He then stood upon the rail of the boat as though he were preparing to jump into the wave our vessel had created. In that moment my heart stopped and when it began to beat again I walked cautiously out.

"Erik…" I started, "What are you doing?"

"Goodbye Christine…"

"Goodbye?" I echoed and then it hit me." No, no Erik please do not do this."

He said nothing but leaned over the side, ready to plunge. I ran forward and grabbed him; he was so shocked that he didn't fight me for which I was thankful. We went crashing to the deck his back on mine so we were lying flat against each other. The fall hurt my back but I did not care, I pushed him as hard as I could and when he rolled off of me I got to my knees and slapped him as hard as I could. Once, twice, and then a third time, Erik made no attempt to fight back and let me hurt him as he always did.

"How dare you!" I shouted. "You bastard, how dare you try to leave me like leave me like this!"

"Christine…" He started but I was not listening.

"Shut up!" I snapped, "Don't speak right now you…"

I meant to say more, but the feeling of almost losing him was too much for me and pretty soon I tackled him and began to cry. I laid on him and broke down, showing him just how much this whole mess was hurting me. I no longer cared about being strong, I wanted him to be hurt for me the way he was right now. Erik wrapped his arms around me and took me inside, while I screamed my lungs out into his shoulder and pounded his chest with my fists. He sat down on the bed with me and rubbed my back; I did not have the energy or will to take him to task.

But when he started to cry too I forgot my anger and allowed him to hold me as we cried ourselves out. When I believed him to be calm enough I got up from his side to go get some water for his poor face which had begun to bleed from my blows, but he stopped me. He reached out and took my hand in his, causing me to turn around to look at him. He wasn't saying anything but I sat down again when I looked into his eyes, they were glassy…frightened as they had been but the pain was chilling and he tightened his grip. It was as if the very way he gazed at me was breaking his heart, as if he could no longer bear to feel the full force of his love and his heartbreak was breaking my own.

"Christine…" he groaned softly, "Don't leave me…"

I climbed into the bed with him, wrapping my arms around him. We had a good long snooze until Erik woke me with a whimper and a scream of fright. My hands went to his shoulder and I shook it, to which he responded with a weary mumble and a heavy arm pulling me closer to his heavy chest. I could hear the frantic beating of his throbbing heart; his chest was sticky and sweaty as it glistened. He groaned and a tear ran down his poor face, worse yet was he did not respond to my touch and seemed to be in some kind of trap. I saw he was deeply asleep but I had to wake him so I placed my lips over his and he jolted awake.

His hand went to my throat and he slammed me against the bed board painfully. My head made a horrible cracking sound against the wood and I felt it splintering on my head. The sting was sharp and dull like needles stabbing me, breaking off in difficult to reach. It really hurt and I felt blood running down the back of my head and then I could not breathe. My husband was choking me with a wildness to his eyes that was absolutely terrifying; I did the only thing I could. I reached for the lamp and lit it as fast and weakly as I was able to. Erik blinked and threw himself off me and crawled into a corner, curling up in a ball to weep. After I rubbed my now bruised throat I went to him and pulled him up.

He rose with me and then I felt the first wave of dizziness hit me and I stumbled. Erik caught me and put me on the bed, pulling the broken shards from my head, but not before washing my injury. As you can imagine this hurt like hell and I groaned when he plucked them out before washing the blood out of my hair. My husband then wrapped my head up in a strip from the blanket. I looked at him and saw the remorse, torturing his face and I knew then that he was not trying to abuse me. It was the nightmare, whatever hell he was lost in was torturing him and I needed then to show him just who he had married. I went to him and wrapped my arms tightly around him till he lost his composure again and lay on my shoulder.

"My baby…" he sobbed.

