Author Fun Story Time: Hi friends! It's me again. So, I'm actually pretty sick right now and battling a viral infection. But I couldn't not update! It's Christmas time, damn it! You need chapters! I have a job to do! That being said, I didn't really edit/proof read this so I apologize in advance.
I also want to bring Ash out of her depression, or rather, start bringing her out. But don't worry. We're not done torturing ourselves with sadness!
Also, I tried something different so... hopefully it pays off. (PS. Did you notice that the chapter titles are kind-of spoilery?)
And seriously. Y'all are too kind to me. You're so kind with your reviews and it's really lifting my spirits while I'm dying over here.
Reviews:
Alter Ego bob: Thank you so very much! I'll keep trying to update as much as I can. Currently, I've slowed down just a tad at this part. Mainly because I'm sick lol. But I'm trying! Thanks for reviewing!
Warnaudrey: They're good peeps, the best peeps even
Ravenclauses: Their friendship is pure and wonderful!
Guest: Oh they'll see each other again, don't you worry! Will it be a good reunion? Well…
Sapphist: Oh he is so not going to be happy about Poe!
Guest: We'll definitely be seeing Ash struggle more and more. While this chapter has a sense of hope, it's not going to be rainbows and sunshine!
SoulSpeak: Here's your update! And yeah, Poe and Ash do have chemistry which could totally screw other stuff up and make a Force User across the galaxy super duper jealous… but you didn't hear that from me!
Ellipse27: I know, hopefully she'll pull through and maybe reunite with Kylo Ren soon!
Guest: BB-8 is the best! Leia is a hopeful person whom loves her son. So hopefully her hope is warranted!
Kuppcake: I definitely wasn't going to spoil anything, so no worries there! The weird thing is, I've had these chapters written for weeks now, and I might be able to predict the future, some stuff was in the story that oddly enough was in the movie kind-of. But again! I don't directly spoil anything and will totally warn y'all if anything makes an appearance!
Thumbellina: Thank you!
Hopeeee: I'm so glad you found my story too and that you're enjoying it! Thank you so much!
CrystalDragonMaster: Thank you so much!
Let's booboo!
Each day was a new struggle for Ashlyn; with the annoying "help" from Poe Dameron and his buddy, BB-8, she felt an even bigger strain on herself. He kept trying to break down the walls she had been hiding behind. However, in doing so, he only endangered himself in Ashlyn's eyes. She had to work twice as hard to not accidentally hurt him, or worse.
Ash shifted into a dark place she never imagined she'd end up. In fear of feeling that darkness surrounding her, she tried her hardest to not use the Force as much as possible. She was also afraid of who could get hurt if she did. That must have been a sign of some sort that she still had light in her, right? She had never felt so connected and disconnected all at once before. Now, her internal struggle was taking over. The more she used the Force, the more of a pull to the darkside she felt.
There was also the battle of the light that still resided somewhere within her. A war between the darkness that was consuming her and the light that wanted to bring her back from it all. Now she understood what he meant by how easy a grey Force User could be swayed. Granted, he was the one to tip the scale in the first place and pushed her to the dark.
Ash tried not to think about him; it was proving to be more difficult than she could have ever imagined. She was grateful that Poe had taken the time to give her work, while unknowingly feeding into her bad habits. Most days, it worked and Ashlyn could function long enough to feel the weight of the darkness shift off her shoulders. Today, hadn't been one of those days. She couldn't help but think about him; miss him. In turn, it shut her down as the weight of it all crushed her very being.
Maybe someday, she'd be ready to face it. She knew the only way to pull herself back was to use the Force properly and not let the darkness overcome her. It was easier said than done as she continued to fall apart at the seams.
General Leia Organa had a lot on her plate as of the recent events happening around D'Qar. Over a month ago she was in contact with someone she had never expected to hear from again. Her own flesh in blood, the Commander of the First Order. Her son, whom was conflicted with the light and dark, and his own place in the galaxy. That same son who had fallen so far into that darkness that she feared he'd never emerge from.
