I hope you know that it isn't easy to write this story, because I'm having several characters explain something I never understood myself (ie why Olivia never heard from anyone). I'm just trying to make sense of it in my amnesia setting. This chapter was a tough one. I hope you'll enjoy my Bernie!

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48. Bernie

"Reasons? What reasons?!" Elliot asked his mother, an angry edge to his voice.

He pulled his right hand away from his mother's hands and reached for Olivia's. She slipped her hand in his while waiting for his mother to answer the question. Bernie watched them and nodded slightly, a smile on her lips.

"Looks like I was right," she said contently.

She patted Elliot's hand and looked from him to Olivia and back, and then at Olivia again.

"I know you must be wondering why no one bothered to tell you about Elliot's condition, dear."

Olivia just looked at Bernie, not sure how to feel. She was waiting for the woman to explain herself. It wasn't like she owed her an explanation, or that Olivia was entitled to any kind of attention from the Stabler family. It had just been extremely disappointing and painful to not only lose Elliot, but all of them. When Bernie spoke again, Olivia hung on every word, needing her explanation to make sense, so she could understand.

"The way I see it is, that when my boy lost his memory, he didn't only lose something. He gained something too. His life had shaped him and he'd become one possible version of himself. And now, he had a chance to start all over again, without any restrictions. Nothing to tie him down or distract him from becoming who he was meant to be. There were no rules anymore. No narrow-minded views of how things were 'supposed' to be, or how he was 'supposed' to act. In a twisted way, I even envied him a little."

Bernie squeezed Elliot's hand again, that she was now holding with both hands, and Olivia held on to his other hand. She could feel him trembling. Or was it her?

"But of course, I could see he was in pain, too. He felt so lonely, he didn't recognize anyone anymore. And when he needed some peace and quiet, he came to me. To me, Olivia. Can you believe it?"

Olivia couldn't help but smile a little. She knew Bernie had been desperate for her son's attention but he had always avoided her. Bernie had gotten back a son who didn't remember all her failures as a mother. A son who felt at ease with her and who accepted her just the way she was, with all her quirks and unpredictability.

"I could see him struggling," Bernie continued, "but I could also see that a huge burden had been lifted from his shoulders. He told me he felt like he was looking for something, or someone, but other than that, he was more at peace than I had ever seen him. He asked me questions about his childhood, and I showed him pictures. I told him about the nice things we used to do when he was little."

"You never told me about my father," Elliot interrupted her. "Or even about yourself. You only told me about me."

"That's because you are all that matters, Elliot," Bernie said, emphasizing each word.

Olivia could see that she was tense and that the muscles in her face were twitching a bit, but she still managed to tell them exactly what she wanted to tell them.

"I could only tell him about himself, Olivia," Bernie said, looking at the brunette at the other side of her son's hospital bed. "I was convinced that anything else he would need to remember to truly become himself, would come back to him eventually. I didn't want to influence him in any way to choose his path."

"Kathy tried to influence him," Olivia interjected, wondering how much of this had been arranged by Kathy.

"Kathy," Bernie sighed, shaking her head. "Poor Kathy. She tried to paint a perfect world for herself, and for Elliot. She thought they had a chance to start over too, but you can't create happiness and unconditional love where there was none before. So sad to watch her fight and fail. But I guess she needed to try, to finally accept that it was really over."

"Did you tell her this?" Olivia asked.

"I tried," Bernie said with a sad smile. "But do you think she'd listen to me?"

Olivia guessed not. Kathy lived in her own world of how she had hoped things would be and wouldn't take her batty mother-in-law's advice about how to deal with her marriage or her husband.

"Kathy was trapped too, you know," Bernie continued. "They both were. But Elliot is free now."

She smiled widely at her son, her eyes moist with tears. She really loved her son very much. Olivia could see it, and she could hear it in Bernie's words. A lot of what the woman had told them, made sense. But Olivia's question still hadn't been answered.

"Why didn't any of you ever tell him about his job and ... his former co-workers?" she asked Bernie.

"You mean about you."

The woman might have a mental illness but she was no fool.

"Yes," Olivia admitted.

"Well, he found you, didn't he? Katie tells me he even remembers you now."

"Four years, mother. You didn't say a word for four years!" Elliot said harshly.

Bernie looked down at her hands, which were now clutching Elliot's hand tightly. She was fidgety and her voice was shaky when she continued.

"I have to admit, that my sense of time is ... different from yours. I enjoyed having Elliot around so much and ... maybe I was being selfish. I never intentionally waited for him to remember you, Olivia. I just assumed that he would, if you were truly a part of who he was supposed to be. I don't put a clock on things. It was Elliot's process. Maybe I was wrong. But Kathy tried to force things and I would never do that ... I ..."

They could tell that Bernie was struggling a bit. Maybe she really hadn't thought that she would need to bring them together.

"He started making choices after a while. He left Kathy but remained a father to Eli and the other children. He moved to Manhattan. Started working out again. Even traveled. And he kept coming here. He was happy."

It almost sounded like Bernie was trying to convince herself that Elliot had been happy, and she was near tears.

"I knew you loved him at one time, Olivia," she said, looking up at her son's partner while tears trickled down her cheeks. "But so did Kathy."

She took a deep shaky breath.

"It wasn't up to me."

"No, it was up to me."

Bernie jumped a little at Elliot's sudden words.

"But I never even knew she existed, mother."

"I was sure you'd find her if you had to."

"A little help would have been nice."

"I was sure you'd find her ..." Bernie repeated.

Olivia could tell that Bernie was reaching her breaking point, and she rounded the bed quickly.

"Bernie ..."

The older woman looked up at her, more tears running down her cheeks. Olivia could see a genuine fear in her eyes. It was the fear of losing her son again, just when she'd gotten him back. She was shaking and Olivia placed her hands on the woman's upper arms gently.

"Four years is a long time, Bernie."

She started nodding fervently, reaching for Olivia's face.

Her voice was agitated when she spoke again, defending herself.

"I ... I just saw him grow and ... he was at peace. Not completely, I know. He was still looking for himself. And you. I know that now but I didn't know for sure before. But Elliot wasn't trapped anymore. I didn't count the days, I just watched him. I watched him enjoy life like I'd never seen him do before. And it was so good to have him around. I felt like maybe I had done something right after all."

Olivia hung her head. What could she say to that? She knew the woman was emotionally fragile and insecure and she knew she shouldn't push her. But although her perception of time may be different, she must have known that a long time had passed.

"If you knew I loved him," she said quietly, feeling the emotion of her own words, "you must have known I missed him."

Bernie leaned her forehead against Olivia's bowed head.

"I thought you two had parted as friends when he retired, just like Katie thought. And if Elliot needed you back in his life, that he'd find you. I am so, so sorry that you thought he had abandoned you."

...

Elliot watched the two women at his bedside, who clearly loved him very much, holding each other and sharing their pain. Over him. And his mother's last words made him realize that part of this had been his own doing. Only he didn't remember that part. He needed to remember those months between the shooting and his birthday. To remember why he had disappeared from Olivia's life without a word, and why everyone had thought they had said goodbye to each other. He just had to remember.

...

So, can you see Bernie's point of view? And Elliot's own role in how it all turned out? Please let me know in a review.