A/N: Thank you so much for the overwhelming support! I hope you all like this chapter buuuuut it's not the one where Oliver finds out. That's coming next, I promise! This just shows the strain of keeping everything from Oliver and the others and how she is trying to navigate this sea of uncertainty when she really has no idea what she's doing.

Next chapter things get real!

"Aggressive stage 4 non-Hodgkin lymphoma."

She slid the pamphlet across the table to the detective. It was the first time she had ever said those words out loud. They sounded casual, as if she were talking about anyone else except her.

He made a grunt to show that he heard her and began reading the pamphlet in earnest. She sipped her coffee and waited for him to finish. She had already memorized the words the night before, she didn't need it anymore.

"So what next?" He asked, slipping the paper into his inner jacket pocket at her nod of permission.

"I don't know."

"They didn't tell you?"

She cracked a smile at that.

"Oh, they told me. They told me lots of things. More things than I can probably remember, if we're being honest, which is impressive because my memory is borderline eidetic and I have a knack for remembering things, but mostly numbers I guess. Oddly enough, they didn't even tell me any numbers yesterday. Maybe I could ask for some of those."

"Maybe."

She paused, inhaling deeply before just taking the plunge. "Listen, I don't even know if this is okay to be telling you, or if you even want to know but the fact of the matter is that I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this and I know that it's my fault because I'm not telling anyone but I just don't know how or when and I'm sure I'm going to have to soon, but-"

"You can say whatever you want to say, kid. I don't know what I'm doing here either, but go ahead and spit it out."

"All these treatments and stuff and surgeries, well, they're supposed to start as soon as possible. But when that is depends on if I end up getting…" She gestured wildly to the front of her body.

"End up...getting...a new heart?"

She closed her eyes before just blurting it out. "It depends on if I want to get my eggs harvested so that I can have kids after treatment."

Detective Lance let out a low breath but to his credit, his face gave away no suggestion that he might feel even the slightest bit uncomfortable with the topic.

"And you uh, want to? Or you don't want to? Or you...can't?"

"I have no idea what I want to do. I just...that's a big decision. I never really thought about it or considered it, really. With what I do for our friend, I kind of assumed…."

"That what? That you'd die before you had kids?" Lance looked more than a little upset at her train of thought. "The hell you will!"

"I just never thought I'd have to deal with this decision is all." Not 100% true, but she didn't want to make him any more upset than he already was.

"Well don't you think you should be having this conversation with, you know. ...Aren't you and our friend more than friends?" Now he did look uncomfortable, but it only lasted for a moment before Felicity realized what he was trying to say and burst out laughing.

"No! Not even a - no. We are not. We are friends, yes. But not...more. Not more than that."

"Whatever you say."

"I do say. I say that. And we are...no." She let out one last laugh before the severity of the situation settled back on her shoulders. "Unfortunately, that means that this is a me-decision. And I'm not historically great at those."

"Do you want to know what I think?"

"What you think about my ovaries?"

He gave her a scathing look as her question attracted attention from the two tables next to them. He smiled tightly at their neighbors before focusing back on Felicity.

"About kids."

She nodded, an apologetic smile drawing one out of him in return. She really was something.

"Even after...everything that I went through with my girls, and I mean...I went through more than what I even thought was possible. But even after all that, I wouldn't...I wouldn't change a thing, you hear me? They are the best things to ever happen to me and I might be biased, but I think they're one of the better things to ever happen to Starling City, too. And even after all those years, all those nights of not knowing - I never once regretted them. Not. Once."

She absorbed his words, mulling them over. She appreciated him giving her an opinion that wasn't a plea or an urge. It was just a father who loved his daughters.

"You wouldn't change anything?"

"Well, I might have had a tighter leash when it came to their choice in men, but besides that, no. Not one thing."

"You think I should do it." It wasn't a question.

"I think you would be an amazing parent. You're already pretty good at taking care of our citywide menace." He grew serious suddenly. "I think you should not let the idea that maybe you won't be around keep you from this. This is your life, not anyone else's. You're in control of what happens."

The thing was, to Felicity, this didn't feel anything like her life. It was like she was supposed to make all these huge, critical decisions, but she half expected to wake up from this nightmare soon, where it wouldn't matter at all.

Their coffee break turned into actually three hours, and she was happy to note that they didn't spend the entire time mulling over her diagnosis. He was happy to talk about some of the new detectives at the precinct and she even mentioned that she could do some consulting for the police department if they ever wanted to update their security into this century.

