This chapter is pretty much the same, I just deleted a bit of narrative I found kinda out of place and left the letter by itself.
Read...
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Dear Isabella,
It feels like I've started to write this letter about a thousand times, but no matter how hard I try, I cannot find the right words to begin with. I'm sorry just isn't good enough. Nor does it cover the multitude of things I'd like to say to you, if I had the chance. Not that I'm expecting anything from you, but I owe you so much more than an apology.
I owe you my life, Bella, plain and simple. There was a time that that didn't mean much to me, but I've come a long way since then. I'm thankful to have survived now. I'm thankful to have been given a second chance at life. I only wish there were a way for me to let you know how grateful I am to you without causing you further pain or heartache.
I do think you should know that I truly am sorry. The remorse that I feel for the pain that I caused you in the past is overwhelming sometimes. Even though there are numerous things that I can't remember for myself, and many things I get confused over, I do know what I put you through.
Time and time again I put my addiction before you, and when you refused to ignore my problems or excuse them, I said and did terrible, spiteful things . Things I can never take back. Things you didn't deserve. Things that were not your fault.
I think more than anything, that's what I want you to get from this letter. The choices I made that led to my addiction were not your fault. The choices I made while I was using were not your fault. Hell, the choices I made when I was sober weren't your fault.
Neither was my inability to stay sober. I was sick. I was suffering from a disease that I had no desire to cure or recover from. I still struggle with it, but at the time, I didn't even want to try. I didn't want to get better. I wanted just one more high. One more hit. Always... just one more hit.
I'm an addict, Bella. I'm eight-hundred and twenty-seven days into my recovery, but I am an addict. I always will be.
That said, I want you to know that I hold no anger against you. Leaving me while I was still in the hospital was the best thing you could have done for both of us. It made it easier in the long run and you were there at the most crucial moment. You answered your phone and didn't just hang up when I didn't respond. You called 911. You saved my life. Oh, and apparently, you sat with me —the man who filed for divorce because you wouldn't tolerate my addiction— until my parents could get to the hospital. It was far more than I deserved.
But then… you always were more than I deserved. (No matter how unhealthy my psychologist says that statement is.)
I don't know when or how I will get this to you, but I hope it will be just the first step in a process. I hope we might be able to open a dialogue someday, but I understand that it might not be what you want. Or what's best for both of us.
I suppose only time will tell. Until then…
Yours,
Edward
PS- If you need or want to contact me, the best way is through my lawyer. He will be able to find me no matter where my life & recovery might take me.
Jason Jenks, Esq.
1404 E. Yesler Way #103
Seattle, WA 98122
206-555-3043
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