66. Decision

"So, what else did you talk about during your sessions?" Olivia asked Rebecca. "And for how long did they go on after that Breslin case?"

The partners both looked at the psychiatrist, who suddenly seemed less at ease than before. She did answer the question though.

"We had about five or six sessions over the course of four weeks, dealing with Elliot's childhood, his parents, his marriage and his children. After that, he felt that he could handle things better and we ehm ... ended the treatment."

Olivia raised an eyebrow because of how Rebecca had said 'ended'.

"You ended the treatment. Is there a special ritual or something?"

"No," Rebecca said quickly. "We ehm ... we went out for drinks."

"Really?"

Olivia smirked and looked at Elliot.

"You took your shrink out for drinks."

"Apparently," Elliot said with a grin.

He winked at Olivia before looking at Rebecca again.

"Did we have fun?" he asked her innocently.

"Isn't that unethical?" Olivia asked almost at the same time.

Rebecca reached for her fresh coffee, put one sugar in it and started stirring the hot liquid nervously.

"Well, the sessions weren't really official. It was more like helping a friend out so it wasn't unethical," she argued.

"Maybe not officially, but still," Olivia said, wondering why Rebecca would even want to go out with someone who's brain she'd been picking for a few weeks, other than the most obvious reason.

"So, did we have fun?" Elliot asked again, putting on his most charming smile.

Rebecca couldn't suppress a small smile and Olivia knew she wasn't immune to Elliot's charm.

"Well, let me put it this way, Elliot," she then stated. "I really liked you and I enjoyed getting to know you. You're a very honest, decent man and those are hard to come by these days. But once we got to the bar and you had a few drinks in you, you just wouldn't stop talking about Olivia."

Olivia had to make an effort not to laugh out loud. Rebecca must have been so disappointed. By now, she was finally getting used to the idea that Elliot had loved her for a long time. This knowledge was finding a place in her heart, settling there like a calming, reassuring presence. All this time, her love for him had been answered by his love for her. They just hadn't heard each other. They did now, and knowing that Elliot had been out on a date with Rebecca, didn't change anything. Well, it amused her, because he'd been talking about her the whole time.

"What did I say about Olivia?" Elliot asked, reaching for Olivia's hand again and squeezing it gently.

"Well, I found it remarkable that you were struggling with losing your wife on the one hand, while expressing a very clear fondness of your partner. I could understand that it wasn't the right time in your life to act on those feelings, but I could see it happening one day. At the time, you were still trying to accept that ending your marriage didn't equate being a failure. Olivia was your friend and truly someone you could lean on. But it could create problems at work because you were too close as partners and friends."

"Cragen asked you to evaluate us a while later," Olivia stated.

"Yes."

"You asked us some pretty heavy questions."

"Yes."

"What kind of questions?" Elliot asked.

"Well, for one, she asked me if I had to choose between saving a member of the public or saving my partner, what would I do."

"I asked both of you that question," Rebecca added.

Elliot's face had gone serious.

"We had to make that choice once," he said quietly.

"More than once," Olivia added.

Rebecca just nodded. She knew. And she knew their answers.

"So why didn't Cragen split us up?" Olivia asked.

"Because I told him not to."

Rebecca looked both of them in the eye and then clarified,

"It was very clear to me that you two belonged together. While working together wasn't the healthiest thing to do, splitting you up would have been even more devastating."

Olivia looked down at her coffee, finally picking it up to take a sip. She knew how devastating it had been to go on without Elliot when he did leave. It had hurt so badly, physically even at times. But she'd managed to keep working and do her job. It had just cost her so much more without Elliot by her side. Usually, they hadn't really talked much after heavy cases, but it had helped just to be able to look at him and know they were feeling the same thing. Were suffering in the same way. Were going to keep fighting anyway.