"Your sure you don't need me this afternoon?"

While a part of her wanted him to come with her just so she wouldn't be alone (and another part wanted him to go with her to see the look on everyone's faces when they assumed he was either her father or lover), she declined his offer regardless. He was right when he said that it was her life, and she needed to decide for herself. She needed to make this decision by herself.

She almost balked the second she walked through the door to the fertility clinic, but she surprised even herself by sticking around and asking questions that had come to her the night before. She had never contemplated too much about kids, never given it more than just a cursory thought, so she was as shocked as anyone when it hit her all of a sudden: she might not want them now, and she might not even want them in the future, but the idea of not even having the option? That's what shook her to her core.

There was just one small thing.

She would have to give herself injections. Daily. For up to three weeks.

Yikes.

"Were you ever afraid of needles?"

Felicity was spinning in her chair in the lair, waiting on some search results, watching Dig restock the med bay. Oliver was nearby, sharpening arrowheads and making small adjustments to his quiver, and Roy stretched out on the training mats playing what Felicity thought was Candy Crush on an iPad.

"Needles? Nah," Dig dismissed the thought. "Why, you thinking about getting a tattoo?"

"Funny. No. I just...I don't like being afraid of ridiculous things."

"You're afraid of kangaroos, Felicity," Oliver pointed out, not looking up.

"Animals shouldn't have pockets. Besides, I'm not going to run into a kangaroo anytime soon. But I run into needles all the time here."

"Maybe you should watch where you're going," Dig suggested. "The way I look at it is that yeah, there have been plenty of times that one needle by itself has killed someone."

"Not helping."

"But that doesn't even compare to the amount of times that one needle has saved a person's life. Tetanus shots, anti-venoms, adrenaline, flu vaccines," he ticked off one by one.

"You were almost killed by a flu vaccine."

"And I'm still not afraid of them. Am I amazing or what?"

"You're something," she muttered, resuming her spinning.

"I'm afraid of X-rays," Roy called out, surprising absolutely no one. "Radiation, man."

"Maybe you'll turn into the Hulk," Dig suggested.

"I kind of already am the Hulk."

"One chest X-ray is equivalent to about 30 or 40 hours of flying in an airplane, so it's really kind of negligible." Three pairs of eyes settled on her. "What, Roy is the only one allowed to read now?"

"How much radiation does that iPad give off?" Oliver asked casually, but gave Felicity a wink. Roy seemed to consider this for a second before closing the case and leaving it on a desk.

"I'm gonna go see if Thea needs any help."

"You're going to give him a complex," she scolded Oliver after Roy had disappeared upstairs.

"Kid's already got a complex."

"I wonder whose fault that is."

"You look good," Oliver commented Monday morning, leaning over her monitors, much to her consternation. "You look very...awake."

"Doesn't really work the opposite way, but I appreciate the effort," she told him with an easy smile.

She felt better, too. She had received some supplements from the hospital and in additional to the Tylenol regimen, her fevers were now under control and her night sweats were no longer waking her up. She knew that if anything, this was the walking ghost phase for her. This was her before phase. Before the treatments began, before she got poked and prodded forever, before she lost her...everything. It was only going to get worse for her. A sobering thought.

She was still pretty tired but she combated that with liberal amounts of coffee in the meantime. She was managing her symptoms, which was all she was expected to do at this stage.

She forced down another steak for lunch that day ("You still look pale," Oliver had argued. If only he knew.); she wasn't sure if the lack of an appetite was a symptom of the cancer or a symptom of her nerves. She had another appointment after work that day to meet her very own oncologist and she was terrified.

For a brief moment, she contemplated asking Oliver to come with her. But the idea of having to explain all of it to him at that moment was daunting, and besides, it wasn't like anything bad was going to happen. She was just going to make the plans to begin the fertility regimen and coordinate between that specialist and her new oncologist. Pretty standard stuff. She knew she had made the right decision when Oliver told her he had plans with Thea for dinner.

"You're more than welcome to join us," he offered. "Thea promises she's forgiven you for breaking the dress code."

"As much as I would love to, I have a thing."

"A thing?"

She echoed him in her mind. A thing? That was the best she could come up with?

"Yeah, a thing."

"A Lance thing?"

