There is only one way to make the 60th chapter a memorable one. We finally see the missing letter at the end of this chapter. I will let you all respond to it before we see Elliot and Olivia's reactions. Here we go!

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60. The Letter

The name Rebecca Hendrix didn't mean anything to Elliot, and Kathy wasn't sure either. She only knew he'd had several appointments with a female psychologist or psychiatrist over the course of a few weeks.

"Why did you think of that person Liv?" Elliot asked Olivia.

Olivia shrugged, trying for a casual attitude.

"Well, she's the only psychiatrist you ever had any kind of faith in as far as I know. Aside from George maybe, but he would have told us."

Elliot watched Olivia's body language as she spoke and couldn't help smiling inwardly a little.

"Is that so?" he asked her. "I had faith in this psychiatrist?"

"Yeah. She showed up one day during an investigation and you kept asking her to tag along, get a read on our suspect, help with our case. Stuff like that."

Elliot nodded slowly. Olivia was looking away, apparently trying to find Maria the waitress but he'd seen the uneasiness in her eyes when she'd spoken of this doctor Hendrix. He could hardly believe it, but his gut seemed to tell him that Olivia was actually showing signs of jealously towards the woman. Just how much faith had he had in this person, he wondered. This was hardly the time or place to ask Olivia about it but he definitely planned on talking to her about it soon. For now, he needed to get as much information as possible from his ex-wife.

"Did I ever tell you what I talked about with this psychiatrist?"

"Usually when you got home and I asked how it went, you'd just say it went fine," Kathy told him. "Only you drank a lot too after each session, and then you'd go on an on again ab ... about Olivia."

She had added the last words softly, and Elliot could tell that it must have hurt her that he had been talking about Olivia so much. They had still been married at the time, after all.

"What kinds of things would I say?" he asked her, trying not to be too pushy, but he really wanted to know, and so did Olivia.

The brunette was leaning forward, her elbows on the table and her eyes trained on Kathy's face. Olivia had missed him so much then and he still didn't understand completely how he could have shut her out like that. They always used to lean on each other, so why hadn't he talked to her this time? Had he really been on his way to become a murderer? For her? He focused on Kathy again when she tried to answer his question.

"You weren't making sense half the time but sometimes you'd be angry with Olivia, and other times you were angry with yourself. Or you were terrified that you'd kill somebody again. You had really bad dreams too and slept in the guest room a lot. I'd hear you waking up upset, but whenever me or Liz went to check on you, you'd always say you were fine and to just go back to sleep."

"So talking to this psychiatrist didn't help much," Elliot remarked.

"I don't know what you and she talked about Elliot," Kathy said. "But after a while, you came home from a session and told me you'd decided to retire from the NYPD. You never went back to the shrink after that, so I just assumed she had helped you reach a decision."

"Cragen told me you'd put in your papers in August. That was almost three months after the shooting," Olivia added.

Elliot felt bad for her. He hadn't responded to her calls and visits for three months. He could only imagine, given the picture Kathy had painted of him during those months, that everything had been a blur to him, and he hadn't really had a sense of time.

"And then what?" he asked his former wife.

Kathy sighed and placed her hands on the table, palms down.

"I had hoped you'd calm down after making that decision. And in a way you did, but you started withdrawing completely. You hardly talked to us at all anymore, only to Eli. And then after a few weeks ... you wrote that letter."

"Asking Olivia to meet me," Elliot added.

"Among other things."

Elliot frowned.

"What else was in the letter Kathy?" he urged.

He needed to know. He had a right to know, and so did Olivia. To his surprise, Kathy picked up her purse and opened it.

...

She still had the letter? After all this time? Olivia couldn't believe it and looked at Elliot, whose eyes had gone wide like hers.

"I wanted to destroy it but it was like something was telling me not to. I ... I know how bad this looks but I was desperate."

All the fight had left Kathy and she was just an insecure, trembling shadow of the fierce and angry woman Olivia had encountered at the hospital just a few days earlier. She pulled out a wrinkled piece of paper and looked at it for a second before handing it to Olivia. Olivia had expected Kathy to give the letter to Elliot and was surprised.

"It's addressed to you," Kathy said quietly, still looking at the paper, that had clearly been wadded up a few times and then smoothed out again.

Olivia took the letter from her trembling hand like it was the most valuable treasure she'd ever touched. Elliot's letter to her, written in 2011. Her heart was pounding fast and she looked at Elliot. He should read it too. He was also staring at the piece of paper and then looked into her eyes, reading the question there. He nodded slowly, telling her silently that she should read it first. She asked him if he was sure and he told her he was, all without speaking a single word to each other.

"God ..." the heard Kathy whisper and both of their heads turned simultaneously to look at her.

Kathy shook her head and sat back in her seat.

"There's no competing with that," she said, gesturing at them. "This unspoken shorthand between the two of you. It's almost creepy. I'll be out of your hair after today Olivia. I promise. You were right."

Olivia bit her lip. She knew what Kathy was referring to. They couldn't make someone love them. She hadn't made Elliot love her. It had just happened. And Kathy was accepting it at last.

"Just read the letter."

Olivia looked at Elliot one more time and then unfolded the wrinkly piece of paper to read the words, written in a handwriting that was all too familiar to her.

...

September 17, 2011

Olivia,

You must be wondering why I decided to send you a letter after ignoring your calls. I'm sorry. I needed some time to clear my head and think about things. I know you stopped by the house a few times. I wasn't ready to face you then and I hope I can explain to you why.
I've been told a few times now that it was a good shoot when I shot Jenna, but deep down I know it wasn't. Technically it was but my reason for pulling the trigger wasn't the right reason. I fired because I was terrified. Not for my own life or that of those scumbags in the cage, but for yours. You know we've been there before, with Gitano. And I told you then, that we could never choose each other over the job again. Otherwise, we couldn't be partners.

Liv, I did it again. I shot Jenna for you. And as much as I hate myself for it, I don't regret it. That is why I had to quit. I needed to quit now, or my next shooting would not be a good one. I let a boy die because of you. I killed a girl because of you. And I would commit murder for you. I can't let it get that far and I can't put that burden on you. Please know that I know that this is all on me. These were my choices and I will never blame you for my mistakes. Never again.

I thought it would be for the best to stay away from you. I knew I was hurting you but I thought I had to, to spare you even more pain in the future. I was afraid to face you and to face the man you bring out in me. (Again, not on you!)

To be honest, I don't know how to go on. I can't carry a gun again. I know I've shut you out for way too long and I know I was wrong. I just hope you can forgive me. You are my best friend and I need you. I don't want to stay away anymore. I noticed you have stopped calling and I understand. Will you please meet me at our diner on September 24 so we can talk? I'll be waiting for you there all day. I'm not going to call you or text you or bother you in any way. I'm choosing to write to you just this once, to give you all the space you need to decide what you want to do. If you choose not to come, I will try to understand. I know you need to go on with your life and I know you are not done at SVU. Maybe you are better off without me, and if you have moved on, I am happy for you.

I miss you. If only you knew how much. I know the end of my marriage is near. I don't blame Kathy, she's given it her all. I can't say I did the same. I tried, but my heart just isn't in it anymore because I lost it to someone else along the way. Whether you decide to meet me or not, my heart will always belong to you.

Semper Fi

Your partner

Elliot

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