It had taken her a long time to get used to Nick. She had come to appreciate him eventually and he had helped her open up to other people again who weren't Elliot. But Nick had left, just like Cragen and Munch. And each time someone left her, her heart closed a little bit further. It had been all but boarded up when Noah came into her life. He'd saved her and had helped her see that there was still unconditional love in the world. And now Elliot was back and had slipped back into her heart so easily, like he belonged there. And he did. He had always belonged there.

"And then in 2011, did I contact you again?" Elliot asked, and Olivia focused on the conversation at hand again.

"You did. You were basically at the end of your rope and still struggling with your marriage as well as your feelings for Olivia. After shooting a young girl, you just couldn't take it anymore."

"Did you tell him to quit?" Olivia asked her sharply, because this was the question they wanted to have answered today.

Rebecca was a little taken aback by Olivia's tone, and set her coffee down carefully before she spoke again.

"Elliot explained to me how he had gone back to his wife and why, and told me about the shooting at the station. He knew that the reason for shooting the girl had been partly selfish and not as justified as everyone said it had been."

Elliot nodded. He remembered that. He had fired for fear of losing Olivia.

"His love for you, Olivia, had been repressed for too long. To avoid any further damage, I did recommend that he leave the job."

"You need to quit now before you end up a murderer. It's the only solution," Elliot said slowly. "Were those your words?"

"It sounds like something I would have said, yes."

"So when you said splitting us up would have been devastating?" Olivia asked, trying not to sound like she was attacking Rebecca, but she was feeling some tension towards her now.

"To be honest, I had not expected Elliot to leave you as well," Rebecca said. "That was his own choice, which I've only just heard of from you now."

"I'm sorry Liv," Elliot whispered and when Olivia looked at him, she could see that his face had gone pale.

"El, what is it?" she asked him, immediately concerned. "Are you feeling sick?"

"No. Yes. I ... I think I'm remembering something."

...

His head was starting to throb and the feeling was becoming familiar. There was a memory resurfacing and it wasn't a good one. He could see himself sitting on a couch, holding his head in his hands, and he imitated the stance. He rocked back and forth and barely registered Olivia's hand rubbing his back soothingly. He heard the concern in her voice and in Rebecca's, but different voices were coming back to him. His own voice, mostly, and a few others.

"I can't do it anymore. I can't face them. I can't look at myself in the mirror. This isn't why I became a cop."

"You need to make a decision, Elliot."

Was that his Captain's voice?

"I tried to talk her down and she was going to put the gun down, but then this idiot started taunting her."

"Who?"

Who was questioning him?

"Skinner. Her mom's killer."

"Then what happened?"

"She was going to start firing again but the gun wasn't steady in her hand. She could have shot anyone at that point."

"What did you do?"

"I warned her again and when I had a clear shot, I fired."

"How many times?"

"Once."

"Did you shoot to kill?"

"Of course not. I just reacted."

"I should have just let her shoot the bastard."

He was back on the couch. With Rebecca?

"You couldn't risk it. She might have shot more bystanders."

"All I cared about was Olivia."

"Someone needed to stop her, Elliot."

"I didn't mean to kill her."

"Everyone knows that."

"Do they? What if this happens again? I'm afraid I'll freak out when she is in danger. I've become a danger to society. I can't carry a gun ever again."

"If that is truly how you feel, you need to quit now before you end up a murderer. It's the only solution. And get help. It doesn't have to be forever."

He nodded fervently, wincing when he felt a sting of pain in his head as well as his chest. He could feel Olivia's warm breath on his cheek as she tried to calm him down, but he was still trapped in the memory.

"Yes it does. It does have to be forever. I'm putting in my papers."

He scrubbed his hands down his face and noticed there were tears on his cheeks. He looked around and found himself back in Olivia's apartment, Olivia sitting close to him and Rebecca looking very concerned.

"What did you just remember?" Olivia asked him softly.

"My decision," he said, his voice shaking. "My decision to never be a cop again."

...

More soon. Yes, Rebecca will leave eventually and Liv & El will have some time together. Please be patient :)