I sighed, saying nothing as I took him back over to a nearby chair where I set him up with a cup of soft English tea. It wasn't his favorite but it was softer on his no-doubt upset stomach then the bitterness of the Russian lemon. He drank it slowly, and I rubbed his shoulders. They poor bones in the blades cracked and popped like wood swelling to ashes in a campfire. Erik groaned and leaned back on the headrest of the chair. I smiled a little and ran my fingers along his neck, and he sighed gently opening his silver eyes and I smiled down at him before kissing his chin and then his lips.

When I received no response I kissed him with more force and if he didn't know my real intentions right now I am sure he would've thought me wanton. I could tell that Erik himself was in no mood for physical contact right now, but he needed it almost as much as I did if not more. Erik kissed me back but it lacked the usual passion and even affection he usually showed. It was sad and weary, almost like he had lost the will to live. I sighed and knelt down in front of him, I wanted him to tell me what the matter was but first I just removed his head piece and brushed his hair out. Erik put the tea down and groaned laying his face in his hands.

"Erik what happened to your son?" I asked finally, feeling he had a need to talk about whatever this was.

Erik looked at me and shook his head, "I didn't mean to." He sobbed.

I was becoming impatient, "For God's sake Erik didn't mean to what? Stop talking in riddles and give me a straight answer…please."

"Kill him…"

I stopped dead in my tracks, blinking rapidly, trying to absorb what I had just heard. I had expected the child to be gone; I had prepared myself for the fact that my stepson if I had one was dead. But not this, not that my Angel of music was capable of such a thing, of course I knew my husband was capable of murder. I had seen him kill two people simply because they were in his way, but his own child? I backed away from him slowly, putting my hand over my stomach beginning to panic. If he did it to his first would he do it to me too?

He looked at me slowly, seeing my fear he got to his feet and advanced a few steps. The more he advanced the more I backed away, this went on for a good five minutes before my back hit the wall and I groaned. Erik moved forward and I shrank away from him, this was the worst time yet I was terrified. He stopped in front of me, reached out his hand and tried to touch my face but thought better of it and drew back. Still he reached over and touched my curls, shaking his head as if to reassure me that he meant me no harm.

I waited and when he spoke again it was a hushed whisper, "I did my best to help him… I loved him."

"Erik you need to tell me what happened this does not make any sense." I said.

Erik nodded, "I was paid handsomely for my work as an architect, mostly in gold but one time with a slave girl. Rayooka, she was lovely –not you- but lovely."

I nodded, "Yes and?"

"I was forced to have sex with her to save her life, if she denied me or if I did not perform for the Khahunum she would die. But I made sure it was only once." I said nothing, he continued. "She got pregnant from that one time, but I paid Nadir Khan to marry her. He of course fell in love with her and the child was born Reza Nadir Khan…but he was mine."

I smiled a little at the way he said mine, like a proud father would, he went on. "Continue."

"Nadir allowed me to stay in Reza's life. The boy was perfect in every way, brilliant, but he was sickly, and it got so bad… that he lost his sight and mobility. The only thing he didn't lose was his brilliance and his ability to feel pain and the worst part was…" He trailed off.

"Was?" I repeated wondering how it could get worse.

"He knew…" Erik cried, "My son, when I went to give him his sleeping draft he looked at me and said, 'Uncle Erik, I know you are my daddy…I hurt please make me better daddy. I told him I would and I loved him. He said he loved me too and begged me again to make him better so I did, I gave him his medicine and he died in his sleep." He looked at me, "I cannot have more children, if they were sick like that…no not again."

His voice trailed off and I saw him start to cry again, this time letting every emotion out of him. I did what my father used to do for me, I stroked his head and made gentle tisking sounds. He looked at me pleadingly and I allowed him to lay his head on my breast and then I let him lay flat down on my lap with his head resting there while he cried.

I stroked his head, "Shh my love it's okay he is in a better place now and soon…"

I was interrupted by someone knocking on our cabin door shouting, "Land ho, all Ashore!"

A/N Yes the boat journey is finally over and now the real fun begins, please review.