"Sometimes I have things that aren't Lance things." She felt a little bad using him as her excuse constantly. Oliver was going to start thinking he fell off the wagon or something when in reality, he was just being a good guy.

"A...date thing?"

"I wish," she muttered. That would be preferable to how she would be spending her evening.

"What?"

"No date. Just a thing."

"An alone thing? Do you need Dig?"

She stepped closer to him, putting a hand to his cheek. "You worry too much. Sometimes a thing is just a thing. Sometimes a thing is returning a few Red Box movies because you can't ever remember to take them back the next day."

"If you say so."

"I do. Have fun with Thea and tell her I said hi. And tell her I haven't worn those heels since the party in penance."

"I will not do that, but okay. I will see you later. Have fun doing your thing."

"You have fun with your thing. Or. Don't. Because that's not what I meant. Not that you can't do that! You're an adult, and you're not in a relationship, so it makes sense, not that its any of my business, but this has got to be the most awkward conversation we have ever had so I'm going to...not."

He opened his mouth a few times to respond but no words came out. He eventually settled for a sigh.

"Goodnight, Felicity."

Felicity spent the drive to the hospital mostly feeling guilty. Guilty for making Detective Lance carry this burden. Guilty for lying to Oliver and Dig, even Roy.

She didn't know exactly what was keeping her from telling Oliver. She knew for a fact that she would feel better. That he would know what do somehow. As it was, she spent most of her time weighing her decisions with what Oliver would think. For instance, meeting this new oncologist: she knew that once Oliver found out, he was going to demand that she see the best of the best. She was sure that she wasn't getting a slacker doctor, but she didn't think Oliver would see it that way. He would want to run background checks and financials. Then there was the egg harvesting, a phrase which made her feel more like a corn field than an actual human. Would Oliver be mad that she was postponing her treatment for such a selfish thing? Would he understand, and hold her hand as she dealt with it? Help her with the injections?

She wondered about all of that. The questions wouldn't answer themselves and more often than not, they kept her up at night. But she knew some things for certain. She knew that if - when - Oliver knew, that he would take it hard. He had already lost so many people. She knew that it would distract him, make him lose focus on what was really important in the city. He would want so badly to be the good guy and to help her, but he would just end up being torn between her illness and his responsibilities. He would feel awful, and it would be her fault.

But she knew she wasn't going to be able to hide it forever.

She didn't have an exact plan in her head as to when she would tell Team Arrow. Obviously before she began treatment, but when? And how? If she was being honest with herself, while she knew they would be supportive, she was a little afraid of how they might react. She didn't think she could handle the looks of pity.

Those thoughts carried her through her drive to the hospital and into Dr. Monroe's office. She was greeted by Dr. Monroe, Dr. Markowitz, and a new doctor that she assumed was going to be her oncologist. She had to admit, she didn't realize they came that young, or looked like that.

He was tall, probably in his early thirties, with dark hair that just had a little dash of silver on the sides. It was thick and full, and he ran his fingers through it routinely, sufficiently distracting her. He was thin but with rounded cheekbones and for some reason Felicity wanted to refer to him as 'jovial.' He introduced himself as Dr. Fox and she had to physically bite her tongue from saying what she was sure every other patient had ever said to him.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Miss Smoak."

"Please, you can call me Felicity. I'm sure you'll be seeing more than a lot of me soon enough." His smile faltered for just a moment as she realized what she had said. "I mean, X-rays and stuff. And examinations. I didn't mean anything else. I just meant that you're going to see like, my bones. And cells. Literally all of me. You will see me. Okay."

"It really isn't a nerves thing, is it dear?" Dr. Monroe mused.

The meeting proceeded normally, she assumed, after that. They did a high-level overview of some of the treatments she would be receiving and even briefly covered insurance issues. She was still pretty surprised when Dr. Fox asked her a question she hadn't been anticipating.

"Doctor Sandra Oakley at Starling Fertility contacted me today and informed me that she believed you would be going through with the egg harvesting program they have, is that correct?" She nodded. "Okay, I am in no way trying to sway your decision, but as your medical provider I do need to remind you of certain things. One, this will delay your treatment. It is important you understand that with an aggressive cancer such as yours, every minute counts. At this point, it is impossible for me to say whether two to four weeks will have an extreme impact, but I am required to tell you that it may. And two, we urge you not to make this decision lightly."

