45. Talk

"Liv, what did he do to you?"

Olivia's eyes popped open. He just had to aks her this now? Just when she was relaxing and feeling comfortable and calm? Elliot's heartbeat was climbing a bit again, and Olivia wondered what she should tell him. She tried her patented deflective response first.

"You don't really want to know."

Elliot sighed and rubbed her shoulder with his hand.

"Liv ..."

Olivia squeezed her eyes shut again. She didn't need these thoughts in her head again, just when she was planning to sleep a little. She'd have nightmares. But Elliot did deserve an answer. His bad night had been because of what had happened to her, and her decision to share this part of her life with him needed a follow-up. She took a deep breath too and kept her eyes closed while she told him,

"I'm sure you've read what he did to his victims."

"Yeah."

Elliot held her even tighter.

"He had you for four days."

"I was passed out most of the time."

"How come?"

"He force-fed me vodka and Vicodin. Made sure I wouldn't resist too much or cry out when he hurt me. I was pretty numb physically the whole time."

She heard and even felt Elliot swallow hard.

"I read about cigarette buds, house keys and coat hangers ..."

"Yeah. He pulled out all the stops for me."

"He burned you?"

"Yes."

"Where?"

Olivia let out a shaky breath. She understood the question. Her scars weren't visible when she was dressed. But if she wanted to move forward with Elliot, and she did, he needed to know what he was in for. No secrets. No surprises.

"My arms and my ... torso."

"Breasts?"

"Yes."

Elliot swallowed again and gripped her so tightly that it was becoming painful. Olivia opened her eyes and tried to get him to loosen his grip on her.

"El ..."

She lifted her head to look at him and could see tears in his eyes, although they were squeezed shut. He opened them when he felt her move and lifted his head as well to look at her, sadness and anger in his eyes. His arm dropped to the mattress and they stared at each other for a moment.

"Any other places?" he asked her then.

He was almost torturing himself, asking for more details but Olivia didn't look away when she answered him.

"My abdomen and pelvic area."

She could see Elliot holding back his emotions. He looked like a volcano ready to erupt but he held it in for her sake.

"Did he ..."

Elliot closed his eyes and shook his head as if trying to shake the thought out of his brain. He tried again though.

"Liv, did he rape you?"

"No!"

He reply had sounded a lot more certain and forceful than she was feeling. Because honestly, she wasn't one hundred percent sure. She'd always maintained it, throughout her statements and right up to the trial but she had been passed out a lot. And so, for the sake of honestly, she added,

"Not that I'm aware of."

Elliot frowned and studied her face. They were both fully awake now.

"Not that you're aware of? What does that mean?"

Olivia put her head on his shoulder again, and Elliot wrapped his arm around her shoulders again, holding her close to him. She concentrated on her breathing and on the feeling of Elliot's warm body against hers and his strong arm around her. She was safe. Lewis couldn't get to her anymore. It wasn't entirely true, as she knew very well, because the man still haunted her in her dreams, but she was safe from any further physical harm now. The uncertainty of what Elliot was asking her was torture in itself sometimes though. She'd told herself time and time again that it didn't matter, because she didn't know or remember. But she knew that as a matter of pride it did matter to her. The thought that Lewis possibly had raped her and had known it all along, just didn't sit right with her. Even though he was dead now, she just couldn't stand the thought that he might have been gloating at one time about her ignorance.

"Liv?"

...

Elliot had felt Olivia's body tense up. It shouldn't surprise him but her silence right now was unsettling. She wasn't completely sure if she'd been raped or not?

"Well. Like I said, I was passed out most of the time. But they didn't find any forensic evidence so ... I'm assuming he never actually did it."

"You had a rape kit done."

"Yes."

"And they didn't find anything?"

"No. And they checked everywhere."

Elliot turned his head to kiss Olivia's forehead. He felt like smashing something but he needed to stay calm now, for her. He knew how humiliating it was for victims to have a rape kit done and have all their orifices probed for evidence. Olivia had witnessed many of them, but to have to undergo one herself after the ordeal she'd been through ...

"He could have used objects that didn't leave a trace though."

Olivia sounded so small now, almost resigned, that he felt the need to reassure her. He knew nothing, of course, but he just had to say something.

"Liv, if they didn't find anything ... you know how it works. We always told victims that, remember? No DNA or condom lubricate or tearing means no penetration. You have to believe that, or you'll drive yourself crazy."

Olivia chuckled and he rubbed the top of her head with his cheek.

"Been there, done that," she said quietly.

"You seeing anyone?"

"You mean a therapist? Yeah. It helps."

"Good."

They were silent for a minute, each caught up in their own thoughts. Elliot thought about what he'd read about the Lewis case, and how he'd been found beaten to a pulp when the NYPD finally found Olivia. She had beaten him up and he wished she'd just killed him. Nobody would have blamed her. But the prick had survived. He felt Olivia relaxing a little in the bed with him and put his left arm over her right arm, that was draped across his chest. He rubbed her arm gently when he asked her,

"Did you think you killed him?"

Olivia breathed out slowly.

"Yes."

"I wish you had."

"Me too."

"How did you get the upper hand?"

"I ... He ... he had me handcuffed to the iron frame bed and we ... talked."

"Talked?"

"Yeah. He liked to talk. Pretend that he knew me so well. Sadistic freak."

"What did you talk about?"

He felt Olivia shake her head slightly against his shoulder.

"Doesn't matter," she said flatly, actually confirming to him that it did matter. But she wasn't ready to tell him yet.

"And then what?" he asked her, letting it go for now.

"I ... tried to goad him ... told him he was a lot of talk and no action, and then he said he was finally going to rape me."

She lifted her head again to look at him.

"This actually makes me think he really hadn't before that moment."

Elliot nodded.

"I understand Liv."

She rested her head on his shoulder again and he held her close while she continued.

"I managed to muster all my strength and wrench the metal bar that I'd been handcuffed to off the bed. He was too busy undoing his pants to notice in time, so I hit him with the rod. When he tried to grab his gun, I struck his arm and kicked him in the nuts. Then I grabbed the gun."

She had spoken fast and he knew she was right there again, in that intense moment. He rubbed her back gently and told her softly, over and over until she calmed down,

"Good girl. You did good Liv. I'm so proud of you."

She was still trembling slightly though and when she continued, he understood that there was more to her story.

"El ... I should have called for backup right away, but I didn't," Olivia said softly.

She turned her head, hiding her face in the crook of his neck and repeated, whispering, "I didn't."

...

This seemed like a suitable point to break off this conversation. Second half will follow soon. Meanwhile, I just love getting your reviews!