Then, Ashlyn happened. Leia could always sense Kylo Ren across the galaxy, wherever he was. That mother-son bond was something not so easily broken. While she couldn't get a sense of exactly where he was or what he had been feeling, she did get a sense of the internal conflict and shift within him. Something was pulling him up from the darkness and bringing him back to the light. She had no idea what that something could have been until the fateful day when Kylo Ren appeared to her in a panic. No, it wasn't Kylo Ren. It was her son, Ben Solo, reaching out to her. He needed her help and had no other place to turn to. He needed his mother.
Leia was more than happy to assist, granted, that lingering fear of this being a trap never left her mind as the arrangement was made. To her relief, it hadn't been. However, what waited for her inside the transport unit was something else. A girl; lost in a whirlwind of conflict. She had never seen a grey user before. The concept of one always seemed like a myth; an old ghost story to give a place to those within the struggle. Yet, the moment the tides changed and this girl began to suffer, Leia realized that grey wasn't too impossible any longer.
Now, she had another problem on her hands. Ashlyn was dangerously out of control in her current state. Grey users didn't drastically shift sides like she had, it was easy for the darkness to talk hold of her and rip her to pieces. Leia wanted nothing more than to tell her the truth, help bring Ashlyn back to the light. Yet, there was that fear that it would do more harm than good, as per her son's warning.
Luckily, a different hero came to her aid then. Poe Dameron had taken it upon himself to pull Ashlyn out of the darkness and be the beacon of light to get her there. He was exactly what she needed then, even if she was unwilling to accept it. She was going to need all the help she could get. Unfortunately, Leia didn't have much time to give all her effort to this cause. The First Order was still on their doorstep, the Republic was doing something shady, and everything was a mess. She could only pray that their last hope, Luke Skywalker, could find his way home. Everything would be much easier if he were around.
Poe Dameron realized fairly quickly that the only way to get Ashlyn out of her room was to give her something to fix. She had a knack for it; a gift in taking whatever broken thing he gave her and creating something new from it. Little did Poe know it was her coping mechanism. The harder Ashlyn worked, the more likely she was able to push out any regrettable thoughts. So every day for the following week, Poe would give Ashlyn something to do; from something small to potentially major. It didn't matter, it kept her busy and Ash was slowly coming out of her shell. At least, when it came to Poe Dameron and his funny little droid, BB-8.
She kept denying him dinner in the mess hall; she wasn't ready for such a commitment to a nice gesture…. Or exposure to the rest of the base. Her resolve still shaky. Opening up and trusting again was not something Ashlyn could comprehend right now… or maybe even ever. While she couldn't find any thoughts of the nearby habitants on D'Qar to have any malicious intent toward her; she was still uneasy. She also hated that Poe had such good intentions. Of course, he did. He was the hero as she so flatly stated. What did that make her in everyone's eyes then? The villain by association.
Poe noticed a change in Ashlyn towards the end of the week. She began to carry her lightsaber around again. At first, he thought it was a cause for alarm. Then he realized, it was an extension of her own being. The fact that she did bring it around again showed she was getting comfortable. Or rather as comfortable as anyone in her predicament could.
She was becoming less and less hostile as each day went and by the end of her first month on the base, she was leaving her room more and more. Granted, it was mostly Poe's doing.
Leia tried to reach out to Ashlyn and help bring back the light she was so dangerously losing. Some days were better than others; most of the bad days were times that Leia wanted to give Ashlyn the truth about everything. She was viciously wedged between a rock and hard place. She was at least thankful that Poe Dameron, after such a rocky beginning, had taken it upon himself to help the girl. He was chosen as her Commander for a reason, after all.
Poe and Ashlyn were outside again today, this time he brought to her a broken stairlift. He was running out of things for her to fix, it showed. Yet, Ashlyn didn't truly mind. "What is your favorite starship to have ever worked on?"
Ash thought for a moment as she turned the wrench tighter around a lug nut on the tire of the stairlift. "I once got to work on a Chir'daki."
"No way!" Poe exclaimed; not believing her. "You did not get your hands on a Deathseed."
Ash scoffed. "Believe it, hero." She mused dryly. "To be fair, it wasn't in its original state. A lot of parts and pieces were replaced by parts outside of the typical things you normally find in one. But, it was in the shop for a while."
"I can only imagine how ugly it looked." Poe marveled with a chuckle.