Felicity bristled at that. They thought she had made this decision lightly? She had lost countless hours of sleep ever since they had mentioned it to her and she had been in a constant state of conflict ever since. There was nothing light about this, unless you count her bank account, which she estimated would look more than a little pathetic after undergoing this procedure. But it was when they suggested that she consider an "ethical perspective," the idea that maybe she could knowingly leave her child motherless if her cancer came back that really riled her.

She sat back in her chair roughly, staring at the doctors that surrounded her. It took her a moment to gather her thoughts and come up with an eloquent response but when she did, she was happy with how strong her voice was.

"I have seen people lose their parents to boat wrecks and bombs and muggings and...and arrows," she bit out. "There's a possibility that my cancer comes back and kills me. But there's also a possibility that it kills me next month. Or next year. There's a possibility that I could get hit by a bus leaving here. So I don't need your ethics. What I need is for you to respect my decision to give myself the future that I want."

"Very well," Dr. Fox conceded. "No more questions will be asked on the subject. I will need you to go see Dr. Oakley as soon as possible in order to begin your treatment. I'll work in tandem with her in order to monitor your blood work and your progress. I know that you've been told this, but the hormones that you will be injecting into yourself have a possible side effect of thinning your blood, making the surgery to remove the diseased nodes as well as your spleen impossible until you have completed the procedure. You can expect that surgery to occur as early as two days after the egg harvesting."

Right. She had been told all that, but it might have been during her information overload blackouts.

"Do I need my spleen?"

Dr. Fox grinned at her, looking impossibly young. He seemed to have swept the whole fertility issue under the rug as easily as she hoped to. "Nah. Bonus organ."

Time started to move at an insane speed from then on out. A week later and she still hadn't told Oliver or Dig, and she was, much to her distaste, becoming more adept at injecting herself with hormones. The world was a whacky place.

She had been giving herself the injections in her abdomen for only four days. Every third day she would have to go in to the office and have a quick ultrasound and blood drawn. She had told Oliver the day before that she was getting an early lunch with Detective Lance to cover for her appointment, and he had actually held her shoulder and told her what a good thing she was doing.

She almost told him right then and there.

But it was never the right time, she argued to herself constantly. He was in the middle of a pretty big case, vigilante-wise, and QC's Applied Sciences project with the Chinese ex-pats was getting underway. Oliver was constantly stressed, and the little smiles he gave her when they had coffee together or worked together in the lair told Felicity that he needed a reprieve from his life, and badly. She didn't want to jeopardize that for him.

Detective Lance was now firmly on the 'tell the Arrow' bandwagon as well, but didn't seem as committed to telling Oliver Queen, oddly enough. He felt that she could benefit more from one's presence over the other, a fact that could draw a smile out of Felicity any day of the week. They met up for coffee every other day, at his insistence, not her's, where he would casually try to pressure her into telling people about her diagnosis or even to allow him to accompany her to appointments. She drew the line at having him at the fertility clinic, but told him that he could definitely keep her company when she began treatment, if he wanted.

It was a Tuesday afternoon when a woman in a smart pantsuit cornered her at her desk.

"Miss Smoak, I'm Evelyn Joyner. I'm the head of QC, Inc's Human Resources department." She shook her hand, confused by her presence but polite regardless. "Do you have a few minutes to speak with me about something important?"

"Uh, sure! Just let me tell Oli- Mr. Queen that I'm stepping away from my desk." Felicity stood up and knocked on Oliver's glass door, more of a pretense for their unexpected guest than for his benefit. "Mr. Queen, I have to take a minute with Ms. Joyner, from HR. Is that okay?"

"That is perfectly fine, Miss Smoak." She narrowed her eyes at him. "Don't forget to offer her some coffee."

Turning her shoulders so that Evelyn couldn't see her, Felicity mimed slicing her throat to Oliver, to which he just laughed. She directed Evelyn to the conference room next door and knowing that Oliver could read lips easily, she positioned Ms. Joyner with her back to Oliver. She could almost see him deflate.

"Miss Smoak, just so you know, first and foremost, everything we say inside these walls is confidential."

Oh God, did she accidentally sexually harass someone again? It had only happened once before when her mouth had ran away from her and she had unintentionally mentioned a fellow IT colleague's fake boobs, but she had thought that had been swept under the rug.

"Ooookay."

"I just need you to sign some FMLA paperwork. Your doctor will send us his signed copy whenever you begin your leave of absence."

