Sorry to leave everyone hanging. It was a busy day and I think I wrote about three different versions of this. I'm not quite as in touch with this Edward as I am with Bella. :)
Happy Reading!
Complicated…
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To: Isabella Swan [i9swan13(at) yahoo(dot)com]
From: EA Cullen [EAnonymousC(at) gmail(dot)com]
Subject: Q&A
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Wow, Bella.
Way to give a guy a load to think about right in the middle of Sports Center! Does holiday baking always lead to this sort of thing with you? Should I be worried when you start in on the Christmas cookies?
Not that I should probably be joking about this. I'm sorry. Things are obviously on your mind and I'm being insensitive. That said, I'm not really sure what you're asking right now.
Do you want to know if I want to be more than friends? Or are you asking me if I'll be hurt or otherwise injured if that's all we ever are to each other? Or maybe you want the answer to both? I'll be happy to answer anything you ask, you know that; but you have to promise me something in return.
You have to promise to answer those same questions for yourself. You promise? Okay. :)
So… As far as I'm concerned, this thing between us has always been about what you wanted and needed, Bella. I got what I wanted when you forgave me. End of story. The fact that you're even willing to think about being a fixture in my life in any way, even as "just friends", is more than I ever expected. So, would I be okay if that's all we ever were? Yes, I would be more than okay with that.
As for the other question, that's… complicated.
The truth is, I've never been interested in romantic relationships that weren't going anywhere. But since I've been clean, I've also never been able to get past the idea that entering into a romantic relationship with someone means exposing them to all my shit and burdening them with my addiction. If I ever met someone I cared for in that way, I feel like I'd be doing them an injustice to pursue them. If I really, truly loved them, I'd want better for them than being with someone like myself.
But then, we're not talking in hypotheticals, are we? We're talking about you. You, Isabella.
You, who already knows the worst of the worst. You, who's already seen me at my lowest. You, who knows just how far I'm capable of falling and what's at risk if I slip up someday. Just being you, just knowing me the way you do and having witnessed my past first hand; you take away so many of my objections to having that kind of relationship.
But there's the flip side of that coin to consider.
I love you. I do, and I love you enough not to want to take the chance that I might hurt you again. I love you enough to wish a better life for you than the one I can give you.
So, do I want more than to be "just friends"?
I honestly don't know.
I'm scared as all hell to think about you, or want you that way. I'm scared to mess this up and lose what we have now. But, if I was ever going to take that step with someone—with anyone at all—it would be with you.
Today, tomorrow, ten years from now… it would still be you, Bella.
Your turn,
Edward
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;-)