"Oh, it was awful." Ash joined his excitement. "It flew so well though. Hardly any issues." As quickly as her excitement came, it was gone. Ash reeled it in and returned her focus to the stairlift.
Poe inhaled sharply, watching her retract into herself again. "I know it's not my place, and I'm hoping this doesn't backfire but, whatever it is; you can talk to me about it." Poe reminded her sincerely. "I won't even say a word when you do, I'll stay quiet if you just need to get it out." He explained. "I just want to help."
Ash stopped working on the stairlift; her expression blank as she looked at Poe. He knew he screwed up, he could just tell. His good intentions backfiring right in front of him as he waited for Ash to freak out or run. She didn't. Instead, she took in his panic. For the first time in awhile, she used the Force in a deeper sense. She used it to feel Poe Dameron's intentions without delving too deep into his mind. At first, the shadow overcame her. Using as much willpower within her, she forced the darkness out and channeled as much light as she could muster. He meant it, every word. He was looking out for her best interest, to help bring her back to the light, even if he didn't understand what that meant.
"I'm sorry, I overstepped." Poe stammered.
"Want to go to the mess hall?" Ash asked suddenly, watching all the color drain from Poe's cheeks only to return after the shock wore off.
Poe looked to BB-8; a victorious expression on his face that held no malice or condescending nature, but more of a Holy crap we did it, we got Ashlyn to be a person again way. "Hear that buddy? She wants to hang out with us!" To which Ash rolled her eyes at. Poe didn't take any chances in allowing Ashlyn to back out and insisted they head to the mess hall right away. He knew she was making progress, albeit very slow progress.
"So, Ashlyn-" Poe began as the two sat in the mess hall. "I can call you that? Or do you prefer First Order?" He was kidding, of course.
"Ash is fine." She reminded him flatly, looking down at the tray of food in front of her. The room was huge and no one really seemed to pay any attention to the obvious misfit in the room. Unlike StarKiller, no one really had anything malicious to say or think. That was almost a relief to the girl.
Poe tried to start another conversation, anything to get the girl talking. "Do you need to train or something with the Force? Or is it just something that happens naturally?"
"I need to train to become stronger." Ash explained with some disinterest.
"Practice makes perfect, I guess." Poe said with a nod. "What do you need to do to train? Lift weights or something? Do some puzzles?" He was trying to make her laugh.
It worked just enough where Ashlyn smiled at his ridiculous question. "Not exactly. I need to focus and connect with the world around me. Sure, practicing combat and the physical aspect is helpful too."
"You have a daily routine for it, I assume." Poe asked.
Ash sighed heavily at that. "I've been avoiding it." She admitted.
"Why's that?" His heart was in the right place in asking, however, Ashlyn wasn't ready for that.
"I'd rather pretend it doesn't exist within me anymore. I don't want to know where my place in all of this is. I want to go back to being simply Ashlyn Novafall." That feeling of dread and anxiety came back. In her mind, if she shut out the Force, maybe it wouldn't hurt as bad. Maybe she could go back to the simple things. He had told her once that she couldn't be just Ashlyn Novafall anymore, her purpose was important. But maybe he was lying about that too. Ash became consumed in her thoughts that she almost didn't hear BB-8 beep.
"I know, buddy." Poe agreed. "She is sad; it's probably us. I don't think she likes us very much." BB-8 blipped sadly.
Ash's eyes went wide as she paid attention once more. "I didn't say that." She tried to not offend the droid.
"So, you do like us?" Poe exclaimed excitedly; BB-8 beeping just as feverently.
Ash sighed. "You're impossible, you know that?" As the sentence escaped her lips, Ash felt remorse. The last time she said… it was about him. Her heart began to ache all over again.
Poe noticed, as did the droid. "Hey, I was only kidding." He explained, now in a panic of his own. "I didn't mean to offend you."
"You didn't." Ash said quickly. "Look, thanks for this." She motioned to her tray and the mess hall. "But I have to go."
Poe's expression dropped. "Are you sure? You can stay, we can talk about something else."
"I'm fine!" Ash snapped as she stood up from her seat across from Poe; she looked like she had something else to say, an apology maybe? Ultimately, she chose not to as she turned and left the mess hall. The weight from the dark side pulling down on her, dragging her further and further down the rabbit hole. While Poe decided to give her space, BB-8 was determined to help.