"Leave of what-sence?" Felicity felt her heart start to run away from her, the blood draining out of her face. Did this woman know? Out of everyone at QC, how did this woman in a pantsuit know?

"You signed this paperwork, did you not?" She slid over a manila folder and inside, sure enough, she found her signature. She had signed so many damn forms when getting tested and poked that she really wasn't all that surprised to see it. But as she glossed over it, she realized that it didn't actually say her diagnosis. It just simply said 'medical leave.' Her relief was short lived.

"Now, these are unusual circumstances, but QC offers some unusual benefits. We have been in contact with our insurance company in regards to some treatments that may be available to you."

"Treatments."

"Yes. For instance, egg harvesting." Now Felicity knew that she was going to pass out. There was no doubt in her mind. Her ears started clanging and spots danced in front of her eyes. She quickly remembered Dig's advice and put her head between her legs, hands clasped behind her head and she pushed back into them. She wasn't sure why, but it did quiet the noise in her head and allow her to breathe more easily.

She looked up and was unsurprised to see Oliver standing at the door, looking in. His eyes were questioning but she shook her head minutely. She didn't need him right now, despite how much she might've wanted him in there.

"How do you know…?" She whispered.

"You signed a disclosure form, allowing your insurance to talk to us on your behalf. It's the second page in the folder-"

"I'm sure I did," she ground out, frustrated with herself. "What do you need to tell me?" She had already paid $3,000 out of pocket for the treatments. She was going to have to sell one of her handmade computers at home to get the rest of the cash - about $12,000 for the procedure and anesthesia - but she could do it. She would do it.

"While egg harvesting is no longer considered experimental by the government, it isn't widely covered by insurance, including the plan that we currently have at Queen Consolidated. However, it does fall under a different category of 'innovative treatments.' QC, as the leader in medical, science, and technological advancements, has an allotment every year for these."

"You're saying you'd pay for my treatment?" She felt hope burgeoning inside of her. QC's insurance was good - great, even - but this was unprecedented. "All of it?"

"Well, QC would, possibly, yes."

"How? How does this work?"

"It just needs to be approved and then we will file the claim for you. Nothing you have to do on your end."

She froze.

"Approved by who?"

"The head of HR, which is me, and then the CEO and the CFO."

Felicity took a deep breath before shutting the folder in front of her a little more forcefully than was necessary and sliding it back across the table.

"No thank you."

"I-I'm sorry?"

"I'm not interested in having QC cover that treatment."

"Miss Smoak, let me assure you that we have not had any other claims this year that qualify for this. The funds are available, and with your situation what it is, I have no reason to believe you wouldn't be approved."

Felicity stood. "I understand, but I am really not interested. Thank you for taking the time to meet with me and I'll be sure to have my doctor stay on top of my absence paperwork."

The woman stood as well, gathering her papers in front of her, still looking a little confused at the change of direction the conversation had.

"Very well then."

Felicity stopped her at the door, a hand on her forearm.

"I don't want this being brought to Mr. Queen under any circumstances, do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, Miss Smoak. I meant it when I said that everything discussed was confidential. Have a good day."

"You too." She didn't have any time to process what had just happened - what had almost just happened - because the second Evelyn Joyner was out of view, Oliver was by her side. She knew he had only pretended to work ever since her she had to forcibly calm herself down, his eyes darting to the conference room every other second. He wasn't nearly as sneaky as he thought he was.

"Are you okay? What happened in there? What did she want?"

"I'm fine," she reassured him, although she felt anything but. Her heart was still beating rapidly and she felt hot, cold, and clammy, all at the same time. She wanted to sit down and take some Tylenol and drink some water, but Oliver's body blocked her path. "One of my doctors from a few weeks back was out of network is all."

"And that made you almost pass out?"

"You would too if you saw that co-pay." A voice in her head screamed for her to tell him, that this was the perfect time, but she couldn't get her mouth to stop lying. "Luckily, she thinks I've already met my deductible this year so I won't have to pay the whole thing."

"Hey," he put his hand on her shoulder, his thumb doing that small stroking thing that made her lose her mind. "You know I'd pay it if you needed me to, right? There's no amount of money that I wouldn't spend to keep you healthy."

"I know. You're a good man Oliver Queen."

Too good, her mind yelled. Maybe it was for the best that he didn't know. At least for now.