So, I'm al little surprised that several of my readers don't seem to know (or have forgotten) that Elliot indeed went to Rebecca for help in May, 2005. The viewers saw it, only Olivia didn't know. So this fact in itself is not suspicious. In that light, a word about Olivia's jealousy slash possessiveness: FYI, I trust my husband 100% yet there are a few women I don't trust around him. It's a gut feeling and fortunately, my husband listens to my gut in these cases. Feeling jealous does not always equate worrying about losing someone or not trusting them. End of jealousy lesson :))
More will become clear in the next two chapters, including how close Rebecca and Elliot did or did not get. It will fill in a few more blanks for Elliot, as well as for Olivia. Have you all noticed the chapters are getting a bit longer on average?

...

65. Trauma

"In 2005? Why did I ask for your help then?"

Elliot had sounded nothing but curious but Olivia couldn't help wondering what she'd missed. For how long had Elliot and Rebecca stayed in touch exactly after they'd worked with the woman on a few cases? Rebecca had lost her job at Bellevue during their last case because she'd obtained a patient's records illegally. The file ended up solving their case but cost her her job. Much to Olivia's surprise, Rebecca was called in one more time by Cragen, supposedly as an independent party to determine if they could remain partners. But how independent had she truly been? Had she and Elliot seen each other in the meantime? Or even after that evaluation?

"You were struggling with a lot of anger, brought to the surface by a case involving one of your old partners."

Rebecca's answer forced Olivia to focus on the conversation at hand. She remembered that case. Elliot had been out of control and had beaten his old partner to a pulp. Cragen had sent him on a mandatory vacation to cool off as a result. He'd gone to Rebecca to talk about that?

"Why was I so angry?" Elliot asked innocently, and Rebecca exchanged a glance with Olivia.

"How much of your past do you remember exactly?" she asked him.

Elliot sighed and looked up at the ceiling, as if trying to picture his life as he remembered it so far. The side of his head brushed Olivia's elbow and she had to suppress the urge to touch him.

Mine.

"I remember my partnership with Olivia. And my feelings for her and how I couldn't do anything about them because I was married."

His words made her heart soar once again and she knew she should let go of her possessiveness of him. It wasn't necessary because he wasn't going anywhere.

"I remember being married," Elliot continued, "but I barely remember my family. Same goes for our co-workers. Some things and people are familiar now, like Captain Cragen and Elizabeth, but a lot still isn't."

"Do you remember being separated from your wife?"

Olivia had to admit Rebecca was being very professional and was trying to help Elliot put more pieces of his life together. Elliot nodded slowly.

"I remember the change in dynamic between Liv and me. The separation is a side note to that, I guess."

Rebecca smiled and looked at Olivia. She could tell it was a genuine smile.

"And how does it make you feel that everything Elliot remembers is centered around you?" Rebecca asked her.

Olivia chuckled and looked at Elliot, who was now looking at her as well, his bright blue eyes sparkling and making her stomach flutter.

"Well, I'm actually glad that the accident had one positive effect, and that it brought us back together. Having Elliot remember only me is ... very special."

"Your bond was always incredibly strong. Nothing could come between you, except you yourselves."

It was a very accurate assessment of their complicated relationship and Olivia let the words sink in for a moment.

"Did I talk to you about that? About me and Liv?"

Elliot's innocence was so liberating. He honestly didn't know and apparently he could care less what Rebecca thought of him or his questions.

"We talked about Olivia later on, but that first time you dropped by, you were upset that you'd beaten someone up. You talked about how you'd lost your family because your wife couldn't deal with your anger anymore. You didn't really open up at first and then wanted to leave, until I asked you if you'd ever thought of eating your gun."

Olivia's eyes went wide with shock. Eating his gun? Had he been that far gone? He'd been closed off, but if he'd been suicidal, surely she would have noticed? Noticed something about him?

"Suicide's a sin," Elliot said.

"That's exactly what you said then," Rebecca said with a small smile.

"And what did I say? Was I thinking about ending it all?"

"You didn't really answer my question, but you did stay so I took that as a yes."

"El," Olivia said softly, placing her hand on his thigh.

His blue eyes connected with her browns again.

"I can imagine having a few desperate moments, Liv. Everything was going wrong."

"But you wouldn't have ..."

"No. No, Liv. I wouldn't have done it. I don't remember everything yet but you gotta believe that I would never do that to you or to my kids."

Elliot put his hand over hers on his thigh and Olivia swallowed hard. She hadn't known how desperate he'd truly been and somehow, she felt that she should have known.

"Why didn't you come to me?" she asked him softly, forgetting about Rebecca for the moment.

Elliot pulled his shoulders up and then dropped them again.

"We didn't talk, Liv. Not really. I guess I didn't want to burden you with my issues."

"And what issues would that be, Elliot?" Rebecca asked. "Do you remember what you were struggling with?"

Elliot looked at Rebecca for a few moments and then told her,

"It's why I asked you to come. You need to tell me, so I can remember."

Rebecca seemed hesitant and Olivia thought she knew why.

"Rebecca, he isn't repressing the memories," she told the psychiatrist. "He just doesn't remember. His amnesia was caused by blows to the head, not a psychological trauma. Please, just tell him what you talked about."

Rebecca looked from Olivia to Elliot and then back to Olivia. Then she nodded.