The BB unit followed Ashlyn towards her room, chirping as he did. Ash sighed at his comment. "I told you, I'm fine." His beeping didn't believe her. "What did I mean by pretending the Force doesn't exist?" She asked, receiving a confirming blip. "Because it's caused nothing but trouble. It's ruined my life; if I don't use it and let it die maybe it'll go away." BB-8 beeped once more, Ash couldn't help it. The immediate and sudden pull to a darkness she wasn't aware was in her. "You and Poe need to stop, okay? Just stop!" She shouted at the droid. "I want to be left alone, I don't want your help, it's unwarranted. I don't want you around, get it through your thick, metal head." The anger coursed through her body; the weight of the dark pulling her down deeper and deeper as she turned away from the droid and stormed to her room. Ashlyn Novafall was sinking.
Her chest clenched tighter as she entered her room, but not before punching the door when it closed. She wanted to be left alone, she wanted to suffer in silence. Ash put her back against the cold, metal door and slid down to the floor. Her head resting on her knees as she tried to find some balance within her. She felt only darkness. She knew it was there; tempting and taunting her. In her darkest moment, Ashlyn was ready to give up.
Without training, she had no way of fighting against the dark side. The Force didn't want that. The Force had plans for the girl, and the Force wasn't going to give up without a war. Ash felt it when she realized she was no longer alone in the room. She lifted her head quickly, blood rushing from the sudden movement. In front of her was a man she had never seen before. He was tall with shaggy hair, a scar over his right eye, and a charming, yet sympathetic smile on his lips as he looked down at her. The weird part about it, even though he was glowing blue, Ashlyn didn't feel alarmed. This seemed normal; comforting. Either that, or she had completely lost it. She was leaning more towards the latter.
"A grey user, this is interesting." He stated.
Ash scoffed. "I'm not grey. I'm not anything." Who was she trying to convince here?
"You and I both know that's not true."
She did. She knew who she was supposed to be, or rather what the Force expected her to be. However, she wasn't quite there yet. She was struggling to bring herself back, struggling to fight for her own sanity. She didn't have it in her anymore; the fight to return to the grey side of things. At least, it felt like she didn't. Ash's voice trembled slightly. "Are you real, or am I going crazy?"
"That's a normal response when someone sees a ghost, but I am actually here. Don't worry."
Ash made a face. "I can see ghosts now? What's not to worry about?"
He chuckled. "The Force likes to send us out when things are going really, really bad. And things are really, really bad." Ash's frown didn't soften at that. "I'm here to tell you it's going to be alright."
"Who are you to tell me that?" Ash didn't believe him, she couldn't. "You think by saying 'it's okay' is going to just magically make it all stop?"
"No, but I understand what you're feeling as someone who had the same struggle you have now. While I wasn't necessarily grey, I was dragged into darkness. It's not over, you're not meant to be in that darkness. The Force knows it, and I think you do too."
"I don't want this anymore." Ash said sincerely, the hurt and pain coming out in her voice. "It's too painful; I hate feeling everything."
"But you do have this life, Ashlyn. You have something special, you have something worth fighting for."
"And what is that?"
He smiled. "I can't give you all the answers. You need to figure some of them out for yourself. I'm only here to help you along the way."
"Talking in riddles is not helpful at all." Ash groaned.
"The less you focus and the less you use the Force to bring yourself back, the more the dark will win. You are going to bring balance to this war; to this power struggle-" The way he talked about the struggle, she thought of Kylo Ren. "Find balance. Find yourself again. The people here, they'll help you do that. Once you're strong enough, and you will be, you'll know what you need to do."
The Force was dropping the answers right on her lap. It had something for her; it knew something about her that Ashlyn didn't even know about herself. She had a purpose, she was important for so many reasons. She couldn't give in now. As hard as it was to move on, the ghost was right, she had to fight. While she didn't understand what she was fighting for, something in her that had been there all along told her as much. She was a fighter, she was going to pull through. She just needed to accept that. "You never answered me." Ash quietly informed him, as the weight of it all sank in. "Who are you?"
His mischievous smirk came to view and Ashlyn could have sworn she knew him. He was so familiar to her. "You can call me Anakin."