"You're right. It's a reflex for me to slip into counseling mode, I'm sorry."

She then went on to tell them what Elliot had told her about his father, and about how he had tried to teach Elliot how to be a man but never seemed pleased with what his son was doing at all. And how he had beaten Elliot to get his point across and had called him a failure time and time again. This trauma had probably resurfaced when he saw his old partner beat up his son but Elliot had still felt like a failure afterwards. Elliot leaned forward, his elbows on his knees while Rebecca spoke. He covered his face with his hands and tried to take deep breaths. Olivia knew that taking deep breaths was painful for him because of his broken ribs, and she put a hand on his back. He was trembling.

"My mother would never tell me about my father these past four years," he said, his voice trembling.

"She didn't want to hurt you," Olivia said, rubbing his back gently.

"You were so busy proving to everyone around you that you weren't weak and weren't a failure, that you forgot to enjoy your life and everything you'd accomplished," Rebecca summarized. "You were so busy taking care of everyone else, that you had nothing left for yourself."

Elliot rested his forehead in his hands and Olivia wondered if he was having another headache.

"And as a result, I ended up failing everyone, becoming the failure my dad said I was after all."

Olivia looked at Rebecca, who's eyes had widened a bit.

"You remember?" Rebecca asked.

"I remember feeling that," Elliot answered, and Olivia's heart broke a little for him.

"El, you weren't a failure. You never were!"

"I was," Elliot sighed, still resting his forehead in his hands. "I failed my wife and children. And you."

He turned his head and looked at Olivia, his eyes filled with sadness.

"No wonder you took off."

Olivia scooted closer to him and rested her forehead against his temple.

"That wasn't because I thought you were a failure. Believe it or not, but I've got a few childhood issues of my own."

Elliot chuckled and lifted his head to look at her.

"I remember you thought you shouldn't have been born. You were always trying to prove that you had some use after all. And you worried that you had bad blood."

"Did you worry you would eventually become your father?" Olivia asked him.

Elliot looked at Rebecca, as if asking her to answer the question for him.

"We had several sessions together, dealing with your father," Rebecca told them. "Elliot has never beaten any of his children and was determined not to become like him. But his failing marriage seemed to be hammering home what his father had told him all along, that he was a failure. This was why he kept trying to fix it, even when it had become un-fixable. I remember you telling me, Elliot, how it had moved you that your old partner apologized to his son. Your father never apologized to you. Still, you should know that you deserved an apology, and that your father was wrong. You are not a failure and you don't have to keep putting pressure on yourself to prove that."

"Is he still doing that?" Olivia asked Rebecca.

She knew Elliot's rage hadn't disappeared after 2005, nor had his drive to try and fix everything, including his marriage.

"These kinds of issues are carved so deeply into who we are, that there will always be remnants of it in our lives. They don't have to rule our lives anymore though. Knowing they are there and being able to talk about them, will go a long way in reducing their influence in your life."

...

Olivia got up to make them all a fresh cup of coffee, giving them time to let all the new information sink in. Elliot sat back and watched her. He was starting to remember the constant feeling of inadequacy that had apparently been ingrained in him by his father. The only times he didn't feel inadequate had been when he was talking to victims. He had a special rapport with children, who usually sensed that he could be trusted. Maybe it had been because he was just like them in the end. Hurt by adults who were taking out their own frustrations on the children. No wonder he'd stayed in the SVU for so long. He knew it had to be the same for Olivia, who was still fighting for justice for women like her mother and children like herself. Speaking up for others, the way someone should have spoken up for her. And for him. He admired Olivia for what she had made of her life, and despite how his career in law enforcement had ended, he should be proud of what he had done, too.

When Olivia sat back down next to him, he took her hand in his and held it between his hands. She looked at him surprised, and when she saw the look in his eyes, she smiled hesitantly.

"Liv, for two screwed-up kids like we are, I think we did pretty well. We haven't become our parents and we've made a real difference in the world. I'm proud of us."

Olivia bit her lip and he could tell she was moved by his words.

"Look how great we turned out," she said softly, and the words clicked with him.

It was like he needed to shuffle the slides around a bit of the slideshow his life was for him at the moment, consisting of all kinds of seemingly unrelated memories, but after a beat the right slide popped up. Olivia had met a man who had been molested as a child. He had been so afraid that he'd hurt his own son, that he had moved out and was supporting him financially without seeing him at all. He'd been worried about what might be inside him, just like Olivia had been worried for so long that she might have bad blood because her father had been a rapist. He'd said the exact same thing to Olivia then. Look how great you turned out.

They had both been raised by parents who were overwhelmed with what had happened to them. His father had been bitter about losing his job and his pension, and about having a wife with a mental illness. Olivia's mother had never gotten over her rape and had turned to the bottle. They had both been beaten regularly, their parents taking out their frustrations on them. And they both had decided to be different. To only do good and make sure other people would be better off than they had been themselves. They had succeeded for the most part. They both had quite a temper, because the frustration needed some kind of outlet, but he preferred a yelling match every once in a while to becoming physical and hurting her. He would never hurt her, or let anyone else hurt her. Which brought him back to his initial question, the one he wanted to ask Rebecca to answer for him. Had he been on his way to become a killer after all, because his love for Olivia was beginning to overwhelm him?

...

More soon, also on Rebecca and Elliot's rapport. Review?