Ash nodded, the name unfamiliar but it felt like she had known him all along. "What if I can't do what is needed of me? What if I keep drowning in the darkness."
"You've had the light all along; just remember what it is and pull yourself back." Anakin began to fade then, Ashlyn's face contorted to one of panic as she quickly got to her feet, rushing to where the ghost had been.
"Don't go!" She reached out to the ghost, unsure if it really made a difference or not that she had. "I still need you."
"I'll be here to guide you, don't worry." Anakin said truthfully. "When you're ready, you'll know how to contact me." He was gone.
Ash stood completely still, unsure of everything that had just come to pass. The Force had a plan for her and she had strayed so far from it. Yet, Anakin had been right. She was not meant for darkness and she was certain she would never be fully light. She was grey and she was going to fight her way out and accomplish her purpose… whatever the hell that was.
She was staring at a bookcase; it looked familiar but Ash couldn't quite place why or what the significance of it was. The bookcase was pretty normal; nothing really stood out about it except that it was full. The books ranged from thin to absurdly thick; in alphabetical order it seemed. Each book different colors; some old and worn and some brand new. However, one book in particular did stand out. It was a dark maroon colored book with a gold trim. Something about this book called to her like it wanted to be held; a need to be read and seen. As she reached out for it, she felt herself being pulled to the waking world.
Ash woke with no fanfare; she simply woke from her dream. A Force vision, something she hadn't really had in the last month. Not since her immediate and chaotic departure from StarKiller. The Force was unrelenting in its means to get her back on track. Ash decided to humor it then. Besides, she was certain seeing ghosts wasn't exactly normal. It was better to listen and obey the Force for now.
She also felt something else that morning; guilt. She felt guilty over how she snapped at Poe and BB-8. They were only trying to help, she realized that now. She began to realize a lot of things as the veil of darkness became somewhat easier to see through. She was aware now, more aware than she had been over her dire need to return to grey status she clung to dearly and she'd be damned if anyone got in her way. Even the dark Force User thousands of light years away.
Ash dressed for the day and thought of a million apologies in her brain that she could say to the droid and the pilot. Although none of them seemed worthy enough in her mind. With a defeated sigh, she grabbed her saber and attached it to her belt and went for the door. As the door slid opened, she was greeted by the shocked face of Poe Dameron, mere seconds before he knocked. "Oh, uh…" He began. "Hey, Ash." Ash looked down to see BB-8 next to him; they both had come. "I just came to apolo-"
"I'm sorry." She abruptly interrupted him, making Poe's jaw fall slack in shock. "To both of you. I'm sorry for how I've been this past month. You're both are only trying to help and I wasn't ready just yet to take it." She explained. "I'm ready now. It's time to bring myself back to the right side of things."
Poe blinked a few times, trying to process her apology as quickly as possible. He hadn't been expecting that. In fact, he expected the opposite. He expected her to freak out and shut down again. This was a welcomed surprise. "That's great to hear, Ash. The General will be happy to hear it too."
"I also want to talk to her." Ash admitted. "Privately, if I can." Poe was a tad skeptical. "She's the only one on this base who has some semblance of understanding with the Force."
Poe nodded. "You're right. I can get you some time with her. I'm sure she'll be happy to speak with you."
Ash smiled, appreciative of his commitment to helping her. She then crouched down to face BB-8. She forced an apologetic smile, nervous that she had really offended her first friend on this base. "Hey… I'm sorry. If there's anyone I should be grateful to, it's you. You've been so kind to me and I'm sorry for how I treated you." BB-8 beeped excitedly. "You got it, buddy. If I can get the parts, we'll get you some sweet upgrades. It's the least I can do." The chirp said it all as Ash and Poe laughed.
Ash stood up again, the smile on her face was something Poe never thought he'd see; she was happy. At least, as happy as she could have been in that moment. It was the progress he had been hoping for and in that moment, he knew Ashlyn Novafall was going to be okay. Maybe not right now, but someday she would be.
Final Thought: Yeah. I fucking threw in Anakin Skywalker. I told you, I'm sick and dying. Also, since Luke isn't here to help her, someone has to right?! Why not a Force Ghost that gets it?! Okay, I'm gonna go die now. Remember to review, don't hate me too much. Merry Christmas and I love y'all!